SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone able to pull off a friendly divorce post affair? Had a WW, with a lot of messy detail. But have young kids and no reason to hold hate.

Thinking through having kids stay in house and we rotate? Anyone experience this successfully?

Set expectation of spending holidays together with kids etc.?

WW and I are on civil terms. She genuinely remorseful but betrayal probably too much to repair. I can separate...

Thoughts welcome....

We are doing the same thing. It's called nesting, having the kids stay st home sndcwe cycle on week on week off. It's pretty stressful coming back for me as I am still trying to get the house ready for sale. I eont call it home anymore as I am.basically homeless for two weeks a month. I sleep at my sisters in another town, my car, or a friends if I can. My advice. Move on as fast as you can.

I remember asking these questions. Things soured for me. To this day I'm uncertain if this was because I had not yet processed the pain, or if it was because of some of STBXWW's very hurtful actions following separation. All I can say is that everything appeared cast in a different light after separation - a much less rosy one.

I certainly wouldn't describe it as friendly, but Xhole and I had a civil D. Primarily because I mentally taped duct tape on my mouth so I wouldn't say anything inflammatory.

I made the conscious choice to be civil in order to accomplish two things. First, to expedite the process. A civil process was a faster process (versus a full blown contested D). Second, to get the settlement I wanted. By playing "nice," Xhole was more agreeable. Plus, I let him think he was getting a better settlement than he was (his fault, devil's in the details and he didn't look close enough).

My youngest was 16 which meant I didn't really have to deal with kid issues.

So yes, it can certainly be done. We absolutely are not friends though. Complete NC now that kids are adults.

I think that is really great that you want to be as amicable as possible for the sake of your kids despite the affair.

That’s not easy to do after being betrayed.

I know a few people that tried nesting but it only worked for a few months at best.

I don’t do holidays with my STBXWH because I just can’t fake it. He has his time / I have mine.

I am divorcing him because I want him in my life as little as possible. He is not my friend.

Everyone’s situation is different so maybe you can make it work. I think you should however proceed with caution. Many people start with the intention of it being all warm and fuzzy, but it quickly accelerated into an inferno.

I am currently separated from my WH that had a 3 year affair. We tried reconciling but he just doesn't love me and I could feel it so I asked him to leave. He moved 40 minutes away from us to be closer to work. Our kids are teens (14 and 16). Their father comes to see them at my house most weekends. He and I are on friendly terms because we've been best friends since the 1st grade. Yes, I'm still heartbroken over the betrayal but I want him to have a good relationship with his kids. The problem is that my kids don't want to see him as much as he would like. The 14 year old son will come downstairs to say hello and them sneak back upstairs as quick as possible. My 16 year old will stay downstairs with us but the don't really talk much. In fact she goes out of her way to sit in my lap and hug me just to show him how great we are doing, I guess.

I truly don't know how to make things work better. We all went to dinner together for Easter and I was being silly and trying to entertain the kids and get Dad involved but he hardly looked away from the TV's on in the restaurant. It was so freaking annoying. My daughter had to tap his hand to get his attention a few times. I don't understand how someone that used to be the best dad (except for the whole cheating thing) can be away from his kids all week long and then show them very little attention when he does come to visit. I have suggested many times that he take the kids away from he house but my son almost refuses to go unless I go as well. The problem is that it's still hard for me to be around my husband. It hurts to be reminded every weekend that he doesn't' love me. But I am still being put in this position of buffer between him and the kids.

I know if I stop letting him come to my house and take his catnaps on the couch- and call that "time with the kids". Things could start to get ugly and I don't want that. I feel trapped. Any advice from anyone?

We had a surprisingly civil divorce - mostly because I wanted to make things as painless as possible for my kids and to move the process along swiftly. In the early days of discussing life and arrangements post-divorce, there was much talk of shared holidays and birthday dinners out with the kids, being “friends”, etc.

None of that materialized. “Well what changed?” you might ask. Nothing. And that’s the problem. Lol. I divorced a selfish liar and now I attempt to coparent with a selfish liar.

Although to be quite honest, I’m very glad I don’t have to eat a shit sandwich every month trying to do some joint dinner where we play happily family.

I'm in the middle of a rather contentious divorce so I'm not commenting as far as success with having a friendly divorce. I will say I started off with the belief it could be a friendly, agreeable divorce. It has not gone that way for me and for many here. It can only be friendly if both parties are being realistic about expectations. Not saying you can't be nice and play your WW against herself. Just don't think if things go south that it's because you were not nice enough. It's an easy trap to fall into for us BS.

Thinking through having kids stay in house and we rotate? Anyone experience this successfully?

My ex proposed this to me once, and I've heard other WS propose this. It's classic cake-eating behavior. Nothing in her life really changes.

It's a horrible idea, IMO.

You are staying tied to the ex by moving in/out. You are unable to truly build your own life on your own and with your kids. And now you are supposed to maintain TWO residences? You can afford that?

If she's being amicable, sell the house, split the proceeds and move on - separately.

But, my guess is that she is being so "amicable" because nothing in her life is really being disrupted.

Tell her no deal on rotating and that you will have to sell the house, move out separately and live independently - see what happens. I can just about guarantee that she will suddenly become less amicable.

I am smoking the same hopium pipe. We are in house separated now, and her idea is to live like this for another 3 years while kids finish school.

Everyone is saying sell the house and get out, but I think we are different. Thats exactly what I though 8 years ago when I decided to R. 8 years later I have not learned anything ...

I am slowly pushing myself to see real reason behind WW being "amicable". Like others said, its cake eating - nothing changes for her, since she gets to live in same house, see the kids everyday and have A on the side. If we D, I will have to pay her for many years, she knows it, so using it as a leverage against me.

Just today, she told me I can bring over my family that is visiting from out of town. At first I was "she is being nice". But then I slowly start understanding that its her precious public image she wants to preserve, not concern about me or my family.

I am a smart guy, but she is manipulating me with ease - it will continue if I decide to nest or do in house separation. I understand it, but so hard to let this go.

I think this is basing your future on your present.

Your kids are at a certain age now and need certain things. A year from now they are a year older and need other things. A year later they are older and have other requirements… Yet you are basing your future on their present environment and needs…

At what age do you and their mom think it will be appropriate to move them out of the family home?

During that period do you two intend to finance 3 homes between the two of you? One where you live on your off-week, one where she lives and then the family home?

What about your needs? What if you meet another woman? Expect her to be OK with you leaving every other week? Could she move to the family home with you? What if she had kids?

What about your wife? You OK with her new husband spending the week at the family home?

I don’t think this is practical, realistic or even good for the kids. Kids adapt. Give them a caring, loving environment. Make certain they know mom and dad have their best interest in mind – even if they are no longer married. Be amicable – even better if friendly – and don’t bad-talk each other.

Friendly divorce?

It’s possible. But reasonable and amicable is more likely. Be realistic in your demands and requirements, decide what battles are worth fighting and aim for a clean, amicable divorce. You can work on being friends later, if you have that need.

Hi feel. I am probably in the minority here. The princess and I were fairly civil during the D. Mainly because I bit my tounge quite a bit. I kept everything business like. By playing nice, I was able to keep the house, my DDs and in my state since she had an A, she didn't get spousal support. She can't pay her own Bill's and has a 1 bedroom apartment. I didn't want my DDs being bounced around and there was no room for them at her apartment.

We don't have family close and I travel weekly for work. When I am gone (usually Tuesday to Thursday), the princess comes over and stays with the girls. The days I am home she stays at her apartment. Unless it is about DDs, we don't communicate. With that being said, at first I HATED her coming in my house. But as time went on, I found out how much she hated coming over. It was a constant reminder of what she lost. She lost her home, family and friends. It's been 4 years now, and she still hasn't spoken to my neighbors who are like family. It is to the point that now she has them come to her apartment for dinner, and then back home to sleep. I am sure when DD1 goes off to college next year, she will just take DD2 to her apartment when I am gone. So be it, they have adjusted well. IMHO, they adjusted quickly to the D because I didn't let them bounce between homes. I was lucky enough to have a situation that allowed that. The only way it worked for me is that I made it real clear from the beginning to the princess and DDs, she was a visitor ONLY. That was not the princess's home what so ever!

We don't do holidays or birthdays as a family. I refuse to play pretend family and give DDs false hope. The ONLY time the 4 of us are in close proximity is at school functions.

I am also lucky enough to have a wonderful GF that unders tands the situation and is ok with it. It just works for us. I definitely don't think I could do a week on a week off. And, I know that would be an issue with my GF. So, all that to say, nesting can be done and be civil if you have the right situation. Best of luck to you!

Strike while iron is hot; if WS is amicable now - get what you can. It turns VERY quickly once reality sets in or they start talking to others.

My D was okay, it was after that it got icky.

My divorce was awful, primarily because my ex is NPD and has no concept of compromise or not getting things 100% his way.

We tried mediation, but he refused to bring all of his financials, so I told him I wasn't going to attend any more sessions (and pay for them) until he did. His interpretation was that *I* was uncooperative.

We had been separated more than two years when he contacted me about filing joint taxes. I had already filed married filing separately because we had not co-habitated in more than 2 years. He went ballistic, even though I gave him more than what he deserved in terms of half the mortgage and property taxes deduction and one child to deduct.

Things went downhill for him from there. At our temp orders hearing, he petitioned to have me file joint taxes with him and he was denied. He petitioned to not pay for private school tuition and was denied. Everything he requested was denied. At that point, he was so angry and vindictive that he wouldn't ever cooperate or compromise.

I think it's great if you can be at least businesslike, but with some personality types, they just don't accept not getting things 100% their way and there's nothing you can do about that.

Cat

Our separation was civil, even amicable. We met at a pub and decided on a rough custody schedule. My lawyer drafted a settlement agreement and sent it to his lawyer. After correcting a few things, we signed. I paid him out of the house and signed a transfer of some RRSP funds to him. We had 7 months of in-house separation before he found a place.

We discussed nesting, but I'm glad we decided against it. It is hard enough discussing parenting matters and making mutually acceptable decisions about schooling, medical and para-medical matters, extra-curriculars, etc. My ex has turned out to be a bit of an ass about some of the parenting decisions, so I can't imagine having to discuss the myriad household matters that arise. Who would pay for the house and in what proportions? When a faucet is leaking, do I have to check in with my ex before calling a plumber? Who chooses the paint colour when the garage needs to be painted?

Then, there is the resentment that would brew when one person always seems to be the one to mow the lawn or one person leaves the house looking like a sty.

It would also enforce and intimacy, even if it is in absentia, that I don't want. Would we re-stain the deck together? Would we eat each others' leftovers? Would we leave little notes for each other: "Remember. The furnace guy is coming on Monday." We have to raise kids together for many years, but I don't want to be this close to a man I don't like or trust.