SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reread Booyah’s response a hundred times. He nailed it.

I am not exaggerating when I say I have been reading his comments on both of my posts dozens of times a day. I sincerely appreciate the insightful and supportive words.

"I hope she comes back to me".

Why?

I miss her dearly. But maybe I miss the girl who I thought she was or imagined her to be rather.

I just think she made an incredibly hurtful, immature, and selfish decision. I am hoping that one day she realizes this and regrets it. I guess I just have an unhealthy attachment to her...

What is your definition of love?

Than ask yourself does this girl meet any of the criteria?

That is actually a very good question. I made a forum post about it to get some opinions.

I guess that I can love her but for a relationship to work both partners have to love each other...

You have been heard and there are lots of us sending you ((virtual hugs))

Many of us have walked your path of betrayal in some form or fashion.

I am a lot older than you. Wiser now perhaps.

A bit further along in the grief process.

There are beautiful women out there who would love a good man....truly see HIM and not their fantasy of who they want him to be, and truly love him. Do not settle for anything else than what a faithful, decent man who would be there for his family is worth.

And I have found a lot of benefit in the past two years working on myself....My wounds....My why's I became an abused wife (sorry for those I might offend with this statement but infidelity is imho severe abuse).

Sending positive thoughts for healing and peace your way.

And I do understand how terribly lonely being the BS can feel. Do not let that lonliness cause you to settle for less than you are worth.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 9:46 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

I want to one day find the real love of my life. Someone who would never give up on me or the relationship.

You will, but not with your WGF. Give up on this romantic notion you have of her. That girl you think you loved? She is gone, so don't go backwards and try and get back together with your WGF. If you do, you will be in a guaranteed world of hurt, that will be worse.

but I would NEVER have given up on her.

This may well be true, but it would be better if you re-focus it onto someone who is actually worth it. You WGF is definitely not trying at all.

I pray I meet that woman sooner than later.

Dude, have you been reading too many romantic novels? Why are you rushing to get a partner? Are you not comfortable being by yourself?

If you place so much value on having your worth tagged onto someone else, then my advice is to go see a IC to figure out why you need this.

I have mentioned this in other posts, and in other ways, but fundamentally, the only person that will be with you from the day you are born to the day you die, is........ *drum roll*..... YOURSELF *surprise!!!!*. You will need to be comfortable and happy with yourself first and foremost.

If you are not happy or comfortable with yourself, then you might start needing external validation, which is what happens with a lot of cheaters. They need someone else to make them feel good. Don't start down that slippery slope.

I know it is not a sprint but I would have loved to spend the rest of my 20's traveling the world with her.

Why can't you travel by yourself, or some friends? Why must it be with a SO? Are you want to travel for yourself or for somebody else? If it is for yourself, who cares who you travel with? If you need to travel with a romantic partner, then you have got your reasons wrong.

Now I will have to spend them searching for her.

Oh come on man, lay off the romance novellas, they will rot your brain.

Once you force yourself to find a romantic partner, it can screw up the foundations of the relationship. False appearances can be put up, because you want to impress the other person. Problem with false faces is, they cannot be kept up 100% of the time, and it suppresses the 'natural' you. Then resentment builds, and problems arise later on.

Take your time.

I struggle with this. Xwh left me for Ow 1.5 yrs ago. After serial cheating. Our entire marriage. I’m not going to explain the ugly story. I didn’t know most of that time.

After all the destruction and outward abuse. I still miss him. It’s my issue. I realize that. Yet it’s there. Travel was our thing. It was what I dreamed of my entire life. He gave me that. While he cheated. The best and the worst. I do remember these things. It was our entire marriage. 36 years. How can I not remember? I also remember the cheating and abuse. It’s all pain shopping.

It does improve. I think I will always miss who I thought he was. He was a good pretender.

My Xwh is an active alcoholic with brain damage He is worse. He can’t come back. He can’t even pretend any more. I still miss him. ...I hated him in the end. How can you hate someone and miss them? The alcoholics wife ... I miss my life. My future. My dreams. I miss having someone in the house. I miss making plans together. I miss the feelings of love. And hope. Who wouldn’t? I can’t wipe out 36 years in my head. I can’t make it true either.

FYI. ow dropped him. These relations mostly never last. She was using a sick man.

My point. What your feeling is normal after this experience. It’s very painful. It a process. It takes time.

Some things are out of our control. We have to accept this. And work towards it.

It’s a plan. Don’t beat yourself up for still feeling. Your love was real

I really hate how this is done to us. It makes me feel helpless. And hopeless.

I recently researched the affects of suicide on families. I felt my situation had more layers. He is killing him self. And our family. And our life. It has affected us all. It was insightful. And on spot.

Your going fine. Keep moving forward. This is never clear or easy.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:25 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

That girl you think you loved? She is gone, so don't go backwards and try and get back together with your WGF. If you do, you will be in a guaranteed world of hurt, that will be worse.

May I ask why you think this? is it because you believe she could do the same thing again? She blocked my number and told me she's happy now. I don't think she's coming back.

Why are you rushing to get a partner? Are you not comfortable being by yourself?

I am definitely not comfortable being alone. I was with her for my entire adult life so far and I miss her desperately. I don't want to spend my life alone. I feel that live is better enjoyed shared with a partner. I do not want travel alone at all. With friends? Sure. But there are a lot of romantic travel destinations my WGF and I planned to visit and now will never get to experience together. It hurts badly to think about never getting to do the things we planned.

"I am definitely not comfortable being alone".

I think this statement is the core issue and why you're struggling so much and will continue to struggle moving forward if you don't get into IC and find out WHY this is?

You need to learn to be at peace in your own skin and NOT have to rely on finding validation in others.

You don't know who you are and you put SO much of who you are (validation) in the hands of your ex and now that she's moved on you're left scrambling to find who you are.

If you put your identity in her hands (you did) and if she's walked away (and she has) then there must be something wrong with you or you're not good enough (your thought process),

Myname it's not about finding the right partner.

It's being the best you can be and liking who you are.

People are going to come in and out of your life and it will have NOTHING to do with you. You can't fall apart every single time someone walks out of your life.

Don't hand over the keys to who you are and your identity to someone else. Why give ANYONE that much power over you??

Use this time wisely.

Get into IC and be brave enough to explore who you are.

Storms are going to come in life and if you don't have the intestinal fortitude to stand strong you're going to break and my friend it doesn't have to be this way.

2 X 4

Quit whining about all of this and put in the work to be part of the solution instead of making things worse.

You WILL get through this. However on the other side do you want to stronger and wiser or are you going to go through life being a victim?

The choice is yours.

Keep the faith my friend!

I hate being alone. I am lonely.

AND I am learning to be alone. And I am learning to cope with unpleasant feelings of loneliness. Why? Because the feeling of being with a lying cheater were way way worse.

And I am really really sorry you are going through this. it hurts.

My H was "in love" with his first AP. Sometimes I wish I had found out about their affair and they ended up together. She turned out to be an awful person (go figure ) he can't stand her now. Most likely your WS will eventually find out the grass is not greener, but you will have moved on.

May I ask why you think this? is it because you believe she could do the same thing again? She blocked my number and told me she's happy now. I don't think she's coming back.

Whether she does this again is not an absolute, but high certainty.

Why are YOU not blocking her instead?!? Why are YOU not taking the steps to ensure NC?

I am definitely not comfortable being alone. I was with her for my entire adult life so far and I miss her desperately.

Dude, your adult life is not over yet by a loooong shot. The average lifespan for a guy is around 82yrs, you still have about 60yrs left.... think about it.

I don't want to spend my life alone. I feel that live is better enjoyed shared with a partner.

Fair enough. Very few people want to live life alone. Humans are fundamentally social creatures, so that is natural.

Would you want to create lifelong beautiful memories with someone who betrayed you? Then all your lifelong beautiful memories will be tainted. Why do that to yourself?

I do not want travel alone at all. With friends? Sure. But there are a lot of romantic travel destinations my WGF and I planned to visit and now will never get to experience together. It hurts badly to think about never getting to do the things we planned.

Oh come on..... like I posted above, you have about 60yrs! You still have time to visit those romantic destinations with someone who loves you. Why do you feel that you need to go to those destinations now?

Do you suffer from FOMO? If so, why? This FOMO shit is what gets a lot of cheaters started. Don't go there.

Basically, learn to live by yourself, for yourself. Go see a counsellor to talk thru it. Get your self-confidence back. Women love self-confident men.... well, actually, everyone loves self-confident people.

*Note: Self-confidence does not = being an asshole, or lacking in humility.

There must be something wrong with me. I would be willing to ignore the cheating and lying and threats and abuse just to have her back. I am like a drug addict going through withdrawal. Everything she's done and said to me go against every fiber of my being and all my moral and ethical codes. Yet I just want to call her and beg her to come back and love me again.

I try taking Booyah's advice and think about all the horrible things she's done and said. It doesn't stop me from wanting her back. I am not strong enough to make it through this. Some of you may be strong but I just can't do it. Every morning I wake up I have to remind myself this actually happened. That she actually did this to me and now I am alone and my partner cheated and doesn't love me. It is crazy-making. My IC sessions don't even help. I just vent for an hour and that's it.

I just want to call her and beg her to come back to me. I would do anything to get her back.

I am definitely not comfortable being alone. I was with her for my entire adult life so far and I miss her desperately.

I don't want to spend my life alone. I feel that live is better enjoyed shared with a partner. I do not want travel alone at all.

I find this incredibly telling and want to encourage you to get yourself into therapy. As long as you are depending on someone else to "Complete" you, you will never be truly happy and complete in life.

True happiness comes from within. Being alone when you are comfortable in your own skin, and are able to find happiness from within can be an amazing wonderful thing.

Until you overcome this "need" to be with someone, your will allow yourself to pick partners that are not going to treat you well. You will tolerate being treated without respect, and you will allow your partner to abuse you all because you don't want to be alone.

Get into therapy and work through this.

Additionally get yourself busy and engaged in life. What hobby have you always wanted to do, but never did because of time, money, or your partner didn't want to, time to start it.

Get yourself a book called CoDependent NO More. Your need for happiness in another is a very strong codpendent trait, and reading it may help you identify some of the reasons you fear being alone, and work through them.

Heal yourself. Make a promise to yourself that you will not get inovlved w/ another person for at least 6 months. Heal your heart.

I am not strong enough to make it through this. Some of you may be strong but I just can't do it.

You absolutely are strong enough to make it through this. It will suck, it will be difficult, you will often feel like you aren't strong enough but you ARE strong enough. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and focus on one day at a time (or one hour or one minute as the case may be at the time). It will start to get easier.

I'm now 7.5 months out from Dday and every month has been easier than the last. It's still not easy but it is easier. It's not good but it's better and I'm finally at the point when I know that one way or the other I will be okay. If there is one positive thing that came out of my WH's cheating it's that I realized I'm incredibly f*ck!ing strong. You are too.

I was with my now exww for 17.5 years, she was my first true love. We separated 2/2018, Dday 4/2018 and divorce was final 7/2019. I would have done anything back then to have her back, I was like you. I was co dependent as fuck. It is like a withdrawal when you love someone with all your heart. Let me tell you that with time, counseling, the work you put in to yourself, books you read and just being alone, you will find out that you don't need her. You dont need anybody else to fulfill that lonely feeling. You need to find yourself and find out why you need someone else to fulfill what you already have deep down inside you, which is you. It hurts, we all know, but happiness comes from within. I honestly thought I wouldn't recover. I'm still in the process but I have come to a point where I dont need anybody to make me happy, to make feel like I'm not alone, I have myself. You are stronger than you know. You will find that strength.

Yet I just want to call her and beg her to come back and love me again.

Sigh, all you would do, is see two security guys at your place......

Dude, we understand that you are in pain, but you need to start getting yourself out of this pit before it becomes too deep.

The pain of losing a loved one by betrayal is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. It can bring you to the edge of doing something stupid. Step back from the edge.

Don't get addicted to the pain. It is currently your comfort blanket, but wrap yourself in it for too long, and you will becomes bitter.

Have you started a journal? It does help to put down thoughts on paper. Not type, but use a pen and write down your thoughts and feelings into a book. It can be quite cathartic.

Vent all you want into the pages. Wail even. Let your emotions out into the pages.

we understand that you are in pain, but you need to start getting yourself out of this pit before it becomes too deep.

I am trying my best. I started IC right after D-day. I go to the gym after work on weekdays. I do breathing exercises and even made lists of the horrible things she has said and done to read to myself when I miss her. I just can't seem to stop longing for her. I'm 2 months in so hopefully as more time passes I will accept being single and that this actually happened. That she actually did this to me.

Have you started a journal?

I have but I like your idea of using pen and paper. I will try that instead of a digital journal. Thank you for the advice friend.

You hope she comes back to you!?

If she does you will be her plan B. Her backup plan.

If she does it won’t last.

Face the pain now instead of having to go through this a second time.

You hope she comes back to you!?

If she does you will be her plan B. Her backup plan.

If she does it won’t last.

Even if she comes back and is remorseful, there is no hope of R? I know I shouldn't want her to come back after betraying me and treating me this way. It's just I love the girl. I'm afraid I'll never hear from her again.

You aren't afraid she won't come back k. you are afraid to be alone. Be honest with yourself and then face the fears.

There are a lot of things worse than being alone. Like being in a relationship with a cheater that doesnt respect you.

If your therapist isnt trained in trauma and infidelity get one that is.

You are young. There is soooo much happiness in front of you. You just need to learn how to grab it.

Mynamedontfit

I am new to SI also. I was where you were when I first found this website 2 months ago (found out about my WW A 4-5 months ago). I was playing what's called the 'pick me' game. Where I was my best and showing her my best self, while allowing the affair cause I thought it was a competition between me and the AP. Don't do what I did. After reading on here for 2 days I got out of that game as fast as I could and demanded NC.

My 3 bits of advice for you right now while you're heavily in denial and grieving.

1st. Read as much as you can about everyone's stories on here. You'll find that while everyone's stories are very very very different, they all hold very similar patterns. You'll find the same patterns in your life and be able to learn from others mistakes and not make the same mistakes yourself.

2nd. Take care of yourself. When I was in the emotional Rollercoaster, I'd hit times that I thought I could never be happier, and times where I had been in dispare. I would ball at work out of nowhere and have to excuse myself. Work with your IC and don't do anything to harm yourself. If you feel like your in that deep (I was) reach out to anyone or call the suicide hotline. There was a day I was going to end it, said by to my kids, my wife was with her AP. I read Online that if your having thoughts and felt like you couldn't reach out to anyone to wait 10 days, and see if I still felt the same every day. That, and looking at my little boy saved me. There's light even in the middle of the tunnel, even though you don't see it yet. Take care of yourself man.

3rd. Learn to let her go. I learned on here, that the relationship is already dead and over. If you do R, it will be something new, but can never be what it was. Don't hold on to hope that anything was there. That was the biggest step for me.

Were here for you, even though you don't know us. A common enemy makes a strong friendship.

Red.