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So he's making a lame ass attempt to downplay hitting you as "Dummy Slap".

Sounds like he's the big Dummy.

It doesn't matter to the police or a judge what he calls it when hit hits you, abuse is abuse and the intent was to harm you. There is an old saying "his rights end where your nose begins". He doesn't have rights to your body so him "dummy slapping" you was domestic violence and he needs to get it through his thick abusive skull that he is abusing you.

If he hits you once and you stay then he knows he can continue to hit you. Since you didn't call the cops he is trying to convince you it was your fault for acting like a dummy. This is typical abuser behavior and it will escalate. He thinks he got away with it so he doesn't fear doing it again.

Now is the time you have to be extremely careful and try to stay calm. When someone tries to leave their abuser it can cause the abuser to react violently. Please carry a voice activated recorder at all times and call the cops if he starts to threaten you or hits you. Get your go plan ready to leave at a moment's notice.

Please stay safe, your children need you.

You guys are so awesome. I really can't thank you all enough for getting me through these very dark days.

I feel like yesterday he was determined to get a rise out of me and I let him win. I was so determined to continue with grey rocking him but I just lost it and gave him exactly what he wanted. He knows what to say to make me question myself. It was all just more manipulation. I'm not letting that happen again. I'll be civil but cold as ice. I haven't been a horrible wife to him. I need to keep telling myself that. I've never lied to him or cheated on him. I'm there for him when he needs me and I show him love and affection. I don't scream at him or abuse him in any way. He deserves to be with one of the many horrible wayward wives I've read about on here so he can see what it's really like to be married to a crazy woman.

Unfortunately my 13 year old was home when it went down and while he was in a different room I'm sure he heard everything. I'm going to talk to him today about it when I get home and tell him everything is going to be ok no matter what happens. STBX is so goddamn loud I'm pretty sure the whole street heard him. No way I'm letting that happen again. My kids deserve to feel safe and happy.

I'm nervous too about him screwing me over with the down payment. I'm thinking about trying to take a day off work next week just to deal with everything. I have to talk to my boss about it when he gets back from vacation on Monday.

My coworker is awesome and is a friend of mine, and she has been such a lifesaver today along with you guys. She helps me see that nothing he is saying is true. I'm a good wife and a good mom and I don't deserve what he's done to me. I bet he thinks I'm gonna start begging him not to go. As much as it kills me to see the man I thought he was go up in smoke, I know I'll be happier when he's gone. It's been a really long time since I've felt loved and cherished by him. All his love was a lie. I have to keep reminding myself that the man I fell in love with won't ever be coming back.

He loved you the best he could. He's just missing the part makes a person love others deeply. I was married to a man like him for 45 yrs. and it's soul-crushing.

Another good source of support for you would be AlAnon. There are online meetings, YouTube videos, podcasts, many ways to hear the stories and learn the philosophy.There's probably even Facebook pages for it. I encourage you to seek it out because a little peace and serenity would fit your life very nicely right now.

Best to you.

I can't imagine dealing with this for 45 years... I'm so sorry for what you went through. I'll definitely check out Alanon, I've heard good things about it.

I'm feeling a little confused... after I got done work he started calling me and he said he put $1200 in the joint account and paid for a storage unit we have. I just said ok to everything. Then he said he was on his way home. I said ok and hung up. Since he got home he's acting normal. He's drinking a beer now and listening to music. Who knows what the hell goes through this man's head? You guys are right that I'll drive myself crazy trying to understand him.

[This message edited by Lp0725 at 6:36 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Now I'm really confused... He was basically hiding on the back porch listening to music on his phone and I went out to ask him if he was putting the baby to bed. He looked like he was either about to cry or had just been crying, and so I asked what's wrong, and he said he was "marinating" and asked if I could please put the baby to bed tonight. I said sure and went back in but while I was making the bottle I could see him out the window just hanging his head. This is extremely out of character for him. It's usually me moping around after arguments while he's just completely unaffected. I'm acting completely normal, just playing with the kids and being happy, so it's not like I'm fighting with him or anything. Quite the opposite in fact. Is this just another mind game? Is he about to snap or something? I'm just going to keep my distance and hide upstairs for the night.

It sounds to me like his world is caving in around him and he's stuck between knowing that he's thrown his life away and being to dumb or proud to admit it or stop it. No matter what he says, he obviously didn't truly want to leave the relationship, or else he would have. I think he's trying to make you come to him and stop the separation from happening - hoping you'll come and fix all of the problems he's created, preferably on his terms.

Normally, asking what an upset spouse is upset about is a caring act. But I think this is more of his manipulation. Do not bite. Assume that you're now a single parent and just do what you need to do accordingly. Do not let his martyr act confuse you!

Normally, asking what an upset spouse is upset about is a caring act. But I think this is more of his manipulation. Do not bite. Assume that you're now a single parent and just do what you need to do accordingly. Do not let his martyr act confuse you!

This 100X.

His behavior is so fucking predictable. He switched channels because he saw that rage/anger was getting him nowhere.

Sweetie, you are doing so well and things will get better soon but you must stay the course. It's so brutal when you are still so in love with the cheater but he is showing you his true colors again and again. You know this is who he is and the sooner you get away from him the more peaceful your life will be.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean my xwh acted badly for the whole 45 yrs., I meant he wanted to love and on some level he did. But his alcoholism started before he was age 25 and many of the experts believe our brains aren't fully developed until age 25 so throwing alcohol at them before it's fully developed can leave lasting results. And for him, it definitely did. He never learned how to deal with a problem other than to cuss at it, hit it or run away from it. And he never learned to truly and deeply love. He can't. Not on the level that people like you and I do.

And those are the things that I believe I'm hearing are happening in your house. And if that's the case, AlAnon is your best chance at peace and serenity. And if you could get into the program, either in person, online or by telephone, it will save you from this agony.

I can't say what will happen with your marriage because we don't know if your WH is struggling with his own demons or feeling sorry for himself but regardless, AlAnon will give you the tools and the strength to achieve peace and serenity regardless of what he's doing.

I'll go one step further. If I'd stayed in AlAnon and/or XWH had stayed with AA, we'd we'd both be happier people and we'd still be happily married. My XWH didn't cheat due to immorality; he didn't hurt me on purpose. My XWH is a sick (alcoholism) man who went to his 50th H.S.Reunion where being with people he hadn't seen or kept in touch with for 50 yrs. gave him a "high" of sorts, took him back to a place where he could be young and free and the brain chemicals that released hit him strong and hard after 34 yrs. of not drinking and he was off and running. It's really rather pathetic when I look at it that way.

Anyway, I can't recommend AlAnon strongly enough for you. I think you said your sister is married to an alcoholic? Perhaps your mother was? Or one of your grandparents was? This stuff gets passed down from generation to generation, both the alcoholism and the propensity to marry an alcoholic. Someday they'll figure out the genetic link but for now, just trust that it's there and get into AlAnon.

I would also go so far as to get your son into AlaTeen because this has to be a tough time for him and AlaTeen can help him a lot. The teen program is fun and I've never met a kid who didn't love going so please look into it.

Josie, I agree with you! Most people don't understand how excessive alcohol affects the thinking. Alcoholism is a disease of the thinking. It causes disfunction amongst the family members. This is why I commented that it seems like her WH is using alcohol to sedate, whether it is stress related or mental problems. I've seen this over and over again. Her WH seems that he is heading onto this direction or is already there.

If a person/family wants the opportunity to get well, the alcohol and drugs need to go and the family needs help.

Alanon and IC Recovery is a great place to start. I loved attending Alanon. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and family.

Lp, how have you been doing this past 24 hours? I do hope you are OK.

Hey just wanted to give you guys a quick update. He didn't bother me at all last night. I stayed upstairs and went downstairs briefly to grab something, and he started trying to have casual conversation with me. I just deflected and went back to my bedroom but could see him staring at me like a lost puppy as I was going up the steps. Today he's acting like nothing happened. We took the kids out today to have some fun and everyone had a good time.

I'm starting to think he was bluffing about moving out. For now, I'm not going to ask him anything about it. I'm just going to try to keep the peace.

Had a peaceful night last night. He hasn't been fighting with me but I'm noticing some projection/ paranoia. He's made little comments here and there when I'm on my phone, like "what are you doing, talking to your new boyfriend?". I ignore those. Yesterday when we were out I had left my cellphone in the stroller and walked away with my daughter to take her for a pony ride and to grab some snacks. I sent my daughter back to grab my phone so I could take a picture of her on the pony, and when we got back he was eyeing me suspiciously and asked why I needed my phone so bad. His tone was a bit accusatory. I told him I wanted to take a picture of her and he said ok. Then this morning he came in the bedroom when the baby woke up for his bottle and laid on the opposite side of the bed. I asked him to hand me my phone since it was next to him and he said no, that I didn't need it since I was going back to sleep anyway. I know he was just saying that because he thinks I have something to hide. I'm just going to continue ignoring it because I know he's just trying to get a reaction out of me. My gut feeling right now is that he doesn't actually intend to leave, and he's playing it cool right now in hopes this will all blow over. I think he sees now that the threat of him leaving holds no power over me anymore.

“and he said no, that I didn't need it since I was going back to sleep anyway”

This is abuse!

Lp - how are you doing?

I'm doing ok for the most part... I still cry here and there randomly, just thinking about how we used to be versus how we are now. I never imagined we'd be so detached from each other. There are times I wish he could just hold me again but then I think about everything he's done and I go cold again. I'm slowly accepting that there won't be any happily ever after for us,

and that I was totally wrong about him.

He's been kind of mean for the past couple of days, not really freaking out on me but just seems to have a negative attitude towards me. He's ramping up with the projection and paranoia. Yesterday I left my phone on the table and I was in the kitchen cooking. When I came back out he said some weird unsaved number had called my phone. He didn't outright accuse me but I could just tell from his tone. I looked at it and said it was probably just spam. Then this morning I was in the bathroom and when I came out he was in the bedroom getting his shoes on and he was sitting pretty close to where I'd left my phone on the charger. I walked over to grab it and he started saying "Yea, better hurry up and grab your phone so I don't get to look at it. You say I'm shady with my phone but really it's you who's shady, you won't even leave your phone out of your sight." I replied that isn't true and I'm not hiding anything. He's also still complaining about sleeping on the couch saying he's barely getting sleep and his back hurts, but when he complains I don't say anything. However, he hasn't attempted to touch me, hasn't said he loves me, and hasn't asked if he can start sleeping in the bed again. Not that I've been giving him any indication I'm open to that. I'm still doing the 180 and am being civil but distant. I'm not really sure what he's trying to accomplish with this behavior. I think maybe he's actually enjoying being on the couch in a way, because then he can talk to whoever he wants without worrying about me in the bed next to him. Is he just making accusations so he can justify his own cheating? Maybe he's got feelings for someone else now? Or is this just him seeking attention from me any way he can get it? He hasn't gone out anywhere, only goes to work and then comes home, so I doubt he's having sex with anyone but who knows? I just wish I knew what the hell he's trying to do here so I know what to expect :(

Don't worry about what he's trying to do. It's irrelevant, really. You just stick to YOUR plan and don't let his mood swings derail it.

The phone stuff is juvenile and childish. He's trying to create an issue that doesn't exist so that he has something to needle you about. I doubt he really believes you have anything to hide, he's just trying to get a rise out of you. I suggest not even dignifying that crap with any answers or reactions. He doesn't like the 180, poor thing, so he's trying to get you back to a place where you're challenging him so he can go back to his usual rage/intimidation and snark. No. Don't let him.

I notice the cheaters are always accusing us of being the ones capable of doing what they are ACTUALLY doing. They can dish it but they’re too scared to take it. God forbid we do it back to them. They’re little worlds would fall apart! I’d suggest continuing to ignore this. My WS did this our entire relationship and still does this now. I Let her believe whatever she wants. Who cares. She’s the one that did that crap, let her sit in her fear. Her fears are not my problem. I’m busy over here having to heal from the ACTIONS she took against me in her infidelity. Because what she did to me was real, what she thinks I’m doing is just fears she has of losing control. Even if I did choose to do it now, after what she’s done I’d be COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED.

It’s all part of their manipulation tactics to gain the control that they want and the validations they need. Ignore ignore ignore. I don’t even respond or acknowledge it. I think that’s the best tactic for this.

[This message edited by maise at 10:46 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

You guys are right - I'm giving him too much headspace and I need to stop trying to figure out what his motives are. I'm pretty sure he's convinced himself that I must be involved with someone else since I'm not giving him any attention and I haven't come to him trying to fix things like I normally do. He doesn't get that I'm just over his bullshit. Why would I want to discuss my feelings with a man who doesn't give a shit about them? I'm going to continue to ignore his stupid comments. Screw him. I hope he really is worried I'm cheating. I hope it keeps him up at night and eats away at him the way it's eaten away at me. He really does deserve a taste of his own medicine.