SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am the BH, we're 2.5 years from Dday. R'ing, some days are better than others, rollercoaster, etc etc etc. I've been bitching on here long enough, most of you know my story.

Recently, I was out with a group of friends. My wife was not present, she doesn't normally come out on those sort of outings. A friend of my best friend's wife was there. I've known this girl for about 2 years, I've seen her in various social situations. I don't have her phone #. We aren't connected on any social media. We have never had any contact, other than when we happen to be in the same social situation.

I'm always friendly, like I am to everybody. I never really gave her much thought. She's 11 years younger than me (I am 38). Not bad looking, but nowhere near as attractive as my wife. We were drinking and everybody was having fun. That's when she confessed to having certain "feelings" for me. Says that it's hard to date "boys" her age, knowing that there are men like me out there. I kindly and gently let her down easy, saying I'm married and that's a line I will never cross. I later spoke to my friend's wife about it, and she said "oh yeah, she has a huge crush on you... she talks about it all the time! We've all told her it's not gonna happen."

Here's the dilemma. I enjoy spending time with these friends (not the girl who hit on me, I could take or leave her). My friend has been my best friend since elementary school, we're like brothers. His wife has also become a very close friend to me. I think I made my point clear, so hopefully that friend will back off. Should I tell my W? I don't want her to get pissed every time I want to go visit my friend. I don't want her to worry that I'm going to do something stupid, because I am not. But again, there's the whole honesty and transparency thing. Am I being unfaithful, in a way, by omitting such details? I truly just need some advice, and perspectives. I am in no way interested in anything close to resembling infidelity of any kind.

Disclaimer: I am not some sexy, handsome hunk of a ladies man. I am a friendly guy with an outgoing personality that sometimes people are drawn to. I get the feeling this other girl has been through a lot of bad relationships, and that she has low self esteem. I think I just make her feel good about herself by being kind and friendly.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 6:30 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

Tell her. You would expect the same if you he situation was reversed. It will also let her know what you expect of her.

I'm a BS and we are in R.

I would appreciate hearing from WH if that was happening. I wouldn't like it but I would appreciate the honesty. It is not your fault. Offer your wife to talk to your friend's wife if she needs verification that you are not encouraging her behaviour

Somehow withholding it seems unethical regardless that you are the bs.

[This message edited by Lowlow at 6:41 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

I say just tell her-you're completely innocent so there's nothing to hide.

Bit concerning though that your friend's wife is being so blase about this, it's not as if this girl is a teenager with crush. Do they know about your recovery?

FG,

Yes you should tell your WW, she deserves a small dose of her own medicine, but it's also the right thing to do.

I tell my W when someone hits on or touches me, at first she asked why I told her, but then she reflected on it and said "that's how you keep things from happening". Yea once you lie or omit it allows things to grow in the darkness.

You can also refer women who hit on you to sites like this and suggest they work on their marriage. I've done that a few times.

I'll take the contrary position and say don't tell her. Nothing happened. You did exactly what you promised her you would do. You remained faithful. If there were something to tell, absolutely. If the roles were reversed and that happened to the WS, absolutely. But here? I don't see it. Depending on how your wife is doing with the work of R there's also, IMO, the possibility that she'll react wrong and use it against you or convince herself that maybe you're not being all that faithful and push her back towards the dark side. Probably not likely but possible. I just don't see the upside. If that girl comes on to you again, yeah probably then just to be sure your wife doesn't catch wind of it somewhere else but I have to believe she got the message.

FG,

You wrote, Disclaimer: I am not some sexy, handsome hunk of a ladies man. I am a friendly guy with an outgoing personality that sometimes people are drawn to. I get the feeling this other girl has been through a lot of bad relationships, and that she has low self esteem. I think I just make her feel good about herself by being kind and friendly.

I kinda fit that description as well and I'm surprised by the good looking women who make overtures to me. In my case it's also that I genuinely listen to people and find almost everyone interesting.

Although much is made of women with good men falling for bad boys, it also seems to work in reverse. A plow horse looks good when you are on a psychotic bucking bronco.

I’d tell my husband if something similar happened. First, because it’s a good demonstration of what good boundaries look like. Secondly, transparency. Also, in this new marriage we’ve created, I’d expect it from him.

As a BW, I’d have liked your response to be stronger....less “kindly and gently letting her down” and more “respectfully and firmly shutting it down”. I’d have liked my spouse (whether pre or post affair) to say something more assertive...nip that crush in the bud. Unless she didn’t know you were married but having known her for 2 years, it seems more like she was applying for the position of OW. I’m trying to think of responses more assertive but I’m afraid you might find them unrealistic...

Let me ask you this. If a male in your wife’s social circle tried the same - fishing for the role of OM...what would be the perfect response in your eyes?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:42 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

I’m not sure I could recommend either way.

However it is good to see that your friends know you and have your back...she’s been told so I’m not really sure any action is needed unless she make further overtures.

Yes, you should tell your WW. Wouldn't you want her to do the same?

Also (PLEASE forgive me if I'm confusing you with someone else) weren't you concerned about going out for drinks with coworkers/associates and ending up at a strip club and being tempted to having a ONS?

I think not telling your wife would be unwise. If you have nothing to hide, telling her should be no big deal, right?

I’d have liked your response to be stronger....less “kindly and gently letting her down” and more “respectfully and firmly shutting it down”.

I agree, and I'll add that I think respectful firmness may even be kinder than gentleness in the long run. This girl has been told by multiple people that her crush on you is a nonstarter, so often that it's general knowledge in your circle, but she still made the pitch. That's not just someone sending out a casual feeler for a hookup; it sounds more like a disclosure to a limerent object (LO). If you aren't familiar with limerence, I suggest a quick Google search. Limerent people will see encouragement in the slightest action by their LO. My concern is that the next time you see her, you'll be trying to project "let's just put that awkward moment behind us" friendliness, and she'll see "he still likes me, I still have a shot here" encouragement. So while I'm not implying in any way that you are at risk, she may need a hefty dose of cold shoulder to start detaching. Don't feel guilty about it. She knows you're married and that she was out of line.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:19 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

I'm not going to say you need to. If I told my W about every female that hit on me, we would literally talk about hardly anything else. If someone gets persistent with me, I let her know and vice versa.

Then again, we aren't in R. Idk, I say just go with what your gut tells you to do.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:43 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

"If I told my W about every female that hit on me, we would literally talk about hardly anything else."

oh this is golden.

I'll take the contrary position and say don't tell her. Nothing happened. You did exactly what you promised her you would do. You remained faithful. If there were something to tell, absolutely....Depending on how your wife is doing with the work of R there's also, IMO, the possibility that she'll react wrong and use it against you or convince herself that maybe you're not being all that faithful and push her back towards the dark side. Probably not likely but possible. I just don't see the upside.

Interesting that this specific advice comes from a wayward who describes himself as a "former wayward". Countless threads on SI discuss how this sort of casual dishonesty -- lying by omission -- is often the first step down the slippery slope.

I'm not suggesting that Fenderguy is himself stepping over the edge of the slippery slope, though we do know that thoughts of RA have been in his head for some time, and we also know that this is on his mind enough to post here with questions about it.

I agree that, for a functioning couple without infidelity in their mix, it would not be normal for a spouse to discuss every instance where a member of the opposite sex indicated interest. Infidelity changes that dynamic, both for the WS and the BS.

My thought would be to tell the WW about it. However, I think context, or in this case, preface, is everything. The reason for telling isn't to scare her, or shame her. It is because (a) it is the sort of honesty Fenderguy expects from his WW, and (b) Fenderguy himself is not 100% healed, and therefore this type of overture has an unsettling impact on his inner balance.

There is also the question about why this is in Fender's mind. He has indicated many times a sense of dissatisfaction with his WW in terms of feeling that she does not desire him sexually. It feels good to be desired.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:05 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

at first she asked why I told her, but then she reflected on it and said "that's how you keep things from happening". Yea once you lie or omit it allows things to grow in the darkness.

This.

Telling them shows the WS/WW how works a healthy M. And that the same thing is what you expect from them.

"the possibility that she'll react wrong and use it against you or convince herself that maybe you're not being all that faithful and push her back towards the dark side. Probably not likely but possible"

this is controlling another person. Lay your cards on the table, walk away. How they react is on them and may point to some sort of work within themselves they need to do. Whether or not they do it also proves a point.

I think you need to tell your wife. If this happened to her, I imagine that you would want her to tell you. So you need to have the same expectations of yourself.

Also, I would probably ask my friends not to include this person when you will be joining them. Simply tell them it’s not comfortable for me and I would appreciate it if you don’t invite us to the same event . I think that would be wise.At least for the next little while.

I echo everything that Butforthegrace said and suggested.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can say what I would do and have done. I ALWAYS tell my WH of any male attention that is a threat or could be perceived threat to the marriage. I have always done so, transparency is always the best policy in my opinion.

I don't ask more of my spouse than I am willing to give.

"If I told my W about every female that hit on me, we would literally talk about hardly anything else."

oh this is golden.

/queue rim shot/

I guess that came off like I'm bragging. I'm not. It's embarrassing. I work for a HUGE grocery store as the overnight manager. I'm the one that everyone likes over the other mgrs. I'm nice, friendly. I make a point of speaking to every employee that works during my hours of 845pm-715am. I try to make them not dread coming to work. And i'm considered the funny guy at work as well.

Bc of all that, many of the younger females here get crushes on me. My wife knows, and she gets it as she used to work here many years before i knew her and she admits to having a crush on the cool mgr that was here back then.

Before this i worked at a call center as a supervisor. And before that at a hospital. Same thing happened to me at both places

I recently read an article of the 3 highest cheating rates at workplaces being:

Call centers, hospitals, grocery stores.

Lol