SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh, I forgot to mention, in all that wall of text, that if I do not get some truth from him,or if the truth is he's cheating, I will go to the lawyer next week and start drawing up papers.

I have so much to lose. We built a beautiful home in 2010, and I spent hundreds of hours on design with the architect, interior design by myself and with a decorator, etc. I did so much legwork, and would narrow choices down to about 3 of whatever it was, to things I was sure he would like. Then we'd make the final choice. This is where I do EVERYTHING, from my volunteer work (I'm usually the president of whatever I do), to writing, to keeping our grandchildren.

I have no career, because I gave up my profession. Had I stayed in it, I would quite possibly be able to afford the house on my own.

And I have friends who say it's only a house. Nope, I get so much pleasure from my house. And,

IT DOESN"T CHEAT ON ME.

Oh, yeah, and the limits on spousal support in our state are ridiculous, even with adultery, and even with a very long marriage where one spouse gave up a career. Now I know why I see so many little old ladies working retail here.

BUT, if things go sideways, and there's no hope for this relationship, I HAVE to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I will NOT allow myself to be treated like this."

BUT, if things go sideways, and there's no hope for this relationship, I HAVE to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I will NOT allow myself to be treated like this”

I say this to myself several times a day but I find it so hard to put into practice. Good luck to you, and best wishes on keeping strong and keeping your self-respect. I admire how you have handled this. There is no way I could have sat on something like this for so long. Let us know how it goes. Big hugs.

OSS, are you ok? Im so sorry.

Well, I’ll confront this evening (Round 1). He’s going to be home early (5:30), and that gives us time to eat and then I’ll start the discussion. I’m afraid I’ll get really angry, I’m taking a very small dose of my anti-anxiety med.

I will text my neighbor as well as my sister afterwards to let them know I’m ok.

I have a bag packed and in my car so if I feel I’ll get too angry, or if he gets angry, I can head out. I’ve got cash for a hotel room. I also have the option of going upstairs and staying in another bedroom.

And I’ll update here as soon as I can. Thank you for caring.

Good luck tonight, OSS.

Good luck,

Stay calm & keep your witts about you,

I admire your strength.

Good luck, OSS.

Good luck. Glad you took your anti anxiety medicine. Consider recording the conversation on your phone. It’s easy to forget details during an emotional confrontation.

Good Morning, OSS. How did it go?

Hi Ohso,

Checking in. Are you ok? Hope you received some enlightening information.

We had long discussions Thursday and Friday nights. His story is using the pills for porn and masturbation, and sometimes a few if he thought we might have sex. I still have questions about that.

He claims he doesn’t remember sending Amy the three-day love fest Valentines, just that he sent her something. I asked him to go to his account and find the message. Unfortunately, the company got bought out and deleted all accounts. I want to call Amy, on speakerphone with H present, and ask her about that gift and message. Thoughts?

He is adamant no involvement with anyone else. I’m not buying it. Tonight’s discussion will include questions about webcams, chats, cyber stuff. He claims no strip clubs, escorts, massage parlors.

I also told him that his lack of communication has been very expensive so far. Told him we owe my sister $16K. He looked a tiny bit surprised. (He’s been almost totally unreactive so far.) He asked what for. I said PIs and a lawyer. Let him know I’ve retained one of the best in the state, after consulting with 2 others. (BTW, there were no free consultations. Ugh!)

I told him he must get an IC. Mine is mine, and other than perhaps a few joint meetings later, she is MINE.

I stayed at home Thursday, but got a place for last night, tonight, and tomorrow night. I made it VERY clear that my leaving the house was for me to have time to process our talks, and is in no way an indication that I am moving out.

Glad you were able to check in and update.

Have you considered a polygraph? I’m not sure Amy would answer honestly and by now he has probably given her a heads up warning that you know something. The meds for porn seems like a BS story.

Your strength is amazing. Multiple days of confrontation is harsh. Keeping your IC to yourself is smart. I hope having a great attorney increases the likelihood that he will be reasonable if or when it comes to legal issues.

Thank you for responding, Shockedmom.

I’m thinking I may need to file for D so that I can get H under oath. I think he could beat a polygraph. He can be absolutely frozen emotionally.

I’m going to push some tonight, but probably not tomorrow. I’m recoding our talks and then transcribing and printing them out. For my own reference when I talk to my IC. I have xx an appointment with her Monday afternoon.

You’re a champ! I’m sorry you have to do this, but yoi’re doing it right. 💜

We need a medical person to weigh in. Is viagra really used to masterbate? Why? Who cares if it’s firm enough to penetrate. Plus that’s a lot of planning for porn.

I am not believe your control.

Is he acting sorry? Just shocked?

Remember it takes time for them to process too. Not at all defending the CS. My fwh after after DD threw the blame on me. I was so out of control I blamed myself too. I know this sounds crazy. But if he can man up you sound strong enough to take it. You have a lot invested and I would reassure him (even if it’s a lie) that you can work though this if he tells the truth.

You're doing great. I wouldn't bother with Amy. He's going to go straight to her now that he knows you may call her and they will get their stories straight. She probably wouldn't even be honest if he didn't talk to her. The important thing is you saw the charges. You saw her with the a gift that matched the charges. He's lying and there's nothing else to it.

I don't find a single thing he said convincing in the slightest but even of he was telling the truth about the pills, there's absolutely no way he's being honest about Amy. He's doing exactly what you said he would. Lie and deny.

Wait a minute. If im not wrong you pointed a dead bedroom for some years begore while he had purchased viagra, no? If yes, then why using the viagra back then when he clearly didnt want sex with you?

Im sorry if i misrrad something, op. And sorry youre suffering this.

If you didnt contact Amy and they had/have something, he now had time to call her and tell the news already.

Before we go frothing at the mouth for D...let's take a hard look at the evidence.

Your proof is Viagra...your DB...and that he bought Vday presents for another woman in the past?

I get your suspicion. I don't get going to level 10...full Divorce...without something a lot more solid than that.

In the nicest way possible- You come across just wanting to D...as angry, pissed off, kinda vindictive...and generally not loving towards your H at all. You have been 100% HE IS GUILTY...BURN HIM...from minute one here.

Is there some back story here? As in...most people come in shocked, sad, wanting to repair their M...but you don't seem to want to do that?

Regarding the evidence- There is a lot of smoke, but you aren't finding fire. You spent 16K (WOW) without consulting/informing him...and he is the primary earner? That's not ok...and again, seems vindictive, like you want to punish him for something you can't even prove he did.

Regarding your dead bedroom, have you both sat down and talked about this? Why is it dead...and not just your version, what would your H say is the reason it is dead? Has he made requests you denied? Has he initiated at all and been rejected? What would he say was the cause?

Viagra and similar ED drugs are used by men with ED for porn and self stimulation. To be blunt...you can't help yourself out if you are limp...at least not very well. On top of that, a LOT of men will take something similar if there is even a chance they might have sex with their wife that night. Again, as I said before- if you research ED drugs, one of the biggest issues is that you must plan ahead and that means guessing whether you will or won't have sex later. About as many pills get taken with no sex as with sex due to this guessing game. Optimism and hope will result in taking the pill...then no sex...so he helps himself out and it is what it is.

I wouldn't expect any man to share this with his spouse as it is deeply humiliating to have ED and to have to plan sex 4-6 hours in advance or be unable to perform. Better to simply take the pill early and hope...then if no sex, so be it. Women seem to thrive on spontaneous events...and ED pills kill this, making sex robotic. This kills sex drive. So, men hide the use of the pills and take them in the hopes of sex that often doesn't even happen.

In short, you searched his mail...no proof. You searched everything you could find...no proof. The viagra isn't proof. You confronted, got pretty rough...nothing.

Now you want to go full D?

I am thinking you are maybe dealing with something bigger than ED pills and Vday presents here. His side of the story would be interesting to hear.

To be clear- I'm not saying you are wrong, OP. I'm just saying there is either more to this...or you are a bit aggressive on the D train. You talk about the house like you love it more than your H.

[This message edited by WalkingHome at 2:17 PM, March 2nd (Monday)]

Ohso - I aint buying it. "I don't remember" is the number one excuse/lie that cheaters will tell their spouses.

I too would push back a bit on the whole poly thing - see what his reaction is. This can be quite telling, in fact scheduling one and then letting him know when it is can be helpful in getting the confession you want.

In the same theme I would demand that he go get tested for STD's, if he hasn't cheated, he will jump at the chance to show you he is, if he has any doubts he will push back and argue how ridiculous it is, and that he will not be shamed or embarrassed because of blah blah blah.

At the end of the day he has been lying and lying for quite some time based on the dates of the Viagra. I don't care if he has ED your his spouse and you would be the first person in the world to know he has it, and as such he shouldn't be ashamed to get help for it. It is a medical condition in many middle aged men, so what Walking Home posted is a very narrow minded and unhealthy view of ED and tx.

Hang in there OhSo. You deserve the truth, and to be treated with love and kindness. Not anger, and gaslighting.

You deserve the truth, and to be treated with love and kindness. Not anger, and gaslighting.

Everything TN said Ohso. Your doing great. Also take what you need, leave the rest (in regards to posts on your threads).