SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi gimmeechocolate,

I’ve read up so much on affairs, reasons for infidelity, why men stray, types of affairs, trauma caused by betrayal , the grieving process, I could now become an expert! However, I am now trying to focus on self help as this is about me now and not him. I will never get answers and have the power to change him so my energy needs to be channelled elsewhere.

What would you like your future to look like?

My auntie gave me some sound advice that is relevant to my situation, but might be to yours also. ‘He blew up your marriage in a second, it’s important now to think about you and what you want, your marriage is broken and you need to move on for two reasons. 1. It will help you in the healing process and therefore you will be safe and independent and 2. You need to do this if you want him to win your heart and trust back in time, you need to return to the old newbeginnings, the one he fell in love with. If/when he does think oh shit, what have I done, then you decide what the future is, not him!’ I took this advice on well, in my case, she is right. So I am now focusing on this and what is best for me and DD.

Sending ((hugs))

Your Auntie is a very wise woman. Your focus is right where it should be well. Despite how painful all of this is for you, each day on this path leads out of infidelity and a future where you are in control. Good luck.

Fareast - I won’t look in my rearview mirror again! 👍

Yeah I’m on a one way street to my future with happiness and freedom ahead. I’ve got nice plans today to bring me out of my morning hell hole. They’re always the hardest. My mind runs away with itself and it’s hard to rein it in at times.

I seriously cannot wait until I feel better and I’m detached from him.

Newbeginnings - have you had a meeting with a solicitor at all?

Yeah I’ve got a friend who is a family lawyer so she has been giving me some advice.

Good.

God another hard day today. Weather crap and same anxieties creeping in. When will I stop thinking he’s going to see the light and change his mind?! I’m trying to get on with my life but this is hard when we’re so connected with DD. He’s still requesting family days. Which are an obvious no no at the moment. I feel like we’re constantly in this power battle. He’s on top of his game one minute, then looks a mess the next and me the same at opposite times. He’s trying to convince himself that his new life is what he wants. Might not spend Christmas with DD etc because I won’t allow family days. But he reports to have come to terms with this. His mum is still devastated and showing this when I see her for DD. She cares for her one day a week and we always end up talking about it. She mainly talks about her feelings. Today she said he just needs time to see that the grass isn’t greener. Things I don’t need to hear, well not to move on anyway. I hope he does realise one day and I will have moved on but it doesn’t help me to move on now. I see the emotional trauma she is in and feel I can’t tell her to not say these things. No one is supporting her and she’s hurting so much.

I can’t believe that someone would throw away the most of their life just because he wasn’t shown enough affection 😭.

Hey NB,

Seriously he wants 'family' days? as in him, you & DD?

His mum is obviously feeling the loss of your friendship, I understand that but she can't keep saying these things to you, she has to be 'Switzerland' if she wants to remain in your life. Maybe you need to have the talk with her, set some boundaries.

Have you managed to find a good IC yet?

I swear once you do you will find your inner strength, week by week you will see lots of changes in yourself like I did.

Yeah he would like family days and to raise our DD together. He doesn’t want to add any complexities to that. Despite him ‘adding’ a tsunami to our marriage. He has never wanted to R but wants to continue with MC. I’m not sure about this. Don’t see much point continuing.

I am seeing an IC counsellor fortnightly and this helps me a lot. I am just finding it so hard to come to terms with the reality that is now in front of me. He continues to say that (in MC bcoz we’re NC other than that and him collecting DD) he was happy in our marriage. But it appears he wasn’t if he is now saying that I wasn’t affectionate enough. The MC counsellor pointed out to him that he should of told me this and this is something that is simple to work on. But I’m guessing he’s finding excuses and using the blame game. Which I can see but it still makes me want to rewind and try harder 😫.

God this shit is so hard at times. How can you love someone so much and they don’t see that you do?!

Do I have this right?

He wants his side piece, but wants to have family days with you and his daughter? I have to ask this too - is he ok with you having someone else too or does he expect you to just wait around for crumbs from him? (this was rhetorical question bc I know you do not want this type of lifestyle of you both having side pieces!)

You should tell him you have family days - with his child...and if he wants to have family days, he is welcome to spend time with her, that she is his family but he fired you from that position.

(hugs)

Hi,

I've been following your thread and thinking about you. You've been through so much and shown amazing strength to reach where you are at now.

Given his ongoing crappy behaviour it's no wonder that you have been struggling. He is acting appallingly. How dare he ask for family days when he is the one that destroyed the family in the first place! He is still firmly lodged in lala land where he magically gets everything he wants, and gets away with his awful behaviour. He's delusional. You are the only one acting as a responsible adult in this situation, and as such it quite rightly seems like a terrible idea to have these family days. What idea would that give your lovely daughter?

God he makes me so angry on your behalf. PM me if you ever need to. I'm in the UK as well.

He would like

He doesn't want

Would he like a side of kiss-my-ass with all his wants and needs?

Family days? Yeah...NO.

He "would like" to do this because he knows that contact of any kind causes you to weaken a little which he thinks in turn will persuade you to go along with his sick arrangement. He's a manipulative friggin weasel.

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:30 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

No new contact = No new hurts. All these things which are hurting you today are fresh because of contact. You shouldn't have to know that he thinks he should still be a part of family days or that he's blameshifting to your supposed "lack of affection". A few words from you to your MIL should create an effective boundary which stops her from oversharing as well. Same thing with well-meaning friends.

Honestly, nothing you've said here leads me to believe that your WH is taking you to MC in order to salvage the marriage. What he appears to be doing is attempting to shape you into the model ex-wife who is still supporting and caring of him. That's for HIM, not for you.

I know how badly you want to believe that there's hope for him turning it all around. But his actions tell a different story. And whatever doubt which might be in his mind about what he's doing is soothed by your continued cooperation. I can't tell you how many times we've seen WS ease their way out of the marriage with meaningless platitudes and claims of "confusion" when more stark choices might have made a difference.

A few days after my own DDay, my WH asked me for a month to prove he could earn my trust. He used that month to continue contact with one of the OW while he tried to ease his way out of that relationship. Cheaters typically don't like having to face any hard feelings. It's the total opposite of what they're trying to accomplish by having an affair, you see? But once more, he was caught, and at that point he had about 30 seconds to make his decision. He was either going to be "all in" or "all out", and it had to be right then. The choice was stark and immediate... and he KNEW it. I wasn't playing any more games with him. He ghosted that OW from that moment on.

It's not just your own mental health that you're hurting by allowing your WH to carry out his agenda. You're inadvertently creating less contrast for his choices. He's able to blur the lines and keep his fantasy of a new girlfriend and a contented ex-wife all in one big happy family in which he is central. You can stick a pin in it by pointing out that he is either your faithful husband or he is NOTHING to you. But the longer you allow his fantasy to play out the stronger it becomes. He's already gone. What more do you have to lose???

If you can't shed the hope, put out this ultimatum. But if/when he refuses, go back to NC and MEAN IT. File for divorce and extricate yourself from this abusive relationship. It's never the BS's fault when a cheater chooses lies and deceit. We can't make other people behave in ways which are foreign to their personal value system. They choose it... and then they rationalize their choice to make it more palatable. Sweetie, you didn't cause ANY of this. Really. You didn't. Don't for even a minute entertain the idea that it's your fault.

((hugs))

NB, I can see that you're slipping. Scroll back up in your thread and re-read the advice your aunt gave you. You HAVE to move on for you and your DD. There are no if, ands, or buts about it.

Part of why you're not moving on is because you're allowing some of your boundaries to blurred with your WH. There is no good reason why you should still be in MC with him. It is a huge waste of time and money. MC right now is doing nothing more than giving you a hit of a hopium - a small wish that maybe if he stays in MC with you that he isn't really that serious with the OW and will finish having his fun and come home. This is not a reality. It is a fantasy.

The sad truth is that if he could not stay faithful while married to you, he sure as hell isn't staying faithful while separated from you. He's using his time to test drive the OW until he's ready to fully jump ship or things don't work out. He's keeping you around as a back up in case things don't work out with her. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING.

Your WH has been in this mindset for a while that it's okay to keep his marriage with you while he looks for someone "better" to upgrade to. That's what's been on his mind while he's had 3 affairs that you know of. It's just that those first 2 OW didn't make the cut so he didn't try to run off with them. So if he leaves OW #3 for you, he will only stay until OW #4, #5, or #6 catches his eye and he'll be running off again.

I know you're getting a lot of advice from well meaning people that he just needs to have his fun or get it of his system before he comes home but unfortunately these people are WRONG. They have no idea what a serial cheater is like and have never been in your shoes to know that waiting around hoping he might give you the time of day and dump OW #3 is the worst possible thing you could be doing. Your aunt is right. You need to move on and stop chasing him even if R is a possibility in the future.

Stop the MC immediately. No more wasted time. No more wasted money. No more hopium for you. Stay strong on no family days. He doesn't get to date his GF and pretend to be happily married to you whenever convenient. See a lawyer and move forward with the D if you have not already. Make it clear that you ARE NOT plan B and you will not be taking him back just because he no longer wants to be with OW. If he ever dumps her, THEN you can think about R, come up with a list of requirements, and see if he is worth a second chance. But until then, act as if he is not coming back because he isn't saying or doing anything to come back.

Stop the MC immediately. No more wasted time. No more wasted money. No more hopium for you. Stay strong on no family days. He doesn't get to date his GF and pretend to be happily married to you whenever convenient. See a lawyer and move forward with the D if you have not already. Make it clear that you ARE NOT plan B and you will not be taking him back just because he no longer wants to be with OW. If he ever dumps her, THEN you can think about R, come up with a list of requirements, and see if he is worth a second chance. But until then, act as if he is not coming back because he isn't saying or doing anything to come back.

THIS...

Thank you everyone. I’ve had a great day today. Started off well and managed to maintain it. Off tomorrow so got a great day planned with DD.

You’re right to say that I have moments were I feel like I am slipping. I just have to remind myself that this shit is hard and appreciate how far I have come in three months. It’s always going to be hard to do NC with having a DD in the middle. He can think what he wants about keeping me sweet and having me on the side, but this will not be the case. I’m not that type of person. The house is going up for sale on Friday and this is my choice. He wants to keep me there....for a rainy day maybe?! Well sod that I’m off. Returning back to my parents for some well deserved TLC and onto my own home when the time is right. In a place where I want and he can’t come. I have also put plan into motion to trade the family car in. Something else he is against. Don’t need a family car when I don’t have a family anymore. Little one for DD will do just fine. MC is seriously going to go. I get what you mean that me attending is giving the wrong message. However, I have come from strength to strength in it. I am able to express my future dreams all without him. It’s our DD bday soon and all plans are me and her and so will Christmas! FaceTime has been stopped also.

Keep your support coming, it’s great.

Hey, how are you doing NB?

You are doing great!

Relating to mother in law, she's in pain and afraid of loosing your friendship and time with your DD.

I would suggest that you can have a nice talk with her in terms that you are more than available to spend time her, include her in DD outings,etc with the condition that no talk about her son. and the situation.

Presenting your WH with D papers would also resolve a lot of the problems he is causing and allow you to move on.

Even if there was any remote possibility that he would wake up, D can be stopped or you could date and remarry.

But for now, he needs a reality dose and to feel the consequences of his actions. And having it in legal papers the time he has to spend with DD will help.

Edited to add: Dont feel that by advancing with D you are in anyway the one responsible for ending the M. He did that already. It's on him. He will never make a move in this direction because he wants you stuck as his plan B.

[This message edited by LostWillow at 1:49 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

I’m doing well thanks Dragonfly. Had some good days recently and today is another one. Pictures have been taken of the house and its going up on the market as we speak. Lost willow you’re right about D and moving on. I’ve got to do this regardless. I’m very focused at the moment on selling up and starting all over again. Just me and DD. It’s quite exciting in a way. Feel like the world is at our feet.

With regards to his fence sitting, cake eating and attempts at emotional blackmail. I’m much stronger now and if any of this lands at my door from him or other sources. I am now much more equipped at dealing with this. The falls are shorter and my return to focus are quicker. He’s caused absolute devastation and I’m glad to be still standing and taking control.

X

I would suggest that you can have a nice talk with her in terms that you are more than available to spend time her, include her in DD outings, etc with the condition that no talk about her son. and the situation.

I personally would advise against any commitment to maintain contact with MIL. Right now all that matters is you and your daughter.

The temporal NC with MIL could be a benefit for you. Just let her know that you are sorting things out for yourself, NC is not her fault but is necessary for your healing after the betrayal. If she was involved in DD's life and still provide some child care and wants to keep doing it, then the communication between you should be limited at least. She is not going to be quiet about WH.

I had an experience in the past when the mother of my BF had seriously messed with my head, feeding me stuff that I wanted to hear and stringing me along because she wanted us to get back together. Meanwhile he moved on and was dating a girl while his mother kept telling me that he is upset and wants to reconcile. I ended up very humiliated, initiating a date and being told that he is with another girl already. I was very close with his mother but cut this woman out of my life immediately. Her schemes caused me unnecessary pain for a few months.

This is to warn that MIL will be on his side no matter what, she could be friendly and concerned about you but do not repeat my mistake and remember that her loyalty is with WH.

Lean on your family, they will root for you, anyone connected with WH has to go for now. Protect yourself, if MIL is sincere in her concern for you, she would understand and be patient. What if she greets OW very soon as her DIL? You do not need any more hurts.