SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

N,

How are you doing?

Daughter OK?

I understand the motto here is: "take what you need and leave the rest". But boy o boy, does that give people a lot of room to say some stupid shit IMHO.

Please remember just how mentally broken most of the people are here when they first arrive. Most of us were very susceptible to be influenced by others. Mainly because we can't think straight while going through so much trauma. This goes for the wayward spouses too.

Well said!! I have posted several times about how some people on SI make pronouncements about WS as if they are God's truth, when they are not, in fact, God. This seems especially true of WW. We should be supportive and submit HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS to they newly betrayed. All of the name calling and personal attacks really need to stop.

Neandertal is married to the woman who wanted to dump him for another man,and when OM dumped her,now she wants her safety with him. How can somebody stay in marriage with that person? How can you hug her,kiss her passionatly,when you know that she is there just becouse some other guy didnt want her for relationship,only for sex. I just couldnt live with my self if I stayed in that situation. Maybe she is good person,and I know that now she is fighting to be with her kids all the time and to have a same lifestyle.

But she doesnt realy love him. I couldnt stay in that marriage knowing that.

Neandertal is married to the woman who wanted to dump him for another man,and when OM dumped her,now she wants her safety with him.

DjDjani,

That is an extreme extrapolation. His wife and her AP would fantasize about having a life together. But Neanderthal found out about it and confronted her. Then physically confronted the AP. The OM didn't quite dump her.

Well, we are separated. My wife of 15 years moved into her own apartment at my request. I will now only see my daughter half of the time, due to my decision to separate.

I made the mother of my daughter move out of her home. What kind of man does that? I am old school in some regards. I believe its my responsibility to protect my family. Yet here I am tearing it apart. I understand these actions are in response to my wife's infidelity. But I still feel very guilty and very much like a complete failure.

Not only am I a failure as a husband, but now I'm failing my daughter too. I really hope these feelings of self hate fade fast.

The house feels so empty. Just me and the dogs, with empty rooms, missing furniture, less clutter, and no family.

For the most part the move went pretty smoothly. Mainly because I'm dead inside. Like no emotions at all. No anger, sadness, just nothing. I watched her cry all week, and I didn't feel anything. She asked me to hold her, and I just couldn't.

I can't even turn to my sister for help like I have through out this ordeal. She's dealing with her own personal hell. Her daughter, my niece just miscarried twins. How horrible life has been for them. First my mom passing, now two beautiful baby boys are gone. They were supposed to bring there family so much joy.

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 11:00 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

Your WW's decisions are not a reflection of you.

You did not tear your family apart, she did.

It is not your job to eat shit sandwiches every day to keep the family together.

You will be better and stronger...it just takes time.

Neanderthal - I am so sorry to hear about your niece. 2019 has sure been a rough year for your family :(

And just wanted to pipe up - you are NOT a failure. No matter what ends up happening with your M, you are taking the steps you need to take to get yourself into a healthier place emotionally and mentally. In the big picture/long term that will benefit you, your daughter, and even your WW more than you sticking around to 'keep it together'.

Please don't hate yourself. Those really hard decisions are usually the right ones.

Sending prayers for you and your family today.

Neanderthal,

I made the mother of my daughter move out of her home. What kind of man does that?

I have to disagree. Her actions forced you to do what you needed to do. You gave her multiple opportunities to come clean. She would not. So the kind of man that does that, has self respect. You did your best, and your wife failed YOU.

I believe its my responsibility to protect my family.

Yes, but it is near impossible to protect your family when someone in the family decides to be an enemy of your family.

But I still feel very guilty and very much like a complete failure.

No sir, it was your wife that failed you and your daughter. You are not to blame for this. You gave her plenty of chances, and she choose to continue to lie to you. She failed you and your daughter.

The house feels so empty. Just me and the dogs, with empty rooms, missing furniture, less clutter, and no family.

I suggest you get busy doing busy work. If you sit there wallowing in the emptiness, it will kill your soul. You need time away from the pain she choose to cause you. Me personally, I would have kept my daughter for the first week so that I would not feel like I just lost my daughter with my wife. But you are not me. You thought of your daughter and even your wife still (helping her move in).

For the most part the move went pretty smoothly. Mainly because I'm dead inside. Like no emotions at all. No anger, sadness, just nothing. I watched her cry all week, and I didn't feel anything. She asked me to hold her, and I just couldn't.

There is just so much trauma a human being can handle. And she caused some enormous trauma to you. Her moving out (despite you asking her to), was just more than you could bear. It signified an end of sorts to your marriage. That by itself is very emotionally traumatic.

[This message edited by Kiba at 11:27 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

I'm going to ask that if you read my thread, don't take that info and start discussing it on my WW's thread. Especially while adding your own flare to it.

To be clear, my WW isn't living in some gated community resort apartment. It's definitely a step down in lifestyle. She also didn't get all new furniture. She took the bare minimum and is looking for used items to supplement what's missing.

My daughters living arrangements are decided and agreed upon by both of us. She needs to be with her momma for the first few days. It won't kill me, but it does suck.

I am also going to try and stay away from SI more. Infidelity consumes every part of my life, and I hate it.

I'm also contemplating having an moderator block me from the WW forum. It's too ugly in there for me, and I don't want to read her thread anymore. Besides it needs to be a tool for learning and healing for her. Not a tool to convince me of anything.

Just try to stay busy and as grounded as you can manage. This will pass. The change alone is probably going to take some time. Please be kind to yourself.

There is no exact right or wrong way to do this. You are numb because you are maxed out. Call it your body or minds way of protecting you. You just stop feeling anything.

It will pass my friend. We are here if you need us.

To quote Churchill "Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

You have a long time to live with this, a lifetime.

So much has happened since DDay, the lies, the TT, the struggle of deciding what to do, the poly and her moving out, and now the move and kid juggling. Right now this is your new normal - it will work out somehow., and you your daughter and yes your WW will survive.

I hope that you have friends in real life to be with on the quiet days and nights when your kid is at the WW place.

It will be lonely as hell but going to SI should not be your go to place... Watch something fun, do something fun. When my WW moved out I went to the batting cages. I worked my way up to to the 90mph cage. Took my mind of things for a while.

There are a ton of newbies here and others who don't read the thread or the rules about taking things back and forth from yours to your WW threads. Ignore them.

I hope that you pop in once in awhile, but cutting back is not a bad idea.

I sure wish I knew about SI 12 years ago. You made tremendous strides, who knows what will happen in the future.

Hang in there N. Those first few weeks were super tough for me (and my kids are grown). Everyone will react differently, but there's no shame in grieving all that's been lost - and this year has produced a lot of losses for you and your family. I find it difficult to find the balance between allowing myself the feelings/grief, and not wallowing in them. It can be tricky, and some days are better than others.

Just sending positive vibes your way today.

N,

I have commented on both your and your WW post. I have tried not to bring info from one to another. You can take my advice or leave it here.

So you feel dead inside. Your just existing. Ther is nothing wrong this. You are dealing with a terrible betrayal and trauma due to the betrayed. In the beginning you found solace in taking out your frustrations with your axe on your trees. Physical exercise has and still can be your avenue to coping and processing this betrayal. Getting your endorphins up will help you calm down.

As for having your WW move out and feeling like a failure is just you continuing to beat yourself up. Tell your mind that this is for me. For my healing. This is for teaching your daughter to stand up for one's self when an injustice was done to them. You need time apart for your own psyche. It takes a strong man to do wants needed. You are not sacrificing your family. Your WW did that with her actions. You are now taking the time you need to see if you can offer her R if she shows you that she is truly remorseful and is doing everything needed to make you feel safe to even attempt to let her back into your life in a meaningful way. It is a difficult path. But I firmly believe that God only gives us enough that we can handle. You have handled your situation well. You have followed your gut instincts and they are telling you that you need time apart. Take it.

Show your DD all the love you can. As we have said before, reaffirm to her that she has done nothing to cause mom n dad to split. We both love you and will be there for you. Just separately for now. She will push her boundaries. That is what all kids do. If she is in IC, wonderful. It will help her further process your separation. And do not beat yourself up for not being the perfect dad. This is a myth. We are all flawed. What you may do well, someone will not. And vice versa. All you can do is ask yourself, have I done MY best today to be the best dad I could be. Then let yourself rest with ease. The more you interact with your DD alone, the easier it will get. Give her time and space to feel safe. Let her talk how she feels. Let her know she is loved. You will find your way through this and see just how strong you have come out of this entire ordeal. Sending you some prayers.

N,

I had to fix a few typos for you, I’m a pedant:

Due to my WW infidelity, the mother of my daughter had to move out of our home. What kind of woman does cheat on her faithful husband? I am old school in some regards. I believe its our responsibility to protect our family. Yet here she is tearing it apart.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:14 PM, November 11th (Monday)]

I understand feeling guilty. You're human and a good person, and guilt comes with that. This is how I feel when I consider ending my marriage. We need to look out for ourselves, and our kids need us happy and healthy, but we have to consider their happiness as well. It's really a tough spot to be in, especially when we're in a tough spot because our spouses made bad choices.

Just know that you're not a bad person, truly. I know that's hard to believe right now though. Also, with two loving and supportive parents, your daughter will be great.

[This message edited by landclark at 4:22 PM, November 11th (Monday)]

Neanderthal,

You have my empathy. Your situation does suck. None of it was of your doing but it does not change the fact that, we’ll, it sucks.

We are thinking and rooting for you. You’ll get through this but there will be rough times. You’ll get through this.

I'm sorry that you feel like a failure 'Neanderthal'. Sometimes situations are created by those around us that we have no control of. Such is the situation you're in. Your wayward wife created a situation without your input and without your or her daughter's best interests at heart. This has nothing to do with you; it has everything to do with your wayward wife choosing destruction for everyone around her as well as for the other man's family. She is the culprit. You are simply following up with the consequences that she knew ahead of time would most likely follow. It's not your fault that you can't live with her choices. It's her fault for making the choices that she knew you couldn't live with. You're not a failure. Rather you're the hero in this situation. You're performing the ultimate service to yourself. You've gotten yourself out of infidelity and you're taking your life back. Don't waiver on your conviction. Follow through on your plans so you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you kept your integrity. Life will go on with or without you. Make your life the best it has ever been. Become the most successful you've ever been at what you do. Enjoy the life you're gifting to yourself. There's happiness down the road. All you have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. I wish the best for you.

The Night We Met by Lord Huron

I had all and then most of you

Some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

Oh, take me back to the night we met

I heard this song this morning and I replayed it over and over again.

The lyrics seem so fitting to me.

I had all and then most of you.

Some and now none of you.

I can almost pinpoint in my marriage when I had all of her, most of her, some of her and then none of her.

My own mistakes caused me to not have all and most of her. Then her affair happened and I only had some of her. Trickle truth left me with none of her.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

Now I’m left with this to deal with. Figure out how to live knowing her ghost will always be there.

Music is such an amazing thing. Just the first cord of certain songs can put me into a strong emotional place.

I'm glad I could feel that song this morning. I'm just glad I can still feel.

N, I know how you feel- and I feel for ya. I also felt like a poor husband and watched losing my wife right before me.

Sadly, we ended up divorced, and I placed a lot of blame on me. But a time did arrive when I realized that I was wrong. The situation was fluid, hidden from me and totally out of my control. Essentially, I was just crapped on by people who simply didn't care about me- my wife and a good friend. But it wasn't about me. And it isn't about you.