SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After reading through a lot of threads here, I am wondering how the BS's don't seem to really struggle with wanting to have a revenge affair. I can admit I can be a very spiteful person when I feel I've been wronged, and if I found out my WH had literally been screwing another woman in my bed, or something really horrible like that, I think I would want to destroy him back. I caught my husband sexting and doing flirtatious crap on social media, and even with that I've struggled with resisting the urge to cheat on him and rub it in his face. I want him to feel that punch in the gut, that awful searing pain in his heart that I felt. How do you rise above and still honor your vows after the BS shit all over them? Am I just a shitty person for having these thoughts?

I hear ya.

I do struggle with it. Not for the sake of revenge, but for the ability to truly put her in my shoes... however, if I were to do so, it would be a graceless exit affair.

And I'm better than that.

Do I check out women? Yes.

Do I let her know that I notice women? Now, after DDay, you bet your ass I do.

It makes her uncomfortable when I do point out a woman's body - which is the absolute closest I'll ever get to having an A, so help me Gd.

I did. All it did in my WS's eyes was even the playing field. He's not remorseful for any of his A's to this day. I'm not sure my RA even made a dent in his armor.

The thoughts are normal... acting on those thoughts are a different story.

I've had those thoughts a million times. When it comes down to it, I couldn't do that to my kids. I want to be a role model for them. Breaking the vows I made to the man I married would be something I could never explain to them. It's so painful to think it was so easy for him to do.

I think about it. I check out other men far more now.

I haven't done for several reasons. Idk if any of them are noble. Holding fast to my marriage vows is not one of them.

I think I'm just not a cheater. The reality of it disgusts me. I can't imagine having sex with some strange man and then coming home to my H, lying in bed next to him. It physically repulses me.

Also, for me, it would just be too much work. First, I'd have to find someone I'm attracted to. No small feat. Then, I'd actually have to figure out some way to broach the subject and set everything up. I too freakin' lazy for all that!

It's just not worth it. I'd just get a D and move on with my life.

I got my revenge in a different way. Hit him in the wallet.

Never entertained a revenge affair. I’m better than that - I don’t want to be like him that’s for sure.

I could never have an RA. I am not a liar or a cheat. And I dont have sex with people I dont love. WH's bad behavior doesnt get to make me into someone I'm not. I am so much better than that. I can look myself in the mirror every morning and like the person I see.

I know at this point WH wants nothing more than to have things between us go back to how they were before I discovered what a POS he is. Guess what? That is NEVER going to happen. All that time and effort I put into him, into our M, now I put into myself. Now I get what I want. Separation, distance, peace. I'm not doing this for revenge. It's not about him at all. I'm doing it FOR ME. I know hes hurting, but, oh well. Every day he is living (alone) with the consequences of his actions. That's enough revenge for me.

I think the old me would've just gotten revenge on him and then divorced him. But I'm older and wiser, and I don't want to cede the moral high ground, even if only in my head. I also just feel so cynical towards men at this point. I've been hurt so much that I just can't even imagine trusting someone enough to want to be sexually and emotionally open to them. I know there are lots of men on here who would never cheat though, so that gives me hope that I may find one of them one day if I divorce.

The main reason I haven't cheated on him is because I just want better for myself. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to hurt him. I'm resisting my urges to be cruel and vindictive. But if I found out he actually had sex with someone, I don't think I could resist the urge to tear him apart before divorcing him.

oh the feeling of revenge was strong with me but I didn't want to just pay them back, I wanted them to suffer twice what I was so instead of a revenge affair, I just made their life miserable.

I think that is why my first action was to contact her BS. I wanted her marriage to go down in flames - and if I was there fanning them, all the better. Her marriage did end horribly and I was more than happy to give testimony in the divorce trial by way of a written document.

I've made her uncomfortable at her job, I've gone out of my way so that she sees me with my husband - happy now I might add. I've told her if she wanted someone with money, she should have been flirting with me. I even told her current husband he needs to keep a tight rein on his wife - and why.

WH didn't get off easy either. I still check up on him (see my thread in general) and I still bring up his affair and tell him who I feel he can be friends with. Its been 12 years. I'm not so bad with him now but after the last issue lately, I'm probably going to amp up my checking on him. Just to keep him on his toes.

I would not have a revenge affair because I felt that would put me on her level - and I'm way better than her.

Plus, I think the fact that we are so hurt, sometimes to the point of being embarrassed of our bodies, feeling like we were not pretty enough, sexy enough, adventurous enough that we are afraid to put ourselves out there for someone new to possibly ridicule.....

at least I was feeling that way a bit.

Mamadragon, I absolutely love how you handled everything. You got your revenge in a classy way, but still managed to blow up both their worlds.

Oh I got revenge on both their asses!

I divorced my WS. She is now living alone living off her settlement and its going fast. Even though she didn't work (and still doesn't) during our marriage, I didn't have to pay her alimony since she had an affair. DD and her family are discussed with her.

Then I sued the AP for Alienation of Affection and won! Got to love the state of North Carolina...lol All of their shenanigans is now public records for all to see. The AP's family is also totally discussed with him as well

For me, the best revenge is living well. All a revenge affair would do is make me no better than him. No way was I going to concede the moral high ground.

North Carolina is awesome! I feel like no fault states really screw over betrayed wives/ husbands.

I have gotten revenge in some small ways, not by cheating, but by making him think I might be. Like going out with my friends after catching him in lies, so he's at home with the kids sweating it out wondering what I'm doing and when I'll be home. I did that a couple times, and both times he became super clingy right after. Both times I pretty much just sat at my friends house venting about him, but I sure as hell didn't let him know that. I got dressed up to look as hot as possible, and then he got the cold shoulder when I got home. I refuse to stoop so low by cheating. I made vows, and I'll honor them for myself and my own dignity, not for him.

Got to love the state of North Carolina..

Yep. My fch was living in VA at the time, as was the MOW. I was living in NC, which was our state of record. I looked into using her for alienation of affection. I wish I could have.

I did get revenge and it’s been DELICIOUS.

I divorced his ass and I’m living my best life without him.

I could never break my wedding vows. It’s not me. I couldn’t do it. Although revenge was not motivation for my actions, in hindsight I believe I had my revenge. On DDay when she confessed to her ONS, I kicked her out the next day and we separated. Three weeks later I filed for D. I ghosted her. This was 1978 before cell phones, email and social media. I moved on with my life. I worked, went to grad school and lived my life going out and having fun. I did not sit home and mope. I volunteered at a Boys and Girls Club. I joined a running club. I went out on the weekends, socialized, and got out and made new friends. Drove. Her. Crazy. After five months separation with no contact, she tracked me down and swallowed her pride and pleaded for a chance to save the M. Moving forward the dynamic in our relationship was forever changed.

I’m 5 years out and I still struggle with it. I want him to feel it too. There is also the unfairness if it all that I want evened out.

I remind myself that my integrity is the most important thing to me and that I won’t compromise it to get back at him. It isn’t worth it. How I feel about myself if more important than how anyone else feels about me and certainly more important than lowering myself to his level.

All that and I still find myself struggling with it.

I struggled with this immensely. Sometimes it still hits from time to time but subsides a lot quicker than it used to. In the very beginning I sought a revenge affair and became extremely violent. I had to realize that if I had indeed pursued a revenge affair I would have been doing myself a disservice as it would not have been ‘fun’ or in my best interest. Instead I would have felt disgusted with myself for it...so I had to once again take the high road and love myself more through these thoughts of revenge.

As for the violence, after beating both of them and having it out more after that with my WS, I had to really sit with myself in a moment of clarity. I know for a fact I do not want to become an abuser yet after this it was insanely easy for me to want to slip into a physical rage. I am now in boxing and try to sit through the anger. If I sit with it long enough it’ll transition into the pain that it actually is and I’ll allow myself to cry. The main struggle now is my mouth, ugh...the words that come out are vicious. I’m trying to make sure that all that effort I put into not being physical is also put into not allowing the anger to come through my words too. It’s a lot. But doable with consistency and healing.

[This message edited by maise at 8:39 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

How do you rise above and still honor your vows after the BS shit all over them?

Honestly? I focus on me and my kids. I try to do the right thing and I try to teach them to do the right thing.

Sometimes, I do the wrong thing. I try to analyze what I did and why I did it... and then I try not to do it again.

As far as revenge, my STBXWW is a colossal narcissist and it freaking bugs the shit out of her that I have moved on.