SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Literally. He has anxiety along with bipolar 1 and is currently having a panic attack. He’s texting me from the bathroom saying he’s going to destroy so and so or I know it was this person who is “spreading rumors” and I’ll tell their boss.

It’s no one he’s said. I found texts. And I’ve been on SI long enough to be able to realize that the texts are not innocent (you are a priority to me or texting the day our son is born)

I texted ow immediately when I found out- she said yes Wh said he loved her a month ago. (2 days before our son was born) and then I asked for specifics. She said she didn’t remember, and had I talked to Wh? When I texted later in the day “just give me generally what he said” she didn’t answer back.

An innocent person would be very transparent. Wh has his phone locked. I don’t *think* it’s a PA. Im not sure if it won’t become a PA. I know it’s an EA. He’s telling her that she’s in an abusive relationship because her husband yells at her, etc, I hate to admit it, but i think he’s saying that to get her to leave her husband. She’s having troubles in her marriage and he sees an easy in.

Plus,he’s been losing weight and started taking propecia for hair loss. Ugh. Could you be any more cliche? It’s like I’m married to Stan zbornack from golden girls

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:05 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Follow the steps to evict him and get out of this mess. You have suffered enough.

gotta - spend your time getting out of this mess and WORK ON YOU! you're spending too much time on what he's doing and how he's reacting. Spend that time on YOU!

Is he taking his meds? Does he need to go to the ER? This needs to be the very clam and objective response to these histrionics. If he is out of control, maybe he needs to go elsewhere. You are the injured party here. Your WH sounds like he is trying to manipulate both you and the situation. Blameshifting will not help him or you. He has done all of this to himself, so if he is in the bathroom, he should look in the mirror.

Start the 180 so that you can detach. It is about your (and your kids') healing and safety NOT him. He is obviously not a safe partner or father if he continued to engage in destructive behavior. What has he done to show you that he should have the opportunity to stay in your life? Actions, NOT words. Words are cheap and cheaters are proven liars.

I asked for specifics. She said she didn’t remember, and had I talked to Wh? When I texted later in the day “just give me generally what he said” she didn’t answer back.

WOW! She can't remember the specifics of a "friend" saying he loved her a month ago? Oh no. She remembers. She's hiding for a reason. Because if she was innocent and your WH was taking it too far himself, she would have been shocked and appalled by his confession and would have distanced herself from him.

Your WH is acting ridiculously. You've repeatedly asked him to drop OW. You've explained to him point by point how what he was doing with her was inappropriate and how it made you feel. The only thing he's shocked about is that you finally found out the truth and are standing up for yourself. He really thought you would still believe his lies and accept whatever inappropriate relationship he would have with OW.

Gotta, you have to “put your mask on first”. BS’s often ask about contacting the AP, and you are getting text book gaslighting—from both of them. What more do you need?

This is not your first go at this, I cannot imagine trying to handle it all with a newborn. You deserve so much better.

Quit focusing solely on trying to make sense out of the nonsense that comes out of his mouth. Have you got an appointment with an attorney? You know that should be your main focus, not the other white noise.

I don’t recall, have you told her H what is going on? Because we also know the abusive husband is often exaggerated to stop you from telling him.

AnnieOakley- Wh actually told me a few days/ week ago that I was gaslighting him. He said when I say “Bob is having a bipolar episode” its gaslighting. I’m making everything about his bipolar .

I was like, noooo... that’s not what gaslighting means. But i did apologize for always blaming stuff on his bipolar. Recently he’s been acting like an asshole so I do tell my kids dads having a bipolar episode so they don’t think it’s them . I can tell when it’s a manic episode, his eyes change and his “aura”

Is different (I don’t know if that’s what it’s called... but just standing near him you can FEEL the rage and irritability.

I’ve never been told the other bs is abusive, that was solely in texts between Wh and ow. I haven’t told him yet.

And attorneys... ugh. My Wh knows every attorney within a 2 hour radius. Finding one that doesn’t have a conflict of interest will suck.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:40 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Why talk to her. You should talk to her husband. I would just tell him he’s an A hole with bipolar. Not the other way around.

So?

Locked phone = divorce papers in my household.

I talked to my Wh who admitted the texts were inappropriate. He apologized. Im so confused. I love him and one minute I think he’s got it and understands and wasn’t thinking and it will stop. Then another minute I think he’s having an emotional affair! He’s not stupid. I’ve been telling him for months that he’s too close to this woman. This is bad! There’s no apologies and let’s forget it!

I just want to go back to life about 7-8 months ago. Before he started the texting and all with this woman.

gotta - you need to employ the 180 to work on yourself. Get some distance from him so you can see clearly.

Last night he was apologetic- this morning he is yelling that we talked enough about it ( we actually were in separate rooms texting about it) . I sent him screenshots of texts I had and said there are inappropriate, and he agreed, and asked how he would feel if I was getting texts like this from a man (his answer was awful)

This morning I brought it up and he got very defensive and said we’ve talked enough about it.

I just want an apology! I think he has said he’s sorry but I need more that that, just real remorse.

You said he apologized so move on then. It is clear to me that you u prefer to rug sweep this EA and hope that he stops. He is certainly not remorseful so you can forget about that too.

He is going to emotionally badger and abuse you, gaslight you, etc. until you stop bringing it up. And of course he is going to continue the behaviors w this woman or someone else. Wash, rinse, repeat.

You have unfortunately taught him well how you will allow yourself to be treated.

You and your children deserve better.

**dupe**

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 8:52 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

First of all - bravo in that Stan Zbornak from Golden Girls reference. That made me spit my coffee laughing.

2nd of all - much like SZ - he is what he is. And will only straighten up and fly right long enough to get you to STFU.

IDGAF if he has anxiety, bipolar or the common cold. If he's using it as a crutch excuse for his affair or behavior after getting discovered [again] it is complete and utter bullshit.

Stop texting OW. Just stop. She's enjoying her position as the top of his "love" triangle. And he's enjoying his [ahem] candle being burned at both ends.

IMHO - consult an attorney. Know your rights. You and your son deserve far better.

And while you are at it - tell her BS and their boss. Without warning. Let the chips fall where they may. If it all blows sky high - pull up a chair and s'more fixins.

Again, STOP engaging with him and focus on yourself. Youre not listening to anyone here gotta. Why?

I’m not against taking this group’s advice. I just feel that life is a little surreal right now, and that I can’t think clearly. I sort of felt that way before this with getting up all hours with the new baby and being on no sleep. But now I feel like I’m not thinking clearly. I feel like I need time to sort this out and figure out what to do.

And lol about seeing an attorney. Wh knows every attorney within a two hour radius. Honestly I just want custody. Everything else is background noise. If I can get sole custody of the baby I’m good. (Wh signed papers to give me sole custody of our older kids in 2011, not sure if they are still valid, but the papers do say valid even in the case of reconciliation)

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:06 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

I just feel like ow is better than me because she’s a lawyer and is smart and works. I’m a fat stupid housewife. I’m boring. I can’t talk about work to Wh because I don’t know about that stuff. I don’t even homeschool my kids anymore. All I do is drive. Drive to school, sports, lactation consultant, diabetes educator, tomorrow it’s to the dermatologist an hour away and then the parade that my kids are in 45 minutes from home... I do nothing interesting or intellectual that I can have a conversation about. And I’m a month out of having my baby and my stomach is huge and I’m still 25 lbs over weight and I am disgusting and don’t even shower every day. Honestly who would want to talk to me? I see her appeal.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:07 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Gotta honey you are in an abusive relationship. period.

It isnt about how you look or act or what you are vs what the OW is. Its about the kibbles she is giving him.

Maybe just maybe you would be able to feel a bit better about yourself if you could get some real rest and some peace in your life. Can a family member (from your side) come stay and help you for a couple weeks? If you had some real support you would feel much better about yourself. For God sake woman you just grew another human and then had it removed from you like a tumor. You need to heal and until you physically heal you wont lose weight or get back to pre-baby weight and who TF cares if you dont. That's not the measure of a good parent.

Call every damn attorney in your area that doesnt work at his firm. Just knowing him doesn't preclude them from representing you or giving you direction and solid advice.

Stop interacting with your H. He is literally a trained manipulator. Of course he has you questioning everything. Keep him out of your bed. 180 180 180.

Also tell him he needs to get up with the baby all night tonight and get a full night's sleep for your own mental well being.