Its still very early since my Dday a month ago but it already feels like it was ages ago. Ive had some really tough days (see my first post on these forums) but they are starting to become manageable and I wanted to get out the details and seek advice. There is no way to keep this short so I apologize in advance.
Background: Im 44 and W is 38. We have been together 19 years (we actually met 19 years ago today…) married for 12 and have a 10yr old daughter. We just moved to a new state in Oct and signed the papers to build our dream home on Feb 1st. My wife started the EA 2 weeks before we signed the papers and the PA 4 weeks after we signed. The home will be finished around the end of August.
Pre-Dday: I work a high stress job that requires a lot of travel (200+ days a year) and about a month ago I returned home from a 3 week trip to Germany only to have my wife tell me she wanted to separate because she was unhappy in our marriage, needed time to prove to herself she could make it without depending on someone and just felt like she was just never happy when I was home.
Ive never felt that we were unhappily married but I also never felt we were happily married either. Meaning, I just felt like this is what marriage is supposed to be and we love each other, so that’s enough. It doesn’t matter that we aren’t infatuated with each other like new lovers are because that never lasts. So, yeah, her request to separate took me by surprise and my immediate reaction was that it was all my fault, I somehow fucked my marriage up and I needed to figure it out fast!
Dday: That night I started trying to figure out where things went wrong and I recalled that I had received an anonymous message 2 weeks prior on LinkedIn to the tune of “Keep an eye on your wife, she is messing with a married man”. I remember when I got the message, I was thinking someone just prank messaged me or messaged the wrong person. I didn’t even respond and forgot all about it. Now I was thinking what if that wasn’t an accident? Sure enough, the next morning while my wife was in the shower I grabbed her phone and started snooping. Everything looked fine until I opened her work communication app (Slack) and found messages between her and a co-worker that started a week after she started this new job back in Jan. The guy is married and has 4 kids, 3 of which are under the age of 6 and they had started an emotional affair almost immediately. The more I read the worse it got… while I was traveling, they had been going on dates, had created code words for “I love you” and safe words in case someone was around. They had a work trip coming up at the end of Feb and they had been planning on sleeping together when they got to the conference and they followed through with that plan.
She tried to take the phone from me but I left the house and hopped in my car and just drove. I started taking screenshots of everything and saving them to multiple locations, I started really scanning web history, etc etc. When I was done, I sent a message over Slack to their immediate supervisor and told him of the affair. I then came home and confronted my W and she admitted to everything. I made sure to record the entire confession and started documenting everything. I messaged the OG and told him that I knew what happened and he had 2 weeks to leave the company or I go to his wife, to which he replied “As soon as I find another job I will leave, trust me” and I replied that he must be confused and thought what I said was a negotiation and that I didn’t give a shit if he found another job.
At this point my wife says she is sorry, this isn’t like her, she hates that it happened, it was my fault for putting my work and hobbies before her, etc etc. She said that she immediately regretted it and that they both realized it had gone too far and things had been starting to fizzle out already (although messages showed after the conference they still continued to chat and flirt but it did appear as if they were talking and meeting less). Total time of the affair according to her was 2 months and that she did it because he made her feel pretty, appreciated, funny etc etc, all the things she said I was no longer making her feel. When I asked why she never approached me to tell me she was unhappy or that our marriage was in jeopardy, she replied “I didn’t want to add even more stress on you because you were already stressed enough with work and trying to build the house”.
A few hours later her supervisor messages me that he received my message and had no clue that the affair was going on and would be talking to both of them and that he was approving a laptop for my wife to work from home because he felt family should come first. My wife went to work and met with her supervisor and picked up the laptop but I believe she also met the OG to get their stories straight or figure out wtf they were going to do.
Post Dday week 1: Despite being allowed to work from home, my wife returned to work 2 days later citing that she had meetings to attend and couldn’t get done what she needed to get done from home and surprisingly admitted that she needed to see this guy to get some closure (probably the real reason). I told her that if she wanted any shot at R my only unbendable stipulation was that she needed to have zero contact with this guy (who happens to sit in the desk right next to her) and either she or he needed to leave the company. She told me that he had told her he was putting his notice in on Friday and that if I was planning to divorce her, she would need this job to support herself and it would cost me more in child support if she was unemployed. She said the OG would be gone in 2 weeks and it wouldn’t be an issue.
I scheduled us a marriage counseling appt for that evening, which she seemed reluctant to go to and during the counseling she dropped another bomb. She said that she didn’t have any plans for R, that she could no longer look me in the eyes, she didn’t think I would ever be able to trust her again, I would always hold this over her head and throw it in her face and that she couldn’t live that way. She felt that D was the easiest answer for everyone. She stated that she didn’t have a plan for me wanting to R because she was convinced I would drop her like a hot potato once I found out. She said the reason she had asked for separation before I found out was because she felt guilty and didn’t want to have to face me or deal with this. I asked her if she was remorseful for what she had done or just upset that I found out. She replied that she was sorry that she had hurt me but just needed time to process what had happened and was still seeking separation but honestly felt like there was no hope for our marriage.
The next day I spoke to an attorney to understand my rights and to advise me on what I needed to be sure I should and shouldn’t do.
Post Dday week 2: Spring break week and I had planned a vacation with my daughter to the mountains to do some skiing. I kept those plans and spent the week trying to focus on her but inevitably kept thinking about my wife. It was a very tough long week. My mind raced daily about what she was doing, was she still seeing this guy, was the affair still ongoing, etc.
Post Dday week 3: I attended my first IC and also discovered this forum. I started journaling, reading, working on myself and waiting until Friday to hear that the OG had left the company and maybe I could still save my marriage. Then the news came in that the OG was still at the company and apparently hadn’t even put in his notice. So, true to my word, I told his wife what happened. Well I tried to tell his wife but he had deleted her Facebook page and she didn’t respond to my texts but I was able to track down the OG’s mother-in-law and get the information to her. The father-in-law then called me and asked that I not tell his daughter what happened as he would make sure she knew everything and it would be better to hear it from her husband or him than from me. He told me later that evening that the OG came clean but that he claims he didn’t have an affair, he had just “crossed the line”. So Im quite sure he lied to his wife and I plan to follow back up and email her all the proof that I have along with sending the information to the OG's family as well. Im pretty sure having sex with another woman qualifies as an affair no matter where you come from.
Also, because this guy was still at the company, I told my wife that I had to stick to my guns about the stipulation of her working with this guy and that I was going to go ahead and file for divorce. She said that if I agreed not do this through an attorney and wouldn’t smear her name through the mud, she would sign an uncontested divorce agreement giving me whatever I wanted as long as it didn’t affect our daughter. Being the primary bread winner, I wasn’t thrilled with the possibility of alimony even though in our state infidelity can be used as a reason to reduce or suspend alimony and I figured that if I can avoid dealing with attorneys and we could agree to everything on our own, why not? So, I drew up the papers, basically dividing up everything as I saw fit and then asked her to sign them. We both knew that filing the papers was only the first step and we are required to wait 30 days (but no longer than 120 days) before submitting a second set of papers to finalize the divorce. So, she signed them and I filed them with the court the next day and then served her a copy of the papers.
As the reality of D started to set in I was sick to my stomach, I could barely eat or sleep and I started wavering on my stipulation of her continuing to work with the OG (see my first post ever on here). It was painful and when I asked my wife why she seemed so OK with my filing for D she responded “Well its not like we are actually getting divorced; we can still change our minds at anytime right?”. Its like she refused to believe that divorce was impending and all of a sudden seemed to think that we might not get divorced (after 3 weeks of being convinced divorce was inevtible). To top it off she even asked me if I could make her an IC appointment with my therapist (after 3 weeks of telling me she didn’t want to talk to a therapist or at least not anytime soon). This isnt to say all was looking up, she still was still looking for a place to move to as I made it clear I wasn’t leaving where we are now until the new home was built and that if she still needed space, she had to be the one to find it.
Post dday week 4: So, this brings us to the current week. Ive been working hard on continuing to plan for life after 18 years of commitment. Ive started working out, eating better, working through financial issues and have my next IC appt later this week. I still have rough days (and especially nights) but they are getting easier with some days worse than others. I still have some “revenge” things I consider doing from time to time (such as sending an inquiry to my wifes HR dept asking why my reports of sexual misconduct/harassment weren’t reported by my wifes boss and asking for an official investigation, or filing an alienation of affection lawsuit against the OG) but I know that doing those things would likely make the D with my wife become hostile (especially because she said if they started an official investigation it would ruin her and she would be known as “that chic” in the office) and while I made it clear that I no longer gave a shit about her reputation, I also don’t want to ruin a chance at a quick and easy divorce just to get some petty revenge.
Before I conclude this, I think I should mention that Ive already made the decision to forgive my wife. I don’t trust her, I cant forget what happened, but I understand and accept what she did and can forgive her. I believe that prior to this she was loyal and honest for the last 18 years and this isn’t a pattern of behavior with her. I think she is going through a mid-life crisis based on statements she has made over the last 2 weeks about wondering what her life would have been like if she had only done X or Y, and that she wished she had continued school, and that she regretted her career field choice and would never be the success she had imagined being. If we do work this out (or if we don’t) Id like to believe that she wouldn’t cheat again.
So here is where we are today and where I am now once again asking for advice. This morning started out just like every other morning and I messaged my wife shortly after she left letting her know that I had a good time this weekend (we went and tried axe throwing on Sat and had a blast) and that no matter what happens with our marriage, in the end, I forgave her. She responded with “Thank you and maybe things are already starting to work themselves out, I think. I really do appreciate your forgiveness and the extra things you have been doing really speaks volume. I love you!”
Just when I think Ive begun accepting the possibility of life without her, she pulls me back in. Yes we are only a month out and yes part of me immediately goes to the dark place of thinking “starting to work themselves out” really means “The OG might have started to distance himself when his wife found out about the affair and he was faced with the reality of paying child support for 4 kids and alimony because she doesn’t work” but the hopeful side of me thinks maybe the first few weeks were just a lot of emotions from both sides and maybe there is some hope. To be clear, Im not stopping the divorce process and I leave again for work in 2 weeks and when I return, we will be beyond the 30-day waiting period and I can file to make the D official without even needing her signature.
Now Im sitting here trying to figure out what I should do. My current plan is to stay the course, keep working on me and wait to see how she does in IC and if she really starts to show signs of remorse, becomes willing to discuss affair questions openly and most importantly, leaves her job (if he hasn’t left). When I get back from travel in mid-May, if those 3 things haven’t happened or if she has finally moved out of the house, I will make the D final.
Edit for clarifications: Divorce papers have already been filed, I am in the 30 day waiting period now. Once the 30 day mark is past I just have to submit the request to finalize it. She will have 7 days to contest it but after that the marriage is done. I see a few people telling me Im being weak but FFS I actually filed for divorce 3 weeks after Dday, Id like to think thats pretty damn determined. Yeah sure I have my doubts and Im smoking some hopium, but who wouldnt?
I cant do NC because we live together in a small 1 bedroom rental while we wait on the house to be built (previous home sold in 2 weeks and that was unexpected). I dont want this to impact my daughter more than it already has so Im doing what I do best which is playing the protector. I wont have to sell the new house or split anything. There is no equity in the house currently as its still being constructed and I make enough money to pay for it on my salary alone.
Update: Yesterday I read a lot of seemingly harsh advice from you guys and I took it as an attack. I didnt consider that your stories are personal experiences and while that may rosey up the glasses a bit, its advice aimed at not repeating the same mistakes and not an attempt to belittle (in most cases).
I'll add this to the update but last night I caught my wife and the OG sending messages on a secret phone, using a secret email at around midnight.
Things got heated, the wife attacked me, I defended myself and in the end I tossed her out on the curb.
This morning I sent all the proof to the OG's wife, to his wifes mother and father and to the OG's father.
My wife said it was "closure" but I read the messages and it was a lot more than that.
Worst part, my 10yo daughter had to see the whole thing and is very aware that our problems are because of "Mommy cheating". I reached out to her teacher to let them know and to keep an eye on her and get her into the guidance counselor, but they called me back and said both parents have to sign a form in order for the school counselor to talk to her in situations such as these...
Update 2: So quick update, just got a call from the OG's wife. She definitely knows now!
She confirmed that he has not told her the truth, denied sleeping with my wife, denied there was an emotional affair.
What really got her fires up though was when I told her that he had taken her kids and met my wife at the pool with my kid. That didn't go over real well.
And no, getting her fired isn't in my best interest. There is no judge deciding our case, it's already done. Losing her job now means a harder time for my daughter.
[This message edited by savingmyfamily at 4:04 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]
