SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also, I want to add that I have my own experience with alcoholism in my family. I had a stepfather who was an alcoholic, very charming, very affectionate, very “into” being a Dad — except for those times when he repeatedly blew it all up with alcohol and rage. Now I have no contact with him, and it’s his loss.

Now, your WW isn’t a rageaholic, evidently. But she is combining alcoholism with adulterous behavior. She is exactly the woman described in Proverbs 30:20, and really ponder that verse for a moment. Written more than 3,000 years ago.

Here’s what you need to think about, gently: As charming and fun and gracious as your wife may be when she’s not hitting the sauce, as loving as she may seem, her ACTIONS otherwise do not suggest love. They suggest something else.

From what you’ve told us here, I do believe you are romanticizing your marriage to this woman, a bit. It’s almost like the opposite of the phenomenon of adulterers rewriting the history of their marriage as an Arctic hellscape in order to justify their adultery. If you think about it, and really ponder what you’re faced with here, you may realize you’re doing the same thing in reverse -- giving her too much credit for happy moments that should be routine in a healthy marriage.

I don’t mean to be insulting or judgmental. I just want to urge you to step back and try to view this with as much clarity as you can. Was this really a loving marriage, or have you been telling yourself that as the “parent” trying to fix her and hoping for a marriage you deserve? If the latter, then brother you are so much better off getting yourself out of this situation and finding a quality woman who will TRULY honor and love you.

Wow. Just wanted to say thank you for the responses and support again. Particularly the recents from yall, thumos and M1965. Just well articulated and spot on thoughts and advice I needed to read at this exact moment tonight.

I needed to be reminded that there is a better woman out there for me and I fully agree with that and look forward to focusing on myself and meeting her someday. Starting to come around and see all of the good that should eventually come out of this, though if I'm being honest I'll have plenty of dark moments where I forget or don't believe this. I am not looking forward to the work and pain it will take to get past that - still gonna take a while.

Also, I did get counseling, which was needed and very therapeutic. You all were spot on again. It's like you've been through this before or something.. Thanks crew.

Just my 2 cents.

Marriage is a marathon not a sprint. Your wife tripped at the starting line this early on.

The easiest/most healthy response is to divorce her. If she wants to get remarried, she has to earn you back.

Tell her you would consider dating her if she is a better person, but you aren't waiting for that to happen.

Once you start dating again, see if you keep comparing the women to your XWW. It will give you clarity on if you want to try again. Then it is your choice. You are going into it with your eyes wide open. You will be more gunshy with putting a ring on her finger and she will have to accept that as a consequence of how she treated your love before.

Divorce isn't the end. I know lots of divorced couples that get back together. It just says that the marriage wasn't working because one of the people in it couldn't handle the load without the fear of the other person bailing.

Tell her you would consider dating her if she is a better person, but you aren't waiting for that to happen.

Once you start dating again, see if you keep comparing the women to your XWW. It will give you clarity on if you want to try again. Then it is your choice.

I think this is good advice, and a version of what I and others have been saying.

She already divorced you, in any case, with such behavior so soon into the marriage.

So in response to that point you're echoing,... It is tempting and makes sense. Is it healthy though? I'm concerned that leaving the door open with even that small a crack could lead to more unnecessary pain that is drawn out.

I did the whole break up 'but maybe..' thing in college 10 yrs ago and it just prolonged an average relationship and ended up making the suffering way worse and drawn out. I guess the difference here is I would need to be firm about waiting to see the transformation.

Still concerned I'll be more likely to reserve some part of my heart to waiting and hoping she gets better. And what if she fools me, I take her back, she cheats again. Cycle repeats. More time wasted. More pain. She got me really good this time, I'd like to think I'm wiser now but hey, maybe she gets better at faking and hiding it the second time around.

(Playing devils advocate here because in above situation, chances are I'll start dating at some point and realize before too long that I'm better off with someone else..)

Does anyone have experience with divorce and date working or aiding in healing?

You have received excellent advice here. You know what to do.

Look at it this way ... there are over 7.5 billion people in the world. Half of them are female. That means there are billions of women out there that you have never met ... many that are a better option. She clearly has shown that she is not wife material.

Thanks, looking forward to moving on. I know a few said to wait to make a decision which is why I tried to consider R, but that thought just made me sick so didn't go far. There was a reason I asked her to leave the house right away. Pretty crazy and sad how messed up she is to pull what she did, I haven't even mentioned the type he is or some of the stuff I found in the texts, ultimately didn't matter. Can't imagine how she is going to try to spin that and what her family and friends are going to think. Her poor mom and dad are such nice people, if they get even half the story they'll be devastated too.. And for me not her. They'll be so mad at her. I'll miss them.

Please pray for an easy divorce. You all probably won't be surprised to hear that I brought all the assets to this marriage too. Damn I feel dumb..live and learn. Other than that would be sad to see the pups go. Hopefully she is too wrapped up in whatever fantasy world she is living in to want that responsibility.

Good news is I get to keep all of the friends that matter. I have some fantastic ppl surrounding me and I know I am loved by them and will be supported and eventually will find someone so so so much better.

She can keep the shitty ppl she works with who must know or will know soon what happened and she can keep a guy with as much character and backbone as she has. I don't think I'll ever make sense of it.. Very sad to have lost my 'partner'.

I suppose the trauma will be worth it before too long but damn this will leave a mark.

Thanks, looking forward to moving on. I know a few said to wait to make a decision which is why I tried to consider R, but that thought just made me sick so didn't go far.

For reconciliation to work, both people have to be 100% committed to it. If you know in your heart that this is a deal-breaker for you, it is wisest to move on. As you say, there are many other people out there for you.

Pretty crazy and sad how messed up she is to pull what she did, I haven't even mentioned the type he is or some of the stuff I found in the texts, ultimately didn't matter.

If we try to analyze affairs using rational thought, we will get several headaches and no answers. That is because they are not the product of reason, but of acting on a selfish whim and throwing caution to the wind.

It will not take long for the wheels to fall off the wagon when it comes to your wife's relationship with her boyfriend, and she has put herself in a no-win position with the people at work. She will wind up being hit on by every bum on the make who works there.

At some point - maybe soon, maybe in a few years - she is going to understand what she threw away for nothing.

Can't imagine how she is going to try to spin that and what her family and friends are going to think. Her poor mom and dad are such nice people, if they get even half the story they'll be devastated too.. And for me not her. They'll be so mad at her. I'll miss them.

If you like her parents, it might be an idea to let them know - gently - what has happened, and why you are breaking up. Just so you do not wind up with some false story about it being your fault being circulated. "She has acted inappropriately with more than one man that she works with, and she is currently having an affair with one" is as detailed as it needs to be.

Please pray for an easy divorce. You all probably won't be surprised to hear that I brought all the assets to this marriage too. Damn I feel dumb..live and learn. Other than that would be sad to see the pups go. Hopefully she is too wrapped up in whatever fantasy world she is living in to want that responsibility.

It is best to try and keep things amicable and business-like. It sounds like you have a bit of leverage in having the evidence of the messages and the nature of the affair, which your wife would not want being widely known about. I only mention that in case she starts to play rough, but the best thing is to discuss any moves with your attorney, because he or she will build a strategy for you, based on what you want.

Good news is I get to keep all of the friends that matter. I have some fantastic ppl surrounding me and I know I am loved by them and will be supported and eventually will find someone so so so much better.

That is good to hear. Sometimes people can end up isolated after a divorce, because all friends are mutual, and some side with the other spouse. It sounds like you have a very good support network around, who will be there for you, and who may even know some good candidates for you to date.

Being confident that you can have a good life without your wayward spouse is something many betrayed people struggle with. Logically, we all know we can function without a particular person, but emotionally it can be hard to reach that point where we can think, "You know what? I am going to be okay". It will help you move on positively and build the next phase of your life.

Very sad to have lost my 'partner'. I suppose the trauma will be worth it before too long but damn this will leave a mark.

A really hard thing about infidelity is that it makes us re-assess our significant other in light of what they have done to us. That often means letting go of the perfect image we have created around them in our heads and our hearts, even if we reconcile with them.

Accepting the difference between the image we created and treasured, and the reality of that person really is, can hurt like Hell. Everyone hates going through it.

However, it is better to face that process than to hide from it and cling on to a hollow and false image. And that is as vital for people wishing to reconcile as for those who are calling it a day and moving on.

Many, many people divorce and go on to have long, happy lives with new partners. I am sure you can be one of them. The future can be whatever you want to make it.

Thanks again M1965. Really appreciate your comments.

I am piecing more and more together as my mind clears and strongly believe this is way way worse and runs far far deeper than she is letting on. I fully recognize she is not who I thought she was and am 100% done.

Unless someone has amazing advice or help, I feel I will struggle most with the fact that I just did not recognize this earlier. She was so adamant that I was her everything and she would never do anything like that to me etc and I really shouldn't be so worried. Saying problems weren't problems. Always having a reasonable enough sounding lie and a promise to make it better. This is what will eat at me. How did I not know how could she do this and how I continued to buy it for so long.

I'm questioning the past with a forward vision now. How can I trust my next relationship to even grab a single drink after work with her friends now? What do I need to fix in myself to be able to do this? Have I totally lost touch with setting boundaries and how do I know what boundaries are healthy. Is this even a problem in healthy relationships? What does that look like? I like to be in control so I've been fighting this battle of not being overbearing and setting healthy boundaries. Did I fail or just get dealt a really bad hand? How could I pick her as a partner? Yes, I was a different younger person when we met but we grew together or so I thought and I thought this person was a good life partner and got married just 2 years ago.

I am questioning now that I have maybe not had a strong healthy romantic relationship in my entire life. Maybe I don't know what that looks like. My parents are happy wonderful people together, I thought my relationship was similar but now I know it wasn't even close. Where did I not recognize problems or fail to set boundaries? I don't blame myself for this at all. But this is a special degree of emotional and psychological trauma that will stay with me and I need to overcome. This I feel is what will consume my thoughts and energy for a long time.

Any thoughts? Am I thinking and feeling the right way about this? Any tips on how to tackle? How to reset, deal with the above problems, grow as a person, prepare myself to be a better partner to myself and future significant other?

How did I not know how could she do this and how I continued to buy it for so long.

It's their actions (not their words) that ultimately give them away. You are not alone. Love and trust tends to blind us to their actions for a long time.

With respect to boundaries, I suggest you read (maybe study): "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

In your future relationships, observe their boundaries or lack there of. There are plenty of reliable life partners out here. Don't argue about it or try to fix them - just move on to protect yourself.

I am questioning now that I have maybe not had a strong healthy romantic relationship in my entire life. Maybe I don't know what that looks like.

You will know what that looks like when you meet the right partner.

You did nothing wrong. You were wronged. The first thing to do, which you are, is to eliminate the wrong partner. Disassociate from the people who wronged you.

All the worries you bring up will be resolved, and you will be very happy, when you associate with the right people. Use this bad experience to calibrate your "picker" to find the right person and new friends. Get out there and give yourself that opportunity, and do not look back.

Like you, Awful, my parents had a good marriage. They were only married 45 years because my Dad passed away at 69. I thought I could have a marriage like that.

I struggled with what I didn't see, didn't recognize, denied, whitewashed, too. A lot of that was based on what I now know but didn't know then.

In my second last session with my IC she asked me if I had forgiven myself for the things I didn't do. She asked this because I was still berating myself, dwelling on those things, still. I hadn't. Hadn't even thought about it. It really helped.

As far as going forward you, like I, will have more perception about red flags and gut feelings. I think we have got a hard education with a very large tuition. My IC recommended a book "Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Kee3p - Love" by Levine and Heller. I found it a good inciteful read.

I've read your thread AAD and am strongly in favor of divorce. Your WW planned to meet up with the OM before she started drinking. She had an affair going on outside of any alcohol. She's also a serial cheater; just kissed the second guy? That's what they all say. Save yourself and divorce her as quickly as possible. Let everyone know what's going on so they know how to support you. Take your freedom back. Don't overthink this. She's messed up in the head and will continue to do what she's doing. Save your current and future self. You'll look back some day and thank yourself for getting out while the getting was good. There will never be a better time to cut her loose. Take care of yourself.

Some updates for everyone who has commented or read.

1. Met with lawyer. Papers are ready for her to sign now. Says I have very little to worry about should be quick and easy. Earliest we can submit is Monday. Plan to ask her to do this weekend so lawyer can get that filed stat.

2. Family has been ridiculously supportive which has surprised me a bit. Very cool to see, they are religious and I thought they may be against divorce. But they totally understand and stand 100% behind that as the right decision considering circumstances.

3. Friends also incredible. They're as shocked as I am. But literally everyone I've told has been so supportive, and said - whatever you need, we're all here for you. Two couples even said they don't lock their doors so just walk in whenever and don't even think twice about staying over haha. So loved and it is genuine. My free time is already booked for the next two weeks with friends reaching out making plans and supporting me through this.

4. Tests came back clean.

5. Got a promotion.

I know there are still dark days ahead but this has been a very good day. A weight has been lifted. I am no longer worrying when she is gone or stuck having to parent her. It's also becoming more and more apparent that the other pieces of my life are pretty great and I have a lot to be thankful for. I am blessed but also have done a lot of the right things, made tough decisions, sacrificed and worked very hard to get to this point in my career, to have so many strong friends, be financially stable and so much more.

Congratulations on the promotion, Awful. Good news about the tests.

So maybe today is just one “awful”....?

Your questions are very insightful and I would highly recommend some IC to explore them with someone trained to help you find answers. If you broke your foot and were worried about your future as a runner you would see a doctor, right? Same thing.

In particular you might want to explore how you picked as a wife a woman who needed more of a parent than a husband. You mention you like to be “in control” and that may play a part in it. I am a “fixer” too, and while there is a good side to that I also had to face the self-destructive side as well. IC was very helpful.

You will be fine in the end, I know.

Have you informed the OBS yet?

Thanks. Yes I'm in weekly therapy now. Started earlier this week.

No obs. Sorry didn't answer earlier, prob just didn't want to talk about the guy. He is prob 5 yrs younger, wanna be frat bro but too awkward to really fit into that crowd, I wouldn't think he'd be capable of a real relationship at this stage in his life. I met him a few times at hh. someone was making fun of him, something like he recently moved out of his parents place, mattress was on his floor for a while or maybe still is.

[This message edited by Awfulawfulday at 10:25 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

Yeah I need to spend more time on that one, but I think I'll be alright. 6 years ago I saw an attractive intelligent woman who was exciting and fun. There were warning signs and problems but as the relationship grew those subsided and we cared deeply for each other. We moved to a new city a few years ago and that helped. We created new healthy friendships and surrounded by quality people. Things were really good and we were building a great life together, active, traveling etc, but ultimately I believe she regressed when she started the new job and was surrounded by singles and drinking culture.,or maybe that's what she really wanted all along and just realized it?

Anyway, I would be shocked if I decided to ignore similar warning signs again in the future. I'm older, I know what I want now. My standards have been raised. I'll unpack that further with therapy. But If anything I am actually more worried that I'll be quick to run now that I may be prone to bail on false positives. And I think I'm in a healthy enough place to work through any potential depressive spells (that may come with this) through therapy and not by lowering my standards.

Time will tell for all of that, patience is key, being content with who I am and where I am in life, not settling just because I am lonely. Recognizing it is usually more than half the battle. Won't always be easy but that's just part of life.

Good for you man. Brighter days ahead for you Plenty of better women out there.

I would recommend reading The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage by Dr. Shawn T. Smith