SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LN, you deserve soooooo much more. Your WGF is a disturbed person. You are so enmeshed right now you can't see it, but we can.

Please, please, get some individual counseling. You could start with your PCP and getting tested for STDs. Don't worry about falling apart there. Most of us have BTDT. PCPs have seen and heard it all.

Also, I would encourage you to read up - or read again - on the 180. The 180 is for YOU to detach and get some clarity.

I mean I can't prove the orgies or the 3rd 4th etc etc guys I just found stuff that highly suggests it. I'm sure if it were real that's probably to much for her to admit even though she now wants to come clean on the original OM stuff.

We'll see how today goes.

Hi LN

I am glad you are feeling better, but be careful. I personally do not think she is ready to come clean about anything yet, she wants to drip feed you enough to pacify you. Be vigilant and honestly, stop communicating with her, she has done nothing to show any real remorse. What she is doing is damage limitation, trying to regain her footing and control.

Good luck, keep us posted

BD x

LN - I'm swinging a 2x4 here.

STOP communicating w/ her. She is abusing you and manipulating you.

Remember how strong you felt early yesterday, and then the wheels fell off when you talked to her? ? ?

This is why the 180 is so important for BS's.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if she screwed one man or 30. She is a broken person who has shown ZERO responsibility for her actions, and until she does, through action, you shouldn't be talking to her. PERIOD.

Tushnurse,

Is her wanting to come sit down and have this conversation and come clean not an action?

Like what actions specifically are you talking about?

[This message edited by LateNght at 12:49 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

Please do not try to fix things with this woman. Move on. If she has cheated on you 3 or 4 times, why do you care if she is truthful.

Please, please think more of yourself than this current relationship.

Her coming over to "come clean" is a tactic to give you just enough hope to stay engaged.

Actions:

She gets herself into IC.

She writes you a complete timeline of all her infidelities.

She comes clean to the spouses of the men she cheated with

She takes a full STD test, and make an appt for a follow up test in 6 months.

She offers to take a polygraph

She respects your wish to establish NC and gets a new job

Right now she is just manipulating w/ words.

Is it possible that her “coming clean” in person to you is just another facet of her sadistic fantasies about humiliating you?

Watch her face as she confesses. Is it turning her on to humiliate you and cause you anguish?

[This message edited by Odonna at 2:28 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

I cannot approve of R talk in a relationship with a SA like this.

OP, you are so young. You have very little experience of life beyond your cheating spouse. Please seek IC and get some perspective. We all need to grow throughout our lives, it's okay where your are, but you can get to a better place. Please find your strength.

Just for clarification.

I am just attempting to get you LN to establish NC. You have to get distance from your abuser before you can even start to think clearly.

I am in NO way condoning the possiblity of R'ing with a person that has abused another as she has.

Hey Late Night-

I may have missed it but what did you find on her burner phone?

And maybe next time she or her family says that YOU messed up her career, explain that fucking the boss has consequences and not all of them involving a new office and pay raise.

Seriously do a 180 with her, she may decide that life is better with you or not. But try not to shut out the kid.

You will survive this infidelity, but 50/50 chance without her.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:08 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

I am afraid I am with tush nurse on this LN

"Is her wanting to come sit down and have this conversation and come clean not an action?"

Yes it is, but it is a self serving one as judging by her behaviour since the affair was outed, she is not yet sorry or putting you first. You don't go from hurling nasty insults at someone and threatening to ring the police on them, to Oh I am so full of remorse, within a few days. She left with her enabling parents, probably under duress and has not shown one bit of genuine consideration for what she has put you through. Even her family are focused solely on how wrong you are to have told her work about the affair. What about YOU???? Everybody seems to be rallying round the lying cheat here, poor her.

Let me ask you, has she left her job yet? Has she come clean to her parents? Has she written him a letter or email and sent it in front of you demanding that he never contact her again and how she bitterly regrets her actions?

Look i don't want to be harsh, nor does anyone else here, but we can all see that you are setting yourself up for more hurt and pain.

I cannot stress enough how much you need to adopt the 180 now and NC with her. Do not be afraid that it will chase her away, quite the opposite, she might actually gain some respect for you and for the first time think that she may have lost a good man.

Aggreeing to reconciliation is a gift, a precious one, do not give it away lightly. You are in danger of being blinded by love and fear of losing her. Imo she comes nowhere near deserving you, but that is your choice and I respect that. But please do not under value yourself and compromise what you deserve, simply to cling on to a woman who has disrespected you so badly.

So many of us here have been treated badly and suffered the same pain that you are, we are here to help not judge. If you want to accept her right back regardless of what she has done as I suspect you do, then say so. We may not agree, but will always support you in your decision. Don't write what you think people want to hear, write from your heart, so at least we are able to offer advice based on your choices.

Good luck

BD

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 2:01 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

Please research codependency to learn about your attraction to her, and maybe read about narcissists to understand their vast need for validation from many sources. You are in an abusive relationship. Her abuse is emotional as she plans to tell you nice things when necessary and then continue to see other guys behind your back. My abusers "came clean" over and over, and it was all lies, manipulations, and distortions. They loved how I worshipped them, and that's what your gf loves. That is why she partook in the silly sex game. She is orgasmic at her power to make you beg and beg for more of her. I feel nauseous even writing that.

Please, please help yourself.

LN What honestly are you trying to save here? This is a person that gets her rocks off by knowingly putting you through pain. Now she extending the "fantasy high" by stringing this out as long as possible.

There is name for people that derive pleasure from hurting others. It looks like a duck, it walks like a duck it is probably a duck.

You are never going to save someone that doesn't want to be saved. Talking to her is just keeping on standby where she get the thrill of all these men wanting her.

Yes, she might regret cheating on your one day, but that might not be for years or decades even.

Do you really want to waste that much of your life on someone who enjoys making you miserable ? Do you ?

Look man you are obviously beyond co-dependent and you need help working through that but right now you do need to walk away from her. Still talking to her is just prolonging the inevitable pain. Nothing is going to change the past.

You are way too close to everything and you can't see the big picture right now. Your SO is loving the drama, the ego kibbles and feeling like the center of many people's universes.

The only way you win at this game is by not playing. Only way. No other direction that doesn't prolong, and likely add to, more pain.

Please, please, please get yourself to see an IC immediately.

While she said she needs time to figure this out the underlying part of that she is not saying is "because I know you will be waiting here for me." This chick has no respect for you and will only serve to hurt you more than she already has done. She needs help, but no one can make her do that. Only when she hits rock bottom is she going to be motivated to get that help.

Your are not a back up option you are the prize. Start acting like it, today.

That right there above! from numb & dumb!

LN I know you are hurt and desperate to have her back whatever she has done. Nobody wants to feel loss and pain, it is a human reaction to try and heal that pain, I get that truly I do.

But you have to listen here. Your SO has not just had a brief affair for which she is remorseful (she isn't) She is into highly erotic sex, wild fantasies and and gets turned on by cheating. That in itself is a warning sign! Either you caught her or she takes great pleasure in telling you how all these men want her, I suspect the second option. What kind of LTP and mother indulges in this kind of behaviour behind her partners back? She is obviously giving off signs like a dog on heat does, for all these men to be trying to sniff round her. I also do not believe for one moment that the first time she cheated was 2 months ago when you caught her.

Get yourself away from her, she is vile and a manipulative woman! I make no excuses it is true. This is not just an affair, this is a lifestyle that she is indulging in.

I think it speaks volumes that you were prepared to indulge her fantasies, but it seems no part of it was for your gratification, all you do is describe how turned on she was. You say she put your dick in a cage and ball gagged you, that tells me that you had those sex toys already. She didn't just pull them out of her pocket as a surprise for you! This kind of contradicts what you are saying about how taken aback you were by this sudden fantasy of hers!

I wish you well, but I am going to back out of this thread now as I detect dishonesty and the fact you went into such graphic detail about what she did to you, is ringing all my alarms.

There are beautiful, good hearted people here who have set aside their own pain to try and help you. I am suspicious of your deranged fifty shades of Grey tale, so I will remove myself.

If you are genuine, best wishes

Not a fool BD

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 4:18 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

BD

That story was hard to share. I'm sorry if you think I'm making anything up I'm not. I just wanted to clarify some things.

I said we played around with everything before except 2 of the items. I'm not going to relist the stuff here as I was informed it can trigger some members.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful towards anyone.

I also didnt say I was taken aback by it. I said I did what I thought at the time she needed, I thought embracing it was the right thing to do. And then in hindsight realized that was a huge mistake bc even tho we agreed it was a fantasy that stayed in our bedroom it was very real to her. Or at least I feel like that was the turning point where she went all in on her decisions to continue but also feel zero remorse.

I also said that we didnt just jump right into that after the original talk about the affair. It was mentioned, and then during the days that followed as we touched on points of the long discussion from DDay it came up again and I felt like I could give her that so we went and bought a couple of then items and came home and did it.

I really do feel like it was the biggest mistake I've made in the entire relationship and I wish I could go back and handle that differently.

Like I dont even want to think about it

Today, we did not meet up and talk.

She said maybe tomorrow. Or next weekend.

I have no idea what shes doing.

Yes I'm probably codependent af.

I hate that I am.

My heart longs for my relationship and life to go back to before all of this happened.

Almost wish I would have never even found out.

I know I need to move on.

Just struggling to do so.

I think the truth from her mouth would help.

Will I get that? I dont know. I'm hoping I do. But idk. In the meantime I'm still ping ponging.

I did sign up for online therapy though. No video chats but I got the text option.

[This message edited by LateNght at 6:57 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

Also I apologize for being so detailed I just needed to get it out!!!

its replayed in my mind so many times since it happened i can't even count and I feel like it was the defining moment of no return

[This message edited by LateNght at 7:05 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

LateNight:

You were man enough that she wanted to marry you.

You must have a lot going for you to attract a beautiful woman like her.

So, stop thinking that its her or nothing. You can live a life that you will love without the crap that she has put you through.

You will never forget the things she has done. She isn't even remorseful.

I was betrayed and thought I would die. I dumped her and never spoke to her again. A month later, I met the love of my life. Gorgeous, sweet, honest, a great mother, wife, & lover.

Thats what you can have. Leave her with her fantasies.

LN,

What is going on that is so important that she won’t meet with you?

LN,

What is going on that is so important that she won’t meet with you?

Nothing. She's doing it to disrespect him.