SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Think of it as a break up with some douchebag you date. Now, an year from the break up you might think "what was I thinking" but in the moment, it's painful and heartbreaking. Emotions are complex.

Doesn't mean we have to sympathise with their dilemma and if you as a WS are opting for reconciliation, you need to shut that down pronto. I doubt that anything other than outright breaking NC does as much damage as pining for the AP after getting caught. Also, if you're still pining for AP after a certain amount of time(I'd say 3 or so months), your heart isn't in reconciliation and you should spare your BS any further agony.

I wouldn't be able to deal with a single second of pining if I ever tried to reconcile with someone.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:54 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Makes me physically ill. Awe, what's wrong? you are mourning the loss of your lover? So are we. Yeah you will get over them in a few months, we don't have that luxury, we are stuck mourning the loss of the spouse we married for the rest of our lives, thanks to you. We will have trust issues for the rest of our lives thanks to you.

You feel broken hearted because you miss you AP? cry me a fucking river. You have no idea the level of trauma you have caused us. Whatever loss you feel pales in comparison.

I have tried to respond twice now. My phone died and I got on my wife’s but she was logged in. Damn no wonder I never do this posting stuff.

I am sorry I got involved.

[This message edited by turnthepage at 6:22 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

I don't get the focus on love sometimes. Love is an action. WS takes the thousand steps to have an A, has the A, "I thought I loved the AP..." blah blah blah. And the BS agrees!?!

If WS is going to take the thousand steps, may as well love who you are having an A with. Ah, but WS and AP are "two broken people" so the love can't be real. But BS is not broken, but loves WS anyway, and AP probably have their own BS who loves them too. Yet the WS and AP somehow can't love each other.

I have little doubt that my xW actually loves AP, since she divorced me for him and married him. Anyone can love or be loved. That's not that hard. Acting well, treating people well can be hard for some.

Mine couldn't stop missing him, to the point of describing it like cutting off a limb. So she decided to cut me off

She recently told me that she saw that particular thread over there and empthazied with it greatly. Couldn't agree more with the OP venting.

so I guess there are a number of you here that should have filed for divorce a long time ago.

Um yeah it would have saved me 7 years of complete mindfuckery.

This is a vent thread no?

It is a vent. I am A BS, and I wanted to vent because I felt there was a veiled attack on my wife. That is tough for me for many reasons. She said let it be, and I will. In some ways I am pissed that she isn’t pissed for herself.

I agree with the vent. It’s sickening to read those types of posts.

Yet, as this site was created by both a cheatee and cheater, I applaud their effort to have a safe space for both.

No betrayed and no wayward is in the exact same place, frame of mind or healing.

We are supposed to leave our hearts on floor, build each other up, and when we are ready, possibly give advice from our hearts and experiences.

Posts in wayward may be fake as well as any post in jfo or any other forum. Some people like to create havoc, tell penthouse lite stories, or just hurt people. They just do. I don’t believe everything I read. And, I won’t take any of it to my heart.

I do believe that waywards need a safe place. Even if they lament their AP. Maia has a thread has been kicked up a million times. I don’t think missing AP, while utterly disgusting, is a foreign concept. I believe it is quite common, especially in early days.

MBB, I am so truly sorry for your pain. I just believe if we want a wayward to ever ever understand anything how devasting betrayal is, they might need to slog through the shit first.

[This message edited by Greeneyesbluezy at 7:02 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

OMG MBB, you just nailed it!!! You just made me actually log in so I can virtually stand up and applaud!!! Thank you, I haven't given a update on myself in quite a while but lurk daily. That may change now...

TTP, I didn't associate this thread with your wife at all. She is not someone, who I consider to be an unremorsrful asshole Wayward spouse. She is one of the very, very, very few waywards on here, who I believe has actually done the work needed.

The problem I had with your post, is you have a very one-sided view of what it means to live with a wayward spouse. Yes she cheated, and yes it sucks. And yes you had the same pain, that we all had. But you don't know what it's like to live with a wayward spouse who only half asses the work, but for many, many reasons, you cannot leave them yet. So when you come onto a thread, and throw words around like "bitter" and attempt to shame those of us who do not have the epitome of a remorseful Wayward spouse, it doesn't settle very well.

I agree wholeheartedly as a BS with how disgusting and frustrating it is as a BS having to deal with a limerant WS still in the fog pining for the AP. It is the last straw for many, and the disgust at this behavior needs to be vented. Thus this thread. But I respectfully can not join in with venting any of this at the WS in the WW forum.

But this is just my opinion and I could be wrong. According to the guidelines this site establishes a Wayward forum and welcomes only WS who are remorseful and committed back to their relationship who are welcome to post, seek support and guidance to help them in attempting to repair the damage they have caused. Much of what new WS post exemplifies wayward thinking. But they are the few out of the world of thousands of cheaters willing to write and lay bare their thoughts and feelings openly in pursuit of the stated guideline of remorse and commitment back to their relationship. These are the last people we should be attacking. Of course much of what they say rankles, infuriates, and frustrates and is easy to mock. Out of the universe of cheaters these are the ones actually seeking to be better, putting their infuriating thoughts out there, and getting blunt talk in return.

They are an easy target and whipping boy because they took the invitation of this site to put themselves out there. Believe me, I do totally get the very base level hatred for all adulterers and cheaters. I do my share. I agree with the vent expressed in this thread, but I will not attack any WS putting their thoughts out there on this site. I don’t want to discourage their posting. It would not make my situation any better or worse to mock their efforts. IMO this site needs more and more WS who are willing to come forward and post their thoughts, no matter how frustrating, and join committed to its goals. IMO that would be a good thing. Sorry, just my two cents. Probably not worth that much.

I am sorry I got involved.

I probably should have posted this after 50% of my replies on this forum. Oh well.

Cant let the anonymous hurt my feelings. (Not going to happen) Nevertheless failing to get involved is a little cowardly.

BS read the Wayward section for a myriad of reasons. Some actually read searching for the belief that their WS can not only acheive reconciliation, but acheive redemption. The outrage you read is not bitterness, it is a seed of doubt. What you see is the question of why do i bother if this is what is really going on in the WS head.

I recall being triggered by a long time FWW who wrote bibles on SI, yet cheated again and acted like she didn't care. It put me in a funk for a couple of days until my wife figured out what was going on and sat me down and asked me to say her name. She then stated "that doesn't even rhyme with "xxxx"

The destroyer thread is another one that caused a lot of damage. Everything was fake and still is. The truth is some people are straight out liars and always will be, but another truth is that some are not.

Understanding Malibu and HO at the same time is not difficult. Take what you need and discard the rest is great advice FOR BOTH SIDES.

I generally post to the topic or directly to the OP. The back and forth can become a bunch of righteous noise on both sides.

Happy Holidays!!!

oh, and a pox on that "I miss my AP" thread. blah.

Ignore.

This was about a specific post in the thread not the thread itself and it was directed at my wife and actually at me as well. Again, sorry I got involved. If she is fine with it I guess I have to be too.

On the one hand I get it and totally feel the rage too... Boy do I. And no, I will never understand the 'love for the AP' thing. I have my own bullshit I am still trying to process through on all that (and will be for a long time) since my xshitbag decided he would rather have his 18 yo disease ridden slut than me. Yeah, the bitter on that is strong in my soul right now.

But I think Incarnate and fareast bring up valid points as well. While there are certainly examples of completely gone WS's that are obviously not 'getting it' and are clearly not interested in doing the work, those seem to be way fewer and further between than the WS's who come on here trying to educate themselves on the fallout from their shitty choices and want to become better people. And the WS's that stay on SI to help guide other waywards towards accountability... I mean, I see a lot of WS's who are wrestling with their own shit and having had my fair share in my life of wrestling with myself, I can't long hold hostility towards an imperfect person trying to get better.

Maybe I feel a little differently because my xwh wouldn't in a million years come on here and start looking at himself and opening himself up to the other WS's, much less to the hostility of other BS's. Even the ones that still have their heads up their asses when they find SI are still here trying to overcome their shit. I may not agree with everything they say, some of it I do find very triggering, but credit where it is due - those WS's have at least admitted they are fucked up to a certain degree. I think that sort of dialog is incredibly important and should be encouraged.

No growth or change happens in a vacuum. And just like JFO is a BS's safe space, the Wayward forum is a safe space for WS's who are starting that process. It is important for both camps to have their space where they can open up about all of it, even the ugly shit - especially the ugly shit.

I am totally with MBB and agree with everything you said.

I have seen numerous posts about missing AP and they infuriate me.

Imho a wayward has no right to miss someone they should never have had any relationship with in the first place. Who gives a shit if you feel your entitled to your feelings- you aren’t.

If I stole a million dollars and enjoyed spending it and was caught,, would I miss the money that I was never entitled to? Or maybe I wouldn’t miss any of it because it put me in jail. Terrible comparison I know.

I also agree that if a wayward is missing their co-conspirator that they are not remorseful. They are still wayward to the core. If you can miss the person who helped you destroy the person you say you love then you don’t love your bs. You are still wayward, entitled, selfish and immature.

I agree that it’s the ego kibbles that they are addicted to but guess what-I don’t give a shit. They weren’t entitled to those ego kibbles.

I find cheating one of- if not the most selfish and immature thing someone can do.

If you want to pine for the ap? Let your bs know and let them decide if they still want to try to r with that or chat with their lawyer. Not telling them is still lying and still cheating.

I was limerent on someone who was with another a long time ago when I was single. I never said a peep but I suffered greatly all that time. Limerence can be a great burden. All I can say is that it took a great effort for me to stop focusing on it. It would come up in my dreams for years after. Now WS should not have put themselves in that position to begin with and should have fought the Limerence as I did, but it is extremely difficult to live with.

This is why I have compassion for WS who struggle and wish to return to happiness with their BS.

Limerence can be broken suddenly and for those that had that happen, I'm happy for them. Their suffering was over. Being a BS watching a limerent WS is no picnic either. The pain lasts longer for the BS after the WS Limerence is done.

It pisses me off because they are posting about how terrible they feel and how wonderful AP is and all I can think is why the fuck didn’t you leave. Why don’t you just leave your BS but no you love your lifestyle and the BS playing the pick me dance. Your weighing the pros and cons. Hmmm what do I like better ego kibbles and porn star sex or dinner on the table clean laundry bills paid and public image. Decisions decisions.

I have read wayward almost daily for two years. There are many threads that are about all the things they are sorry for doing. People concentrate on things that affirm their own bias so I guess there are a number of you here that should have filed for divorce a long time ago. For the most part, the ws here are working their ass off, I know my wife does I am not sure why the venom then has to go towards them. My suggestion is don’t feed your bitterness by reading over there if you can’t take in what is really being said. It doesn’t help you.

Don't feed my bitterness? I'll reiterate what's already been said in that it must be nice to have a WS that really gets it, makes effort, and moves heaven and earth to repair the damage they caused. Wonderful for you if you have that. I doubt there's a BS here who would say they wouldn't want the same. Some of us aren't as fortunate as you, and please don't come back with a dismissive "then get a D" because it's not always that easy or possible. As for attacking your wife I don't know if you mean me because this wasn't about any one individual.

I wander over to Wayward now and then to try to grasp how they think. How they reason away their actions. Their thoughts looking back on their infidelity and about their AP. Maybe if my WH cared enough to answer my fucking questions I'd be able to shed some light on the mindset it takes to do one of the most selfish and destructive acts a person could to someone they profess to love. Their spouse. Most of the time I don't respond to threads and can only read a little before I have to stop. You bet it's triggering AF. Being married to an unremorseful spouse adds more pain on top of pain, but you don't have that issue and that's great for you. I do hence the vent.

Striver

We all could love more than one person, no doubt. But if that happens during a marriage then the WS can leave if their heart is with the AP. Pining over them as their BS reels is only making R that much harder if even possible.

Greeneyesbluezy

They would have to experience it themselves to really understand. They may get some insight by reading but the emotion, the grief, shock, numbness, and all the rest, no. Gotta live it to get it.

ShatteredSakura

I'm truly sorry for your heartbreak.

Stilldenying

You're welcome

fareast

Your two cents are worthy in my book. I hear everything you're saying, I do. I commend the handful of WS's who reply on a BS thread such as Hikingout, and who will actively try to pull a fellow WS out of their foggy wayward thinking. It does take courage to post and you're right again that most wouldn't ever consider such a thing. Including my WH. Totally out of the realm of possibility.

But, when you peel away everything there still remains an act of selfishness that has caused extraordinary damage. That elicits primal and pure rage and those few WS's that try to help get that. They understand to the best of their ability and take the heat. That it's about raw pain that perhaps a BS has no other outlet for. Pain is at the heart of this post.

The outrage you read is not bitterness, it is a seed of doubt. What you see is the question of why do i bother if this is what is really going on in the WS head.

66charger nailed it.

I agree that it’s the ego kibbles that they are addicted to but guess what-I don’t give a shit. They weren’t entitled to those ego kibbles.

I find cheating one of- if not the most selfish and immature thing someone can do.

If you want to pine for the ap? Let your bs know and let them decide if they still want to try to r with that or chat with their lawyer. Not telling them is still lying and still cheating.

((((Deephurt))))

Yes it would be nice if we had a say in something wouldn't it. We had no say when they strayed, that's for sure. After DDay I think a BS is more than entitled to truth they need to move forward. If they are twisting themselves inside out for a WS who still pines for the AP it's cruel IMO.

I don't know if my WH pines for his MOW. About a month after DDay he made the incredible statement that she wasn't even a blip on his radar. I was astounded at the ludicrousness of that. After a LTA that had just ended there's no way that was possible even though he's a narcissist.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 10:02 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Why don’t you just leave your BS but no you love your lifestyle and the BS playing the pick me dance. Your weighing the pros and cons. Hmmm what do I like better ego kibbles and porn star sex or dinner on the table clean laundry bills paid and public image. Decisions decisions.

Perfectly said Thanksgiving2016.