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I know it's pretty common (happened to me) to have your WS defend the AP. But has anyone ever been told by their WS that the AP feels guilty for the affair while continuing to be a participant?

Mine said that to me, more than few times. That he felt oh so guilty over the situation. And every single time I told her what utter bullshit that is because if a person felt guilty about hurting people they'd stop (at least I would). Also, not to mention, what is the purpose of even telling me that - to make me feel better? How??

It's one thing in particular that makes me so f-ing mad to think about

This is a very human thing. No one does the right thing all the time. When something feels good or hits certain buttons, we can absolutely do it while feeling bad about it. If I'm on a diet and starting at a large piece of chocolate cake- same idea. I'm gonna eat the cake and then probably wish I hadn't.

Basic human nature. It really isn't that difficult to understand.

My wife's AP told me that directly (no middle man on that info) shortly after D-Day v1.0. However, after over a year of continued lies and coverup between them, I came to find out that was a total load of BS.

However, about 10 mo ths ago, he must have had some kind of "come to Jesus" moment because he reached out, apologizing for all he had done, how he covered their tracks, etc.

Seemed sincere enough, but I still wouldn't piss on his head if his hair was on fire.

CaptainRogers, wow that's impressive he'd even do that. I think with mine he was only worried that one day I might snap and apply extreme force to his forehead.

They may feel guilty but if they are really selfish people (or people in a selfish trance if not selfish all the time), and/or conflict avoidant people, it won’t matter. I felt guilt in my EA. At first I leaned away from it and into justifications - into demonizing my husband in my mind and perceived slights I felt. The guilt stuck in my craw and I happened upon a photo that included my EAP w his wife and kids. It bothered me. I googled for answers (hoping for rationalizations to go deeper down the path) and eventually came here, received 2x4s and empathy, thought it through, and spoke up with my husband. I let the guilt teach me and then I changed my behavior and ended my bullshit. I’m not saying I’m just the greatest because of that but I did learn and became a better spouse by remaining open to that discomfort. A lot of people just cannot tolerate it and so they lean into the affair despite the niggling of guilt that keeps at them.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 2:53 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Justsomelady,

I wish my WW did what you did. The AP was her ex-BF, they remained "friends" after their rocky relationship/breakup and was someone I contend she never got emotionally over for years before the PA started. So most of my relationship I felt like this bastard was an intrusive presence, so him "feeling guilty" is such utter bullshit in my opinion.

WW on the other hand, she had a lot of guilt, but never did anything about it...near the end of things it was so bad that she'd literally be texting him in front of me, or come back after sleeping at his place and be like "stop making me feel guilty!!" because I'd react like a normal person to what she was doing.

BTW I like the saying in your signature, "The grass is greener where you water it.". Very true.

Oof, Shattered ! We waywards are pretty incredible sometimes. I am sorry you experienced that.

Thanks are: “grass is greener”. I think someone said it to me on my old thread here from this summer. I really have found it to be true. Every aspect of my relationship has improved exponentially since talking to my husband and devoting love and attention to him - and getting therapy for me.

near the end of things it was so bad that she'd literally be texting him in front of me, or come back after sleeping at his place and be like "stop making me feel guilty!!" because I'd react like a normal person to what she was doing.

Did you at the time tell her to not bother to come back home and instead stay at OM's place ? sounds like she was dating OM right in front of you and you just allowed it, how long ago was your Dday and when did the A supposedly end ? what consequences has she had ? did you expose her A with ALL family and close friends and with OBS(Other Betrayed Spouse/GF) if any ?

The affair never ended, she's shacking up with him and we're separated. "near the end of things" was about our relationship.

I have some solace in knowing the grass is certainly not greener. There was a reason their relationship was rocky before they broke up before she met me, and many of the things we fought about in our relationship was because she doesn't water the grass, so to speak.

And thanks Justsomelady, your story gives me a little bit of hope for humanity.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 3:10 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Sometimes the grass is greener because of a septic tank issue. Just saying.

Yeah, my xwh 18yo slut AP sent me a FB message through a 3rd party (because I had her blocked) 5 months after he supposedly cut contact. She sent screenshots of their disgusting (and ri-fucking-diculous) sex convos and told the third party to tell me that she "felt awful about what she was doing and that she was so sorry that she needed to hurt me". W. T. A. Fuuuuuuuuck. Little bitch is damn lucky we don't stand much of a chance of running into each other. I honestly think I would seriously fuck her up if I ever saw her again.

If any of the APs said they felt guilty, they’d get a big FU from me. They can choke on their guilt for all I care. They’ll never get forgiveness from me.

Sometimes the grass is greener because of a septic tank issue. Just saying.

Also, WTF. "I feel awful about hurting you, but here's some stuff that will hurt you". That sounds like she was taunting. If mine did that to me, I think I would actually lose it and go hunt him down with a baseball bat.

Oh I have fantasized and had many a dream of hurting her - had an especially vivid one a few weeks ago and woke up laughing so I went and sold my .38 the next day.

But at the end of the day she is just a stupid seriously messed up little girl and she will fuck up her own life way better than I ever could. And hopefully at this point she and my xshitbag will self destruct with each other. I told her the day I went down and confronted her that she will eventually cross the wrong wife and end up getting her ass beat or getting killed. I will NOT feel bad should that come to pass.

Well, my WH said that to me. The AP wants to say sorry. He also shared to our conmon friend that the AP told her many times to go back and properly end things. So now the AP is the nice one? I so hate it when POSH defends her. This same AP who publicly posts photos of you wants to say sorry? They may be sorry and guilty, but they aren't guilty enough cause they don't want to do the right thing. They can't even respect me. Words don't mean anything. They can drown in guilt and shame for all I care.

Maybe about a year ago or less, my WWs AP approached me in broad daylight, in a semi-crowded diner. I was sitting with 2 co-workers/friends having lunch. He apologized for "everything that went down" and told me that he was in some kind of program for being an alcoholic and a drug addict. That he was close to getting his family back, and he had been sober for however long. I was kind of caught off guard, and didn't want to make a scene in the restaurant with my 2 friends at the table, so I just said "thanks, good luck with your family."

My friends asked what that was about, and I told them he had stolen some tools out of my garage for drug money a few years ago. They seemed satisfied with that answer. I didn't really accept his apology. If he hadn't approached me in front of a bunch of people, I might have not been so cordial to him, and he knew that. He can go to whatever kind of program he wants, he's still an ass who was banging at least 3 married women.

My WW didn't know he had a drug problem during the A. When I told her, that just added fuel to the fire for her of how stupid she was to fall for his shit. She stayed up crying that entire night, and I did not console her.

Shattered, the AP is just trying make you feel better in the hopes that you won't beat his ass.

Fenderguy, wow that was a really underhanded apology. I would've been really embarrassed if mine did something like that. Also for him to find you like that...I wonder if he was stalking you??

Dorothy, I strongly suspect the AP never said it and it's a fantasy my WW came up with to minimize. The AP coveted my WW for 5 years and only went on a handful of dates with other women during that time. All that time before the PA my WW denied he had feelings for her, but over the summer he revealed that he never stopped loving her. I was telling her that from the beginning because no guy would stick around or do the things like he did if he wasn't pining to be with her. I don't think he lost any sleep over feeling guilt.

My WH said that his AP wanted to apologize to me. My reply: 1. She knew he was married. 2. She knew he had a disabled child. 3. She did it anyway, so obviously she did not really want to apologize. 4. She was trying to manipulate him into believing that she was a "good person". Meanwhile, she continued to try to continue the affair. 5. I would not give either party the satisfaction. 6. I would not invite the twisted, vile creature into my life. She was not worth my time or energy. I would not lower myself to her standards and speak with her (although I must admit, I wanted to beat her ass and probably would have if I saw her). 7. Liars both. Why would I believe anything that either of them said?

Honestly, at the time I was flabbergasted that she would make such an insane request. Now that I have been on this site for a while, nothing much would surprise me. AP are sick, immoral, selfish, cruel things. They are capable of anything.

BTW Fenderguy, sounds like the guy was in a 12 step program of recovery. One of the 12 steps is to make amends: Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.. Sadly, he did not compute the second part of the step. Newly recovering people often make the mistake of trying to make an amends when they are not ready to do so. Stupid and ill advised. Sorry you had to go through that.

Boohoo the little snowflake feels guilt. Apparently not enough to NOT have an affair. My wife did this "guilt/Shame" thing too. I was so ashamed and felt guilty, yet you still did every little thing. It was a hard realization when she got to the point of I can say I felt guilt/shame but didn't care in the end......