SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No stop sign, I'm a BS so here goes.

I honestly don't know if you really believe everything you're saying here or if you're trying to fool yourself, and in turn your BH.

You cannot dictate his healing, either it's path or it's timeline. Speaking of timelines, I know it's been mentioned before but have you done one yet? You should, a fully detailed one too.

How does being with your husband for 16yrs automatically mean he knows you love him? You've just told him that you've had sex with another man on multiple occasions. If you were on the receiving end tell me you wouldn't be doubting your very existence, never mind your spouse's love? Yet you seem to be expecting him to be putting this all behind him asap. It's beyond my scope of belief.

Finally you were the one who cheated, had no problem at all having sex with another man but feel uncomfortable discussing it with your BH. You need to get over this fast. You need to answer any questions honestly and respectfully, furthermore you really need to start to initiate conversations too.

(((VioletElle))) It's a horrible time in your life, but it's also a once in a lifetime opportunity to address some very deep issues that otherwise don't come to the surface. Don't run away from it. You are getting good advice on this thread.

You have to burn the affair to the ground. Let your husband help you do that. Shine the cold light of day on every single detail, together with your husband. He might have insight into why it happened for you, and he will help you understand what it felt like for him and how you can help him heal.

You start to get out from under the guilt by being as kind to your husband as you possibly can. Don't argue with him when he tells you how he feels - listen and assume he knows what he feels and why, and try to understand instead of telling him why he's wrong or why you are right. Do all the little things he likes that show affection and love. That won't heal all of his injuries but it will help both of you, you to offer and have him receive, and him to receive.

And you are hurting too. Let him help you, if he wants to.

[This message edited by Pippin at 10:16 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

With all do respect, the gravity of what you've done to your BH isn't yet realized.

While it doesn't seem to be worth much here, more than 16 years of my life with him would say otherwise. He knows that I love him. There's nothing ambiguous about that.

That's the thing. In his mind, you just threw away the previous 16 years because you showed him it is meaningless by bedding down with another man for some "high" you got. That all the love and caring he gave is not valued by you. You may dispute that...but please understand his point of view. Empathy rather than defensiveness is paramount here. Don't resent what folks here are telling you...they are spending time to help you understand his perspective to help you. They are trying to help you get out of feeling badly about yourself right now because it will do more damage to your relationship with your BH. Many of us come here and think we know it all. But I found that even as a BS the fine folks here (WS and BS alike) understood what I and my WS go through like nobody else and their experience helped us most.

In our case my WS was aghast that I told him our previous 20 years together were a lie. To be honest, that perspective has not changed for me, a full three years after d-day. He isn't the person I thought he was and that is true from my perspective and his. This is a watershed moment for you and your BH, a moment that informs both of you of a reality very different from what was known previously. You both will survive this in one way or another. But please know it is never going to be the same by your actions. Now you get to decide what you are going to do about it. Minimizing the damage will cause more damage to the relationship - that I guarantee.

Everyone here is on your side believe it or not - we want healthy folks who are reformed and healed because life is better in that space.

more than 16 years of my life with him would say otherwise. He knows that I love him. There's nothing ambiguous about that.

ummm, nope, nada, etc

I don't think you're really grasping what he's going through if you can argue that being "uncomfortable" is a valid reason for withholding the facts he needs. It's like he's lying in the ground bleeding out from a gunshot wound to the belly, and you're telling him you'd help if you could, but you have a bruise on your shoulder and it really hurts. The final insult is that you got the bruise from the recoil when you shot him at point blank range.

yes-100%

It’s super important to recognize that it is quite often NOT the affair itself that kills the marriage....it’s how the WS behaves in the aftermath AFTER DDay.

As to “love”? Folks don’t lie to people they “love”. There is a thread on wayward from fall 2018 on SI called “how could you do this if you loved me” if you are able to access it, it may open your mind a bit on this front. Put simply, any love that includes the conniving, the lying, and the sex of an A is a form of “love” that is toxic to a BS. It is a f*cked up concept of love, which should include basic RESPECT - which is far from what’s going on in an A. Fraud (which is what an A really is) is NOT what we do to those we “love”. It is not respect. It is a dealbreaker for the M. The question now becomes whether you and your WH can heal/recover, whether you can fix your sh*t, and IF your WH and you choose to try and build a NEW marriage. Sorry if that is harsh, but it’s the truth. Your old marriage is probably dead. Your WH will likely have a LONG grieving process. It’s trauma- plain and simple.

An affair is not something you or you BH or you M can “get past”. Either you work THROUGH it or you don’t (aka rugsweep it and the fallout).

Another place for insight as to what your BH may be feeling is the betrayed men’s thread in the I can relate forum.

Warning- it may be very difficult for a WW to read, esp this early after DDay. These are men working through the horror (that’s not exaggerating) of learning their wife has shared herself and her body with another man.

Once again VE, your BH MUST know how debased your affair was in all its gory details - emotional and physical. Until he knows that he will try to keep that "poor wronged VioletElle" image in his mind and see you as the victim. To see you as the victim, he needs to see the other man as the perpetrator and himself as the enabler. See where this gets?

Do you think you are the victim? Of course not. Yet your husband seems to want to believe that even at the cost of his own sanity. This will not end well if you don't reveal all the details. He will keep asking you all of it until he is convinced. This state will not last forever, but as long as it lasts he will descend into a deep state of depression and self-criticism.

Do you want him to stop criticizing himself? Then make yourself the subject of it, by letting him know how bad you were.

How often does he ask "How could you?"? Does he even ask that? At the moment, going by what you've told us he is mostly thinking "How could I've?" He should start asking the former and for that he should know everything that you did. You say you love him and he knows that. No he doesn't. He probably thinks that now, but in a few months time he will question that.

By the way, when was your D-day? How long out have you been from all of this? What do you tell him when he comes to you asking for reassurances?

[This message edited by hadji at 12:18 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

One more thing, you said

"He knows we weren't doing it much at that time, so that's not new information."

As if you were talking about the way you washed your hair or bought a pair of shoes, anything but not having sex with your BH while you were off doing it with another man. I'm not trying to be harsh just respectfully pointing out how you're minimising your actions while managing his behavior.

You're going to have to let him feel his own emotions and remember the 2-5 healing timeline.

he will try to keep that "poor wronged VioletElle" image in his mind and see you as the victim. To see you as the victim, he needs to see the other man as the perpetrator and himself as the enabler. See where this gets?

Do you think you are the victim? Of course not.

Thank-you for this. I think this is what I needed to hear and puts into words how I've been feeling. I simply can't live with being made the victim in all this. I'm not the victim and I never pretended to be. I'm going to tell him everything and let him be the judge of it all.

It's just eating me up inside. The pain is almost unbearable today. And yeah I get the overwhelming response that I'm an uncaring bitch and I know I'm not a good person. But that doesn't mean I don't have a right to having feelings too. They took me out from brunch today and he did everything perfect and the kids were perfect and I am just so overwhelmed with not being good enough for him.

So I'm going to tell him and once he knows everything there won't be any secrets. If he can't handle it then that will be it. As much as I love him, and no matter what anyone says I do love him, I'm not about to wear a scarlet A for the rest of my life. At some point there needs to be a point where we can move past this. I know we're not there yet and I do appreciate anyone who took the time to respond. I promised him not to talk to anyone about this so I don't have anywhere to turn. Sorry for my emotional rant.

By the way, when was your D-day? How long out have you been from all of this? What do you tell him when he comes to you asking for reassurances?

It was December 8th. The affair ended in November. I try to tell him about all the wonderful qualities he has. I try to listen. And be available for intimacy.

A few people have responded to this already, however I'll add one more...

more than 16 years of my life with him would say otherwise. He knows that I love him. There's nothing ambiguous about that.

Here's the analogy:

Imagine the babysitter that you've used for the past 5 years, and that has always seemed good with the kids, shows up one day with a gun in her hand and shoots all of your kids, putting them into the hospital with severe wounds that almost killed them. A few days later, she calls you and says, "So, would you like me to come same time next week to watch the kids for you?"

Would you ever let that babysitter anywhere near your kids again? But what about the last 5 years when she didn't decide to shoot the kids for no reason? Doesn't that count?

When WE (WS's) look back at our marriages, we often tend to try and focus on the good things. Which, lets be honest, are the things we didn't lend much credence to when we had our affairs. But our BS's often look back and now only see the precursors that they missed. The act of infidelity poisons everything. For them, those past 16 years are now meaningless

This is important to understand. THEY NO LONGER KNOW YOU OR TRUST ANYTHING YOU SAY. PERIOD.

You say you had happy 16 years. How does he know that? How does he know you didn't have another affair before this one? Or ten? Or a hundred? How does he know you aren't still having one now? Or will have another in the future as soon as things get tough?

The answer is, he doesn't know any of those things, not for sure. And where he once may have simply given you the benefit of the doubt, look where that got him. He trusted you, and in his book, you took advantage of that trust, in the most painful and cruel way possible.

Whether or not you are still technically married, and whether or not he still wears his ring, the marriage and the relationship that you once had is now over. You can always build a new one, a better one even, but the one you had is gone. It just is. There is no past 16 years because he will never know how much of it was a lie, and will now look back and question every "I love you" and wonder if that was manipulation, or how you benefitted from his love. He may feel like a chump for ever trusting you or the relationship.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am in no way trying to critisize you more or make you feel worse about yourself. This is advice on reality from someone who also had to swallow that bitter pill, and didn't handle it so well. So I'm hoping to help you to get there faster and with better understanding than I did.

Just imagine that you are divorced and meeting your husband for the first time, because in a way, you are. He nows sees "the real you" and you may see it as well. So in order to win his heart again, you will need to start over again, and this time, it's all uphill.

Several of your comments reek of rugsweeping.

If you insist your BH rugsweep,it will eat him alive. You may be more comfortable, because the affair is no longer being discussed. But it will cause him more damage. It will change who he is,and the way he sees you. Rugsweeping will kill the marriage, and the love. And,you love him, right? So dont rugsweep.

When people tell you it takes 3 to 5 years to heal, they're not just speaking out of their ass. Attempting reconciliation is a very long process, if you do it right.

Tell us more about your story. Who was OM? Is he a coworker? Do you run into him around town? Does your husband? Does his wife know?

Things you should be doing..

Answering all of his questions, without anger or defensiveness.

Being completely honest about everything.

Tested for STDs.

Going NC with anyone who knew about the affair, but didn't tell your husband.

NC.

Full transparency. Your husband gets full access to everything, email phones, Facebook etc. Passwords included.

IC to figure out why you did this.

And anything else your husband needs.

Does your husband know about SI? Encourage him to post,so he can get support.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:54 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

The reason he blames himself, more than you, is because if this was his fault then he believes he can prevent it from happening again.

...I'm not about to wear a scarlet A for the rest of my life. At some point there needs to be a point where we can move past this.

I hope you understand that healing from intimate betrayal typically takes two to five years. Most of us experience it as traumatic injury to our psyche. It can cause depression, anxiety, and actually change the neural networks our brains use to process information. The recovery is quite arduous.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:24 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

The "scarlet A" comment screams resentment your BH is not following your plan for rugsweeping. IMHO this shows very little regret and nowhere near remorse.

I view marriage as a team effort. And I view an affair as a team failure. Maybe such a failure means it’s time for the team to break up. But in the aftermath of my wife’s affair, we chose to examine how we had failed and how to start succeeding together.

Her affair happened because she desperately needed something that I had not provided: specific, steadfast help coping with extreme childhood neglect and abuse. She had not articulated the need to herself or to me. But she had felt that her affair partner was in some way addressing this need (in fact, he was exploiting it). Now we are learning, as a team, how I can meet this need, and the results are wonderful for both of us.

So was the affair my fault? No. Although if we had known years ago what we know now, we would both have behaved differently all along and there wouldn’t have been an affair.

I feel safe knowing that by meeting her needs I can minimize the risk of another affair. The alternative position, that I have no responsibility for or influence over her behavior, would leave me feeling frightened and helpless.

Sadly, the scarlet A will always be there. You will have to embrace it. It will stop bothering you and your BH after a few years, but it will be there forever.

I am surprised that your BH is still in a phase of self-criticism 6 months out. That is unusual. Normally, by this time he should actually be asking you all the questions, and holding you accountable. Is it his nature to always feel inadequate and undeserving of anything? He needs to be in counseling/therapy for this.

Edit: Amen to what HellFire said. Your husband should be reading and posting here.

[This message edited by hadji at 4:29 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

The "scarlet A" comment screams resentment your BH is not following your plan for rugsweeping. IMHO this shows very little regret and nowhere near remorse.

Completely agreed. Other comments made by VE suggest the same. Mostly I see regret, impatience, and annoyance. Nothing in the way of remorse and understanding.

So I'm going to tell him and once he knows everything there won't be any secrets.

Good luck with this VioletElle, it will be hard but he does need to know every single detail. For his sake and for yours. Radical honesty is a necessary step.

If he can't handle it then that will be it.

Give him time. He may be in shock at first, then cycle through different stages. Be kind to him and let him know you are working very hard on figuring it out.

I promised him not to talk to anyone about this so I don't have anywhere to turn.

Me too, I felt so alone for so long in not telling anyone. There are many ways to use SI so you don't feel alone. Forums are one but not the only. Reach out to people whose posts helped you, read the healing library, offer advice to others. Even if you aren't perfectly healed and reconciled, by offering advice to others you sometimes back into something important for yourself.

Good luck with your conversation.

The reason he blames himself, more than you, is because if this was his fault then he believes he can prevent it from happening again.

Please pay attention to this.

Adding to Pippin's advise, do stay on this site. Your heart is in the right place. But your actions and thoughts however need direction. The members here can provide you that.