SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Westway, hang in there brother.

I ask myself 'How did I miss all the signs

How did I blindingly trust someone

I had been trained to read peoples' voice inflections, their body language and the slightest of movements to determine who was an immanent threat.

I was never trained to do the same with my wife and best friend so when everything came to light I no longer trusted anyone.

The one person I trusted least of all was myself.

I learned to trust myself again and in doing so I also started trusting other people.

Cut yourself some slack. Very few of us saw this coming.

I had been trained to read peoples' voice inflections, their body language and the slightest of movements to determine who was an immanent threat.

I had no specific training, but when I heard him tell his AP on the telephone, (which had been a friend for 6 or so years),"I love you", the voice inflection was enough to get my gut to start paying attention. That was on a Saturday, and I found full evidence on Thursday.

Westway. When my H came home and told me about his affair I was blindsided.

The first few people I told said “no way. Not him”. I had to insist and tell them HE ADMITTED IT! I’m not being suspicious or anything like that. He told me about the affair.

I never saw one sign of anything to even be suspicious about.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You cannot follow someone around 24/7 to monitor them. That’s not a marriage. That’s a prison.

Yeah I fully thought she was just a typical stay at home wife. And if I am honest she was a good homemaker, really good. She raised two great daughters and did all the things a mom and wife is supposed to do. So it flattens me when I try to work out how she was able to do all that and have this secret dirty life on the side. Absolutely mind-blowing.

Sorry if I missed this in the thread, but did she finally admit to having affairs all thru your marriage or just the last 6 months. Your first post only mentions the last 6 months she had been with 3 men.

Was she faithful for 20 years, ignoring her preference for African American men, and then only just succumb to those desires in the last year? Or has she finally admitted to others throughout your marriage?

Sorry if I missed this in the thread, but did she finally admit to having affairs all thru your marriage or just the last 6 months. Your first post only mentions the last 6 months she had been with 3 men.

Was she faithful for 20 years, ignoring her preference for African American men, and then only just succumb to those desires in the last year? Or has she finally admitted to others throughout your marriage?

What is the best way to put this?

She knows I know about all the men she has been with over the last four years or so. My lawyer told her lawyer we have a three-inch binder full of evidence if she decides to get flakey.

No she and I have not discussed ALL the men, but she knows I know and of course she has withdrawn into herself in shame. The only ones she admitted to were the three that I knew about initially.

I really do think she feels shame and guilt, but not remorse. In some way, along with the shame, has come a certain amount of relief. I think in a way she is relieved she no longer needs to hide what she did. She knows I know she's a whore. She knows her daughters look at her with a certain amount of contempt now. She knows she's a lowdown dirty cheat, and I am satisfied to allow her to live the rest of her life with that knowledge.

And no, I did not know she preferred black men to white when I married her. The sex was good and plentiful and I thought she was into me. Now that I know the truth, I have to rebuild the paradigm of our past relationship into my brain.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:10 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Some good news... I got a text from WW. She has been taken on full-time by the wedding planner she was working part time for here and there. So she will have some steady income now. Maybe she can make a go of it and make something out of it.

Think of all the fiances she will have access to. I had to say it Westway, if you want me to recant it I will.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 12:44 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Think of all the fiances she will have access to. I had to say it Westway, if you want me to recant it I will.

She can provide wedding planner benefits. No need for separate bachelor parties.

It just seemed so ironic to me that this could be a career for her, it was hard to pass up the humor. What I didn't realize in my man child thinking is that this could be a severe trigger for some (as my fantastic treasure of a wife pointed out to me).

I apologize for that and if the guides, mods or whomever want to admonish me for posting that, I understand.....

Any brides with African-American grooms better keep a sharp eye out.

She can provide wedding planner benefits. No need for separate bachelor parties.

It just seemed so ironic to me that this could be a career for her, it was hard to pass up the humor. What I didn't realize in my man child thinking is that this could be a severe trigger for some (as my fantastic treasure of a wife pointed out to me).

I apologize for that and if the guides, mods or whomever want to admonish me for posting that, I understand..

It's cool. I laughed out loud when I read yours, and Marz's, posts.

Hey...if I don't laugh about this shit, I'll end up eating a bullet, ya know?

Any brides with African-American grooms better keep a sharp eye out.

I should text that back to her.

A little humor can’t hurt right now.

You’re on a good path keep moving forward

Just an update: the final D agreement is being drafted up and hopefully we can all meet next week to sign it. Fingers crossed.

Almost freedom time. Did your lawyer tell you when you will be allowed to start dating?

Just a weird talk my friends are having. You and your soon to be exWW should have the whole, "These people are off limits to date." conversation. My friend had this because his wife mentioned his best friend and me as guys she was super drawn to. He isn't allowed to date 3 of her friends. She wanted to cut the line at any of the parents on their kid's sports teams, but he shut that down.

Good luck and you have gotten out of your divorce way better than I thought. I think the speed helped you a ton.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 9:48 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

Almost freedom time. Did your lawyer tell you when you will be allowed to start dating?

Just a weird talk my friends are having. You and your soon to be exWW should have the whole, "These people are off limits to date." conversation. My friend had this because his wife mentioned his best friend and me as guys she was super drawn to. He isn't allowed to date 3 of her friends. She wanted to cut the line at any of the parents on their kid's sports teams, but he shut that down.

Good luck and you have gotten out of your divorce way better than I thought. I think the speed helped you a ton.

I'll ask my lawyer if there is some language we can put in the agreement so that neither of us may bring people around our daughter before the D is final. But to be honest, I'm beyond caring. The WW has promised me she won't bring any boyfriends over to the house, but not that she wouldn't date anyone. I could care less whether she dates or not. It's not like it is any big change from what she did before DDay anyway. I have accepted she was never the person I thought she was. Now it's just a matter of getting my heart to agree with my brain, ya know?

As for dating, I'm definitely not going to do that. I've had it with women. All the women in my life, including my own mom, have been a drag on my life. Except for my daughters, and I am doing everything I can to teach them that they need to be assets to the world, not liabilities like their mother.

Instead of dating, I have enrolled in a Brazilian Jiujitsu class held at my club three days a week. I have been interested in that martial art for a long time and I decided to take the plunge. I'm hoping my boxing skills will give me a leg up, but I'm very excited to learn a new skill from scratch.

[This message edited by Westway at 2:42 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

Please keep doing bjj! It’s a great step towards physical fitness and self defense knowledge. 1st stripe brown belt and infidelity survivor speaking :) PM me if you want to talk about it :)

Also, it you’re ever in PHX AZ, hit me up and we can roll :)