SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As the title says, my husband only admitted Saturday kissing my best friend back in november. I had a gut feeling the situation wasn't right but was made to feel dramatic for thinking it.

I had a moment friday night and messaged her husband. Not sure why now but did, and he said she'd told him that yes they had kissed.

I sent hubby the screen shot of this yesterday morning and waited.

I was really calm surprisingly but he started again saying i shouldn't be bringing it up again and how he thought we'd got passed it. Denied it still.

Then said it was a none event as she'd tried to kiss him, was a peck, and he backed away.

I said even if i believed that, he still should have told me. Anyway, longer story short he finally admitted it after i made him message her, and she told him to basically man up and admit it!

Bit of backstory, my daughter walked in on them both in the garage at one of our house parties, and my friend had her catsuit all the way down with pants around her ankles. She denies this, but also denied kissing so means nothing!

We've talked Sunday morning after i avoided him as much as possible Saturday without the kids being suspicious and now i don't know what to do. I'd like to get over it but feel like he hasnt been punished so to speak. He slept on the sofa last 2 nights at my request but i weirdly don't really feel anything. Did have a cry yrsterday morning.

Is this normal. I feel like society says i should be going mental and kicking him out etc but i dont know what that will acheive.

Ive said we now have to go to councilling which he has said yes to now. Am i stupid for being so forgiving?

It's early days and today i felt different again, and questioned him again, as i feel that more happened. I met up with her husband today and when i told my husband, he looked worried instantly.He got defensive again and made me feel bad for asking again.

What on earth am i gonna do?

I hate to tell you this, but there is probably MUCH more going on than just kissing. The part where your daughter walked in on them is just the tip of the iceberg.

Hi, welcome to SI.

If her pants were down to her ankles, both of them are lying. Sounds as though it was much more than kissing.

If you want to find out the truth, ask him if he's willing to take a polygraph.

Also, remove this friend from your life.

Check your phone records to figure out if they've been in contact, social media as well.

Cheaters lie, and I'm sure your husband and friend are no different.

Please read the Healing Library, and you ask anything you want of your husband as many times as you want.

I don't think any of us here got the truth initially, keep digging. IMO, there's more to the story than what they are telling you.

Your husband's behavior traumatized you and you were denied a chance to fully process/heal. Why? Because your husband minimized and lied.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your husband failed.

Now you wonder if it was the first time or the last or when it will happen again. Him ignoring his behavior doesn't fix him or help you feel safe.

How old is your daughter?

I think your daughter catching them alone out in the garage (with the OW's pants down) is more than just a harmless spur of the moment kiss (they intentionally slipped off by themselves).

Studies of infidelity show that a kiss is the most important emotional & physical boundary that once crossed leads to sex.

I suggest he provide you with a detailed timeline of that evening/party. Subject to a polygraph test.

Is your husband willing to take a polygraph test?

It doesn't matter whether the test is accurate, he just needs to believe that you believe it's accurate. Sometimes just mentioning the polygraph triggers more details.

Unfortunately, cheaters typically only admit to what they think you know. He got caught kissing so it was just a kiss (nothing else was intended and this was their first time).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:51 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

I asked him straight after the night to do one and he told me to f off. I knew that was a bad reaction. I binned her off immediately which is partly why i feel he's got off lightly. My friendship with her was 13 years so not easy thing to do.

I think more happened and think admitting to the kiss is damage limitation.

Nothing is going to get fixed if he keeps acting like this.

Truly sorry to hear this is happening to you.

I’m sorry you husband and former friend have no morals. I would like to point you toward the Healing Library in the top left corner of the home page. You will find some helpful information there.

Have you talked to any divorce lawyers to get an idea of what your future would look like if you decide to divorce? Set aside a fund that you alone can access if you decide to divorce. Your husband has refused a polygraph. Once you find out your divorce options and you are done dealing with this liar, you could let him choose between poly or divorce. Your neighbor may want to offer a similar choice to your lousy friend.

Knowledge is power. Do not allow your husband to sweep his actions under the rug.

How did you find out about your daughter having walked in on them in the garage & was that the same party?

Also, please forgive me, but I don't know what a catsuit is other than a costume... was it a drunken Halloween party..?

How old is she (your daughter)?

Is she (your daughter) in therapy or do you plan on her getting into therapy?

Last but CERTAINLY not least... how are you holding up? Are you okay?

My daughter 11 and the party was a halloween party yes. The music is set up in our garage. Everyone else had left and i had gone to bed but 10 mins later my daughter came up to me and sat on my bed silent for 10 mins further. She eventually said, very awkwardly thatshe'd gone into the garage and Donna the friend, was stood with the catsuit off and pants around her feet, bent over do my daughter had view of her ass.

Jesus.

I already went bananas because the OW held my baby daughter.

But this?????? Jesus. I'm lost for words.

This is too much! Your husband and friend are lying to r child has been traumatized. Likely it’s not the first time that something has happened. Ask your husband to take a polygraph and watch his reaction.

They are both despicable.

[This message edited by Shockedmom at 9:54 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Do you believe your daughter?

Your daughter trusted you enough to tell you something scary and mortifying.

Your daughter seeing this. Telling the truth....

Your reaction of rugsweeping....

Has your husband ever spoken to his daughter about this?

This will not go well for your daughter. I feel so bad for your daughter.

My daughter 11 and the party was a halloween party yes. The music is set up in our garage. Everyone else had left and i had gone to bed but 10 mins later my daughter came up to me and sat on my bed silent for 10 mins further. She eventually said, very awkwardly thatshe'd gone into the garage and Donna the friend, was stood with the catsuit off and pants around her feet, bent over do my daughter had view of her ass.

Oh. My. Gd.

Before working on counseling for you and he together, you need to get your daughter into therapy ASAP!

I normally don't get all fire & brimstone but holy hell, if he knew that she walked in and didn't stop, he deserves wayyyy more consequences than I wish to express here.

I'm sorry for my anger on your behalf but my daddy instincts are kicking in high gear over here.

I do believe my daughter and always made ger know that too. She didnt see them together just the stupid cow's ass. Bad enough i know, and im more angry about my daughter being called a liar than anything. Last night i was made to feel bad for asking questions again, but I'll keep pushing.

I’m sorry...but, they were not just kissing if her pants were down. Your daughter may have seen them just kiss, but more was going to happen or more already did happen. Polygraph is a must. They are not telling the truth.

Nothing is going to get fixed if he keeps acting like this

Yuo!!! You cannot Reconcile with him if he refuses to be honest with you AND if he is not remorseful.

I suggest you stop asking him questions. Stop trying to “discuss” it with him. He is refusing to man up and be honest.

Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library (upper left by the Dr Phil photo). The 180 is helpful to you to get you away from dealing with his lack of honesty and refusal to deal with this in a mature way.

Some 180 hints: stop being his wife. If he’s going to be a child then you have to detach. My H had a 4 year EA he refused to admit. I knew it was going on from Day1. This girl was obvious she liked my H. Anyway I lived your exact situation- deny, stonewall and refuse to discuss.

It finally ended. And completely rugswept. I allowed it. BIG MISTAKE!!!! He then had another affair because there were NO CONSEQUENCES the first time around.

I suggest you sit down with him - not a discussion - but he listens to you. You tell him you know he cheated. DO NOT LET HIM INTERRUPT. He has to listen to you. Reiterate you know he cheated and your child saw the OW with her pants around her ankles. His refusal to discuss this like a mature adult is damaging to you and your marriage and your child. And you will not be dictated to on what can and will be discussed. He is to let you know when he is willing to discuss this like an adult. Otherwise there is nothing left to talk about.

Then leave the room.

You only talk to him if the kids are around. Stop being his wife. No laundry, errands, meals, favors, etc. plans with kids or family do not include him. He sleeps on the couch.

And get yourself a good counselor to support you during this time. Someone experienced with infidelity. His Affair is not your fault. He made the choice to cheat. He now needs to make the choice to repair the damage.

He can choose to bury his head in the sand. Typical cheater move. But if you allow it - there is a chance he may cheat again because he has gotten away with it the first time.

Does the OW’s H know about the pants on the floor situation? If not you need to tell him this was more than a kiss.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:15 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

You have a brave and independent daughter. She is very strong. Believe her.

A child would NEVER make up this kind of story. Most children wouldn't be able to say anything about it. NONE would lie about this.

Your daughter must see a therapist. This is such a disturbing image to a child at a critical stage of development. This haunting image will be with her for a very long time.

She is going to need help accepting this. This changes her image of her father and will cause her to have very serious trust issues with men. It will create serious conflicts in the sanctity of the father and daughter relationship. It will cause her to feel she cannot trust him and he is not protecting her.

Do what you must with him. He's a disgusting H and that OW is utter complete trash doing this in such close quarters to your family.

Place your daughter before you in dealing with this. Keep her from being the worst victim in this atrocious act of betrayal. It is not figurative that your WH betrayed your daughter as well as you.

And those ffffing denials by that POG H of yours after all that and the implication that his own daughter would lie about such a thing. He's not a good H and not a good father.

What on earth am i gonna do?

If there is ever to be a defining moment in your marriage, this is where it should be. You have a traumatized child, and a remorseless husband. These are facts.

I GUARANTEE that your husband will try to force his will through this. Even if there was nothing more, which you wisely doubt, is this how you want the family dynamic to continue through life? For your husband to shut down any conversation he wants via anger? It is way too early to be talking in absolutes, but could you imagine yourself leaving a marriage where you and your children are treated this way?

I'm not saying to divorce today. But I am saying that if this is the behavior that you will get from your husband for the next 5, 10, however many years, then yes.....you should not be in a marriage like that. So the VERY BEST thing that you can do....right here and right now....is to stand firm in your beliefs, and to demand the respect that you, your marriage, and your children deserve. And 1stWife lays the groundwork perfectly---DON'T be a wife in a marriage that looks like this.

I suggest you sit down with him - not a discussion - but he listens to you. You tell him you know he cheated. DO NOT LET HIM INTERRUPT. He has to listen to you. Reiterate you know he cheated and your child saw the OW with her pants around her ankles. His refusal to discuss this like a mature adult is damaging to you and your marriage and your child. And you will not be dictated to on what can and will be discussed. He is to let you know when he is willing to discuss this like an adult. Otherwise there is nothing left to talk about.

Then leave the room.

You only talk to him if the kids are around. Stop being his wife. No laundry, errands, meals, favors, etc. plans with kids or family do not include him. He sleeps on the couch.

And get yourself a good counselor to support you during this time. Someone experienced with infidelity. His Affair is not your fault. He made the choice to cheat. He now needs to make the choice to repair the damage.

Perfect.

Rosepetal,

If you allow this behavior to continue, it will show him, that through forcing his will, your husband can do what he wishes. It puts him at the sole controls of what should be a 50/50 partnership. Show him that you value yourself more than that. It will get uglier as he ramps up his defensiveness, but you can shut that down by doing the above....and showing him that you would rather end this marriage than continue on this path. Because if you can't trust your partner, what are you getting from your marriage?

OMG,

Sorry you are here,

your poor little girl, my heart hurts for her, not only has she had to be the one to break this news to mummy, daddy has been making her out to be a liar.

Please please keep talking to her, i know atm you want to concentrate on finding out the truth (understandable) trust me I know, your daughter is probably going through all sorts of different emotions she won’t know how to deal with at 11 yrs old,

My daughter (early 20’s) was with me when I stumbled upon a video of my STBXH & his ONS, she was absolutely heartbroken, traumatised, angry, hurt, beside herself, I shut it down immediately but the damage had been done,

We are just over 18 months from that episode, where I have been able to move on with my healing, my daughter however hasn’t, her & her dad talk occasionally but they are no where near to being as close as they were, he has a long road ahead of him with all our children but especially her.

Again I’m sorry,

With her pants round her ankles can you honestly believe it was only kissing? You don’t undress to kiss someone other than your partner/spouse

180 him till you can find out more, obviously it’s your choice,

i know it’s not easy but for you to get the answers you need & deserve you have to go in with a different direction,

Good luck we are all here for you

Sending strength

You need to get PISSED off about this!!!

Your husband isn't safe....for you....but more importantly......your daughter (and the rest of your children if you have more).

Your daughter witnessed her father with this woman in a place that she should feel protected (her own home).

If this other woman had her clothes down to her ankles than most assuredly they have done more than just kiss.

Your husband was worried when you told hIm you met with her husband. There's a reason for this as he KNOWS HE'S GUILTY!!

As others have pointed out you need to get your daughter some help with this because this can be life altering. Not only did she witness this but if I'm reading this correctly your piece of shit husband is calling his daughter a liar? WOW!!!!

You've only scraped the tip of the iceberg with this.

My biggest priority would be my daughter right now.