SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

UPDATE TO SITUATION BELOW...

My wife and I have been married 22 years. Marriage has been great up until just a few years ago. I began to be less attentive to her and basically started taking her for granted. Rarely showing much affection or complimenting her like I used to. I think the biggest thing was the fact I started sleeping in the other room at night because I would snore and that would bother her and me since she would wake me up and I'm a light sleeper. She started taking online classes and became really good friends with a colleague in her group. After about 4 months of texting and talking on the phone, she eventually told me, as she was crying, that she had fallen in love with him. Initially I thought she was reading more into it then was there which was definitely the wrong reaction. Right then and there I should have told her how much I loved her and want to address any issues that we have. But instead I didn't react too much which really surprised her. As a little more time went by I realized how serious it was and how important she was to me. Unfortunately, it was too late because now she wanted a divorce. This guy is married too but separated for 6 years with kids and he was talking about divorcing and marrying her. Neither one has met one another in person because they live 1000 miles apart. That's the part I don't get. Also, my wife has admitted she isn't that attracted to him physically, like me, but that he mended her broken heart and so she gave her heart to him. This doesn't make much sense to me, but that's where I'm at. So now we have started the divorce process and they still haven't met AND he still hasn't started his divorce process. So now I'm wondering if he is just playing her or something. I told her that I know I can win her back if she just gives me some time to heal our relationship, but she doesn't give me any quality time with her. She is always talking or texting him. It's almost like an addiction. She also was afraid that I might be right and I might win her heart back and she doesn't want to risk that hurt again. The other odd thing was she continued to sleep with me during this and she told me that we had the best sex of our entire marriage. This really played with my head, so I eventually stopped sleeping with her and also eventually moved out because I couldn't take all the I love you I miss you chatter 24/7 between those two. Totally disrespectful and very uncharacteristic of her.I still love her and I want her back. I'm just not sure how to try. She did tell me after all this started that she would cry herself to sleep every night and was lonely and scared because she slept alone every night because I slept in the other bedroom. Had I known she was going through that I would have never allowed it to happen. She didn't tell me this until after the fact. I feel so bad now knowing she went through that.

UPDATE:

I moved back in with my wife a few days ago so we could save money until the divorce was over by not having to pay for two places. The plan was for me to stay in the extra bedroom, but the new bed doesn't arrive for a couple more days. So we share a bed. The first night she told me she felt like making love to me and wondered how I felt about it. I told her that she was my wife and that I loved her so what do you think I feel about it. So things happen and it was mutually enjoyable. Next day, her man calls her and tells her he is completely done with the relationship. Says something about it having to do with his daughters mostly. Whatever. I was there during the call. She was devastated. She deleted all contacts with him. It's definitely over. Now the question becomes, "What do I do?" I still love her. I could take time to slowly mend our relationship and see if we can get to where we were we used to be. However, the divorce process is still in effect and she hasn't said anything regarding it, but this break up just happened yesterday so I don't want to say too much until she has had some time. I had planned on moving back to Indiana to be with family and friends and find new employment because the only thing keeping me here in Florida was her. She is from Indiana as well and has family there. She told me that even though I am living with her that I shouldn't stop seeing my girlfriend. I told her I was only interested in one thing...her. Her response, even after this breakup is she can't make any promises. I guess I need to take the next few days and see how things go with this new dynamic. What do you guys think? Run for the hills, try and make it work (this is what I want to do), or its over and can't be repaired.

[This message edited by bvwalker1 at 1:56 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

I'm so sorry for your situation.

It's very late in this part of the world so I will be very short:

It's not your fault! Stop blaming yourself.

She is twisting everything and you are buying it! Please stop.

This is very telling:

She did tell me after all this started that she would cry herself to sleep every night and was lonely and scared because she slept alone every night because I slept in the other bedroom. Had I known she was going through that I would have never allowed it to happen. She didn't tell me this until after the fact. I feel so bad now knowing she went through that.

Of course she didn't, she told you this now just to twist things and to manipulate you to feel bad for her. You say so yourself. It probably isn't true anyways. This really is not OK. Cheating (with some fantasy guy) is completely on her. Please take off your self-blaming goggles and wake up. And don't start with "winning back" activities, known as the infamous "pick-me-dance".

Sorry to be so blunt it just makes me sad reading how sad you are and blaming yourself. Please stop!

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 4:30 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

If she really thinks this guy is separated she is a fool. He's lying.

This guy is married too but separated for 6 years with kids and he was talking about divorcing and marrying her.

Do you have any independent proof that he has been separated for six years? You may find that his wife is totally unaware of that fact, and that he is simply catfishing your wife!

So now we have started the divorce process and they still haven't met AND he still hasn't started his divorce process. So now I'm wondering if he is just playing her or something.

You and anyone else with a brain will be thinking that. Your wife's desperation for it to be a reality is the only thing stopping her from asking the obvious questions.

If you have some information about him, get a private investigator to do some research on him. They can do all kinds of checking online, and give you a clearer picture of his real situation.

Neither one has met one another in person because they live 1000 miles apart.

And yet they know enough about one another to want to get married?

They sound like a pair of immature fantasists whose online bubble will be burst by reality.

You are not to blame here. If your wife felt lonely, she should have told you. She made a conscious choice to tell a stranger a thousand miles away. So who is the victim? Her, or the husband who trusted her, and moved into another room because he was being considerate about his snoring?

...he mended her broken heart and so she gave her heart to him.

...She also was afraid that I might win her heart back and she doesn't want to risk that hurt again.

Why was her heart 'broken'? "Afraid"? Where is the 'hurt' coming from? Every relationship can have 'flat' spots. How many adults try to spin them into 'heartbreak' that justifies a divorce? The reason it makes no sense to you is because it makes no sense. And if it makes no sense, it probably isn't true.

The truth is more likely to be that this guy tried his luck with her, she responded, and now she has to portray herself as the victim because otherwise it makes her the bad guy, and you the victim.

The other odd thing was she continued to sleep with me during this and she told me that we had the best sex of our entire marriage.

So...She gave her poor, frightened, broken heart to an unattractive stranger she barely knows, who thinks it is fine to intrude on other peoples' marriages, yet despite her great love for her white knight, she was happy to cheat on him by having 'great' sex with you?

Seems to me like she is a deluded attention junkie who will do anything for a fix, including playing you off someone who may be leading her down the garden path. He provided the emotional ego kibbles, you provided the sex.

The term for that is 'cake eater', based on the old saying about wanting to have your cake and eat it too.

There is a saying in this forum: to save a marriage, you must be prepared to lose it. Which means no begging, no pleading, no "I can do better". That simply does not work, as you have seen.

Instead, what I would say to you wife would be this:

I am sorry that you feel the way that you do, but I now accept it.

When you leave, you leave for good, and you need to be 100% confident that you can build a new and happy life with that man, because if it does not work out, you will have lost both of us.

Let her mull that over. If attention and having two men fight over her is so rewarding for her, the prospect of losing both may show her the reality of her situation, and bring her to her senses.

And if she goes, the wheels are going to fall off that wagon very, very quickly. So be prepared for her to show up on your doorstep in tears, telling you she has realised she loved you all along.

Call her bluff. It will turn out two ways:

1) She really wants a divorce, in which case nothing you do can change that, and you are better off letting her go than living with her blatant cheating.

2) It is all a ploy to get attention from you, and as the reality of divorce looms, she will waver, and start asking you if you are sure it is what you want (after she initiated it).

The worst thing to do would be to continue to be played off against the other man because she likes having two men chasing her.

What M1965 said. Listen to him.

Totally off the subject. Get tested for sleep apnea. It is one reason people snore. It also disrupts sleep,all night. You might have been “ignoring” her because you are sleep deprived. My husband was tested, wears a sleep device, and his quality of life is so much better.

Good luck with your wife. I hope she realizes she is not living in reality.

She did tell me after all this started that she would cry herself to sleep every night and was lonely and scared because she slept alone every night because I slept in the other bedroom.

We honestly don't have enough eye-roll emojis to express what a pathetically disingenuous blame-shift that is.

Poor little muffin. She just couldn't express how "lonely and scared" she was because there was no one in the same room with her at night. Surely, starting a romantic relationship with a guy who's A THOUSAND MILES AWAY would fix it and make it all better.

The problem we have when we're face to face with our cheater is that too often we project our own emotional responses onto them. We imagine how we'd feel if we did something horrible and were sorry for it. We empathize with them because we love them. We believe they still care because WE still care. It makes it easy for them to convince us that we're the problem. But your snoring (or anything else you did or did not do).. did NOT cause your WW to cheat. Nothing someone else does can make you turn your back on your own value system. No one else can MAKE you into a liar and a cheater.

You didn't do this. She did. She chose it, and she's not sorry for it. Further, her blame-shifting, while typical, isn't even creative. I have to wonder how the dynamic might change if you got a little more stern with her. Maybe put out the ultimatum and mean it.

If she truly hasn't ever met this guy, how does she know he doesn't have halitosis or body odor? Women have a very keen sense of smell when it comes to sexual chemistry. Most of us aren't even aware of it, but biologically, it helps us to choose suitable mates. You've only got her word on it that they've never hooked up. You'd be surprised how much traveling cheaters can get up to.

Have you run a background check on this guy? It's possible that his 6-year separation is bogus and his wife doesn't know what he's up to. Cheaters lie. I think if it were me, I'd find out all I could about him, including whether or not he's got a criminal record, inform his wife of whatever you know, and put out the ultimatum to your WW.. either she knocks of the shit, gets her ass home, and is ready to work on the marriage, or you file. Ultimatums are always a risk, so if you go that route, make sure you mean it. From here though, it doesn't look like you've anything to lose that's not already gone.

I'm sorry this happened to you. :(

ETA: Agreed with Cooley on getting a sleep study. If apnea is the problem, you'll feel better once it's treated.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:21 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

Id bet like most he's married and still together. Inform his wife.

Let your wife go completely.

Stop acting like it's all your fault. Your wife is a very typical cheater. Any excuse will do to justify her unjustifiable actions.

I told her that I know I can win her back if she just gives me some time to heal our relationship,

Don't. Just don't.

Doing the pick-me dance seems the 'right' thing to do, but is the worst thing you could do.... ever.

The Pick-me dance indicates to the WS that the BS is weak, and is willing to be second choice.

The Pick-me dance also serves to erode whatever self-respect a BS has.

If you even want to have a whiff of success at R, then you have to do the most counter-intuitive thing out.... let them go. Do the 180.

If the WS decides to continue on and go to their AP, then it cements the fact that they were never into you anyway, and they deserve each other.

You want to save the M? Nope, you should focus on how you get out of infidelity. Whichever way you look at it, the M you know is already dead, so there is no saving anything. Even if you do get back together, the M will never be the same (why would you want to be in a M where the WS cheats again anyway?).

If the WS truly loves the BS, then the WS would be chasing the BS, viewing the BS as the prize.

Had I known she was going through that I would have never allowed it to happen. She didn't tell me this until after the fact. I feel so bad now knowing she went through that.

All she did there was a typical cheater's trick, with a sleight of hand, she made you think that you were the reason for her betrayal. Utter rubbish. Smoke and mirrors.

If you could actually read minds, you would be freaking rich right now. No top 1% of the country... you will be the #1 globally!

bvwalker, please don't fall for your WW's tricks.

Read more on the J(ust)F(ound)O(ut) section, and you will see the common tricks cheaters use.

Poor little muffin. She just couldn't express how "lonely and scared" she was because there was no one in the same room with her at night. Surely, starting a romantic relationship with a guy who's A THOUSAND MILES AWAY would fix it and make it all better.

Very good observation ChamomileTea .

Bvwalker1 :

Marital issues are solved within the marriage. When things become unbearable, you divorce because.... things became unbearable.

Now, the explanation below might be difficult to follow, I sometimes struggle with English so bear with me!

If the marriage is unbearable and one stays in the marriage and pick up an AP, well, why not simply leave the marriage? Because, the marriage isn’t so bad and the Wayward wants both the marriage and the side romance. They won’t admit it to you, they sometimes don’t admit it to themselves... and come up with all sort of BS excuses. Sometimes those excuses are completely nonsensical, like your WW. It’s just too hard to take the blame and admit they did a very selfish act and hurt a bunch of good people along the way.

The SI gang have a very good BS detector. ChamomileTea BS detector made my day (thanks).

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:02 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

Do you have any independent proof that he has been separated for six years? You may find that his wife is totally unaware of that fact, and that he is simply catfishing your wife!

I was thinking this as well. She showed her vulnerability and he swooped right in...like a vulture.

She's deep in the fog and sadly, the only way you may possibly get her out of it is to continue with the D with firm NC in place.

I echo everything M1965 said...especially:

If you have some information about him, get a private investigator to do some research on him. They can do all kinds of checking online, and give you a clearer picture of his real situation.

This guy is married too but separated for 6 years with kids and he was talking about divorcing and marrying her.

Like everyone else, I smell BS a mile away on this one.

Who stays separated for 6 years without divorcing?

Find this guy's wife and get the real story.

The second AP in my wife's case was divorced. He told my wife that they had divorced because his wife wanted to focus on being a better mother.

Is your BS meter tingling yet?

In actuality, I spoke with his ex wife. They divorced because he was a serial cheater.

That also changed my wife's perspective on this wonderful friend!

Wow! I never expected so many helpful replies. Thank you all for taking the time to help me understand my situation. It definitely gives me a different perspective and has opened my eyes. I will follow up as the situation unfolds. Thank you all again. Your support, encouraging words, and insight have been invaluable to me.

So, what's your plan?

In actuality, I spoke with his ex wife. They divorced because he was a serial cheater.

That also changed my wife's perspective on this wonderful friend!

This happened to me as well. The AP said he was separated and had filed 6 months prior. Spoke with his wife and turned out they were not separated in the slightest. He was a serial cheater. The difference between our stories is my STBXW still chose him. Lmfao

Many years ago, in the university library there was an old book that I read, the title of the book was 'Brainwashing'.

The book discussed that in the Korean war the Chinese applied techniques on captured American soldiers to reform these soldier into communists and 'wash' their 'brains'. One of the techniques involved forcing the POWs to repeatedly WRITE statements about how good communism is, interestingly, eventually some started to believe the things they wrote themselves (the book also discussed methods that GIs succesfully used against brainwashing).

In the world of dating, I observed that WRITING about personal hopes and dreams to unknown strangers can also brainwash the person who writes, especially if the other side presents him- or herself to the person who writes as the answer to all dreams and hopes for instrumental egoistic reasons.

Point is, due to the inappropriate contact via the writing between your wife and that guy I do believe that she is in love with him, even though they never met, brainwashed.

In this case, in line with what others have said, it likely is a dead end street for her, deliver her to the other guy his doorstep (and wife and problems), just say 'Okay if that is what you want, I will now bring you to him, live happy', so she can see that her hopes and dreams about that guy are delusional and a dead end Street, it is critical that you accompany her to him for effect. And if she does not come running back to you immediately, she can stay with him forever. This is a ballsy move, but not only it brings clarity also you have to play hard to win (and winning means to get out of infidelity, even if it means divorce).

Strength brother!

Nobody likes to hear this at this stage, but she's a lost cause. She's living in a fantasy world of her own making and refusing to leave. She spent however long building it right under your nose. She's a broken person and you'll only do yourself a disservice continuing to let yourself feel emotions for this person. Sorry you're here with us, but divorce isn't the end of the world and can even be invigorating. Good luck.

Is the other guy married?

bvwalker1,

Sorry that you find yourself here. YOu've joined a club that no one wants to be apart of, but there are a ton of great members here willing to help you figure this out.

Others have plenty of suggestions already, so I want to point to one thing. Take some time to read thru the other pages in the Just Found out or General Forum. Take a couple of day and read as much as you can. What you'll find out is that you're not unique. Most men that come on this sight are typically blaming themselves and wanting to win their wives back. Read their stories, and you'll see that there is nothing unique in your situation. See how things play out with their threads, and your eyes will open to how your life is going to evolve. Take the advice, see what people have regretted not doing earlier on, or that they did do earlier on and learn from them.

If your wife was lonely, she should have told you, not another man. Guarantee that guy is still with his wife, and if you contacted his wife, he would be quick to dump your wife, if you really still want her back after all of this.

Your old lady is all messed up over this guy....If I was you I would find out who the hell is this guy!

Don't tell her but just do your own recon on what you are up against.

I could be as simple as showing your old lady this guy is a fraud, happily married, and with kids.

At the very least ...if he is married you can turn this around fast by contacting the other mans wife.

In some cases once the guy gets uncomfortable and it gets real.. he will bail on your old lady.

Only then can you work on your wife and get her head out of her butt.

Do your recon, then get rid of OM, then work on getting your women back.

As long as OM is in the pic your screwed.

Remember keep it on the down low. If you plays this right the OM will bail on your old lady and she won't even know why.

If you can get this accomplished then the OM is history (the bad guy) and then you can deal with your chick. Until then she has her true love and you will always be the bad guy.

Get it.....

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 6:29 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]