SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So sorry that we connect here because of our broken hearts. I found some of these reads a bit in lighting. Wanted to share hoping it may make some sense to all our broken hearts and confused minds. 🤗 to all

What’s the difference between infidelity as a sign your marriage is over versus infidelity as a turning point towards a healthier, stronger relationship? You and your husband’s intentions for your future. Cheating in and of itself won’t necessarily end your marriage…it’s how you and your husband clean up after the infidelity that determines if you’ll stay together.

In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”

Don’t despair if infidelity is a factor in your marriage. Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger relationships – if they are genuinely sorry and sincere about saving their marriages. However, if your spouse cheated, you and he will need to do some serious work on moving forward in peace, forgiveness, and love.

Most people who have affairs are in love with their original partners. And most people who cheat aren’t cheaters. They aren’t liars and they aren’t betrayers and they aren’t bad. What they are is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes. We all will.

Affairs often aren’t about wanting the person who is the target of the affair, but about wanting the way that person meets a need. If the person having the affair could have anything, it would most likely be to have the person they love – the one they are hurting – to be the one to meet the need. But things don’t always happen the way we want. And needs get hungry and people get tempted.

I’m suspicious. I’m paranoid. I’m insecure. I’m scared. I don’t trust you. I never used to feel like this, but now I do. I want to trust you again and I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop checking and wondering and panicking when I can’t reach you, but I’m scared that if I stop, I’ll miss something. What can you do to help me feel safe.

What they are is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes.

Posts like this underscore why the general crowdsourced wisdom on sites like this is that MC is not only ineffective, but affirmatively negative, in the aftermath of infidelity. An affair is not a "mistake". An affair is the result of a series of decisions and choices, usually quite a few.

In most cases of infidelity, just as the cheating partner feels as if her or his needs aren't being met, the faithful partner also feels this. Yet only one of the two decides that the appropriate response is to fuck another person.

Your post reeks of trying to convince the BS to see things from the WS point of view and accept that what happened is understandable, and therefore okay. We call that rug sweeping. It's the worst advice you can give to a betrayed spouse. Explaining a thing is not the same as excusing a thing. Rug sweepinf almost always results is a festering sense of injustice in the heart of the betrayed spouse that infuses the marriage permanently.

My observation is that counselors with advice like yours view it as a "win", a notch on the belt, if they can duct tape a couple together long enough to make it out the door still together, no matter how dysfunctional they may be. It brings to mind dirty prosecutors who try to win at all costs, including using fabricated evidence. Telling a betrayed spouse "You drove your cheating spouse to cheat" is a bullshit message.

I agree that couples can reconcile from betrayal - IF the focus is on healing the trauma of the betrayed spouse. For that reason, couples dealing with betrayal would be well advised to run screaming from counselors like you.

And most people who cheat aren’t cheaters. They aren’t liars and they aren’t betrayers and they aren’t bad.

Bullshit. A person who shoots and kills another with a gun is a murderer. It doesn't matter whether they only do it once in life, or out of anger. A person who takes money that doesn't belong to him is a thief, even if he only does it once. We are each the sum of our choices. For sure, the one-time murderer or thief isn't just a murderer or thief. He or she may also be a school teacher, or a doctor, or a musician or poet or plumber or painter. But, among the various facets of being, that person is a murder or thief, just as a married person who fucks somebody outside of the marriage without the knowledge or consent of his or her spouse is a cheater, and in most cases, they have to sneak and lie to do this, making them a sneaking, lying, cheater.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:35 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

What’s the difference between infidelity as a sign your marriage is over versus infidelity as a turning point towards a healthier, stronger relationship?

Butforthegrace is spot on. I'd like to point out that the number of couples who go on to have healthier, stronger marriages after infidelity is exceedingly low. Most people have decent, good, or even great marriages before infidelity so healthier and stronger isn't always an obtainable goal in the first place.

Infidelity is like dropping a nuclear bomb on your marriage. I guess if your marriage was a dumpster fire, it's possible that all of your renewed focus could turn things around. But if that was the case then it didn't need an infidelity bomb in order to fix things. You could have just come to an agreement to fix the marriage.

And the infidelity hurts the BS the most. On average, it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity WITH a WS who is doing everything right.

Is this something you copied and pasted from someone else's website, Heartbleed? It really sounds like it's written by a counselor who isn't very knowledgeable about affairs and recovery from trauma.

And most people who cheat aren’t cheaters.

They are in fact just that. This topic is probably best in General but I couldn't let this pass by. Calling them something less than cheaters is a minimization that allows someone to normalize the behavior.

I agree that couples can reconcile from betrayal - IF the focus is on healing the trauma of the betrayed spouse.

Excellent statement. I'm sick and tired that the counselling in most cases is about those little darlings who lost their way in a pursuit of their unmet needs.

What about their abusing behaviour towards BS, the trauma that will stay with BSs for the rest of their lives, of ruined dreams and aspirations, of kids suffering in a broken family? All this is a secondary stuff for MC. They prefer to focus on the darlings' feelings first.

What’s the difference between infidelity as a sign your marriage is over versus infidelity as a turning point towards a healthier, stronger relationship?

NO, my marriage has not gotten stronger or healthier. It sucks because I do not trust my WH anymore and never will, no matter what he does, I do not have the same spark for him and it is irreversible, I hardly invest in a relationship with a person who is capable of such fundamental betrayal. It is not always practical to leave but make no mistake here, I would never equal being married to a faithful husband and to most remorseful cheater.

Ha, if only this were true. I wish there was no despair over the infidelity and it only led to a stronger marriage! Instead it resulted in a divorce and complete emotional destruction for me.

The most ridiculous part of this for me is "they aren't liars and they aren't betrayers and they aren't bad" What the hell are they then? In what parallel universe can someone cheat without being a liar or betrayer?

My WH’s multiple affairs were not mistakes. They were choices. He went so far as to find ways to hide them (secret email, second phone, etc.). He didn’t make an innocent mistake. He CHOSE to cheat for 10 years. When the first affair ended, he CHOSE to find a second one, third one, etc.

Please stop playing infidelity off as a mistake.

Imho marriages can only be healed when the cheater owns the trauma that has been inflicted on the betrayed and understands their role in the abuse and works tirelessly to make their betrayed safe, whilst working on the gaping hole in their soul that allowed them to cause such devastation. Anything less, will mean cracks are just being plastered over. From what I’ve read on here that’s what the vast majority of marriage counselling tends to do.

ETA I believe you must have copied this. Please read the books ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ and ‘not just friends’, they’d be a better starting point to understanding how you can move forward.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 5:00 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Everything you wrote sounds like you're trying to:

- justify and minimize your H's affair

- convince yourself he's still some kind of great person

- rationalize and justify why you're still with him

I see pretty much everything you wrote as bullshit

Most people who have affairs are in love with their original partners. And most people who cheat aren’t cheaters. They aren’t liars and they aren’t betrayers and they aren’t bad. What they are is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes. We all will.

You have got to be kidding me!!!

No No NO, people who cheat are CHEATERS!!!

Cheaters are definitely LIARS & BETRAYERS & yes some are most definitely BAD.

You don't destroy someones foundations, someones feelings, shatter every single happy memory to pieces, you do not destroy a persons whole world if you are genuinely in LOVE with them.

Cheaters, Liars, Betrayers, make that CHOICE when they are unfaithful to their Loved ones.

Every person I know who cheated did it because they wanted to. No one held a gun to their heads. They did it because they enjoyed it. NEVER believe any excuse because there isn’t one.

Heartbleed,

I don't know where you came up with that BULLSHIT, but that's exactly what it is.

"IF" I decide to attempt R with my WW, our marriage will NEVER be stronger than it was pre-affair(s). I will NEVER trust my WW like I once did. She knows I will ALWAYS be suspicious of her activities, knowing she has proven she has the capability to betray me and our marriage. She will accept the fact she will be living under a microscope from this point forward. We will both deal with the repercussions of her infidelity.

You won't get much support on this site for your point of view.

Sorry Heartbleed,

You’re WAY off

Hi Heartbleed, I think you should have put your post in quotes- to make it clearer that these thoughts are those of marriage coach Mort Fertel. Fertel's sugarcoating of infidelity stings betrayed spouses because it hints at putting the blame on the betrayed and saying that your marriage will be stronger after is not reality - the marriage is forever fragile. I've read your other posts and I think you want to find excuses for your husband's behavior. You are not far away from your dday and still grappling with so much pain. Unless your husband is doing the work to help you heal, (being honest, accepting the responsibility for cheating and answering all your questions) you are left to try to find excuses for him and excuses for yourself to stay in the marriage.