SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve read so many times that the probability of a WS and AP relationship lasting if they decide to marry or decide on a partnership together, is very low. Can anyone give their opinion if this statistic is true? Please share if you can.

I don’t know many couples like this in person. My grandmother and her AP were married for over 30 years, until her death. A coworker has been married to his AP for well over a decade. I’ll edit if I think of any others I personally know.

If they do have marriage issues, they probably stay longer, because of the shame ,failure...the second time...third time...and mostly.....the expensive divorce again..

On this site, you can see all the reasons why people stay.....and not D.

Im sure some can work out....I just see two messed up people....with boundary problems...their bad choices...that doesn't go away...

Every marriage has issues....they aren't living in fairy tale.

Starting in infidelity is stacked against them.

The last 10 years of our marriage were not good...nobody knew. Its not always as it seems...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:33 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

My husband's grandfather poached another man's fiancee in December of 1941, right before leaving for submarine duty in WWII. They had 4 kids and were happily married until his death in 1997.

Rumor has it that the jilted fiance eventually married someone else but never really got over H's grandmother.

We're not allowed to link out, but a quick Google search will reveal the information you're looking for. I won't quote the stats, it's not allowed here, but they are abysmal. And those stats generally are only talking about "if the WS leaves and marries the AP" which is already a small group of affairs. Most affairs end somewhere between panties off and leaving the two betrayed spouses. If you start from "Having an affair, what's the likelyhood I marry the AP" it's very, very small. If you both D, the chances are better. If you then marry, the chance are about 1 in 4 that you'll stay married (that's a pretty well known stat, so hopefully that's not violating any rules). So it depend where you are. Actually married to the AP? 25% it'll last 5 years. Just having an A and still with your spouse? Very, VERY small chance you'll be married in 5 years. Approaching (but not) 0.

My ex, the princess just got dumped by her AP today. It has been 4 years and they never lived in the same state. He would blow in to town every 6 weeks or so and head home. I know the princess has been miserable and alone ever since the D. She literally has wasted 4 years of her life waiting on assclown to invite her to his state. She was the only one that thought they had a chance.

According to the sources I found, the likelyhood of affairs actually ending in marriage is between 3 and 5 percent. Of those marriages most fall into the 75 percent of second marriages that fail. Even though fewer than 25 percent of cheaters leave a marriage for an affair partner, most of those relationships are statistically unlikely to last. The percentage I recall is less than 10% actually make it. That percentage rose significantly if the affair couples had a previous romantic relationship together prior to their first marriage.

The reasons affair couple marriages primarily fail is described in the book: Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy by Frank Pittman . Pittman identified several defects in the dynamics of affair marriages that span the scope of the relationship, from forbidden romance through established marriage and finally through breakup.

I'm paraphrasing Pittman, but here are some of those defects.

1. While still in their current marriage, the AP's become immersed in "stimulating unreality"; however the second marriage becomes reality. Only after the the divorce did things become real enough to see that their new marriage was a horrible mistake. They were too caught up in the infatuation to determine if what they were doing was sane.

2. The cheaters likely wrecked a family (or two) and inflicted a lot of pain on innocent people. Although they may have felt little guilt during the affair, after they became married, they were overwhelmed with guilt.

3. Divorces are a huge drain both financially and emotionally. After the AP's marry, they may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together.

4. AP couples may believe that their new marriage will be as good as life during the affair. They believe that "the greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations for the new marriage." In other words, “The more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage."

5. Unfaithful AP's tend to develop a distrust of marriage and for the AP who is now a spouse. A relationship that started as lies, is not build on a trustful foundation.

6. During the affair and the divorce, the unfaithful couple isolate themselves, and live in their own private little world. Together, they feel protected from the devastation they have caused. In this situation, memories of the past or of the BS can be difficult. Later, when the AP couple try to reconnect with the people they hurt, they may not find everyone so forgiving as expected. They often find that they only have each other and they have become isolated from people they used to care about.

7. When the romance fades, as it almost always does in marriages, the AP's may not understand that this is a normal part of the growth of a marriage. They may discover that they do not have the skills to foster and nurture a deep and meaningful relationship. They usually believe that that they have just fallen out of love.

8. During the affair and the divorce, the affair couple will usually blame their failed marriage on their BS. In their mind, to believe anything else, now that they remarried, is a betrayal of the fantasy world they created to originally justify the affair.

9. The affair couple has an absence of a shared history together. It is usually this shared history together that creates a comforting familiarity to relationships. For an affair couple, talking about the past is difficult. An affair that destroys a first marriage makes it painful for both spouses to discuss the past and may cause jealousy and insecurity. AP's that marry do not want to discuss the good aspects of the past BS and previous marriage. They also do not want to hear about the "good times" the other partner had.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:39 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

I think it depends - even if they stay together, are they happy?

My WH left for OW 11 yrs ago. They married like 6.5 yrs ago. Not sure if they are happy, seem to be.Not around them much, but they have lasted

Wow Hardenmyheart, that was really interesting to read. Had considered and realised most of the points but the last point was a new consideration to me, about shared history and experience And being unable to discuss it openly without resentment or jealousy. The chance of a second marriage failing anyway is higher, nevermind one as a result of an affair.

I bet this is a strong reason why even when the H or W have no reason to "fear" or be jealous of the ex spouse. Its hard to hear of the previous life and so much is unknown to you like you're isolated from their past and disconnected to part of them. But like in an affair once you've been in direct competition with bs even if you think you've won you wont stop viewing them as competition or at least a threat. You'd need to deal with the kids admiring them. Your spouses family possibly liking them. knowing you wronged them and knowing karma can be creeping up on you.

I've seen it on other forums and here. Aps or wayward spouses finding out years later they too have been betrayed, they find out they are not special and while I always feel sorry for them at the time, often a little digging reveals there was a cross over. Always minimised by the betrayed ap or ws. And what is funny is they almost think how they got together is irrelevant. Like length of time has erased the dysfunctional start. Usually these details come to light via other questions or discussions. And these are cases where the affair marriage has seemingly lasted years, been happy, trustworthy etc. It demonstrates anything built on a defiled foundation has the ability to rot and erode even years later no matter how perfect it looks or feels.

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 11:58 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

People that I know in real life.

1- my mother left my father and he dated his AP for 2 years, they broke up when he had to move to another state for his job.

2- my old neighbor, the wife wanted to be married but living in different houses in the neigborhood (they had a child), the husband accepted this arrangement for like 7 years until I knew neighbor came along. They had a 6 months affair, he divorced his wife and married the AP. They've been together for 10 years, have 2 kids and seem happy.

3- husband leaves his wife of 15 years for his AP. They were together for 18 years until AP cheated. They separated for 1 year and now are trying to reconcile.

4- my husbands cousin, her husband left her and the kids for his AP, they lasted 6 months. Now the AP is trying to reconcile with her husband. The cousin wants to try again but her husband wants the divorce anyway. It's very sad, she was here with us last month.

5- one of my husbands bf, his parents switched spouses with another couple. The first couple was the cheaters and the OBSs got together after. It's been more than 10 years and they are still together. Our friend said It's strange for the children (they are adults) but their parents don't fight and are happy. We visit the cheater couple every time we go to my husband home and they do seem happy.

I believe the statistics are mostly true but it's not 100% correct. Another thing, this research is mostly in US? Because these cases are not American people. In Europe it seems more "accepted ".

Edit: I forgot about my grandma, my grandpa left his wife and 2 kids for my grandma. They had 3 kids (my mom include) and stayed together until he died.

[This message edited by Girl123 at 3:19 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Here is everyone I know:

1. Both APs left spouse for each other and got married. Still married, but male AP has cheated and female is contemplating revenge affair.

2. Both APs left spouses for each other, stayed together a couple of years, broke up. Both married to new people and do not talk.

3. Male AP left his wife briefly to pursue relationship with single AP. Didn’t work out, reconciled and still with wife.

I have a friend who is the victim of infidelity. LTA. When she found out she exposed and threw him out. The AP was thrown out. They moved in together and are engaged.

Lives have been hell - children f'd up and acting out.

A few weeks ago they were reported to be arguing outside shouting at each other for everyone to hear "I can't believe I ruined my life for you..."

I was my WW's second AP during her first marriage. I was single and never married. Our A was not a secret however, I picked her up for dates at her house while her H was home. They were planning to D and living their own lives by mutual agreement. Although we're still married (for now) you can read my history and see how that decision turned out. I think my biggest regret in life is that I was too ignorant and naïve to understand the implications her past waved right in front of my face.

While I can't speak to statistics, I can speak to those I am aware of statistically.

Of the five affairs I know of:

3 (60%) the BS divorced the WS immediately without any attempts to reconcile

1 (20%) the BS (me) is attempting reconciliation

1 (20%) the WS would not go to counseling, so the BS divorced him. He married AP and they have been together for 20 years. It's not a happy relationship by any means. His kids and grand kids want little to do with him. His family barely tolerates his AP wife (this is her 4th marriage). All around not a good situation.

In my own life:

My dad married his AP and they have been married for 35 years. My brother caught him cheating on her as well many years ago. I do love them both and I hope he got his shit together.

My WXH and OW got married nearly a year ago. He is either her 3rd or 4th M. I expect it will last as long as her inheritance. He always wanted a wife with $.

I believe the statistics are mostly true but it's not 100% correct. Another thing, this research is mostly in US? Because these cases are not American people. In Europe it seems more "accepted ".

Hi Girl123, I believe these are US studies. For European statistics, you would probably need to look at the divorce rate of second marriages for the particular country. From my experience, there seems to be a variety of cultural differences between the countries in Europe. I would expect that the acceptance of affair marriages would be related to how accepting the culture is of infidelity in general.

Even if cheating is more culturally accepted, it still doesn't change the fact that the actions of the affair couple are very destructive to the innocent people they are impacting. In my mind, to cause this kind of destruction on loved ones and family is a very selfish and abusive act. If your marriage isn't working out, for whatever reason, then do the honorable thing and divorce your spouse, before seeing other people. The other spouse may not like it, but at least they are not hit with the severe trauma associated with a betrayal. Someone that betrays and lies to the person they vowed to love and protect however, must be either very selfish and/or their judgement so clouded by the infatuation they feel.

Personally, I know I would never want to start a relationship based on cheating. There is no women on earth for me that is worth sacrificing my integrity over to hurt my family and/or someone else's family. I just couldn't do that. Even though my wife had a 3 year affair (we R'd over 10 years ago), I would still never cheat on her, even if I was tempted by the most wonderful woman on the planet. The guilt alone would consume me.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:41 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

I think those statistics apply to a WH and single OW affair? Maybe not. My sense is that WW are more likely to have an exit affair so they may have already committed long-term to the OM in their mind before divorce. WH are less likely to divorce as the plan was never to replace the marriage but to "supplement" it. But I am not quoting statistics here so take all of this with a grain of salt. This just seems to be the story I see most often.

On the other hand, I'm sure there are people who got married after who started as affairs and who were never outed . . . would they answer a survey honestly? Who knows.

I won't quote the stats, it's not allowed here,

RIO, is it an SI rule that you can't cite statistics from legitimate research?

[This message edited by DIFM at 11:35 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Begin T/J

is it an DI rule that you can't cite statistics from legitimate research?

Based on some of the recent discussions I have had with the SI Mods/Admin, I think it's best to clear the Source (especially if it's a website) and any links with the mods before posting it.

Mods/Guides, please correct me if I'm wrong about this.

End T/J

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:53 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Quoting a web site or articles is usually low on validity. Quoting facts from vetted research seems to be what we would want to do.