SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those of you who have done it. How has it gone?

I mean emotionally as well as mentally.

After a discussion yesterday we both agreed if there was no children we would part ways.

He desperately wants to R and has shown both positive and negative actions for reconciliation. I’m still on the fence dealing with more then infidelity for years.

So here’s what I have been thinking how is one supposed to come home everyday to someone who when I look or speak to him I instantly become angry.

How does one be intimate with someone you don’t want to be intimate with (I’m also toying with the other end being intimate with someone other then your spouse and then coming back ‘home’ not in a cheating way more like we live under the same roof but both parties want some needs met)

To this he says we loved each other once lets start fresh and do it again (my response usually is something like sorry buddy it’s been tainted) I’ve reading here people doing this I’ve tried to forgive and look past it I just can’t.

Is it worth the next 12+ years to live like this to keep the family together? WS says yes bc I don’t know what it is like to be from a broken family. I say the kids would rather have 2 happy parents under separate roofs.

I know I’ll never trust, love the way I did, or be ‘me’ again if I stay. I really want to put myself first for once, I mean we only get one life to live and I’m tired of being unhappy but I also don’t want my kids to have problems and go back and forth as to if it’s worth it to stay for the kids?

I know answeres will be skewed I just want to know the good, bad, ugly as I don’t have anyone to ask.

I'm a teacher and I've seen what divorce does to kids. Even good ones. It's just as traumatic as it is for the married couple, if not more because they definitely don't process it the same. That was a big deciding factor in my decision to R.

Having grown up in a home with two extremely miserable adults who fought all the time, it is my opinion that staying together for the children is a really bad plan.

My mom stayed with her husband because she didn't want another divorce and because of financial security. But the constant fighting and yelling was just awful.

Not only that, but the model it set for me took years of therapy to overcome. I can say with great confidence that my own children have a much better foundation for what a healthier relationship looks like because I didn't settle for 'less than.'

Not that my marriage is perfect, but my husband and I are a good team. We communicate and work together. We don't yell or call each other names. We work through whatever needs worked through in a respectful manner. Though I will admit to the occasional name calling in my head lol!

Even my oldest, who is not his, feels that we set a good example for her. Her biological father was absent, but she spent a lot of time with my mom and her husband, so she does have a basis for comparison. Some guy tried to pick her up on some dating app and she reviewed his social media, discovered that he had a girlfriend, and not only did she tell him off, she reached out to his now ex- girlfriend to let her know about his shenanigans.

The reason I left my cheating ex was because I didn't want my oldest growing up and thinking that was acceptable behavior from a partner. I'd seriously freak if anyone treated my kid the way I was treated, so I felt I needed to to get out so I could be a better role model for her.

If it's a deal breaker, that's ok. Staying in a relationship when you're really unhappy is, to me, setting kids up to repeat our mistakes.

If you can work through it and come out the other side in a more healthy and happy relationship with your husband, I do feel that is a good thing and sets a great example. But settling? Not so much.

Just my two cents worth.

I’ve worked with children my entire adult life and have a number of friends working in child psychology. There is no doubt that for children a complete family leads to best possible outcomes IF (and this is a BIG IF) there is no dysfunction in the marriage, emotional, physical, mental abuse. Dysfunctional marriages come below divorced parents for outcomes for children long term.

In my personal situation (currently seperated and coparenting) my preferred outcome has always been to unite my family but I will not do that, if what is being presented to our children is in anyway unhealthy for them. They come first. They are my priority. I would rather be divorced and coparent alongside my WH.

I think we all have a responsibility to children to think carefully about the marriage and behaviours that we are modelling for them. We’re all very aware of the FOO issues that may have led to our CS infidelity and we don’t want to pass that on down the line.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:29 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Thank you for your views on this it’s really appreciated.

When we do have heated discussions we do separate ourselves from our kids. That is a must. If we are only in it for the kids sake i don’t want them to hear it or be around it.

I just don’t want my decision to wreck havoc on their life.

Country girl, it’s not you who wreaked havoc or will wreak havoc on their lives it was him. You’re now trying your best to navigate your way through. If I remember rightly you are reasonably new to all this. Dday was fairly recent? You’re still in shock. You’re still trying to process this level of betrayal. I’m a year and a bit out and still processing just what’s happened. General wisdom is to not make any life changing decisions until the initial shock has started to abate.

I've always wondered why staying together for the kids and then divorcing when they are older is any less devastating for them. Yes, they are adults - and may be able to process it better - but then they have to come to terms with the fact that their parents marriage was a lie for years.

I did not come from a broken home - but my first husband did. He is the youngest and his parents divorced when he graduated high school. He said he knew from a young age that his parents were miserable - he wished they had just gone ahead and divorced when he was a child.

Unless you are one hell of an actress - kids pick up on tension in the home - they are very good at seeing the cracks in the marriage. Unfortunately, they may not understand the dynamics and this can be very confusing to them.

Yes, divorce is hard on kids - but so is growing up with two miserable parents in a dysfunctional marriage. We need to show our kids what a healthy adult looks like - and that is one that sets boundaries - demands respect from others and doesn't settle.

I remember when I was 13 and my parents finally announced their impending divorce, my siblings and I were overjoyed. Seriously. Other kids would've freaked out and been distraught, but the bickering and the hatefulness had come to the point where we were just sick of it.

I think there have been a few cases here at SI where the WS was so outlandishly disordered that the BS "stayed for the kids". These are people who just really couldn't trust their WS to have partial custody or visitation without supervision. And with courts very rarely assigning full custody these days, they just felt like they couldn't leave their kids even on a part-time basis. They're making a sacrifice, and their life satisfaction comes from making an investment in their kids. They're not typically content or happy in their marriages though.

It really looks like the driving force for your WH has been sex, and not just sex with you, but with as many as will have him. From what you describe, he's manipulated you into accommodating him on that for years. I expect it feels rather like being married to a overly large, walking penis rather an emotionally whole and mature man. The guy doesn't appear to have shown you anything much in the way of impetus on any other subject. It's a hard sell for you to regain any respect for that.

And really, that's what it comes down to in so many cases. The WS loses our respect, and there's just not enough there there for him to get it back.

You're still early days on uncovering the extent of the deceit. So, I think it's okay for you to take your time making a decision. You're not wrong though if you don't want R. No cheater is owed a second chance.

I wouldn’t stay in a marriage only for my children. I wouldn’t have stayed if it weren’t for my children either. To me they were a huge incentive to give it a shot and do my best to get past it. I felt it I owed it to them to try if my WH were remorseful.

I don’t know your story, when your dday was or anything about you and your WS. I will say that reconciliation is super hard and if I didn’t feel as though our marriage had a strong foundation, I probably would’ve walked.

I initially stayed for the kids. I made a plan of what I would do for myself so I'd be able to support myself once they were older and I left.

We are now in the 5th year of R. Things are good. We are happy together. Our children have seen us go through a struggle and come out the other side in tact. There were some very rocky years. They don't know the full extent of the teouble.

There's no guarantee that will happen for you if you stay. It may be a dealbreaker for you. That's ok. The good thing is you have time. You don't need to decide anything right now. If you're going to stay for now, sit back and watch what your CH does. You may find yourself feeling differently after the rawness has past.

My parents had a horrible marriage. I believed they stayed for the kids for years. I had guilt for being the reason my mom stayed with an asshole. Here is the kicker, I am 48. My youngest sibling is 45. They are still married. Had they divorced our financial situation would have been dreadful. My mom would not have been around much as she would’ve had to work more. Would that have been better? Who knows. I suspect it would have been better for Me and worse for my brothers. Bottom line is your kids will grow up with some dysfunction no matter what we do as parents. We can only do our best. I am at my best when they are safe, secure, and stable. Therefore, for me staying in an imperfect marriage is best for me and mine. I believe it also shows the seriousness and commitment to marriage that I want my children to consider before they marry. Only you know you and your kids and What is best for you and them. No two cases are alike.

There is something so drastically wrong with your husband. Put aside the marriage for a minute and just take a good hard look at him. He needs intense therapy. Several posters have talked about this need their husbands have for sex all the time so they’re constantly grabbing at their wives, at other women they are so needy that they cannot stop. He needs a psychiatric and psychological evaluation to find out what is the matter because something is seriously the matter. I have no suggestions about marriage or reconciliation. Right now the focus should be on him and how the world you’re going to manage a life with someone that is that out of control.

You don’t want to harm your children.

But stay in a marriage being unloved and unhappy - that will eventually affect your children. No matter how hard you try to “get along” resentment will set in.

You need a good parenting plan. You can be a good single mom and he can be a good single dad.

It does not have to be acrimonious just b/c you Divorce.

And one day your children will grow up and leave. And then you are looking at living with a guy you don’t love or even like? Seriously life is too short.

You deserve happiness. Just not a good idea to sacrifice like that by staying M for the kids.

If you decide to D, have a plan. Be prepared. Say over the next 12-13 months you are going to prepare for the D. Find a new home if necessary. Get a plan together. Financial issues dealt with. Work on a visitation schedule.

Plan to do it when the kids may not be in school to give them time to adjust. Be smart about the process. It will work out.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:04 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Do you trust your H as a father? Will he respect them when you are not around? Does he care for them, will he protect them from bad influences when they are with him but not with you?

If yes - D may be the better option.

FWIW - In my case (forty years ago) my XW was severely mentally maladjusted. I stayed - on my own terms - and had a caring relationship with a woman who was similarly trapped with family commitments which kept me sane (in so much as I am sane!). The marriage ended when the kids were 3 and 5 - I dumped her when they were 16 and 17 - it was always going to happen and I did what I'd promised myself I would do.

Since we separated I've had twenty plus good years with a woman I don't deserve; I'm content, I've a clear conscience and I enjoy every day of my life.

Kids not only pick up on the tension, they overhear a whole lot more than we realize. I've experienced that for myself.

I remember when I was about 8 years old and my parents were fighting and my stepdad threatened to hit my mother.

They didn't know I could hear them until later on when I told my mother's husband that if he ever hit my mother, I would slit his throat while he was sleeping.

I don't think he ever told her about that but he also never threatened her again.

I would not stay in a broken M for the kids. My mother did and it resulted in growing up in a dysfunctional home and when she was unhappy she was abusive and OCD to the kids. My dad drank waaaaay too much. He was an intermittent drinker who was an ass when he was drinking and kind when he wasn't.

The drinking stemmed from guilt and being an alcoholic.

My mom made sure that we could support ourselves and "never depend on a man for anything ". Which is a good thing overall.

Cheating was a dealbreaker for me always. However when I finally had proof my H was cheating he was out of work and it was during the crash. If I Dd at that point I would have been paying CS and Spousal support. I wasn't willing to do that without trying plus I was about as CoD as they come at that point.

But you know what someone here was willing to point out that I was being a doormat when I was moaning about broken NC for the 3rd time.

That I was showing my kids what an M is and what is acceptable and what isnt in an M. And while I was trying to keep my kids free of the drama they knew something was up. That gave me the motivation to get my shit together and start demanding what I deserved.

I had seen the attorney. I put a plan in place and was ready to file.

Dont accept staying for the kids. It's an excuse that ends up in staying in a broken relationship and destroying your self worth.

At least if you walk away your kids will have one healthy parent that demands the respect and love they deserve.

I was a child where one parent stayed after infidelity "for the kids" and it was the worst thing they could have possibly done to me. They modeled a horrible, dysfunctional relationship. I internalized that men should bend over backwards to appease women who treat them like shit and cheat on them. I did not learn healthy boundaries or self respect.

Whenever anyone tells me they are "staying together for the kids", I cringe. My parents did and by doing so, they damaged me terribly.

[This message edited by h0peless at 9:14 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

I think that you have to realize that no matter what choice you make, the children are going to be damaged, period. Unless everything is magically great and you can have a good, loving relationship to model, there's going to be damage.

It's been four and a half years since my ex walked out and our son is still in therapy dealing with anger, hurt, and abandonment issues. The divorce triggered some latent mental health problems as well and he's on medication for them at 9. It's a horrible feeling.

But even had I had the choice, staying with my ex likely would not have been better. Kids can sense when you're unhappy even if you keep the fighting under wraps.

So what will hurt you less? You didn't cause the problem, but no one is getting out unscathed.

If I didn’t have my 3 children I would have walked away. Immediately. Without a doubt. Wouldn’t even consider R for a second. She would have been out on her ass immediately. She’s doing all the hard work for R but there are times where I just think I don’t know if we will make it. D or R is not that simple. I’ve seen good and bad for each scenario when it comes down to the welfare of the children involved.

And D and moving on to the next relationship doesn’t ensure you will not be a victim of infidelity again. There are no guarantees in life except we will all die one day.

As a parent you have a responsibility to ensure your children are safe, emotionally supported and have opportunities to do the best they can. You have to ensure you give your all. You weigh up R and D and make that decision. Some stay miserable until their children are adults. Others have a civil relationship with their WS and live their separate lives until the children our out of the home then D. Everyone’s situation is different and of course there is no one size fits all.

Good luck with the choice you make. It’s an uphill battle either way.

[This message edited by Mene at 10:24 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

The purpose of staying in the marriage is to give peace to the children. It’s also to model better.

Can you and your spouse do this after infidelity?

It takes so much to do so. I initially stayed for the children. They became hyper aware of any change of tone in the voice. They were triggered very easily. Because I was triggered easily.

I implore you to seek intense therapy for yourself if this is the route you decide. I wish i would have realized it sooner.

My intention was to have a causal business relationship with mu spouse after DD. He has surprised me with many changes. I have strong feelings for him again sometimes love.

However, all of his crap stopped. I didn’t need to continue with DDs or other crap from him.