SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am similar to WhatsRight in that my WS's insatiable sex drive while not being emotionally nurturing eventually led to my sex drive tanking. After that I discovered the A's which didn't increase my sex drive.

Now my WS is not having sex with me (probably in another A I'm not sure) and I'm open but he never makes it safe enough to be vulnerable.

I have read this whole thread looking for someone to have experienced something close to what I experienced in my marriage.

We were married for 20 years at the time of DDay. We D 5 years later. Year 24 and 25 were sexless. My choice.

After much reflection and really looking in hindsight, it really is 20/20.

It was all about him and his needs. I was a prop for lack of a better word.

It was a chore for me because he never, and I do mean never, cared about what I needed in the bedroom and out of it for that matter.

Trust me conversations were had, examples and directions were given as to what exactly I needed in the bedroom, he “knew” better. He knew what to do to pleasure me better than I did Obviously I don’t know my body

He would say that he wanted to make sure I had a good time but never put in the effort to make sure I did.

Plus, there really wasn’t an emotional connection between us. That started, or I guess I noticed it a couple of years before the A.

I don’t miss feeling like an object at all.

ETA: our 25 anniversary was in August, he told me he wanted a D about a week later.

[This message edited by imagoodwitch at 2:54 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

If I've learned one thing in the past year it's that I will never judge another's actions. This thread is very difficult for me.

My husband is a sex addict. That doesn't mean he wants sex all the time. It means that he never learned that sex should be intimate and generous.

I'll not go into the body details, suffice it to say, it was a disaster.

I stayed because I truly thought it was a medical issue and an issue with his chronic depression. Sickness and health, right?

After I knew (most of the) story, one of compulsive masturbation and porn, strippers and lap dances and relationships with OW that were using him as he used them. Intercourse was not really part of th equation, until it was "expected." He dropped them just after the deed. He gave me an std that required a horrible, invasive, PAINFUL procedure.

Our attempt at rekindling things was an abject failure. He screamed at me because I wasn't reacting as he thought I should. It completely traumatized me. I can still hear the vicious things he said, and his tone of voice. He's apologized profusely. I've tried meds, emdr, loads of therapy. I'm still triggered by certain things.

When recovery commenced I let him know I wasn't able to have sex. It wasn't off the table, but it would take a long time to heal. There were ten years when he denied me sex. It's been a long time since we even tried. He told me he could live without sex, but not without affection.

I was diagnosed in 2015 with interstitial cystitis. No one knows what causes it. But sex would be extremely painful. Nonetheless, I was trying hard to overcome all my phobias when I discovered he had never really been sober for long. Porn, ugly nasty porn, was his preference.

He knows he's free to leave if this is a dealbreaker. He's renewed his recovery work but I will never know,I'm not about to police him. If he engages with a RL woman, I'm gone.

Initially I stayed because leaving would have required I give up half of everything I'd worked hard to accumulate. It is would mean being alone. I had already given up so much, including a normal sex life. I wasn't prepared to do that.

We snuggle, we cuddle, we talk and work and play together. Maybe someday I'll achieve remission, maybe someday he'll figure out how To be intimate. I'm not holding my breath.I

Don't judge. You'll never know what secrets exist.

Lionne I am so sorry - that sounds very difficult and hard to handle. Sending you hugs!

I did take the initial premise of this post to mean someone deciding with no medical reasoning. Of course if there are medical issues behind the denial of sex, that changes the issue completely.

Im a goodwitch…..mine is very similar....I too became an object after DDay….

I didn't mind the shorter time frame...I didn't mind the the lack of satisfying for awhile.. due to the mind movies....then it became about him ...all about him....so fast...so quick...so nothing...it was a bother at best...after DDay...He used me...he didn't care one bit...he would stare at other women, then want 30 second sex with me...

There was no consideration anywhere in our relationship...not even in the bedroom...I stopped having sex...because it wasn't sex...it wasn't love...it wasn't feelings....I was a tool...I was taking the risk of exposure for 30 seconds of nothing. I was still being treated badly..

what about bad sex.....

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:57 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Oh, I most assurudely do believe it. But, I'd like to know, what else do you feel separates a spousal relationship from any other long term relationship? I share my deepest thoughts with friends, even things I don't share with my WW. I enter into business arrangements/contracts with others freely. I love other people (family, for example). No, if you break it down, there's really only one thing I do with my W and nobody else in the world and that thing is sex.

Rideitout, I've put a lot of thought into this because I am poly. I very strongly do not believe that sex is the only differentiating thing; hearing that makes me feel extraordinarily sad, to be honest.

I have sex with other people. It does not cheapen or reduce my marriage in any way. To me; marriage is about being life partners. It means my husband and I have chosen to build a life together, to be each other's best friends, and to share common goals. To us, those are the promises we made when we chose to marry even while in an open relationship.

I have sex with my boyfriend. My relationship with him is not a marriage. Marriage must not just be about the sex. It's about the whole package and so much more.

I love my best friends dearly, but I am certainly not life partners with them. The sex isn't what makes the relationship, to me. I have best friends of 20+ years that I am extremely close to. Having sex with them would not make it a marriage or even in the same ballpark.

I feel like I'm in the minority here but yes I think it is reasonable to refuse sex (no one is obligated to fuck anyone else) but I also think it is then reasonable for the spouse who still wants sex to seek it outside the marriage.

I agree, secondtime. Completely. But can I ask what your reaction would be if your WH said, "You owe me sex. Or I'm going elsewhere"?

Like that, I'd tell him to hurry so that the door doesn't hit his ass on the way out of our home.

The only people I owe things to are my minor children.

That said, I know DH has higher drive than I do, SA aside. And we will talk about the frequency when he brings it up...you know...with those "I" statements that we're all supposed to use...

doggie Ima and Lionne

hugs

Doggie I can absolutely empathize with your pain.

To clarify, I am in no way condoning or binding marital sexuality that is abusive.

I think BOTH people should have as their goal healthy and mutually enjoyable sexuality

And for the record,

I think that for men things like age, porn, masturbatory practices that desensitize men to "normal" stimulation unaddressed adverse childhood sexual experiences and refusal to heal and grow and learn how to relate in a healthy manner and instead making painful downright selfish and hurtful sexual demands is so hard on a partner. Many of us have experienced that from our wayward husbands far before the affairs. In fact, in my case it seemed like the affair was the culmination of this self centered dehumanizing selfishness.

Ima Many of us BS I am sure can empathize with your feelings of being a prop. I call this dehumanizing and objectifying (as opposed to connected) sexuality and I want no part of it ever again.

Lionne I judge no one. If you read my story I too was exposed to aweful abuse and the risk of STDs by my WH and I absolutely consider that behavior sexual abuse and do not feel a spouse needs to continue to allow themselves to be abused. G#d knows I allowed it and his lies and tt way too long.

Crazyblindsided I would absolutely have wanted to be intimate with my spouse more too if he was not consuming porn and directing his sexual energy to strangers on the internet or having sex with other people.

Callously exposing me to his unprotected sexual acts with strangers was just icing on the unpalatable fecal cake.

So sorry for any of us who have experienced this abuse.

imagoodwitch, that was my marriage exactly. My H has always, always been selfishly oblivious, even when I explained. After getting 99% of the way through our divorce and stopping it, he has gotten better. I guess because he has had no choice.

Shehawk, I know you aren't judging. Thanks.The thing is, I still have residual shame about all of our sexual history. That's ridiculous of course, I tried very hard to keep an active sex life. I liked sex. I really liked it! Each time we had a good spell I'd be elated, try to keep it up. He would pick a fight or 3 and often storm out. Heading to a strip club, no doubt or to his basement office to the internet. He WAS sexually assaulted at 9, sees it as his fault because he should have fought harder.

Some of these guys are sick.

[This message edited by Lionne at 3:22 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Am I allowed to post links to other forums? I thought people might want to read this.

I was shocked at how many poly people were willing to excuse the cheaters. To me, there's nothing wrong with being open or poly but consent is paramount.

I thought several interesting points were made though.

After DDay1, we went through our 'honeymoon' phase where we had a ton of sex, she was active and participating, she was enthusiastic, she was -present-. Then, after a few months, it dwindled.

About a year later, it was down to once every two weeks. A year after that (2017) it was down to once a month, and she never initiated. She said she wasn't interested in sex.

In 2018 we had sex 8 times. She gave me oral once. She has refused to let me give her oral since 2013. Zero foreplay. Mostly just layingg on her back or sticking her butt in the air and letting me do what I needed to do.

We've had sex four times this year, the last time June 19.

Then she goes to Texas for two and a half weeks and has a week worth of threesomes with a married couple that she is now pursuing a poly relationship with.

A dead bedroom is a dead relationship. Without that deep, personal, intimate connection that comes with sex, there's only a slow (or speedy) death of the relationship in the future.

A dead bedroom is a dead relationship. Without that deep, personal, intimate connection that comes with sex, there's only a slow (or speedy) death of the relationship in the future.

I agree with you. It's just a matter of time until things blow up when you're living with a dead bedroom (one sided). And given how incredibly "normal" a dead bedroom (or "may as well be dead", sex 1-2X a month, for example) it's also not all the shocking when you see how common cheating is. And yes, let me be clear, sometimes is the person who's causing the dead bedroom who's the cheater (my personal situation), but to say the intimacy was great (between my W and I) before her A would be a bold-faced lie. It wasn't. And a lot of that led right back to our "dead bedroom".

I can remember being in MC’s office after DDay, she asked me when the last time ExH and I were intimate. I said we have never been intimate. To me, MC and probably most people intimate means something that has nothing to do with sex. To EXH, intimate = sex.

Looking back I knew that if I didn’t put out he would eventually look for it elsewhere.

There was no emotional connection.

Lionne, partners of sex addicts don't fall into the normal marriage rules about anything. You aren't obligated and shouldn't be expected to do a damned thing. I see these marriages as something different. Marriages to Narcissists, addicts, etc. aren't marriages where one person went off the rails and it can be worked on in a healthy way after infidelity. Marriages to SAs just aren't marriages between two sane adults. They're marriages where one isn't psychologically an adult and where there was a level of lying and abuse and health risk that is above and beyond. These weren't marriages that we went into with our eyes wide open. I consider it to have been fraud. They knew they were fucked up and misrepresented themselves as decent people. We never actually knew them and they took steps to ensure that we didn't. Any SA whose spouse doesn't immediately leave is one lucky individual. Sex in these marriages is a very complex and fucked up issue and there is absolutely no judgment from me on whether or not anyone ever touches their SA spouse again.

"And yes, let me be clear, sometimes is the person who's causing the dead bedroom who's the cheater (my personal situation), but to say the intimacy was great (between my W and I) before her A would be a bold-faced lie. It wasn't. And a lot of that led right back to our "dead bedroom""

I second what rideitout posted. My WS contrary to what he told his AP would often refuse sex for long periods of time to "punish" me or (trigger warning) treat me as an object to wear a particular

piece it pieces of clothing or perform certain and escalating sexual acts.

To me so much of what happens in the bedroom is about trust and love. I consider myself a very sensual wife but lies and non consensual sex and EA and online sexual stuff with porn and other women as well as masturbation instead of being intimate did not make me want to "have sex"

I had done everything I could think of to get him to do "the work" on our marriage. I have read here that others say to do "the 180" if it's not happening. Things like "are you still in the same bed?" etc. So about 3 months ago we stopped having sex. I just said that I can't do it anymore (after a fight). I thought that might be a catalyst for him to buckle down. But he hasn't so we haven't had sex. He's complained about it for sure.

About a month ago, I came home and he told me that he had been researching things about how to make a woman feel good in bed. He thinks I don't want to sleep with him because the sex isn't good? I just looked at him with a "you've got to be kidding" look.

IDK, he's put me through so much, I've tried so hard. He just doesn't seem to care so why should I?

I want to have sex. But I feel so uncomfortable around him. Sex is more to me than just a physical thing - it's the whole emotional connection.

partners of sex addicts don't fall into the normal marriage rules about anything. You aren't obligated and shouldn't be expected to do a damned thing. I see these marriages as something different. Marriages to Narcissists, addicts, etc. aren't marriages where one person went off the rails and it can be worked on in a healthy way after infidelity. Marriages to SAs just aren't marriages between two sane adults. They're marriages where one isn't psychologically an adult and where there was a level of lying and abuse and health risk that is above and beyond. These weren't marriages that we went into with our eyes wide open. I consider it to have been fraud. They knew they were fucked up and misrepresented themselves as decent people. We never actually knew them and they took steps to ensure that we didn't. Any SA whose spouse doesn't immediately leave is one lucky individual. Sex in these marriages is a very complex and fucked up issue and there is absolutely no judgment from me on whether or not anyone ever touches their SA spouse again.

Thank you for this. My STBX has exacerbated my sexual dysfunction with his sex addiction, STD's, lies, and many A's.

I was also sexually abused as a child and gang raped as a teenager. My STBX has ruined any sexual normalcy I could have had.

I look forward to being alone and not having sex with anyone for a loooooooong time. This is what happens when sex addicts, Narcs, or people who cannot contain their sexual fetishes when it is abhorrent to their partner. They can fuck off and die from lack of sex for all I care!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:26 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]