SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I appreciate all your support.

I’m so glad I’ve been patient. I have looked through his email account, which has YEARS of unread messages. I am highly suspicious that he has had (might still be having) an affair with a former coworker of his who also happens to be a friend of mine. She’s single, never married, no kids. If itvv b turns out that’s the case, I’ll give more details later.

I’ve decided I’ll confront this coming Wednesday. (I’m keeping 2 toddler grandchildren until then.). I will only confront re: the pills. I plan to ask what made him decide to get them, then I have questions for him like where he was when hevv VH took them, where was I at the time, who was with him when he got the desired effect. If the coworker’s name comes up, well, there we have it. I actually think he’ll refuse to talk.

Whatever he’s been up to, it’s been 4.5 years without my knowledge, so I can’t imagine staying with someone who holds me in such low regard.

I hope to get a meeting with my lawyer Thursday or Friday next week to plan to prepare petition to divorce. I’m working on a list of what I want for temporary orders and for final settlement, if it comes to that.

I will only confront re: the pills. I plan to ask what made him decide to get them

Hold On First. At the moment I can't think of a good way to confront him with the pills. But before you do let's get together here as an SI team and come up with a good set of questions in a logical order.

My point is you want to confront in a way that you know about the pills but he does not know you know about the pills. This forces the truth, which you need vs some lie or TT as we call it here.

My plan is to bring up the good time we had on the vacation( see my first post) and times since then, and let him know I was wondering about the positive (ahem!) change. See where conversation goes from there. Will he say he got them right before the trip? Or confess (no way) that he’s had and used them since 2015.

Then maybe the next day push harder for an explanation.

The questions I’ve put in a chart numbered 1 - 55 for the ones that were used prior to the vacation are: when did you use the tablet. Where were you when you took the tablet. Where were you when you wanted the effect of the tablet. Where was I when you used it. Why did you take it. Who was with you when you wanted the effects of the tablet.

I still think it’s possible he has paid for pleasure, thus some of the questions.

I’m at the point of having a lot of upset stomach....and I get shaky when I’m thinking about confronting. Ugh.

[This message edited by ohsospecial at 11:54 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

I don't know if he will be honest,if he's been with another woman. He will probably tell you he used them to masturbate.

Question: does a man need these to masterbate? I was told no.

If the answer is yes, he kept them in sight, is it possible he was using them for solo sex? He may have been using them to masterbate thinking you didn’t want to be involved.

Why use DuckDuckGo? Why does a person need their searches invisible? Because he’s searching porn?

Viagra is very expensive, $100 tablet (maybe more). No paper trail? Also how the heck is he the prescribing doctor? FCH AP asked my husband who is a doctor to write HER the prescription in her name. He refused. Afraid to. Not afraid to cheat with a limp peepee and no protection!

Being married to a doctor makes looking at the phone bill difficult. Numbers from everywhere. Plus they have so many email accounts, phones, pagers, etc. Not easy to track.

I found the most information on his phone search. Once my husband hooked up with his old college gf his sexual appetite flew off the rails. The sex searches I saw on his phone were sickening. Everything except animals and children. Remember they are not searching on computers, (WiFi) from work because others could catch them. They are doing it on cell phones or other cellular devices. That way work can’t track it. Btw, a huge amount goes on at work.

Best of luck. I hope it’s nothing

Wow your a rockstar. You have done everything right!!!

So can I suggest that you just have him served the divorce papers.

He actually kept the viagra open for you to find. He doesn’t care about you and he’s been lying for years!!!!

Take him to the cleaners and let him suffer financially.

He’s no good... he’s been using you!!!

Are you ever going to trust him! Can you inform HR since she works in the same office.. you know others in the office know about their affair. See if your PI can get statements from them.

This is so disrespectful for you. Doctors are notoriously narcissistic.. I know my father was one cheated on his 1st wife and obviously my mom with several women. Of course he blamed the wives. I hated him but honestly I hated my mother more for being that sow. They didn’t have a happy marriage! Karma...

So don’t trust anything he says. He will lie. Get your divorce papers ready and have them ready to serve him.

Just sidetrack from post ann1960, DuckDuckGo is not about secret searches, they still show up an computer history. It is more so advertisers do not track you.

Yes, and when you asked him about his...ahem...performance and he denies the use of a pill maybe just wait a day or two and see if he hides them.

Redfish, I plan to “softball” the initial questions about the magic pills, because I definitely think he will then hide them. Then a day or so later, if he hasn’t decided to tell the truth, I’ll play hardball and bring out the photos of all the bottles and their contents. I took those photos and printed them out right after our vacation. (There’s an extra set being kept by a trusted friend.)

HurtBeyond, I don’t think I can trust him again. And I have a deep self-respect (odd, since I have suffered from severe depression), and I am not even able to imagine continuing to allow myself to be treated with such deception.

I’m kind of concerned how he will react. I’m guessing he will stonewall, but there’s a possibility he will get angry enough to frighten me. That’s happened maybe 5 times in 36 years. I plan to have a packed bag in my car the day I confront, in case I want to leave the house. Heck, I might get so angry that I should leave the house...

Wow. This sounds like you’re playing games. Why bother? Just show him the pictures.

And LEAVE. Walking on eggshells is hell.

Do you have more evidence than just him taking ED pills?

If I'm reading this correctly, your only evidence is that he has Viagra and some are missing?

Do you have any sort of sex life with him? Is he initiating anything with you where he might take them "just in case"...IE date nights, hollidays?

I ask because, for a lot of men, it is very embarrassing topic. You can research various forms that discuss the topic of ED among men and there are major insecurities surrounding seeking help.

Men try all kinds of ways to keep their ED hidden...herbal solutions, all kinds of testosterone replacement for other issues that they hope will fix it, "research chemicals" from garage chemists...

There are entire forums dedicated to it.

Also, there are universal topics that are discussed and a MAJOR one is not to tell your wife you are taking them as she will feel like she isn't sexy, isn't good enough, and will see her man as less of a man...if he was a "real man" he wouldn't need ED drugs...and if he does need them, she must be fat/ugly/not attractive enough for him...or worse, he gets accused of being gay...cheating...or similar.

The internet manosphere is replete with first person stories of men who tried to explain to their wife about how they were taking ED drugs, only to get harshly ridiculed and rejected by her.

If your only evidence is the medication...go easy on him. He may not be cheating...he may just have ED and be trying to fix it.

I don't think I would go straight to D papers when all you have is that he has used ED medication.

[This message edited by WalkingHome at 1:50 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

You should write in your Journal how much information, lies you need before you will make a decision. Take an introspective look at your dead bedroom.

What happened to your PI for his out of town conference at the end of February? If you confront before the trip that could change his plans for infidelity.

If he uses Viagra to masturbate why don't pills disappear on a regular basis? A pill disappears when he goes on a trip. When at home he does not have an opportunity for "alone" time? Why does he not want to use them with you except while on vacation?

This sucks but kudos to you for getting your ducks in a row if this all does down. Viagra is meant for one thing only... erectile dysfunction! Which means at his age he is going through a bought of "manopause" and can't get it up when he's feeling frisky. When men are low on testosterone they don't have the urges to masturbate as much as they did when they are 20. He's using that excuse because he knows you won't question that reason. Why medicate yourself just to jerk off? It seems he can't say its for you so by the process of elimination you can only assume its another woman.

Don't always let their behavior fool you. They all arent horrible when they are cheating. Sometimes they are too good to avoid getting caught. I had no clue my husband was talking to anyone because his behavior didn't change at all. Sometimes we take for granted that everything is all right in our relationships if we don't see it right before us. Your very lucky you have the resources to hire a PI. If caught do you think he has the ability to change his behavior and repair your marriage? Will it be so easy for you to walk away from it? You need to look at those posibilities.

[This message edited by bluephoenix at 1:33 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

WalkingHome, we had a sexless marriage from 2012-2018. The earliest date on bottles I found was in the fall of 2015.

Two years ago, when I suggested he send a Valentine gift to his mom from a chocolate-covered strawberry place, he said ok, and let’s send some to Amy, too (not her real name). Amy is a friend of mine, not super-close, who had worked with him for years. I said, that’s weird, I don’t like that. He said the place was having a special, 3 for 1 or something along those lines. I said then let’s send them to my sister instead (she was widowed very young). No, he wanted to send to Amy.

Well, three weeks ago, I went way back in his emails and found the emailed order confirmations for those Valentines gifts. He hadn’t even opened the emails. Turns out he got me the same thing (strawberries and cheesecake bites) that he got for his mom. But Amy? She got a three day special. Flowers the first day, then 2 consecutive days of the chocolate strawberries. Sure wish I knew the message on those.

I’m actually coming to the conclusion he had a LTA with Amy and it’s over as of about 6 months or so ago. I will find out this week.

KatieKat, you’re right. I’m playing the let’s see if he’ll tell the truth game. But it will only be for one day. I’ve got what I want, and I’ll give him one chance to come clean. I don’t think he will, and that will be one more reason to end it.

I’m calling my lawyer this afternoon to see if I can get an appointment later this week. I’m keeping toddler grandchildren a few days, and they are a handful. Seeing my IC Wednesday afternoon, which should help with my confrontation planning.

37 years down the damn tubes. Along with a career I gave up for my family and his career. Brilliant.

That’s fair. This really sucks but I think you’re doing the right thing. That Valentine’s BS. UGH I’m sorry 💙

Ohsospecial

No advice. You’re covering all the bases. Just wanted you to know I’m sorry it appears to be turning out not too good.

It is still I guess circumstantial but it sounds like this “Amy” person might be what you’re looking for

I’m sure all thoughts are with you

Yeah, I wouldn't listen to the folx that say the viagra was for masturbating. My dad's workmates tried to tell my mom the same thing after he hung himself (guilty much??) Same thing for the pack of condoms she found in his car. I got one of those jerks alone and yes, dad WAS having an affair. Those assholes had known my mom for as long as they had known my dad, and they covered for him, gaslit her, made her feel like she was crazy. Scumbags.

And yeah, the fact that Amy received 3x the gifts you did... even if pigs can fly and he wasn't fucking her, just the gifts alone are divorce-worthy.

OSS, wow. What a find. She also might not have been the only OW either. It's rare that a long term cheater has just one AP. 2012 to 2015 is a long stretch of no sex and clearly him being with her didn't stop him from being intimate with you in 2018.

After you confront your WH, tell Amy's BH if she has one. Blow up her world too.

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I don't think you have enough evidence to accuse him of an affair. Being devil's advocate here, I have a friend who tried Viagra and it caused him severe headaches and dizziness. It is possible your husband tried the Viagra and maybe had a bad reaction to it. The multiple bottles may also be a result of getting a discount for larger quantity. That stuff is expensive, and not usually covered by insurance.

Much of his behavior is suspicious, and if I were in your place my alarms would be going off too.

But I say hold off on ANY kind of confrontation until you get more evidence. If you confront him just over the Viagra, it will drive him farther underground if he thinks you are suspecting him of cheating, and then he will really cover his tracks. He will erase every damning e-mail he can find, and then you will end up with nothing.

Be patient and play this smart. You are not ready to confront yet.

Westway, I appreciate you coming up with alternate explanations, but here are the facts about the prescriptions.

He's a doctor and it's legal in our state for him to prescribe some medications for himself (not scheduled drugs). That's what he has done, at least 5 times. He picks them up at a pharmacy near his work that he does NOT use for his other 2 medications. He apparently pays cash, since I pay all the CC bills and I have NEVER seen a charge from that pharmacy. I had asked him several years ago to maybe try Viagra, and he refused, stating the potential side effects.

Timeline on prescriptions:

The first one I saw that has a date of 2015 was prescribed while I was on a trip with our adult daughter for a few days. And a week after that, I went on a trip for a "significant" birthday for my sister. He and I weren't having sex then.

The next three were prescribed right before he went to out of town meetings for his specialty.

The last one, he got right before a specialty meeting also, but I know he didn't use them with me until 2 months later when we went on our vacation. There were already several missing.

There is another very odd thing. Amy is single - never married, no kids. She likes to entertain small groups of her women friends, like Christmas cookie exchanges, etc. She invited a group of us, via text, to a Valentine's happy hour at her place from 2-5pm. I told my husband I was going but I'd be home in time to make us a nice meal. No real comment. But then the week before, he's looking at the calendar and said maybe he could come too. I said, "You're not invited! It's for the ladies." Then maybe 10 minutes later he's looking at his phone with some concentration, and I asked what he was doing. Said he was checking his work schedule to see if he could take off early to come to the party. I said, "YOU'RE NOT INVITED! Besides, if you're going to take off early from work, why wouldn't you do it so we could go to a movie or something?" He dropped the subject. (He has NEVER, in 36 years of marriage, taken off early to do something fun with me. Yes, he took off for marriage counseling, or leaving for a trip, but NEVER just to hang out.)

Well, then a dear friend of ours who was widowed this summer when her husband died in a tragic accident, ended up needed emergency surgery on Valentine's Day. So I dropped off the cookies I'd made for Amy's party, and headed to the hospital. My husband ended up going to the airport to pick up a family member of hers.

So, WHY THE HELL was he so insistent on coming to a Valentine's party he wasn't even invited to. Was he afraid she'd say something? Or were those red roses I saw that Amy said were from the friends she was dog-sitting for actually from my husband?!?

Well, I'll start getting the truth tomorrow.If he doesn't just clam up, which is his usual MO.

Wish me luck. I'm not sure I've ever been so nervous in my life. Oh, except the time I was on an airplane that dropped about 8000 feet during a thunderstorm and we all thought we were going to die.