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Well today I’ve had numerous messages from my WS saying that he has cut his obsession with OW and he is in a much better place mentally. His head is clearer now and he can see that any serious relationship at the moment is to only be with his daughter. He’s restarting calling me his wife and says that he loves me. I’ve all of this....for him to then say that he hasn’t moved on and his feelings have never changed throughout this process. He’s said that he’s finding out that love is a funny old thing. He just wants to look forward now and he has commented on liking my WhatsApp photo and that I look happy. WTF!

Previously this would of killed me to read/hear these things but but today it hasn’t. I just think 🤔 what the fuck is in his head?! Other than a complete washing machine by the sounds of it. It’s almost like he wants freedom and is liking aspects of it but is trying to keep me hanging. Which he isn’t because I hold my own destiny and moving on is my only option, despite his choices now and in the future.

It’s frightening in its predictability. This isn’t unusual/strange/odd it’s bloody text book.

He’s seeing you moving on, making plans, that wasn’t something he could see while addicted to his controlling manipulative AP. His days of cake eating are over. He realises he’s not ‘in luv’ with AP so he’s fishing. He doesn’t love you at this point. He’s just missing what you provided for him.

Please don’t give him anything in return. Please don’t message him back. NC should mean NC.

The AP was never the problem here. The fact she’s possibly on her way out is neither here nor there. The problem is he’s a serial cheat who is not owning any of the shit he’s put you through. Stay on your path. Show in your actions and words that you mean business and he’s no longer your monkey.

Huge hugs, I’ve been where you are. I know how confusing it can feel, but he is not even worth putting too much effort into thinking about. Not saying that that won’t change (or that there isn’t hope if you want it) but atm, he’s still the selfish, manipulative, serial cheat just one who’s woken up to not wanting ‘that’ AP.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:57 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

well, I'm glad (if you are) that he is pulling his head out of his butt.

I am a pessimist so bear with me :) Let his actions speak, rather than believe his words.

Sometimes a WS will do this and take their A underground. It happens frequently, especially when they are cake eaters.

Some WS can't handle their BS getting any power back, power that you are currently taking back.

Stay Strong :) (and make him work to win your trust back if you decide to R)

Well, isn't that nice? But of course he still works with her and since things have always been "complicated", he could start back up with her any day now after this little bump/argument/whatever has passed. Until he's ready to quit that job and move heaven and earth for you, his words and declarations of love are worthless.

Exactly that! Heaven and earth, actions, meaningful gestures. Not words over messages that I then not followed up. I’m so glad at how far I have come. Don’t get me wrong I have thought about what he has said and read over them trying to rationalise it. But then I just think ah well, slight distraction there on my OWN path and carry on. Before I would of been dumbstruck but now it’s like noticing a leaf fall and then you walk on, leaves fall all the time.

He’s a man who wants everything but will potentially get nothing. I take comfort in my dedication and love I had for him and what I can take into a future relationship. It’s nice to feel free and easy. Make my own arrangements and I am falling more and more in love with my DD every day. She’s my world. She was before but even more so now. We’re like two peas in a pod.

You are doing great in handling this NB.

It sounds like he just wants what HE wants all the time without any regard for what is best for you. Does he even realize what he's done? He wants MC, he wants to call you "wife", he wants family days, he wants his freedom, blah blah blah. What about you and your needs? He seems so self-centered about everything.

I would be very cautious and remain as NC as possible for your own good. Stop the MC, and if he wants to work on something he should be in IC working on himself and figuring out why he did what he did. He has shown no remorse. Where are his actions? His words alone and any promises he makes are worth nothing.

It’s almost like he wants freedom and is liking aspects of it but is trying to keep me hanging.

You said it right here ^^^. It really does appear that he's selfishly trying to keep you hooked on the line while he "decides" what it is he wants. SMH

It’s nice to feel free and easy. Make my own arrangements and I am falling more and more in love with my DD every day. She’s my world. She was before but even more so now. We’re like two peas in a pod.

This makes me smile for you and your little pea. Big hug (((NB)))

[This message edited by burninghouse at 8:36 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

He’s too self centred and oblivious to others burninghouse to realise what he’s doing and saying. The garden not rosey with OW so he’s back seeking reassurance from me. He’s known where he’s at for 15 years with me so it’s comforting for him to try and return to this. However, I am forever evolving so he won’t for much longer.

In regards to does he realise what he’s done. I think he does on a superficial level but no depth to it. Let him find out what he wants and the impact this has on others, only he will have that to deal with.

#NOACTIONSINSIGHT!

Forever love with my little pea. X

Another difficult day today. Which consisted of my obnoxious WS trying to engage in convo about his recent message to me and if we could spend DD birthday together. WTF?! How does he think things change all of a sudden? Just because he isn’t wrapped up with OW at the moment (his words, not mine and no evidence of this. Only in behaviour changes that he’s now trying to be in contact with me more). How can he not see how needy he is? And why would he want family days for the sake of our DD? He wants them for him not her. He’s a fucking idiot and I wish I could just make him vanish. And then when I ignore him or say NO! He then starts to turn it on me. Think it’s best for her, we should be doing this, he can understand that IM not ready but maybe in the future. Blah, blah, blah.

He is delusional! I don’t want to spend time with him and I’m the one who’s supposed to be the one who has forever love and commitment for him. If he’s moved on, the grass is greener, he can’t be with me. Then why the hell would he want to even see me?! Doesn’t make any sense in my head.

He has also started asking about my every move. Where have you been? Where are you going? What you doing? All of which takes place in front of our DD. Which he will do on purpose because he knows I won’t create a scene in front of her. And let’s not forget that I am NC but have a bloody leech attach to me, when it’s convenient for him. Oh and he’s out with his friend then and on a stag do here! Go and live your perfect life and stop talking to me!

NB,

NC is meant for no new hurts, no personal stuff forwarded, only discuss DD & finances, He doesn't get to have a say in what, who, & where you go anymore. He's still looking for ego kibbles.

If he's still being a pain in the ass esp when in front of your DD can you not ask a friend to be there at drop off & pick up?

Literally freeze him out completely,

It really sounds like this is the only thing that may actually give him a glimpse into his future as a part time dad.

I know Bigblueeyes ego kibbles defo! But he can see his DD whenever he likes almost so why would he want time together?! I don’t want time together so why should he? It’s weird. No personal details have been shared and I managed to deflect all questions. I’m not entirely sure what to think anymore. I’m sure many men go through this cake eating stage and their end goal is different. It does create new hurts and makes my mind start over again.

I’m not sure if I would prefer for him to be with OW because if that does end but he continues with this future plan and us be apart then that’s hard to deal with. I have thought time and time again that he would then change his mind and want to come back. It’s ridiculous really because when I feel in control I don’t want him and I am happy to build a new life but then he throws spanner’s in the work which makes me doubt everything that’s gone before.

I see the benefits of NC on me, him and the situation I just need to continue.

You're doing a great job! Let me tell you what your future holds. You will move on and create your own life. You and your H will eventually be casual friends again. You'll call him up for advice about laying a tile floor and he will ring you about some gossip he heard about a mutual acquaintance. You'll argue sometimes a little over the best plan for your daughter, but by five years out, you will get along fine.

However you will NEVER find yourself missing being with him. Your world will be full of peace and stability. You will always be shaking your head at the constant drama and chaos in his life. Because in these next few years when you really pull away and get distance from him, everything will become clear. As you escape from your orbit around him, you will realize that all this turmoil you felt belonged to him. It was a direct result of being close to somebody who has no stable center. It will be an intense relief to you to finally know for sure it was him that was messed up, not you.

You will create a happy, serene home for your daughter. You will get upset sometimes about how his drama impacts her, but you just have to suck it up and write it off to things that happen when you pick the wrong person. Even if they tricked us, in reality, we often closed our eyes to some serious red flags because we wanted what they offered.

Maybe you'll find love again. Honestly that part doesn't really matter as much as people might think it does. You've mentioned the freedom and you're right...it's exhilarating and wonderful. You will have good friends, a great relationship with your child, fun travel, and you will find yourself smiling spontaneously and walking with a bounce in your step.

I know the scary part is losing somebody who has been such a huge part of your life. That part paralyzed me for a while. But eventually he will be a part of your life again. He's your child's dad so you will always be linked. But eventually he will be a friend who no longer has access to your heart. You will roll your eyes and thank God you don't have to deal with the drama anymore. You will be 100% sure that you'd never take him back if he begged you, because you will be able to clearly see how toxic he is to the lovers in his life.

You've had moments of clarity already about how much happier and more authentic your life to be without him as your partner, and you are right. The faster you get away from him the quicker this will happen. You're so close already!

NB... I’m so sorry you’re so confused but I’m afraid it’s all about ego kibbles. While he still has contact with you he can manipulate and control you, that’s evident by the fact every time he texts or you see him you start wondering what he’s thinking. I can tell you exactly what he’s thinking ‘I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing and I’ll be damned if she moves on because she needs to sit weeping over me... me, me... ME’. This is a serial cheat, he’s had what he wants when he wants for the past few years, he’s not going to want to give that up quickly.

My WH did exactly the same while he was with his AP, (he also left his young family). He didn’t want to give me up. It sucked for him. He wanted her but he wanted me too, we filled different voids in him. Voids he himself needs to fill. He was cake eating for a very long time. I coparented with him, and just like you, he had access to his family and we did special days together during most of his affair and while separated because I wanted that for the children (my personal circumstances). But I was under no illusions that he wasnt cake eating. It took him a good few months to realise the AP was a fantasy and he left her BUT months later, we’re still separated because he has huge voids to fill and I’ll not be put at risk again, although we both hope he’ll be able to do it, and he’s finally working hard.

Every time you give his thought processes head space you play into his game and it’s more time he’ll eat cake and more time you’ll have to wait until you find out if he’ll ever pull that arrogant, manipulative, broken head out his arse!

You’re doing great... Huge hugs!

ETA please try to put yourself first and work on healing. You have had a huge trauma and all your head space needs to go into healing yourself. Keep reading all you can, knowledge is power. The more you understand affair psychology the easier this bullshit is to deal with!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 11:34 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Hedothprotest - that is an amazing post. I will have to keep coming back to it. So heartfelt and true. I need to think about me and my DD. And when this happens I’m in a better place. This happens when I have the strength to focus and march on my path. It’s so difficult at times to prevent these little steps backwards but I have to take credit for the big ones I have taken forward. You’re spot on with the turmoil and complications that belong to him and his world. The minute I step away from these I feel free. I haven’t until now linked the two. I feel like a am floating and that’s because I am in a clean space with no drama or mess that he creates.

Dragonfly - I need to remind myself that I am not going to be able to control him or his decisions and my mind starts this when he tries to cake eat and get ego kibbles. We have a lot of mutual friends which doesn’t help. All having their day and no doubt have told him recently that I’m in a good place and moving on. Oh shit, he has to change tact now. Plus he’s got OW messing with his head. He loves such a complicated life and this is something if anything i dont want to be part of.

I get cross with myself that I end up like this. I haven’t cried today or for the last few days, which is good and I do see strength in my actions more each day.

Everything DF & Hdp said ^^^^^

As long as he has 1 foot in the door he has a eye on what you are doing, who you are with, where you are going, he will know when to amp up his own pity party, he will know when he needs to lay his feelings on thick, he won't let you move on as simply as he has or is.

He may or may not want you for himself but he definitely wants to pretend in La la land everything is still peachy within his 'family'

Stand tall & firm NB, look inside for that inner strength you have shown so many times before.

Stand up for what will make you happy, regardless of what he wants.

It has to be about you, your wants & your needs. Tell him to take his tool box (including that spanner & any other tool he wants to throw at you) & do 1.

I had to add the bracketed bit as that comment looked a little strange on its own

Oh Bigblueeyes it’s so bloody hard staying strong. If I read back though all my posts I bet they are up and and down all the way. I can see how his cake eating and controlling behaviour creeps back in when convenient for him. I came to the realisation a while ago that he doesn’t or hasn’t got the ability to give a crap about me anymore. He asked if I was eating enough?! Why the hell is there not people we can hire to sort these idiots out?! Someone who can explain in clear English of what they have done, consequences for actions and what they are to expect in the future. Why would he think that family days are good for DD?! The only person they are good for is him.

He keeps laying it on thick about how much he loves our DD, how she’s so well behaved for him, such a pleasure to be around! I know all these things because I am her main carer and have appreciated all her qualities for the last 3 years. I can’t understand his logic here. He’s said his obsession with OW stops him from having quality time with her and that’s important. That’s a good thing, but can’t help myself wait for the next time he’s trapped in a trance with OW.

Despite all his drama I have managed to enjoy a birthday meal with friends who care so much for me and DD and spent the afternoon playing.

So for sale sign has gone up today. Sad but also happy time. I’ve cleared 4 bin bag full of crap from the house. Got all WH books out and all photo albums to give him. Our wedding album that I put in the bin, which he took out and had in his work bag has no reappeared in my bookcase. I’ve also found my 30th birthday book he made me. I read it and smiled. Cried at the end when it concluded with he birth of my DD.

Off out to my friends for tea - onwards and upwards.

Sorry to post again but it’s a must.

So rewind a couple of days and he who isn’t obsessed with OW and won’t meet her locally has seen her yesterday and brought her locally. Nice meal and trip to the cinema! Why am I so shocked?! My blood is boiling! I have found his out through our joint account - which is in the process of being separated. Which will be a good thing but then I won’t have the little reminders that my WH is a complete snake! I don’t know how he looks out DD in the eye.

Why the hell is there not people we can hire to sort these idiots out?! Someone who can explain in clear English of what they have done, consequences for actions and what they are to expect in the future.

Why pay when it's so easy to do yourself? Seriously, have you told this guy straight up that he might be your DD's father, but he's NOTHING to you?

Based on what you've posted the past few days, he's hellbent on working his fantasy, you know.. the one where you're the doting ex while he engages in his oh-so-cosmopolitan romantic conquests. He's trying to put you in a box he can keep on the shelf and drag down whenever he feels like playing the happy families for a few hours. That, and keeping you sweet so you don't skin him in the divorce.

I think if you can finally come to terms with "yes, he's really that guy", his tactics won't surprise you anymore. And tbh, I think it's fair to let him know that the overtures are unwelcome and that you think he's a snake who can feel free to crawl on his belly for the rest of his life just so long as he does it somewhere else.

Don't get me wrong, there's no substitute for NC and it actually ADDS kibbles to give a freak the attention he wants. But NC isn't ghosting. NC is letting that other person know that they are henceforth an unwanted entity and that you consider their continued efforts to be harassment. Then you ghost their dumb ass.

Your WH made a very stark choice... to leave his wife and family dynamic. You didn't do that. He did. But now he wants to half-ass it and treat it like it's not the either/or decision it actually was. You don't have to play that game with him. It's not incumbent upon you to be nice about it either. The guy is a cad who wants to convince you and everyone around him that he isn't. But he IS. And it's his problem to deal with that, not yours.

((hugs))

Chamomile tea you’re right about me being the person to point things out with my actions. Think I was thinking more communication from a hired person to explain things to him, as he’s in unicorn land and won’t listen to anyone. But why would he listen to a hired person, they’re pots for rags too aren’t they. There is only him who is walking this earth with a clear mind! My actions will speak far clearer than any liaison/advice someone could offer.

Me in a box on a shelf sounds depressing - that’s enough to keep me grounded and on my path to a future without him. No turmoil or drama. No ego kibbles, controlling, you didn’t pay me enough attention bullshit. My DD won’t be in a box either! So many of these posts are therapeutic and are nice reminders of what’s for the best and what will help me flourish. Don’t need a joint account to remind me he’s a snake when you all can. I like the bit about telling him to slither elsewhere! Might come out with that one at some point.

He is hell bent on trying to persuade everyone that he’s a hero and so kind to his family. Look he hasn’t made us homeless or made us financially unstable, what more could he have done?! Well not be a serial cheat and walk away from his family which he has lied to for 15 years.

This morning is a difficult one, let’s hope today gets better as it goes on. Woke up his morning after having a dream about WH. Stomach churning and anxieties back. It’s so hard to try and appreciate life at times like this. It’s also difficult to comprehend that I want something that has already been destroyed and doesn’t exist anymore. How can you want something that you don’t actually want?!

I read an article last night about loving your children and loving each other. It included what a real relationship/marriage should include to ensure love and connection remains. I felt like I had this not long ago but was I living a lie.