Hi LN
Hugs ((((())))))) Trust me, I know that feeling of just wanting to go back in time and none of this happened, I all us BS's do or at least most.
You are still in the shock phase and your emotions are all over the place, that is completely normal 
On top of the shock, you are dealing with fear, pain, self blame, hurt, anger etc Believe me when I say of course your head is going to be up your ass right now, you are in panic and survival mode.
Can you go out with a friend or invite one over, just to give you a little break from the mind overdrive? I honestly think that she is trying to call the shots again to regain control of you, hence her throwing doubt at you regarding when and if she is prepared to talk. Once again, she is being very manipulative, she is fully aware that all she has to do is snap her fingers and you will be putty in her hands. In effect, she is letting you 'think' and withdrawing from you so that you are completely desperate to have her back and as such will forgive her completely when SHE decides to return, on HER terms.
Please trust and believe me when I say to you this: I don't think she has any intentions of leaving you, she will return in her own good time when she deems that you are sorry and vulnerable enough to suit her. She is emotionally abusing you, secure in the deep love you have for her, that is so very cruel, I understand I was there too with my ex. I can almost feel your pain and desperation, it is heartbreaking to witness 
You know, when I first came here within days of him leaving, I was where you are. I read the advice given to me and admit that it was painful and overwhelming at times. I was so very desperate for the horrendous pain to stop, sadly looking back, I admit to feeling suicidal at times, I could not cope. I would have crawled the length of the country on my hands and knees if I thought it would make him come back and everything be ok again. So honestly, I do know how you are feeling, most of us here do. People are feeling your pain and trying to help, I am sure your situation and palpable pain have touched the hearts of so many here and I for one hold up my hand to having been somewhat triggered by your heart wrenching posts and shed a little tear. I am feeling for you and so wish I had a magic wand to take your pain away, but I don't. All I can do is offer you support and share the amazing advice given to me here, which helped me through those darkest of days. My son is almost the same age that you were when you took on your SO and her son, she (SO) needs to thank her lucky stars that I am not her mother in law!!! because as I think you guys say over the pond there, her ass would be grass!
Look, you do not have to act on all the advice given here at this time, or ever if that is your wish. But try to implement the basics at least, I set myself goals which initially were as simple as get through the next hour, make some toast and have a quick shower. I was not eating, I was drinking wine to numb the pain and sleep, I stunk like a skunk because I could not even motivate myself to shower and I spent most of my days in bed sobbing and bargaining with God. I was a holy mess! I cried so hard that I would throw up and howled like a tortured animal, it was pitiful and I see that in you.
The good thing was though that I was reading SI almost constantly and I realised that I had to take some action, however small or I would wind up in hospital or dead. I prayed and prayed and prayed to God for some help. It was then that I read a reply from an SI angel (as I call members here haha) that person said words to the effect of, 'right enough, nobody is expecting you to get right up and start making major decisions, or to be strong, what I want you to do is take one hour at a time. At 3pm focus on getting to 4pm, but do you small thing to help yourself' That kick started my recovery! One hour I would manage to eat a slice of toast, a tiny step, but a forward step nonetheless. From 4-5pm I would clean my teeth, from 6-7 I watched a funny youtube video etc etc. By setting myself these goals and watching the clock, the evening set in before I knew it. If I achieved all my goals, I would reward myself with 2 glasses of wine and one moaning phonecall to a friend. I subscribed to Netflix and began watching a movie a night in bed. Often I would fall asleep exhausted from stress and crying, if only for 2-3 hours. As the days went by I changed the hour to 2 hours and set 2 small goals, until after a two weeks, I had quit stinking (eek) was keeping small meals down and had stopped vomiting. All I am suggesting you do right now is try that, baby steps and realistic, achievable goals. Now comes the most important part and I know you won't like this, but you MUST, MUST, MUST go NC with her. I cannot stress this enough. I promise you, it does not push a WS away, quite the opposite, it makes THEM start to experience a little doubt and fear. That is when they become the one's to start to wonder what you are doing, try to figure out what is going on in your mind. It may not happen quickly, but if you stick with it, it will. By adopting this 'small goal' and NC you are achieving 2 things, firstly you are taking the first steps towards becoming stronger and secondly, you are sending out a clear message that you are NOT completely dependent on WS and that her behaviour is completely unacceptable. I can't tell you how long it will take for your SO to do an about turn, it varies, mine took 14 months, but I have read here of other WS's reacting very quickly. Try not to make her feeling genuine remorse and wanting back in, your goal. Make this about you, the rest will follow in time. Soak up all support from family, friends and loved ones, you are a lovely, kind man and they will want to help.
If you truly want to save this relationship, you MUST temporarily detach from her. If you take her back now, there will be more of this hurt and pain ahead, this will result in you becoming more and more broken. Please summon up all your strength and send her a text (DO NOT ring her, it will be more difficult to see it through) tell her that right now you need time and space to consider your future and to heal. Believe me, she is not going to like it and will possibly react in one of two ways. She will either panic and fling you some breadcrumbs, or she will play the smart ass and give it the 'fine whatever' Do NOT respond if she texts back, in fact block her number as soon as you have sent the text. You need to protect yourself from further pain and she is the current source of all your pain.
I started this reply by saying that I think she will try to make moves to come back, but not until she has a genuine fear that she has lost you. Turn the tables on her and regain control, you have to play this like a game of chess, strategically, without emotion and by calculating not only your next move, but hers too.
It is no coincidence that all members here have advised you to go NC. No one wants to see you crash and burn or to ruin any chance of reconciliation down the line. They and I are giving you this advice in order to help you get stronger and to salvage your relationship if that is possible. Members here have either been there done that, or have read about such an abundance of similar situations from other posters, that they are totally clued up on the consequences and outcomes of situations like yours. They are forewarning and forearming you because they care, everyone is sharing their collective experiences and wisdom in order to help you avoid the pitfalls and increase the potential for a positive outcome, both in terms of your wellbeing and your relationship.
If you only take one step today, please send that text re NC! We are all here encouraging you and for support. Do it please, then come right back here to talk and use that support.
You can do this, you are in my thoughts
BD x
