SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sorry, I kind of forgot about this thread again. I appreciate everybody who weighed in even after I forgot. I am extremely humbled that people even give a shit enough to discuss my problems with me. Thank you all! A

I actually have spent most of this summer just kind of laying low, focusing on work and my kids. Haven't been out partying or anything in a couple months. I was starting to feel out of control. While I don't feel like my relationship is any different with my wife, I do feel like I've worked through some stuff in the last few months. I was starting to spiral for awhile there. Addicted to the attention of women. Addicted to aimless flirting and limerence. When I was young and single I was always more about the chase, and I suppose that's still true. I have barely spoken to anybody of the opposite gender in months (I work with 95% men). I'm trying to be more mindful of the way I come across.

Now that I think about it, I was close to starting an EA with the girl who inspired the starting of this thread. I was at the top of the water slide... I looked down and said "NOPE!" and backed away. YOU PEOPLE helped me with that, and I am grateful. Just like you all talked me down from going to a strip club on my business trip back in February! Again, a SC is just a way for me to flirt with multiple beautiful young women, I have little interest in watching them dance. So I've diagnosed my problem, that I'm a sucker for flirtation, and I need to work on that. I didn't flirt with a single female for over 10 years since I got with my wife, until the last year.

So anyway, not trying to resurrect an old thread for attention. Just kind of an update, and a thank you to everybody who has helped me.

Fender, I think it's great that you're taking steps to work on your flirtiness and improve yourself. But I highly caution you against thinking that this will solve any of the sex and marriage issues with your WW or using it as a distraction from the real issues.

Wanting sex and intimacy is normal for men and women. There may be many reasons why your WW isn't interested in intimacy with you, ones that may have nothing to do with you, but what matters most is that she acknowledges this problem and works on it not because she isn't satisfied with the status quo. She can feel as happy or okay about it as she wants but it doesn't change that it's a huge problem for you. Potentially a marriage ending problem and definitely a strain considering how you never had these kinds of issues before and now suddenly you have to work on your behavior and boundaries because it's becoming too tempting for you.

She should be doing this for you as a good spouse and certainly as a remorseful WS. This is what building a new marriage looks like - one that is happy and healthy for BOTH spouses. She doesn't get to tell you what is and is not a big deal in this marriage and expect you to eat yet another crap sandwich indefinitely because doing the work would make her uncomfortable. I really hope you drop whatever it is holding you back from blowing this up and making it clear that your marriage will not survive a dead bedroom because you deserve so much better.

Thanks for that. Just for the record, I do not believe any changes I make will have an effect on my wife’s sex drive, or her opinion of me at all. I legitimately believe that ship has sailed. I am getting used to the idea of being in a roommate, platonic marriage for awhile. We haven’t had much sex lately. I do not initiate. I don’t playfully flirt with her. I don’t really think of or look at her in a sexual way anymore.

A couple weeks ago we went to bed, and it was the 1 time of the year she was actually horny and tried to start something up with me. I couldn’t bring myself to give in. I find that if we are celibate that I actually feel like we’re more equals. Like since she’s not providing her vagina to have sex with, I don’t feel like I owe her anything. I don’t have to kiss her ass. I know it isn’t sustainable forever, but for now I just can’t leave this family. I just use porn and my right hand to get me through. The 4 of us are going on a family vacation next week... the kids in the same hotel room should prevent any funny business.

I am just trying to focus on being a better version of myself. Have been working out, playing my guitar a lot more, and really trying to Just be present in my kids lives. Make actual good memories with them.

My WH spent 21 years in the Air Force. I am friendly, outgoing. My hubby was frequently stationed in remote areas with few women around. I was hit on A LOT. I was never tempted to stray and, sometimes, my friendly demeanor, was misinterpreted as my being receptive to being propositioned.

I have firm boundaries in place. I never wanted to be a slut. I’m 52 and came from a generation who frowned upon women having multiple sex partners. I don’t want multiple partners and thought my husband felt similarly.

I wouldn’t tell your wife that you were hit on. Being hit on happens. You didn’t violate your moral compass. Just keep your distance from the one who’s crushing on you.

I'm sorry for you.

I would offer something you might consider explaining to your wife. For a man, feeling desired sexually is important. It's difficult to keep on having sex with a woman where one feels undesired. The repeated cycle of hoping to see even a glimmer of desire, making one's self vulnerable in that way, not finding it, it's a grind to the soul. To be safe from this, a husband in your position needs to disassociate his sexuality from his wife. That way, you avoid the cycle of hope-disappointment-rejection which is so hard. It's actually easier to not have sex than to repeatedly endure that hope-disappointment-rejection cycle.

Thus, when she sporadically attempts to initiate sex, it's actually counter-productive. Her initiating sex is of course the one thing a man wants, probably more than anything. But when you respond to it, you really let your guard down. You feel awash in feelings of being desired. It feels good. You become vulnerable again.

To go from there back to hope-disappointment-rejection, it's really hard. Very much like Charlie Brown and Lucy and the football. You find yourself on your ass on the turf feeling like a rejected fool.

It's an imperfect solution to an unfortunate situation but I understand why you feel this way. I hope you can get yourself to a place where you're ready to let go of the marriage and find someone who loves AND wants you.

I know of a guy on another forum I frequent who has been in this situation for years. He stopped attempting to initiate with his wife and started actively turning her down the few times she tried over a year ago. There's no infidelity in his marriage as far as he's aware BTW. But seeing him so full of resentment and being so miserable is tough. He acknowledges he could do better but his self esteem is so low he believes he deserves to live the rest of his life that way. He's truly given up but I don't think you have so I believe you will get through this even if you're not ready to make changes just yet.

Edit: Just checked back in on him and he's actually be in your situation for over 4 years. No wonder he's a mess!

[This message edited by nekonamida at 8:31 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]