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Context: My 6 month affair ended in February. My BW and I have been having a hard time moving ahead.

The destructive pattern that my BW shows is drinking too much, then flooding and getting angry and very upset. The drinking happens about 2 times per week and it gets bad. Lots of repetitive statements, lots of yelling, crying, etc. When she is in this state I try not to engage because it's not worth it. She won't remember it. I remain calm and let her yell at me and wait it out. It's when she's intoxicated that she threatens divorce, says she hates me, hates my family, hates everything about me, etc.

When sober she is obviously still very angry and the emotions are all over the place. That I can deal with because she deserves to share her feelings and I need to support her. The threats are not there as often, but can come out occasionally.

I've talked to her about the drinking and she agrees it is not healthy or productive, especially given our situation. I've heard this before however.

Has anyone else dealt with drinking and flooding on a continuous basis? Any advice on how to manage?

My selfish behavior created this awful mess. But if the excess drinking along with the behavior associated with it is something that is going to go on indefinitely we're headed for bigger problems. Any advice?

Unfortunately I have and it's still happening almost 3 years out. I wish I could offer you advise but I don't have any. Generally I've found all that talk comes up when the drinking escalates. I also don't engage but it's exhausting. I have young kids at home too that have heard it. As much as I try to disengage he'll continue. It's caused huge anxiety for me at home. All I can say is there is a limit to what you can take and you don't deserve verbal abuse. She is entitled to be angry and hurting but drunken tirades don't acheive much towards healing and you are left with those words. General back and forth conversation, affair talk, yes but not what you are going through. I also always stay sober,I do not drink. Hopefully she'll seek some help for her feelings.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 4:10 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

This breaks my heart. I was where she is. I drank two bottles of wine a night and my rage was beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life. She’s very very deeply hurting. Is she in counseling? Counseling saved me. Helped me explore my FOO issues and focus on myself. I journaled a lot too and read. My WS and I didn’t live together during these times bc I had kicked her out on Dday but she still very much so endured my wrath during those times. Is your BS on SI? She likely also needs support and an outlet. I went to boxing in my rage. Told myself that alcohol was hindering my healing but I wouldn’t have stopped if it weren’t for IC helping me get to my issues.

BS here. This definitely happened in our house. Before the A, I drank, but not to excess. After the A, I didn't seem to have an off switch. And when WH and I would go out with friends, we would have fun to start the night and inevitably, by the end, we would end with a fight, or me crying, and usually one of us sleeping in another room.

After 10 months, my WH decided to quit drinking. He did this mostly because he wanted to be sober, so that his reactions to my outbursts would be more measured. He didn't have a sip for about 15 months. By that point, my outbursts had gotten less dramatic - the further away from DDay, the less anger I had apparently. Plus the outbursts didn't spin out of control because instead of being defensive, he was able to tap into comforting me. He has started having a few drinks here and there, but even after a 2nd DDay (Trickle Truth), my outbursts are not the same anymore.

I don't know if you are drinking on the nights she is, but I do appreciate that my WH didn't ask me to stop and instead took steps to mitigate the situation. I agree that abusive behavior isn't good, but it's okay for her to express anger. For me, expressing the anger was difficult and when I drank it just flowed out. Obviously not the best, and drinking to excess is never a good idea, but it was the way I dealt for a while. Not healthy, but just the way it was.

Is your wife in IC? Getting out her anger while sober might be something to work on. It is HARD to be so angry at someone you love so much. It feels off and awful. Have patience with her and love her through this. 6 months is NOT a long time in the scheme of things. The fact that she is still with you is a sign that she loves you. It just hurts.

From a BS point of view, it is interesting to see how many people have had the same issues. I can relate to the 'no off switch' statement, I have been the same with alcohol (and spending) - anything to prop up my battered self-esteem. Before DDay I was extremely self-controlled and law-abiding in everything so that was a real change for me.

I don't know what the answer is, it has taken me four years to get back on an even keel. It is NOT productive, but the real problem is that to the BS that doesn't necessarily matter.

Speaking for myself, I struggled to the extreme for months, then had to pull myself together to some extent for the kids if nothing else. Then there is a real tension because without the kids I would have ended it (either the marriage, or possibly my life in the early days) so you find yourself 'destroying yourself' slowly instead and not caring. Add to this any feeling of disappointment in yourself for NOT divorcing and it all just spirals.

Reconciliation is extremely tough.

Just a quick note, my BH upped his drinking too. Being cheated on is hard to cope with, no one said our BSs have perfect coping mechanisms. Not exactly excusing it just saying a little compassion from us knowing first hand that coping in a healthy way can be hard goes a long way. Trauma is so difficult to process many wish to escape it again something we know.. alcohol may seem like a good choice but we know how that can end when emotions are scattered.

I'm not sure I'd consider two nights a week even every week "continuous" and I'm not dismissing your feelings Wayward.. because I know, I really really do when drinking is involved. The early days are hard for everyone in their own right. Sometimes when buzzed or drunk we can say things that we feel encourage to say because it's easier. True thoughts and feelings come out. She's probably thinking about divorce every minute of the day to be honest, she just doesn't express it.

Idk.. is this the mountain you want to die on? Can you not find empathy? This shit sandwich we feed them is hard to swallow, my advice find some understanding rather than bigger problems. Have faith she will find her way again. The early days are the hardest.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 5:06 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

I did the same - not always (not really often) but the worst of it would happen if I drank...which of course use to piss me off even more. My WH has IMO a drinking problem - is he an alcoholic? IDK but it's definitely become an unhealthy crutch, but HE would drink whenever he wanted and I would have to withhold because I was afraid of what I would say.

It pissed me off because I didn't want to do that, and while I'm not a heavy drinker, I like to have one from time to time and I felt because of his betrayal and lies I needed to not do something that I used to enjoy because of what he did. It was like he managed to take that from me too.

Sigh.

BS. I also have had many nights with alcohol to redirect the extreme rage and helplessness that comes with having to deal with a WS. There is no good, effective way to redirect the extreme emotions. I personally would have preferred to beat WS to a pulp on many occasions for his sheer selfishness and deceit, but of course, that's not going to happen.

I'm sure it's hard to emphasize, but when you create this situation it's your responsibility to deal with it, and if your BS is driven to drink to cope, there's something you're not doing right. Drinking to excess is a reaction to something, a way of coping. You need to look really hard at what triggers it, and work on better ways of dealing with that. Not engaging is infuriating. Try being humble, grateful, appreciative and remorseful instead. 6 months is not very far down the line at all.

[This message edited by Justgetitoverwith at 6:50 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

I used drinking as a way to just be able to sleep. It wasn’t a healthy way to cope, but damn it I just wanted to be able to shut my mind off and passing out was my only option sometimes. I would get extra angry at times too, and release everything I had my holding in from the kids and during the day.

Please try to understand that for most people, this is the worst trauma they have ever experienced in their lives. It is terrible and awful and some of us have really bad coping skills and are reliving FOO issues that we didn’t even realize that we hadn’t dealt with.

I hope your BS seeks IC if she hasn’t yet. Please try and be patient with her. Living with the person who betrayed you is hard. The best thing you can do right now is what you’re doing - realize that it’s not abnormal and it won’t last forever. Set your own personal boundaries for how long you are willing to tolerate it if you want, and then let her know when that time comes, that things need to change. My WH didn’t get to that point - but I do think that would be acceptable eventually personally.

Ive been there. The first 3 weeks after i found out about my WWs affair i would drink half a bottle of bourbon a night. Id usually scream at her call her names, cry, you name it. Eventually it got to the point where i was scaring the kids and she had shut down. IC helped, but when you flood you just want the pain to go away.

Does she have any hobbies or a friend she can confide in? Exercising and throwing herself into work or a home project can help her focus on something else for a bit.

I’m a BS almost 2 years out struggling at R. My WH is a recovering alcoholic in AA who had his last drink 11/30/17, 8 weeks after dday. I was an occasional drinker who started to have a glass or 2 of wine almost nightly alone during his affair when his alcoholism got worse and he was never home. Early on I tried not to drink at all or be too harsh on him in order to support his sobriety, but sometimes the pent up anger and emotional pain would get so strong it had to come out. The alcohol made it easier for me to release it. It’s become our joke that whenever he sees me with a glass of wine he immediately starts apologizing. 6 months is very early. Your choices caused this emotional mayhem. The highs you got through your affair caused her lows, which she is medicating with alcohol. If you want to keep her as your wife, empathize and apologize. It was all about you, now let it be all about her for awhile.

I think you should answer and engage with her the next day. Hug her and console her when shes intoxicated. Then brave up and answer her questions the next day.

Then talk to her and answer her questions when she is sober. Ok? She is obviously suffering.

Easy peasy.

When she is sober, answer the poor womans questions. Unless she was an alcoholic before your betrayal, this is a symptom for her.

Be brave

When she gets upset, drunk,or not, not engaging is one of the worst things you can do, if you really want to help her. A BS already feels minimized,ignored, discarded,unheard,etc. When you choose not to engage, as a remorseful spouse should , all you are doing is cementing those feelings in her mind, and in her heart.

A few things you said are,IMO, worrisome. You are 7 months out, and you claim the two of you are having a hard time moving forward. It's still extremely raw to your wife. At 7 months out, her shock is wearing off,and pain and anger are setting in. She is still trying to find solid ground. Talking about moving forward,already, is a sign that you don't understand the enormous amount of damage you have caused your wife.

She gets drunk, and tells you she hates you, wants to divorce you,and hates your family. I'm sure all of that is hard to hear. But all of those feelings are totally normal for a BS at this stage. She feels more able to express that pain when she is drinking. You say if she continues to do this, there will be bigger problems ahead. Bigger? Really? You have dropped a nuclear bomb on your wife. You have shot her, she is bleeding out, and you are saying if she continues to bleed all over the place, then this will get worse. Worse for who? You? Understand, right now, this is the worst possible thing your wife is dealing with. This. These feelings she has as a result of her husband choosing,for a time, a woman other than her. That pain is unbearable.

You put her on this emotional rollercoaster. Buckle up. Find your empathy. The more empathy you show her, the more love you give her, the less she will feel the need to reach for a shitty coping mechanism. If you believe she is becoming an alcoholic, speak to her mom, or her best friend, and ask them to help her. If it's just that she gets upset a few times a week, and cries and says some not nice things, then figure out a way to endure, and treat her with love.

And, right, you don't deserve to be verbally abused. However, your wife's pain and anger were completely predictable, and preventable. You chose to do it anyway. You chose to abuse her. You were ok with abuse, when you weren't on the receiving end. But now abuse, in the form of pain and anger(verbal) is not to be tolerated?

You're allowed to set your own boundaries. But,if you want reconciliation, you need to learn to sit with her, in the trenches. And,if you don't think you can, let her go now.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Ah. I just read your other thread. It explained a lot. Your wife is drowning in pain.

Hellfire BINGO! couldn't have said it better than myself.

I will also add to all Waywards only a short while in from DD, and that is when a betrayed spouse claims they hate you and wished you were dead, etc., that does not make it abuse...frankly, at 6 months out we all felt this way and meant every word. Just because they drink, while saying it, doesnt make it any less true or abusive. This isn't about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, it's about repressed feelings due to trauma you have caused.

If your reaction is deflect the blame and claim them to be abusive, that is infact a gaslighting technique in manipulation, therefore abuse. This, on top of all this same behavior, during the affair(s) while exposing them to potential disease, and financial expenditures (to keep it going), including the extra gas and lingerie.

The fact is, you have a choice, that was not given to your spouse. You can take the cowardly way out and run, in that fog of denial, or you can figure out ways to better yourselves, that is what will improve the betrayed. If You continue the Wayward negative behaviors, it will likely cycle (as Hellfire mentioned)in with the betrayed's self destruction. The safer you make them feel, the easier it is for them to cope...the easier it is for you...It really is that simple.

It is very common that the betrayed pick up drinking and getting black-out drunk.... I would say 1/2-2/3 do it or have. It isnt some vengeful tactic, the reality is that some are on the verge of suicide, even people that never thought about it before...yeah, it really is that painful.

In saying that, I drink... I have cut back a lot, the last couple of months, because I decided my husband is not worth my liver.... maybe it is too late, so be it. I am not proud or ashamed. I am angry at myself for allowing a lot of people to continue hurting me. Tomorrow marks 2 years from DD...whoopie. Do I celebrate? Actually it's just another day...

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 12:42 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

She sounds exactly like me at 6 months. The anger stage hit and i was unequipped to handle it. Anger plus pain ..all i wanted was to be numb.

Dude. Looked at your last post. TWO weeks ago you are posting about ambivalence in the M.

Now you say if SHE doesn’t address her drinking you will have BIGGER problems?

SMH. Hellfire and DashboardMadonna have it spot on. I suggest you learn about trauma - esp relational trauma, PISD, etc.

the reality is that some are on the verge of suicide, even people that never thought about it before...yeah, it really is that painful.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:56 PM, September 5th, 2019 (Thursday)]

Gmc94.

This makes more sense now. Thank you. Thank you for posting. The lack of empathy and blame towards her? It threw me. But it makes sense now.

Is your wife on this site?

We can support and help her which in turn will be helpful for you.

Strength

All I see is a WS deflecting blame on to their BS. Sometirme who won't leave because they don't want to be seen as the bad guy (once again) and is now trying to get everyone focused on their BS's issues. That way, if you separate it's obviously not on you but your wife's drinking and behaviour while drunk.

Yeah, all I see is blame shifting. If you don't want to be married then man up and make that decision - don't make your BW the fall guy!

Edit

[This message edited by 4kids at 6:58 PM, September 6th (Friday)]