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I am needing as much non judgemental advice as I can get. I have been in a relationship with my affair partner for 9.5 years. 2 days ago he died in a car accident. I am gutted.

Over the years I have met his wife and 22 year old son casually when he did work on my car, all under the guise of "friend". It is very likely they will expect me at the funeral.

I am currently not in a relationship but was in a common-law relationship when we began our affair.

Our relationship involved a great deal of communication via text, messenger and WhatsApp. His phone survived the car crash and was given to his wife and son. The phone was password protected but once you are beyond that, all the apps are open. I can see on my end that they have indeed been past his password and into the apps we used to communicate. As of now, I can see that they have not specifically clicked on my name. I know this because the last few messages that I sent him the morning of his death have still yet to be read.

It is only a matter of time before his wife or son becomes aware in explicit detail of our relationship and the complex grief and tsunami of emotion that will likely ensue.

Part of me thinks that I should meet with his wife (shortly after the funeral) and tell her myself so that she has the opportunity, if she chooses, to protect her son from the discovery. I can't imagine her wanting her son to see his father in such a damning light. I fear this is the risk if she is not aware the evidence is just sitting at his fingertips to discover.

I am writing this matter of factly, partly because I am numb and partly because I just need advice not judgement. I am very much grieving and rightfully experiencing disenfranchised grief.

Unless they specifically contact you, and ask you to come to the funeral, you should probably stay away, for your own safety.

In fact, you probably shouldn't go even if they do contact you.

You cannot make it better. Things could get a lot worse.

Depending upon what is on that phone, and what they read, someone might try to make it two funerals.

Seriously, think about that a long time.

Wow. Well, there’s no easy answer here. I would personally let his family grieve without you in the picture. It’s possible they may never click on the messages. If they do, let them take the lead on reaching out to you to find out more. If they don’t, let them have happy memories of their loved one. Why ruin his memory for them if you don’t have too?

Leave it alone. Definitely do not go to the funeral. Sadly as the OW, you really don’t have that right and it would cause more damage to his wife and son if they do find out who are you really are (not just a friend).

I agree with the others. Don't go to the funeral. You don't have a right to be there. It'll only cause more bitterness having you there when they think about it later.

Is this the same man that you posted about years ago who was hiring escorts? If so, his family is going to be in for a great deal of pain once they find out about that as well. Unfortunately, you can't protect them nor is it your place to try. I would day that you should only talk to the wife of she approaches you with questions first. Then be totally honest with her.

Do not go to that funeral. You may pay your respects at the cemetery, at a later date. But the funeral is for family and friends, and you were neither of those. You are an interloper. An intrusion into this Woman's marriage, and in that son's family. You helped their husband, and his father, be the worst version of himself.

I'm sorry you are grieving, but it is not your place to go to that funeral. What you need to do, is finally show that family the respect they deserve. You need to not intrude into one more minute of his time that he has with his family.

I don't care if you are expected to go to the funeral. As you said, once they are aware of who you are, the very last memory they want of their husband And father, will be that you were with them at his funeral.

Start making better choices. Start becoming a decent person today. Stay away. And, if his wife does contact you and ask you questions, the kindest thing you can do for her is to answer them honestly. He obviously loved his wife, or he would have left her for you. He did not. He would not want her to struggle and question, and wonder what ifs. He would want to have the truth.

Also, do not begin to imagine what his wife would want for their child. That is none of your business. What she chooses to tell her son, is absolutely up to her.

Gently - you have no business or place in their lives.

Do you grieving in private.

Please see an IC to work out your not only your grief but why you allowed yourself to be nothing more than a side piece to this guy for 9.5 years and were OK with that.

You may want to take advantage of a free attorney consultation to get legal advice of what you should/can do/say should you be contacted. As others suggested - this could end far worse than it is now.

His wife is grieving the loss of what she believes was her loving and faithful spouse and father to her children. Throw in finding out that 9.5 years of her life were a lie and that she and her children knew you as a friend? Wow - that's trauma brain overload on the part of his wife.

NC should be in place even in death.

Yeah. Don’t say a word until they contact you and don’t go to the funeral. I can only imagine how icky they would feel looking back at the funeral knowing you were there and what you had done. I felt icky when someone unplanned (and peripheral to my dad’s closest circle) felt entitled to jump up with an unexpected and unappreciated eulogy at our carefully planned funeral service for my dad. Magnify that feeling a million times: Your presence will ruin a key starting point of their acceptance of his death and grief even more.

And I am sure they will find it. I was so distraught when my dad passed and we read through all his emails, read letters, his directory, calendar - anything to connect with him better. When there were relevant topics we forwarded some stuff to his friends too, as they wanted that connection. Luckily for me all I found was stuff that made me love my dad even more and made me feel sentimental. They will likely be in for a very painful discovery soon and you can do nothing to ease it for them - it is an unimaginable blow they will receive at the worst time - but you can at least answer questions when asked.

Seek counseling to process the grief privately. Agree with above to perhaps consult an attorney. You may want to think about the possibility of moving depending on size of your community and how far this information blows up and gets shared.

I noticed you posted some years ago as a BS - is this AP the same person ?

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:19 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

I understand that in your mind and heart, this was a relationship. I urge you not to speak of your affair in those terms if his wife contacts you. There was an explosive thread recently about the word "relationship" when applied to infidelity. You will most likely fan the flames if you refer to it that way.

I agree with everyone that the only respectful thing you can do at this point is to stay clear, brace for the fallout of inevitable discovery, and be as honest and neutral as possible when and if his widow decides to contact you. You might start writing out a timeline of the A now. It could help you process your own grief, and then you could have it ready to go if she calls or writes to you. Making her wait for answers at that point would be cruel, and doing it now will allow you to choose your words carefully.

Roch

Confused. Is this "boyfriend" the same one you refered to in your posting of Nov 25 , 2016?

[This message edited by Georgyboy at 8:25 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

I think you have received some incredible replies to your question, nobody has judged you in these. I think you must know in your heart that this could destroy his family when they already feel immense pain. Without doubt they will examine his phone at some stage.

Please do nothing that will cause them any further hurt.

You do need to get IC for yourself quickly.

Roch,

Sorry for your loss.

If the OMW asks you for the truth please do not minimize or omit.

Do not go to the funeral unless the truth is known and you receive her permission.

Firstly, thank you for the helpful advice and insight. It was what I needed.

I am feeling a little distressed and confused by those that advise legal advice. Is it because of concern of physical harm or is there something of a legal/contractual/lawsuit nature that I might want to be aware of or proactive in?

(((Roch)))

So sorry for your pain and loss.

Sending much love and many hugs your way.

Is it because of concern of physical harm or is there something of a legal/contractual/lawsuit nature that I might want to be aware of or proactive in?

From my perspective - all of the above. Her DDay will be forever tied with the trauma of her WH's death. That's pain beyond comprehension. The phrase double whammy doesn't even come close.

There is a very strong probability that she (ETA - or a loved one) will want vengeance. And will come after you [hopefully only metaphorically] with both barrels cocked.

[This message edited by Chaos at 11:57 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

... or is there something of a legal/contractual/lawsuit nature that I might want to be aware of or proactive in?

I'm not an attorney, but as a BW, the first thing I'd do is hire a forensic accountant, find out whether there was a sizable dissipation of marital assets, and if so, whether I could sue the affair partner for the return of my share of it. I'd also be finding out if one can sue posthumously if I was in an "alienation of affections" state.

Your best bet is to give the grieving widow a really wide berth and hope you can stay off her radar.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ETA: And I agree with the other posters as to (1) stay away from the BW, the son, the funeral, all of it.

And

(2) do a timeline to enable you to be honest with the BW or son if they come to you for answers. Finding the info on the phone will completely shatter her reality. And it will happen in the context of his death, so you may be the only person who can help her piece it together (IF she wants that - she may not).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:07 PM, November 21st, 2019 (Thursday)]

Roch,

Sorry to hear about your loss. It is double hard since you are not allowed to openly grieve or say your farewells.....

In some respects, perhaps this is not discovered, or the person that does says nothing to anyone in respect of not tarnishing a dead man's image..

Or they may reach out to you (in anger or desperation).

I suggest waiting it out to see if you are approached and then deal with it tactfully.

There is nothing to be done - no flowers, no attendance at funeral home. Nothing. That sucks for you, but that is your place and always was.

Who knows, maybe his W knew and put up with it...One cannot speculate.

If approached - be respectful. Nothing to gain otherwise.

You have received some wonderful advise. Everyone, myself included, recommends that you NOT attend the funeral. It is not your place. Do not reach out to the his widow or son. Let them grieve the husband/father they thought they new. I suggest IC for you.