SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Never thought I’ll be posting this online...

I am 33 and I’ve been married to my husband for 5 yrs but we have been together since high school. So I’m looking at 18yrs of our relationship. He and I were each other’s one and only. He has been my best friend, my center, my everything.

We started having problems and constantly bickering I will say- a bit before the birth of our 2nd son- so abt 2- 3 yrs ago.

I’ve begged to go to counseling however it fell on deaf ears for the majority of the time. I’ve been told the most hurtful things - always targeting my insecurities and over the years moved from being confident to inward and introverted. Always blaming myself for our arguments and not feeling good enough..anyways...

So this year he had a work training thing in Another country for 5 mths which I begged him not to go to but he insisted it was for work so I gave in. Whilst there we had several arguments a lot of hurtful things were said. I poured my heart out on text msgs to him abt how I felt.. I even had a near death experience and had to have emergency surgery....all the while my instincts were kicking in and I knew he was having a relationship with a woman he started jogging with. I asked him over and over and he vehemently denied.... it’s quite a long story but to cut it short- he was cheating on me with this person while he was over there and continued it when he returned home. They even shared I Love You. I have NEVER been this devastated in my entire life and believe me- I’ve been through some shit!

Today is his birthday..he has been out of the house since Aug 10th and we are co parenting. I don’t know what to do- I HATE him most times- but then I miss him sometimes...I want to be rid of him and then emotions— I feel so ALONE in all of this—I feel as if I’m slowly going down a destructive path...please help..

I'm very sorry you qualify for membership here, but I'm glad you found us. You'll get a large number of opinions, and with a little luck, at least one will help you.

To start, what you're going through - the sense of devastation, getting whipsawed by desires now to jump his bones, now to hire a hit man - are normal. Probably every BS (betrayed spouse) who comes here experiences these awful thoughts and feelings for a lot longer than anyone want them to last.

So, relax as much a you can, and ride the waves. The roller coaster will eventually slow down and then stop.

I strongly recommend reading this: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250 - if it makes sense to you, print it out and give it to your H to read and to discuss, if possible (I was in too much pain to discuss it at first.) Present it as something you found on the web.

DO NOT tell your H about SI for now and for a long while.

I suggest browsing the 'Healing Library' (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp), reading the stuff that catches your eye, and coming back with your questions and concerns.

More reading: I just bumped a number of threads in the JFO forum. They'll be on the first page identified with bull's eyes. Again, I recommend browsing in general and reading anything that looks relevant to you.

In the JFO forum you'll get 2 types of opinions. One type will tell you to D or R immediately. Another type will aim at helping you figure out the best resolution for you. I recommend placing more weight on the 2nd type.

And remember: you can survive and thrive, even though you've been betrayed. You may not be able to retrieve your M, but you can thrive, with or without your H.

Candy,

It will help us to give you guidance if you can share a little more about your circumstances. How did you find out? Was there a confrontation? Did he deny and trickle-truth about it? Did he confess/come clean at any point? Is he still seeing/talking to her? Is this his only infidelity?

The reason I ask is that a marriage cannot be reconciled unless BOTH parties are fully committed. If you as the BS are on the fence that is perfectly OK, but the WS must be all-in and willing to do some very hard work for R even to be an option. Read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald if you want to learn what a truly remorseful "re-builder" needs to do.

I am so sorry you are suffering so. We know....

So...My suspicions were confirmed by chance,..we went to an event with the kids and he gave me his phone so I can send the pics to myself. Just some more background - typically we had each other’s password but when he returned from his trip - like many other WS- he became secretive, changed passwords, always hid when he was on his phone...anyways...

So he unlocked his phone n gave it to me to send the pics. That’s when I saw the girl’s name in his “frequently contacted” not even me, his wife was in the frequently contacted. So stopped talking to him and abt a week after I waited till he fell asleep and used his finger print to get access to his phone. I saw multiple conversations with this girl, what’s App calls when he was with my son at soccer practice, text msgs , multiple pictures of her by herself when they were in the other country... so I told him to set up an appt to see the counselor.

I told myself that I’ll give him a chance to come clean by asking him simple questions- “how often you talked to her” “ have you get called her” etc...to which he lied...then I confronted him to which he seemed angry that I did...I walked out...

When he came home that’s when the trickle truth process began....the first night he admitted to just one kiss....the next day he swore in on my kids life that nothing else happened. The day after he admitted to getting physical with her a second time after I prodded and probed....the. He said feelings developed. Funny thing is on his second tryst was when he found out from his mother that I had emergency surgery and could have almost died... I never told him I had to go hospital because I locked off communication with him while he was on his trip. So he said when he heard I had surgery to do from someone else and not me, he got so angry that he decided to have his affair a second time..I asked him for intimate details and he made it seem like it was just kissing and little groping..

Then the Trickle truth continued a couple weeks after where I told him I had some questions and if he ever loved me he would answer honestly....that’s when he admitted that he and her exchanged I Love Yous...that clothes came off and they did some things that I don’t think I need to mention here...that when he came home they both tried to block each other’s numbers but then they started back talking because of a project and that he found she was a “good friend” and he wanted to maintain the “good friendship “...that’s what he told me before he admitted the “I love you” exchanges

Just last weekend I asked him for his phone and I still found pictures of her there and also a couple on his Instagram which I asked him to delete and he made it seem as though he was not looking at it the way I made it seem...he even started to get annoyed that I was doing that and he said he had to leave because he had to go to work the next morning....I am typing this and the anger is tearing its ugly head again....he says eh wants to make it work and he just made a mistake and I shouldn’t throw away 18yrs of our relationship for his one mistake...my thing is, he doesn’t appear truly apologetic ...he hasn’t humbled himself to what he did....it’s as though he is making excuses for what he did and I am part to blame “because we were having issues...I was not talking to him....he didn’t know I was so hurt in our relationship “ etc... AM I WRONG FOR TELLING HIM THIS IS ALL HIM???

AM I WRONG FOR TELLING HIM THIS IS ALL HIM???

Nope - this is all on him. You were unhappy as well and did the right thing by telling your husband and suggesting you go for help. He instead, tuned out of the marriage and gave his time, physical and mental energy to someone else. Please read the 180 in the healing library (in the upper left hand corner box). Do not play the pick me dance, tell family and friends for support, nothing kills an affair faster than the light of day. You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. Let him see what he is about to lose.

Oh Candy I am so sorry. Your story sounds a lot like mine, or at least I had a lot of the same thoughts you are experiencing. You got some great advice from sissoon and Odonna already. I will second to please read up in the healing library and consider implementing the 180.

Unfortunately, your WH's TT is a pretty common occurrence around SI. And NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR TELLING HIM WHAT YOU DID. This shit he did is all on him. I've said it a hundred times on here and this makes 101 - Even if you were the worst spouse in the world (which you were NOT), nothing excuses his choice to cheat. If he starts with the "it was partly your fault because there were issues in our M"... that is some classic WS blameshifting bullshit right there. NOPE. NOOOOOOPE. None of the affair was your fault, not even 'partly'.

*If he is not acting apologetic, he is not apologetic.

*If he is continuing his "good friendship" with his affair partner (AP), he is still actively cheating.

*Even if you leave him, YOU are NOT throwing away your M - he did that when he chose to engage in an inappropriate relationship with another woman.

*If he is 'annoyed' with you for mistrusting him, he is still actively cheating.

*Your up and down emotions are completely normal - they don't call it the rollercoaster for nothing.

*MC (marriage counseling) is a waste at this time IMHO. Until and unless he shows that he is sorry for being a lying cheating POS, MC will do absolutely nothing constructive and could actually make things worse (In my case, our MC actually told me that the best way for me to process it was to "not bring it up again", which is horseshit. You can bet my Xdouchehole just loooooved hearing that).

*The shit part is that it is so easy to lull yourself into a false sense of security and rugsweep it, but that will backfire 100% of the time. You deserve to be treated with respect and honor and he is doing neither of those things right now. Please don't waste more of your life and precious time trying to make him be 'sorry'.

*You cannot control him or the outcome (hard as that is to admit). You can only control yourself and your actions.

Sending you lots of hugs! I am so sorry you had to find SI.

Guys I genuinely appreciate you replying to my posts...I really felt alone in this entire ordeal and I’m really glad I came across this forum...I wished I did sooner though because I made some really dumb choices and being on this sooner would have given me the strength I needed...

I just did some speed reading of the 180 and felt immediately ashamed of myself because I still feel I’m under his control...

I have had sex with him 4 times since His admittance...It’s not that I want him back- it’s just that I want to feel something...unfortunately he knows me . He knows I’m not just going to be out there sleeping around. I have to feel connected to a person and he knows he is my only connection. I know based on what I read in the 180 that this isn’t healthy for me... I feel trapped, I feel weak... I need the strength....has this ever happened to any of you?

I’m new here too. You’re far from being alone.

Yup, I did everything you’re talking about with my exh. I found the book “codependency now” to be very helpful to understand myself and my relationship with (at the time) husband.

I made every mistake with my exh and doomed the little part left of the marriage to ruin. Do follow the folks here. They are right on target with the 180. That all said it’s never too late to start.

NC will be the hardest thing to do when your body screams for connection. It’s challenge to learn. Take it one day at a time.

Remember there’s a part of a brain chemistry thing going on with sex. When woman have sex our brains bond with the guy. This connection can last up two weeks and leave us desiring more. If you can think of the sex as a chemical desire to bond and its an empty bond....it might help you to stay away from having sex. Why chemically bond with hubby right now?

Wishing you the best.

Do not be so hard on yourself - and you have no reason to feel shame - your world has been turned upside down and you were just scrambling for a foothold. It's called hysterical bonding ... (HB) no worries - if anything take some small pleasure in knowing that would probably infuriate OW. Also if he brings it up, you might want to throw in something like "well I guess if I could f*ck you after this sh*t, I could f*ck anybody!" that seemed to open my FWS eyes. Moving forward, take care of yourself and your children. As some here have said, stop being his wife, he fired you when he stared having an affair. NC with him unless it's about the children or finances. hugs to you {{Candy}}

Ohh I’m DEFINITELY using that quote from you..lol...love it!

I really wished I had found this forum sooner...just from reading all these experiences and survivor stories, I feel a bit more empowered and a bit less alone...

Thanks folks , I’ll definitely be posting more in the coming days just to keep myself afloat 🤗

Candy honey you are SO not alone. I wish there was no need for a site like this, but thank goodness it's here.

On the HB - I went through it too and thought I was literally going insane. Read up on it - it is not all that uncommon. And please don't beat yourself up on what you've done 'wrong'. This is such a mindfuck that it is hard to know which way is up, much less make reasoned and logical decisions!! All of us BS's get it!

Just read the articles, and take care of yourself. Eat, drink lots of water, and sleep. Force yourself to do the first two (I set timers on my phone for those) and take sleep meds for the last one if you have to. Also, think about seeing a lawyer just to get information on what R/D look like in your situation. A lot of lawyers do free consults. At my county courthouse there is a free legal clinic for family law twice a week, so maybe look into that too. I know the lawyer thing is really scary, but the more info you have right now the better you are. On that note - please get STD tested asap.

Hugs! You will get through this no matter what shakes out of it.

Hi Candy, sorry you are dealing with this but you found the right place.

I can TOTALLY relate to your situation. In 42 but my WW and I were HS sweethearts, both each others firsts and only, one great son (early teen).

First of all, this is not your fault. Every marriage has ups and downs but nothing justifies having an A. He is doing and saying everything cheaters say. A mistake is running a stop sign while distracted. He has needed to make thousands of decisions and choices to keep this going. Not a mistake.

Throwing away 18 years....he's done that. I would take charge, find that confident, extrovert and tell him how it's going to be or he can expect divorce papers. Take control of this.

Hey Ellie- About 1 week or so after DD I did in fact see a lawyer..I’ve seen 2 actually to understand the process and what I was in for if I actually chose to go ahead. Boy was that entire experience intimidating and quite frankly scary...I was totally driven by anger at that time...

I am really trying to eat right get some sleep etc..I’m unfortunately a stress eater - I’m trying to get that under control..I’m also doing therapy. In my last session I told my therapist I need to hang on to my anger a bit more because I’m feeling it slipping and if that happens I’m afraid I’ll let me guard down..and yes my HB “activities” doesn’t quite help- but one day at a time...

I’m also really and truly very sorry that you also had to go through this ordeal with your 1st L Jameson1977..it’s sucks big time....I will get back to the person I was before ...I need to...for my sanity and for my boys...life’s too short.

I always try to look at the message behind anything that happens in life- good or bad. This year has been QUITE an ordeal...but I needed this shake up...this reminder that I’m greater and better than who I’ve allowed myself to become over the last few years...I’ll find her back tho...

Candy I am glad you went to see a lawyer. I didn't do that for months after DDay!

Just take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. You're gonna be up and down for a while. I am almost 11 months out from DDay1 and 2 months out from DDay2 and I am still all over the place. I'm like you though - telling myself that I will get through this and will come out better and stronger on the other side of it.

Candy it appears you are coming from a place of love and kindness.

He apparently is not. During my H’s mid life crisis Affair he was rather cruel to me and nasty (not like that before). He picked apart my weaknesses and insecurities. He refused counseling. He refused to do anything to help us.

It finally stops when you have had enough and stop allowing him to treat you this way. If you don’t speak to him he cannot insult you or hurt you.

If you only discuss $ and kids via email or text or an app it may be better for you. Let him go find someone else to torture or belittle.

Remove yourself from being available to him. If you are speaking and he insults you - leave the room or hang up the phone. Continue to do that and he will find himself talking to no one.

I work for a verbally abusive boss. I now win every point because I never yell or get upset. I just maintain calm and fight him on points and facts. I get him to back down every time.

He needed to learn I’m not putting up with his verbal tirades. And he no longer pulls that crap with me.

Hey T1stW....I had actually started doing that before but he ALWAYS finds a way to wiggle back in...his trump card right now is our home. He says that he needs to come maintain the lawn/yard every weekend so it doesn’t get overgrown with weeds and he is into gardening- I am not- so he needs to make sure his plants are ok. I have asked him to come every other weekend...but somehow he stills ends up here every friggin’ weekend. But anyways...I have emailed him on and he agrees to what I’ve asked...this weekend will be the 1st after that email so let’s see. His other issue is that he pays half our mortgage but I really don’t allow him to come into the house or if he does I sort of stand by the door to hustle him out. I am tired of telling him that it’s because I need MY SPACE. I will admit with the Sex i May appear to him that I am softening. I need to get back MY CONTROL!

You are doing great (and your very best) in setting boundaries.

It sometimes takes longer for the cheater to see they no longer control the situation. You keep standing your ground. He will eventually see he ain’t all that and he’s not in control.

As far as his gardening, I’d suggest leaving when he shows up but the fact he comes in the house is not good so that means you still need to be there.

It appears as though he may “want” to return but without admitting anything or changing. We know that won’t work. Maybe he’s not so “happy” but is the type that won’t admit it either. So he wanders in or hangs around for those reasons.

Sorry you are in this situation. I hope it gets resolved soon. You are a smart girl and he’s just too dumb to realize what he has. And he’s an idiot for losing it IMO

So sorry you had reason to find this site, but welcome! Please take care of yourself & read and reread articles in the healing library and the bullseyed threads as you process things.

About your living arrangements, it sounds like were you the one to ask wh to leave the house, is this correct? If so, how did he react? Either way, where is he living now - it will have an effect on things going forward.

Thanks for the advice ED. I was actually the one who asked him to move out. He did not take it too well...the tears, the theatrics. But he packed a bag and went to his parents..then 3 nights after he came back and said this is half his house and he is not going anywhere...I had to cry to get him to f*%#ing leave 🙄...anyways...he is currently at his parent’s place.

I feel he thinks he will be back home by Christmas or something...well he has a rude awakening coming..

In terms of the AP- she lives in another country...so the physical part ended when they both had to go back to their respective countries...however, the EA part of it continued online- as well as he admitted to a couple “indiscretions”...

He is harassing me to go to couple’s therapy. I’m not there yet though. I told him he needs to get therapy for himself and sort out his issues while I do the same for me then MAYBE I’ll entertain the CT (I will do it..just wanted to be a bit difficult)....I have not been hearing if he is doing it and quite frankly at this juncture I’m not going to ask. I need to get a hobby or a bit of a distraction...unfortunately with my surgery, I am limited with how much physical activities I can engage in...will love to go hiking or take some dance classes...but the pain kicks in after a bit...would you believe that throws me into a downward spiral..it is my BIGGEST trigger to this situation because I am reminded that he didn’t even care or feel for me that deeply to stop what he was doing- especially seeing me in pain lying next to him fore those 2 mths....he still maintained his affair...hmmm...it hits me like a ton of bricks everytime I think abt it from this angle..wow... now I have an additional expense because I have to hire someone to help clean the house because any unnecessary exertion leaves me In pain because apparently I’m not 100% healed internally.....ok at this point I’m venting ....apologies 😒

Hi Candy,

Have you found out who she is and if she is married? Please tell her husband/partner.

Stay strong. Big hugs.