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Just curious since I know many of you are dealing with narcissists.

Not to be gender bias, but the Peter Pan issue always seemed to be more of a male issue, based on my personal experience and observations. (Sorry guys!) Many people have commented to me over the years that my WH is like a big kid. No surprise to me, I see it for myself.

Since we know A's are an escape from adulting I was wondering if there's a connection. Reality is a land left behind each time they are with the AP. It's an instant travel back in time to when there was no spouse, no kids, no bills, no jobs, no pressures, and it was all carefree and fun. A time of our lives we all would love to recreate but something called growing up and becoming a responsible adult happens. It's supposed to anyway.

Narcissistic people seem to have an exceptionally hard time having to put marriage, family and responsibilities at the top of their priorities. They almost at times seem to be freaked out by it all. Since a narcissist's issues are often born out of FOO issues, could they be trying to pathetically recapture their youth?

Could it be a factor as to why so many Waywards turn their backs so quickly on their spouse, families and responsibilities? All for a unicorn fart ticket back to that time? 🤔

A lot of people told me it seemed like my exww was trying to recapture her youth so it very well could be. Like she was in high school again but this time with an unlimited credit card (those cards used during our Separation are now in collections, who knew you had to pay back the debt while in Neverland). The more and more I read about narcissism, I'm in shock that I didn't see it before. Just about every single thing I read defines my ex. Interesting analogy!!

Makes sense given that my 38 yo stbxwh was "in love" with an 18 yo slut... Hmm. Peter Pan indeed.

Isn't that the entire basis of the midlife crisis?

My research and experience indicate they are not escaping to childhood but are instead stuck in childhood. In other words, they get jobs and behave as adults but their feelings and thoughts stay immature and stunted. This is why they say very juvenile things, especially when they get upset, things like, "You are a bad person. You are not nice." It is very strange to hear a narc rage, like a middle school child in an adult body.

Narcissistic people seem to have an exceptionally hard time having to put marriage, family and responsibilities at the top of their priorities. They almost at times seem to be freaked out by it all.

Not freaked out but incapable. Totally incapable. How could a 12 year-old possibly understand mature love and a responsibility to others? They are 12 year-olds inside, say the experts. Narcissists only know how to escape and enjoy and think of what makes them happy like a pre-teen does. They will never mature past this thinking, no matter how society judges them. They are incapable of maturing.

I read an article on narcissists the other day that said, "When we expect or hope that they can change, it shows how little we understand narcissism. Because they are incapable of change."

cocoplus5nuts

Considering I feel like I'm finally entering a belated midlife crisis I'd say no. I'm not stuck in childhood. I'm freaking out at being at the mid point, thinking about what I would have liked to do and what I'd still like to do. Doesn't mean I'm escaping into fantasyland.

OIN

I don't expect him to change. Not by a longshot. I'm just musing and trying to understand things for my own personal growth and feel this is a component to who he is. A big kid.

Also emotionally immature. I didn't really know much about NPD before. I see and view people and couples differently now. I can spot out the emotionally immature folks out there. My 12 year old daughter is more mature, emotionally and physically then her mother. Sure she is still learning about life but the childish responses I've heard from her mom I certainly don't hear or see from DD12. I do think NPD and emotional immaturity go hand in hand.

My narcissist is female.

And she always had the feeling that she kids too early and not been partying enough. I guess that's a bit of Peter Pan? She definitely is not an adult.

She can now do plenty of partying.

We met as teens...before you knew it, I had our son at 18 (going on 19)...

From that point forward, it has been nothing, but resentment. Now my son is 24 and more responsible than his father. He threw me into the role of playing his "mother" (in comes madonna-whore complex)and I feel like I have a rebellious son.

The thing with narcs is that they have issues with jealousy in regards to their own children. They see them as extensions of themselves, not as individuals. They see them as more of a sibling, threatening their entitled share. More resentment from the sick freaks.

My parents are both narcs and my father made a shitty comment about my mother being jealous of me.... something you dont tell a child. As I got older, I realized what he meant by that. She is a covert narc with undiagnosed anorexia. She would make horrible comments about my weight (even not being heavy), to hurt me.

My father was an alcoholic overt. He was actually very jealous of my brother. My mother's pride and joy, she would put him on a pedestal. Because of this, my father would do and give him things to reward shit behavior.

They made my brother the golden child. My father died and now my mother enables my brother and put him into the role of son-husband, in place of my abusive father. My brother is a sociopath that will never grow up. Sick patterns repeat themselves.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 3:22 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

There was a time in my researching that had me wondering, "What about when they get old/much older? What about when every relationship fails or they suffer consequences and losses?"

They. Are. Still. Victims. So they remain alone, lonely, and suffering well into their later years.

I'm not sure if there is much Peter Panning in their 60s and 70s. From what I have read, it's a lot of "Poor me, I am so lonely and unappreciated. This world sucks for amazing people like me because everyone is too messed up to appreciate my greatness." Sigh. Poor narcissists.

Two of my former boyfriend narcs are now 50, and one narc work friend is 50 also. One has lost several jobs for his antics, one came very, very close, and the third has gone to HR to complain about everyone and the "hostile work environment" that he must suffer in, created by him in reality. Two of them never married, and the other is divorced. Every girlfriend leaves them after one to two years of abuse. The few friends they do have are highly dysfunctional, codependent types who handle abuse well.

Are they trying to party and have fun and live like children, shrugging responsibility? Idk. They act like children, that's for sure. But their age is now ruining their desired image. They get shut down by younger women, the ones they imagine should want them. They don't usually have people to do things with. They are lonely and alone, and they are all bitter.

Have they gone for IC? Looked more closely at themselves? Not for a minute. Their misery is everyone else's fault. That will never change. The research I have seen says they will go to their graves feeling the world did not treat them as they deserved. The carnage they have left along the way does not even register in their minds. They are reluctant to even mention former girlfriends and friends, as if they have forgotten any of them even existed.

I feel nothing but pity for the npd. They are their own worst enemies and will never know it.

Eta:

this is a component to who he is. A big kid.

Very true. They are quite childish--pout when hurt, silent treatment, passive aggressive insults flung around, petty arguments. Ugh.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:18 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

I don't believe my WH is narcissistic but he definately wanted no responsibility, no guilt in doing whatever he wanted to do and live life as a single person. He hasn't repeated this for months but it was part of the shit I had to process when he tried to explain. Peter Pan didn't come to mind but now maybe I have to think that may have played a part. I'm not sure I will ever understand what was going on in his head. I'm not sure he will. I just feel like the one who became invisible in the world of make believe. Whilst making himself and the OW feel important, good, sexy and wanted I was left with nothing. It's a selfish reality.

I was thinking about one of Dr. Phil's fave lines:

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

A narcissist will choose right--every single time and twice on Sundays. There is no other choice. They know no other way. They have no concept of happy and never will. Compromise is never on the table.

Did the A make them happy? No. The A made them feel like the center of the universe. Which is what they deserve. Because they are so very special. And anyone in this world that doesn't understand that is stupid. And dumb. And a big meanie.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:30 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

The thing with narcs is that they have issues with jealousy in regards to their own children. They see them as extensions of themselves, not as individuals.

DashboardMadonna

Yes!! Absolutely! My WH used to tease our son when he was a little boy. Whether it was because he was being pampered by me, cared for while sick or even just cuddling with me to watch TV. My WH would make some snide Mommy remark to DS. Pure jealousy. He never had a "mommy". He had a mother who couldn't be bothered to walk a block to school for anything. Go to any of his sports events. Cuddling? She's not the type. I've long believed my WH was envious of that.

Children are used as props as well as the spouse in a narcs world. Look! Look what a great dad I am! See! But behind this fake bullshit was a very different story. I said it to WH last night as he was saying how he tried so many different things with our DS. Ok but did everything have to come with an argument? Did it have to turn into a spectacle because DS threw a ball incorrectly according to WH? No. But in this insanity it is all too common and he will never see that the damage he caused to our DS far outweighs and overshadows the good.

OIN

I used to live in the land of delusion thinking that as the years went by my WH would change. Nope. My BFF swears he will wind up alone and miserable. I doubt that. He'd find someone else to deceive with his charm. They will never outgrow their deep seeded issues. It's ingrained in them unfortunately.

Wintergarden

I definitely became invisible in his world of make believe as he and his MOW took the spotlight even if it was only between the two of them. I didn't exist. But I sure as shit existed to be a mother to our son. A home maker. A cook. A caretaker. Aside from that? Pfffft. I was ghosted.

OIN

I do believe his LTA made him happy or he wouldn't have stayed in it. As to whether he's happy or not with me is not my concern anymore. MY happiness is. 😊

The thing with narcs is that they have issues with jealousy in regards to their own children. They see them as extensions of themselves, not as individuals.

Good point. This would explain why several years ago, WH was genuinely irked that none of our kids (aged 5 and 2 at the time!!!) "Excelled at anything."

I was like, dude, they're babies!! WTF.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:51 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Nothing is their fault at all even over the course of an entire lifetime . Somehow they have escaped any responsibility for anything ever but others are held completely responsible by them. It is really an art form to somehow avoid having anything be your fault, and always be a victim. I am so glad that I don’t have people constantly gunning for me to do me wrong. People go way out of their way to victimize a narc because they are so dang important . It’s like other people ok this earth were created to do them wrong. I guess it goes with their grandiosity. They are the most blaming people to be so blameless themselves. If you even want to aggravate a Narc, point out to them that something is their fault.

Now marry that to a teenager attitude and I believe you have the Peter Pan Syndrome. Growing up means means taking responsibility. I do believe a narc can be incapable of this or just refuses

I have a 14 year old who really did get mad at me because I would not let her go to the mall because she had not cleaned her room like I told her she had to...so I literally ruined her life and I’m the worst mother in the world. it was so unfair. Next time I hope she learns to clean her room?

Lastly in regards to the jealousy thing, I think it is with everyone. They live in a state of competition

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 9:19 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

MBB, from what I understand of them, that doesn't sound like a midlife crisis. A midlife crisis is when someone realizes they aren't young anymore, getting old, and they don't want to. So, they start doing things out of character to recapture their youth.

Taking inventory of your life is not the same.

Taking inventory of your life is not the same. of your life is not the same.

Sure it is. Thinking about what you still want to do because time is ticking. You start freaking out a bit. There also is the fact that it doesn't necessarily mean reaching to try to recapture youth. Sometimes it just means finally allowing yourself something you maybe couldn't afford earlier in life. They don't call sports cars midlife crisis cars for nothing. In youth those cars could just have been out of reach financially or there was a greater need for a family vehicle. My WH is looking to purchase one now because he needs another car and can afford what he wanted years ago.

Jesusismyanchor

It is quite an amazing thing to watch isn't it? I would tell my WH throughout our relationship that he should let us mere mortals know what it's like to be perfect. Always right. Even down to little mishaps which life is full of. Always over reacting yet if he was the one to spill, drop.or break something it was no big deal.

As for your 14 year old daughter, that's typical behavior at that age. There's a dynamic that sets up between mother and daughter through the teen years. I went through it with my mom and then my daughter with the difference being this time I was the parent. It may be rough for a few years but things change. Hang in there it gets better and as she gets older and experiences things for herself she'll start to understand.

MBB,

My go to response to my H was...’If only you ran the world’ as a sarcastically sad way to deal with how much better everything would be if he was in control. 🙄

Narcs have a thing about offenses and perception.:.as in your are huge and theirs are nothing. It is mind boggling! For some reason I cannot explain how they absolutely cannot see this and no amount of explaining helps. It is an exercise in total frustration and completely futile.

You cheated multiple times, exposed me to possible STD’s, drunk and drove with the kids, hid addiction and so on (which you expect me to forgive) but you are mad at me because I was mean to you in 1995 once. You can’t get past that I said that to you. This is extreme but I think you get it!

I brought up the teenager thing because I think narcs/peter pan don’t grow out of it

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:45 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

I think narcs/peter pan don’t grow out of it

They do not. It is a permanent personality trait.