SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WW went out with friends from work a few nights ago. A couple of hours beforehand people suddenly started bailing. I drop her off so she doesn't have to drive. She comments that she doesn't see this one's or that one's car so where the hell is everybody....

A couple of hours later she texts me that she wants to come home. I offer to come get her. No response for a few minutes. Then I get "hold on" and 10 minutes goes by so I message her and tell her I could have been there and back already. Tells me not to worry about it. Comes home about 40 minutes later. Seems on her end that nothing is amiss so I don't bother saying anything.

A few minutes after she is in bed her phone starts going off with texts. I make her get up to go turn it off. Apparently everyone checking in that they got home ok.

Of course, being a BH my guard is now back up so I spend the next day kinda pissed off but not at anything specific. Turns out when her friend dropped her off her car had leaked tranny fluid all over the driveway and I told her to let her friend know. Now that tuns into W driving her to work the next 2 nights....

Soooo I put the VAR back into action. Stuck it in the car...got absolutely zero that was out of the ordinary. Now I feel kinda shitty for doing it.

The flip side though is that even though she did nothing wrong, is this how I want to live my life?

I’m not as far out as you, but I’m definitely on the high alert side (I wouldn’t say paranoia because they gave us reason to not trust them). My current issues are one, there’s a 10/15 minute delay between when he says he’s heading out from work and when he does (per life 360 when he starts driving). What’s he doing in that 10 minutes? Second, I know he used to use trips to the store and such to talk to other women. Is he still doing that? How would I know? Do I need to install something in his car? On his phone?

It’s enough to drive you crazy.

Is it the late night texts (where they all checked in), or her now driving her girlfriend to work each night - or her going out with friends that triggered you? OR all of the above?

There's no right answer.

As you know it takes a long time to restore trust.

I recall you're just in your second year.

You will trigger less as time goes on.

btw: I also recall reading your earlier post about 12 months in ....where you seemed to be satisfied with your marriage.

Stay strong!

I don't know exactly when, but I remember one time picking up my wife's phone, and hitting the password and reading texts and emails and then, I just put the phone down and walked away.

There wasn't anything weird with the texts, it was just weird playing baby sitter.

Ain't nothing I can ever do to stop anyone from ever choosing to cheat.

So, I stopped checking up and checking in, I leave that up to my wife. And she does a nice job of that, but it doesn't change the fact I can't control anything about this person.

We can only ever control our response to adversity.

Or better yet, not be attached to any particular outcome.

I'm really not worried whether or not my wife will cheat again. In that worse case scenario, I'll be just as awesome as a single old dude out in the world.

They take so much from us. Its staggering. My WW took a trip to see her girlfriend in another province. We were in what I now know was false R. She was on her period so my rational mind said it was okay. Plus she was with a mutual friend who is a lawyer and her sister who is a high ranking justice. Soooooooo, what could go wrong? My gut told my brain otherwise. Anyhow, she ended up give some guy she met a blowjob in the parking lot. Her best friend had to literally pull her off him. Bow if it wasn't so tragic, it would be funny. I mean, how do you unsee that?

Point her is that I eventually chose peace and my own soul over R. I did not want to be a warden. I didn't sign up for that. I applaud those who can recover. I guess I'm just not one of them. And judging from the number of post stating "Im back", there are many others.

Thanks for replying everyone. It is enough to drive you crazy for sure.

I actually said to W one night that there was no way I could control what she does so the burden of not cheating is on her. At the time she got pretty pissed but it's 100% true.

Landclark, I actually used the VAR to determine how far this woman lived from us because W was listening to music and it triggered it.

Robert , I was already triggered by what I saw as shady behavior the day she was going out. Just because suddenly the people who were going changed and it would not be as many people. The texts just put it over the top because I felt it was really inappropriate for people I've never met to be messaging her late night. We all know what happened the last time she got a late nught text.

Someguy, anything physical or any further ea is a deal breaker. There's no 3rd chance. If it had been physical from dday I'd be gone already.

Just glad to see I'm not crazy here.

You're not crazy and you are not alone. I read all your posts (don't always have any advice).

The flip side though is that even though she did nothing wrong, is this how I want to live my life?

No. But how can it be any different? If you stop suspecting and checking up, it's exactly the same circumstances as when they got away with it. I feel the same. I guess you only stop that when they've proven to have changed their attitude completely, to the point where you believe they never would do it again. Personally can't see me getting that impression from WS, as I thought he was fully committed to me before when he was pursuing thrills with other women while on deployment, I just never suspected anything, so there's no tells, nothing will appear different. Such a mind f*ck.

IF your CW does all the work needed, and IF you get true R, this will not be your life forever.

2-5 years to heal. You haven't even reached the minimum 2 year mark yet, have you? Even if you have, that's the minimum in the range. So, for most BPs, it takes around 3 years.

2 years out from dday and I still check online activity, texts, etc. At least once a month. I do it, because I had 1 year of false R while he was still in contact with AP. I refuse to be duped and made a fool of for that long again. So for me, it’s not to make sure he doesn’t cheat, but if he does, I won’t be wasting any more time on him.

Gently, you're less than a year from d-day. Your behavior is well within the range of normality.

If your W continues to live an honest life, your paranoia will diminish and eventually almost cease completely. Really.