SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 26, my fiancé is 25. Her and a bunch of friends went to Las Vegas for her bachelorette party. Long story short, her and a friend hooked up with this guy one night. Her friend was in a relationship too and came clean to her boyfriend, and he told me, which is the only reason I know, my fiance never said anything. She claims all she did is give the guy a blowjob but I spoke to her friend and she said they both had sex with the guy too. I'm in shock, I'm feeling sadness and rage at the same time. I can't believe how she could be so damn stupid and irresponsible. I don't know what to do. As of right now I'm not speaking to her, just trying to get my head straight and really think about the future.

You should feel grateful that you learned this about her true nature and quality as a spouse before you took the step of getting married.

Sorry to hear this. Vegas is the wrong place to go to party away from your partner... what were they thinking? Maybe they weren't.

A lot of people here will tell you to walk away now while you easily can, if no children are involved. It is a sign that, if she would do this just before the wedding when excitement and passion should be at its highest, what will she do 10 years down the road?

That line of thinking is worth exploring. Now is the easiest time to cut and run. I think it comes down to her reaction. Is she showing signs of remorse?

In your favor is that this was a ONS, probably drunken. I think it can be overcome if she reacts with true remorse and you decide you will work to forgive her. Of course its your call. If you decide to stick with her, do not rugsweep! Look in the library at the 180 and other tools. Hold her accountable and make sure she makes significant effort to make herself safe for you and your coming marriage. Get serious with her so she understands just how much this hurt you and that it puts the entire relationship at risk.

People can overcome this if both people do the right work--- particularly the WS. Rugsweeping will come back to bite you though, sooner or later. You will harbor resentment and she will get the wrong message.

Either way-- cut and run or give her a chance to prove herself, take care of yourself.

Delay the wedding or cancel it while you figure out what you want to do. Personally, I would advise to walk away from her and don't look back. You are young. Mourn, heal, learn, get some IC for yourself. Take some time.

She didn't disclose. Then it was minimization - only a BJ. It's still another mans cock in her mouth. The truth was she had sex with him along with her friend. Perhaps she would have disclosed but when. After you were married? Years down the road when kids, mortgages, etc. intertwine your life?

Your marriage could well be tainted going into it with this black mark. Do you want to have that black mark lurking in the background? The choice is yours to make. Take your time making it. I'm so sorry this happened to you at what you were expecting to be the best part, the highlight, of your life so far.

(((HUGS)))

I am so sorry to see you are here...especially at what should be one of the HAPPIEST moments in your life .

People on here have said that MAYBE a drunken one night stand could be understandable...but the fact that your fiance LIED by omission...then probably LIED about the extent of the one night stand makes this WAY worse. Starting off your marriage with LIES and SECRETS between you isn't a good start at all .

Most people on here will tell you to RUN...and don't look back. But YOU are the only one who can decide what YOU want Dear Sir. I can only tell you my experience. When I was 21...my fiance had moved to my hometown after finding a job there. We had decided we were going to live there after we were married. I had found a new job also...but was staying at my old job for a few weeks longer than him...so I would go and meet him on the weekends...then go back to where I worked for the rest of the week until my final day at that job.

I had LOTS of relatives in my hometown...my fiance had not met all of them. One of my cousins...after I introduced her to my fiance...pulled me aside and told me that he had tried to hit on her a few weeks earlier . When I ANGRILY confronted him about it...for the first time ever...he backhanded me across my face . You would think that would have been enough for me...but I was IN LOVE ...so when he PLEADED with me to give him a chance...and since the wedding was so close...I decided to try. THREE MONTHS after our wedding I found out he was seeing another woman . I took my vows seriously...and I KNEW that MY LOVE would win him over . I did that "pick me dance" like a pro...and I WON...he came back to me. Only...almost two years later I caught him with another woman . By this time though...we had a child. I learned my lesson at this point...and divorced him. The RELIEF I felt by getting OUT of infidelity told me that my decision was the right one for me .

You KNOW now what your fiance is capable of Dear Sir. Knowledge is POWER . This IS a turning point...for both of you. Your fiance MIGHT be so disgusted with herself that she will NEVER stray again. Or...like my 1st H...she may feel you LOVE her too much to ever leave...and she will continue to do whatever she wants.

Another thing most people on here realize...it is NOT the affair itself that ends the relationship...it is the LIES . It sounds as if your fiance could compartmentalize her ONS very easily...which is scary. Do YOU believe that your fiance lied to you about the sex acts once confronted? Have you caught her in other lies before? IF you have seen a pattern of her lying...then you may have just dodged a HUGE bullet Dear Sir. One day...if you decide to end it...you may see...as I did...that heartaches from a broken relationship can truly turn into Blessings .

BTW...the story I told...happened to me over 37 years ago. It was a hard lesson learned...but it made me STRONGER . When I was put in infidelity HELL by my 2nd H...after 28 years of marriage...I handled things quite differently!!! You WILL recover...and you WILL be able to lead a very fulfilling life .

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are now a member of this club no one wants to join.

My advice to you is cancel the wedding.

Your fiancé cheated, she failed to inform you, you found out, then she minimized her actions.

This is no way to start a marriage.

It takes 2-5 years to work through this sh*t. It's an emotional roller coaster from hell, and right now you cannot trust her.

Trust is one of the foundations of a marriage, and your foundation is already broken.

My husband's best friend's (I'll call him Bob)fiancé cheated on her last hurrah trip with her girlfriends. Bob married her. About two years later, Bob found out his wife was involved with another man. Don't be Bob. Everything was swept under the rug and excused.

She has shown you who she is, please believe her, you deserve a faithful partner.

Get yourself into a good counselor's office, and move on with your life.

Edited to add: I just noticed you joined 6 months ago, is there a reason you waited so long to post? We are here for you. Hang in there, it does get better.

[This message edited by annb at 6:03 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

She didn't "minimize" her actions......she LIED to you!!

This even after her friend came clean.

The foundation of a marriage (or any lasting relationship) is trust. You haven't even married her and she's already looking you in the eyes and lying to you. Until you actually go through and take the next step with the marriage the time you were dating her and being engaged to her was a trial to see if she was truly a worthy partner to marry. She FAILED the test.

Yes it's your decision on what to do, but you came here seeking opinions and mine is to thank God you found this out now instead of down the line when it would have been way tougher to kick her to the curb.

All those friends of hers at the Bachelorette party knew she was with this guy as well and she showed all of them how much she valued you.

Sorry you're here master.

Edit: spelling

[This message edited by Booyah at 6:28 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

ok, got it. it was just a blow job.

end the M, right now. you're crazy if you go further. otherwise it'll be, oh i just gave two guys blow jobs and some other guy banged me from behind while i was doing that.

mastersofwar3

You might consider reading CantBeMe123 thread. While he found out years later his W cheated before they were married. You might find some information that would be beneficial for your situation.

I'm very sorry MOW3.

I strongly agree with those who say you should not marry this woman and, though it's of course hard to appreciate now, be grateful you found out that your fiance is a liar and cheater now before you get married, before you have kids, before you are financially intertwined.

Is it possible that what she did was just an aberration and not indicative of her character? Anything is possible, but it's not likely. But the big question is: do you want to spend years finding out?

FWIW, my then fiance kissed another guy at a party one night and I swept it under the rug. 11 years later I found out she was a cheater - that was 2 kids later and the sh*tstorm ensued. I wish someone had advised me to cancel the wedding back then.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Wow! You just dodged a bullet!

I am sorry you are her MOW3.

The time right before the wedding your fiancée should be so invested in the relationship that another man shouldn’t register with her. She isn’t feeling that level of love and commitment.

She lied, to your face. Minimized the encounter and hoped to get away with it. How does she expect you to believe everything she says in the future at face value? The lingering doubt, the worry when she goes out of town will poison your relationship.

You deserve more, you deserve better.

Also sorry to hear you have a reason to be here. I agree with the other poster suggesting you read Cantbeme123 ‘s thread.

There was another man posting here within the past year or two and his fiancée also cheated shortly before the wedding. His name escapes me though. Perhaps another poster with a better memory will be able to add it.

However you choose to do it, good luck getting out of infidelity.

To me this falls under run - do not walk - away.

Also - you both need to get tested for STDs STAT. And...she may want to get a pregnancy test as well.

Also think about DNA testing, if she got pregnant you will have to prove the baby is not yours.

To keep you from being stuck with 18 - 22 years of child support

What advice would you give to your best friend, to your brother, to your sister, if they were in a situation like this? Most of the posters suggest you should run, because you are too young to be dealing with infidelity BEFORE the marriage, this period should be all about being in love, mouths full of loving words for each other, not some other men's cocks.

I hope you will find the strength and leave her.

Ask yourself why shouldn't you run. You are young, so you can run really fast.

She knew she was wrong and tried to hide it. Her friend is remorseful and came clean. When confronted she lied thinking that a blowjob is less than full blown sex. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would suggest sitting down with her and spelling out your feelings and what you want moving forward. Do you want this marriage? With her? If you do, then delay the wedding so you two can work through this. This will also help you to see if it is a deal breaker for you. But you have to take care of yourself and start to heal. What does that mean for you? What will she have to do to make healing and becoming a safe partner happen? But if it is a deal breaker. No pretenses, end the relationship and work on healing from this.

Your wayward girlfriend lacks sufficient character and integrity to enter into a marital relationship. You do not need such deplorable behavior in your life .....ever.

survrus makes an excellent point. IF she is pregnant - get a DNA test. At the earliest point it can be done.

I think you should borrow a verse from the song you named yourself after and tell your fiance:

You've thrown the worst fear

That runs in your veins

Then let the door go ahead and hit her in the ass on her way OUT.