SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wrote an extended response to your post yesterday. Then somehow, I didn't get it posted before my ADHD kicked in.

Welcome to SI. I'm really sorry that you have a reason to be here.

I truly applaud you for sticking around. You may not be doing everything right, but posting here is a huge step.

I am concerned though that from your statements, you aren't willing to do whatever it takes to rectify the situation.

Have you read through the "just found out forums"?

There are several heart wrenching threads there. More are coming hourly.

Infidelity is running rampant.

Until you can get just a glimpse of what your H is going through, you may never really understand any of it.

If I even thought he was capable of thinking that way, the next words he heard from me would be from a divorce attorney. My sister could be in jail for conspiracy to murder me and I would still talk to her. I love my sister period and end of story. Same goes for if he at any point said that my feelings don't matter anymore because I had an affair. There would be nothing left at that point. Asking for a divorce is much more understandable than having the desire to act like a controlling psychopath.

I highlighted what stood out to me. I hate to break it to you, but at this point, your feelings don't matter.

Let me put it this way, right now, your marriage is dead.

Your husband is bleeding out from a gunshot wound to the gut. He needs major attention.

It feels as if you're demanding that the dr. treat your minor scratch before attending to the major hole in your husband's heart.

It's really time to take a backseat to his needs. I hate to say it this way, but you caused this and yet you seem to not want the consequences.

Once your husband's rage hits, he really won't care about your feelings. That's not an understatement. That also doesn't make him a psychopath. That makes him a hurting husband.

He is grieving a death. Yes it's that real! I've lost a father and many friends, but none ever felt so horrible as when I lost who I thought my wife was.

I'm over 3 years out, my wife has done everything in her power to make it right, but it will never be right.

I don't say any of this to sound harsh. We're all here for free on our own time. We just really want to keep you from making the same mistakes that others have made.

My advice is to listen to what you are being told.

Drop any and all defensiveness. Don't say that you aren't willing to do something.

Are you saying that your friend and your sister knew of the affair and never told your husband?

That's considered enabling the affair. That is awful!!!

What would your advice to your own children be in this situation?

When you find advice that you don't like or even hate, don't discount it. Dig in, see why it bothers you so much. Maybe it's hitting too close to home?

Keep posting. "How to Help your spouse heal" is a staple for recovery on this site. Please find it and share it with your husband. This book is awesome.

I also suggest sending your H here. We can help.

Keep working and God bless your family.

Please read my longer post above. I am not going to tell you what you have to do. Reconciliation looks different for different people. I won't even say to tell him all of the sexual stuff unprompted. I would say to offer that to him if he asks. He might not want to know, and he has every right to not want to know.

No, the answer isn't beat each other up. You are looking at this like a punishment, and it isn't. This is you, being willing to do what it takes from your BH's perspective, in order to restore what you can of your marriage.

If you don't want to do what your husband asks, that's fine. It's your boundary. The people here ARE experienced. I can tell you with pretty good accuracy what your husband is thinking and feeling. It took me 15 years to really recover from my XWW's affair. It was nothing short of crippling.

He's internalizing it because he loves you, and deep down he wants to protect you, and see you for what he thought you were. Being confronted with the fact that he had zero idea who you really were is extraordinarily damaging. He can't make the picture in front of him make sense. He wants to confide in you about what he's feeling, but you caused these feelings. He wants to not feel what he's feeling. He wishes it were easier to hate you. He hates himself for being such a bad judge of character. He can't eat. He can't sleep. He's too sad to be angry.

You do seem a little prideful, and that's fine. You are going to need to shed that, and be humble and vulnerable. You are going to need to let him inside to the really ugly place where all of this started. You are going to need to be more open with him than you ever have with anyone.

That is where the healing is. That is the bare, awful, uncomfortable honesty is needed. The do-anything sacrifice of someone who knows the damage she's caused.

You aren't there yet, but you're here and that helps. You need to get there. People here want to help you.

I know you plan to tell your BH the details. Thought I'd add to the list of reasons why.

In your A, you shared intimacy with another man. That intimacy was something you promised you would share only with your BH. You have created an "intimacy hole" or "intimacy gap" in your marriage, and, worse, another man currently owns that gap. In fact, you talked to your AP about your BH, but not vice versa.

Your BH will need to regain ownership of that segment of your life. No matter how painful, most betrayed spouses feel better knowing the full truth, and knowing their WW has bee 100% transparent.

By the way, I do not believe in privacy between spouses, at all. I'm not suggesting you make a habit of reading all of each others' messages, emails, texts, etc. I'm merely suggesting the this should always be available. In the wake of an A, many betrayed spouses take comfort in occasionally looking at your messages and such at random times. After all, you were able to lie to him and cheat on him once. What assurance can you give that you won't do it again (or that you aren't still lying to him)?

As to the sister/friend, I'm more with BraveSirRobin than others, but with a modification. If your sister knew you were having an A and did not tell your BH or at least try to get you to not continue cheating and lying, she is not a friend of the marriage. It is 100% fair for your BH to treat her as such. This means no family vacations where she participates, etc. You can and should remain close to your sister, but your BH has every reason to resent her as a co-conspirator of infidelity.

As to your friend who knew of the A, she is also not a friend of the marriage. Married people generally ought to avoid non-related people who are not friends of the marriage. But where there is a history of actual infidelity, any third party who was a co-conspirator normally should be gone from your life.

Everybody heals differently, as noted. I do agree with some of the posters here that your thread reeks of a certain degree of pridefulness and entitlement. Or, rather, you don't show the humility and gratitude that would often be needed from a WW to warrant her BH giving her the gift of an opportunity to try to R. Maybe you don't really want to R with your BH?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:00 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

So the solution is to try to beat each other up until there is nothing left?

No, the solution is to show your husband that you're willing to make sweeping, radical changes to yourself and your life in order to become something resembling a decent partner. The abundance of pride and selfishness you're demonstrating in this thread makes it obvious that you're not willing, at least not as you are now. You've made it clear that your husband is pretty low on your priority list, somewhere below your own comfort, your own wants, your best friend, and your sister. I find it sad you don't think he's deserving of more than that.

Wool94 is entirely correct. Right now your feelings don't matter. You need to take a backseat and make it all about your husband. You need to be willing to do whatever it takes to make amends. You need to let go of your pride, drop your defenses, and show him that he means more to you than anything else.

[This message edited by firenze at 5:19 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

You are going to need to rely on someone other than your BH if it gets shitty for you.

See, now, this I don't get at all. You've just endorsed the idea that anyone she trusted enough to discuss the A with was a co-conspirator who ought to be cut out of her life. Exactly who is she supposed to lean on? Should she let them know that if she says anything her BH doesn't like, then the outcome of offering support is that the friendship will end?

VioletElle, I know this is so, so scary. Writing worked well for me. It wasn't that it gave me the chance to craft lies; on the contrary, it forced me to see my words in physical reality and audit their truthfulness. However you choose to handle it, I will be thinking of you and hoping you check back to tell us how it went.

What Firenze said above; it’s a question of priorities.

I can speak from experience here because our story isn’t that dissimilar (but I was in your husbands shoes). My wife told her SIL (her younger brother’s wife who was also one of her best friends) and she told a second close friend.

This SIL; I loved like a sister (adored her - platonically). She kept my wife’s secret and didn’t discourage the affair. When I found out that betrayal (SILs betrayal of our friendship) added a whole other layer of pain on top of everything else.

I was not ok with their friendship after that, and had my wife balked at giving up that friendship (prioritizing her relationship with SIL over her relationship with me we would have been done and headed for divorce).

Like your husband I had no desire to “punish” or isolate my wife, so we still see SIL because otherwise she’d lose a brother (who didn’t know anything), but that close friendship that was, is no more.

It’s a natural consequence, not vindictiveness or a punishment. This is a person I can’t trust, who absolutely doesn’t have my best interests at heart and to this day hasn’t even made an attempt to apologize.

I’d suggest asking your sister to at least explain to your husband how conflicted she felt (assuming she did feel conflicted and didn’t support the affair). As for the friend... it’s of course up to you, but in your shoes that’s not a hill I’d die on.

[This message edited by drownedman at 5:21 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

You sound rather flippant about the eventual divorce. It has major negative consequences on the lives of kids but looks like you have thought it through. Most WS subconsciously want out but aren't courageous enough to end it. What changes do you desire from your spouse to have a better/more honest marriage?

Also,why did you not divorce your husband before dating other men? You are don't seem like someone paralyzed in fear or indecision so why could you not express your needs to your husband?

This is your personal space for help. I don't think you should tell your husband about it. He'll carve his own path at his own pace.

I think the real question I would have as a BH; how did both your sister and your friend feel about your affair? Were they trying to get you to end it and tell you how bad an idea it was? Or were they encouraging it and asking all of the dirty details you are probably disclosing as we speak to you BH? If the former than I think there could be room for them moving forward; though likely in a reduced capacity. If the latter; than they have to go; or every interaction with them will be a knife in your Bh's back. As someone else mentioned how can you claim these people are a friend of your marriage? Just my 2 cents.

Well it's done. It was pretty miserable, but I told him. He's not happy or impressed about it but yeah. I'm very upset too.

He went to pick up the kids and instead went and got me ice cream first. I don't get ice cream often, so I'm eating it......right from the tub.

He went back out to get the kids. I can't stop crying about how good he is to me.

Instead if looking at it that way, crying because he's so good to you, look at it from his perspective. The person he loves has shared herself with another men. Something most BH's on this site will tell you is the very worst part of all of that this. He is devastated. Traumatized.

Terrified.

And doing the pick me dance.

From many of your comments in this thread, it's apparent you are not remorseful just yet. That you dont really understand what this has done to your husband, your marriage. And yourself. My guess is, your husband senses that he can not show anger, or ask much of you. It's why he's doing the pick me dance. I've no doubt he loves you. He is behaving as if he's terrified to lose you. Imagine how that must feel. See it from his POV. Then empathize with him.

Sincere question. Gently, are you crying because he's in pain? Or because you're embarrassed, humiliated, and feel worse about yourself? Both?

Be very kind to him. He's going to need time to process what you've told him.

both

For many BHs a complete soul draining confession moves recovery to another level.

It's a bit like setting a bone, it hurts like hell, but allows healing.

Has your BH confronted the OM or exposed him?

[This message edited by survrus at 8:26 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

VE, how will you follow this up?

Hmmm, his initial reaction is not good for him or the long term prospects for a healthy marriage. I agree he is doing the Pick Me Dance, and one day he will look back at this time and hate that he did. Ask me how I know. Hopefully, he’ll deal with that pain better than I did. I drank too much to numb the pain, and that wasn’t good for anyone. If you love him as much as you claim, do not let him continue to rugsweep this A. Get him to go to a counselor who specializes in infidelity to help him start to heal.

I don't really know what happens now. He's home and we talked for a little bit and I told him I'm only going to come to bed if he invites me. It wasn't an ultimatum, i just didn't want him to feel like he has to sleep with me. He's quite upset. I'm such a fuck up.

VioletElle, good for you. This is just the beginning, but many WS never make it even this far. Honesty is hard and hurts like hell. I too have had to collapse with some ice cream and cry it out.

ETA: If you've been completely forthright, try to focus on the pain you are sparing him rather than the pain you are inflicting. The worst thing you could do right now -- and it will be very, VERY tempting -- is to backtrack and minimize the facts of the A because you can't face his pain. You don't want to have repeated nights like this one, where you hit him with trickle truth over and over. Hold on and stay the course. It will be much better for him in the long run.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 9:25 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

Violet -

I'm glad you honestly answered his questions. That must have been very hard, but it was the right thing to do.

PLEASE read the books suggested here. READ THEM NOW!

How to help your spouse heal is available free online in a PDF form. it's about 100 pages - a VERY quick read. I suggest you read it more than once. There is a list for "successful rebuilders" which needs to be incorporated into your psyche.

Have you read the threads I discussed in my original reply to your post? If not, WHY (and that's a rhetorical why).

It is absolutely clear that you do not understand how damaging this is to your BH. Your responses reek of entitlement - the exact same entitlement that leads most (if not all) WS to have an affair. If your BH decides to rugsweep this, you and him and your M will all suffer. You can put a band aid on things and pretend there is no wound underneath, but with time, it will fester and ooze and get gangrene...and I'm talking gangrene of the soul.

It's more likely than not that eventually your BH will figure out this is NOT his fault... and by not recognizing the harm you have caused, you will not be at all prepared for the tidal wave of rage that could very well be next. It's not pretty.

Godspeed.

And doing the pick me dance.

Let's not get into that assumption. Pick me dances are done by BHs, who try to nice remorse-less, cruel and narcissistic WSs.

This is just a simple act of offering grace.

I don't see this as a pick me dance. Anger can come later, but it takes a strong person to show grace and compassion to someone who, like him, is afraid.

It could be his way of telling VE that no matter what comes later, at this moment, I don't want you to be afraid?

Maybe I am wrong. But I am hoping, that this will indeed change the way R is happening for them.

The pick me dance is also done by BH's who blame themselves, as her husband has. Men who would rather see their wife as a victim of a predatory OM,or the victim of the supposed neglect of the Bh toward his WW. Because it hurts a little less to think he is at fault, rather than their wife, because it is devastating to realize your wife isnt the woman you thought she was.

Mine is not an assumption. Based on everything she has posted, it seems quite clear that is what he is doing. In my opinion.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:07 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

Because it hurts a little less to think he is at fault, rather than their wife, because it is devastating to realize your wife isnt the woman you thought she was.

Not trying to be contrary here. But isn't that more out of denial than out of fear that the WS will throw in the towel? I mean if it was done for the latter, then I'd think of it as a pick-me dance. Just wondering.