SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW won't kill herself. She has a shot at freedom now. There are too many dicks to suck out there. And she's a coward to boot. I'm not worried about her offing herself. It's me who she wants to off if she could find a way to do it short of murder. She already murdered my heart and soul, so my body is small change. I get it, I accept it.

If she were here she would be screaming that I am lying and being overly dramatic; but not two years ago I had a severe panic attack in my office (resulting from a separate issue to do with my business) and they thought I had a heart attack. She didn't even come to the E.R. Too much time and trouble. She just called and texted my office manager who was there with me to see how I was. I should have taken that episode as a sign of what she really thought of me.

Whatever is happening to make these double and triple postings...I wish the site administrator would get it fixed.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:11 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Wishing you nothing but the best.

I was just wondering if your lawyer has giving you a timeframe on when the divorce will be finalized

Good luck, and continue to stay strong

She didn't even come to the E.R. Too much time and trouble. She just called and texted my office manager who was there with me to see how I was. I should have taken that episode as a sign of what she really thought of me.

These little epiphanies will turn up from time to time. Roll with them. They are your brain's way of puzzling through a mystery you have been forced to confront.

On top of this, I often have noted this happening to BS's. On the BS side they were often in a "good marriage" as anyone would define it full of contentment, building a life, passion, and the typical ups and downs of any long-term relationship. Yet on further reflection, once they REALLY start to see their spouse for who they are, they will often realize the WS was not stepping up in the marriage in fundamental ways and was not offering them what a good spouse would. They realize their cheating spouse is nothing really special, never really was, and that they deserve so much more.

I think this may be happening to you now. So go out and get what you deserve, and leave her in the dust.

Since D-Day -- other than not doing some very fundamental things I asked for -- my WW has stepped up in a lot of other ways. She's been the "model wife" the past three years going forward. But this has also put her past behavior in stark contrast -- what I WASN'T getting before.

Westway,

Breathe. Deep in, and exhale slowly.

You are doing well, and the actions you have taken are the correct ones for you.

There will be times when you will want to rail against the world at the unfairness of it all, but that will pass in time.

Stay focused on the end objective, and keep calm.

Some good news. My lawyer called and said that my wife and her lawyer have agreed to the majority of the terms in the petition. We are still ironing out a few details. It looks like my WW has decided not to blow this whole thing up now that she knows I have way more on her than I originally let on.

And WW has been avoiding me like the plague. She hides her face and won't look at me at all when she's home. She was on the phone yesterday arguing with our older daughter. My older daughter is pissed as hell at her mom. I spoke with her this morning and asked her to refrain from getting involved anymore in this mess. I want her to concentrate on her studies. Its hard enough for a kid to deal with freshman year at a university without having to worry about her parents. It's our job to worry, not hers.

And WW has been avoiding me like the plague. She hides her face and won't look at me at all when she's home.

Clearly, her attorney got wind of exactly how much data you have and communicated that to her. She can't maintain the fiction that it was only three guys in one year any more, and a relatively recent event. Shame has to be eating her up inside now.

(I know, I said I wouldn't reply any more, but this is great news. Not exactly a Christmas present come early but at least a fortuitous event)

Merry Christmas, Westway. Hope it goes well for you.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 12:15 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Congrats, Westway. This is a big win for you.

Thumos

These little epiphanies will turn up from time to time. Roll with them. They are your brain's way of puzzling through a mystery you have been forced to confront.

On top of this, I often have noted this happening to BS's. On the BS side they were often in a "good marriage" as anyone would define it full of contentment, building a life, passion, and the typical ups and downs of any long-term relationship. Yet on further reflection, once they REALLY start to see their spouse for who they are, they will often realize the WS was not stepping up in the marriage in fundamental ways and was not offering them what a good spouse would. They realize their cheating spouse is nothing really special, never really was, and that they deserve so much more.

I think this may be happening to you now. So go out and get what you deserve, and leave her in the dust.

Since D-Day -- other than not doing some very fundamental things I asked for -- my WW has stepped up in a lot of other ways. She's been the "model wife" the past three years going forward. But this has also put her past behavior in stark contrast -- what I WASN'T getting before.

I agree with this. Believe me, I've been running the entire marriage through my head, thinking back on little instances where my gut was telling me something was not adding up. Some of these had resulted in big fights where I was made to take the blame for some bad behavior of hers. This happened several times throughout the years. Thinking back now I wonder if some of those fights were born out of her guilt for fucking around on me.

We would go through periods of where she was all over me with affection and love, doing nice things for me and such; interspersed with periods where she literally could not stand the sight of me, or avoided me altogether much less show me any kind of affection. I look at the pattern and see that it was most likely during these "lean" periods that she was probably out whoring.

It might be worth while for you to be ready to move into a hotel for a short time. At least have that back up plan in place.

Sooner or later things will have to come to a head and I bet it is around right before you move out.

Maybe even talk to a friend about having a couch to crash on if things go too far on her end.

We are all shocked at how civil she is being. I for one expected more crying and screaming at you for disclosing this to the lawyers.

It might be worth while for you to be ready to move into a hotel for a short time. At least have that back up plan in place.

Sooner or later things will have to come to a head and I bet it is around right before you move out.

Maybe even talk to a friend about having a couch to crash on if things go too far on her end.

We are all shocked at how civil she is being. I for one expected more crying and screaming at you for disclosing this to the lawyers.

Well I will be at my brother's house most of next week for Christmas. The girls will spend Christmas eve with mom and her family and then with me and mine on Christmas day. The new paradigm I guess.

The week following Christmas I will be spending moving all my stuff over to the new townhouse. The landlord was kind enough to let me in a bit early before I have to start rent. I have that week off work and I will avoid the WW as much as possible.

All the crying, yelling and screaming is over with. She has accepted that it is over and I am moving on. I expect she wants me gone as quickly and with as little fuss as possible, so she won't start any shit with me. She will behave, because she fears what I may reveal to her family.

So, I won't be seeing much of her.

My older daughter is pissed as hell at her mom. I spoke with her this morning and asked her to refrain from getting involved anymore in this mess. I want her to concentrate on her studies. Its hard enough for a kid to deal with freshman year at a university without having to worry about her parents. It's our job to worry, not hers.

Yes I agree, and I dont remember how much exactly your kids know, but you also need to find a balance there. She needs to be able to express her anger. The family as she knew it is falling apart. She feels she has no control over that.

Is she able to go to school counseling to get some support?

Westway,

You wrote, She has already begged me not to divorce her, but only with the condition that we have an open marriage. She wants to have sex with black men on the side, and says I can have mistresses if I want.

Did you ask her by what thought process did she conclude that you would say yes to this raw deal.

Like it's some kind of normal state of life, like she can imagine you on the phone talking to your friend, "lets go fishing my W is in a cheap motel with a broke ass ex-con so I have nothing to do"

Great news indeed, you got this, also it looks you found a good landlord. It looks like your WW will pretty much agree to the whole thing, she is scared you will expose the whole thing to "Vito Corleone and the entire gang", she won't be able to avoid you forever so expect some sorry ass excuse like "I didn't want to hurt your feelings and that's why I minimized it" or something similar, if she does, have none of it and just ignore it or change the subject to the D process or anything else, or simply walk away.

survrus

Did you ask her by what thought process did she conclude that you would say yes to this raw deal?

Hell no. I just laughed at her and asked what she was smoking. She never mentioned it again.

Great (and appropriate) response!!!!

Congrats on getting most of what you want in your D demands. You say that you need to iron out some more things.... please do not agree any non disclosure agreements with the information you have worked to get on your STBXWW. Tell her that she is just going to have to trust you that you wont spill the beans on her. Also it can work in your favor to keep the information in your back pocket if she tries any shenanigans in the future against. Such as lying about the reasons for her D. Her rewriting the marriage history to paint herself as a victim. Etc...

Wish you and your daughters a Merry Christmas. Please think of forming some new traditions with your daughters. Create new memories. Do something different that you won't normally do.

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Please be respectful of discussion of race. We understand the anger towards the AP, however making general statements that may be considered derogatory towards a race in general will not be tolerated.

Westway, it sounds like the distancing has worked well for you. Very glad to hear that you are handling the situation well. You are doing the right thing on focusing on your future, not the past. I hope you enjoy your holidays with your daughters and your family.

Some good news. My lawyer called and said that my wife and her lawyer have agreed to the majority of the terms in the petition. We are still ironing out a few details. It looks like my WW has decided not to blow this whole thing up now that she knows I have way more on her than I originally let on.

And WW has been avoiding me like the plague. She hides her face and won't look at me at all when she's home.

Good thing you got all the evidence you needed. It was probably a huge shock to her that you knew so much.

Liars tend to lie to themselves about the gravity of the situation they put themselves in.