SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

married 16 yrs. 2 children. Dated for 2-3 yrs prior to marriage.

Marriage was stressed and I owe a lot of that to me. I began to suspect something at the end of July but I was not certain. After a weekend where my wife and I went in opposite directions out of town, I checked her location in find my iPhone to make sure she had made it home safe with our kids. (It was around midnight on Saturday night). I noticed she took a very out of the way route home, going by a place she had been on multiple occasions for “girls night”. I

I slept on everything for a day and on Monday morning before I left for the office, I confronted her. She denied that there was anyone else and that I was unhappy. The next evening she suggested a separation. We talked that evening and it was placed on hold.

During that week I began snooping and found a name. I then looked up the address she had frequented and found he lived there. She did the deny, deny, deny tactic. Even when her explanation made absolutely no sense. Finally, she came clean that Saturday. (Or at least vaguely clean). She admitted to also creating an eharmony account. She said it was over and had been for a few weeks. A few days later she received a series of texts from him which I read. I confronted her immediately and she said she had no idea why. Over the next week or two we began having an enormous amount of sex (2-3 times per day) and doing more things together. Of course I felt better about things.

Our daughters dance season began. On one night she would be in studio for 4 hours and my wife had a friend that lived nearby. So she dropped our daughter off and then called me shortly after asking me to meet for dinner. She then changed her mind and went to her friends house and they downed 2 bottles of wine and my wife asked me to pick up our daughter as she was not good to drive. I stopped by her friends house to check on her and within 3 minutes a flurry of texts came in from him. After that night she said it was over with him.

The texts stopped coming in so I began to get comfortable with how things were going. A few weeks later she left to get coffee and left her phone unlocked. I snooped and found recent pictures of him, and that she had searched him on Facebook almost every day. I drew the line and she gave me her phone to block him everywhere I wanted. She also gave me her passcode.

That was almost 2 months ago.

She never really provided much detail about things and most of what I know is pieced together from things I have found. I inadvertently cost him a job or at least working at a specific site.

I do know my wife has been discussing divorce with her friends for awhile. It also seems to be around the sane time she ran into this guy though....

It broke me. It impacted my work and I struggled with coping. The reality of everything would occasionally hit me and I would be completely out of whack for days. She has done things to put me at ease but my insecurities are creating some friction. As time passes I try to continue to give her more and more space. I try not to smother her. Some days I fail miserably. There are periods where I am so needy and constantly asking her for reassurance. We have a Disney. Vacation coming up at the end of the month so we shall see how everything goes. First is our anniversary this weekend though. I don’t expect much out of her for it so I will carry this load as well.

Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found us. It doesn't sound like she's done anything to figure out why she cheated, or to help you feel safe. If she's already been talking about divorce, it would be a good idea for you to see a divorce attorney (or 3) to find out your rights and what to expect.

Were you happy in the marriage before this happened?

Welcome Account -

None of this is your fault. First and foremost understand that. She chose to deceive you and did so repeatedly. That has ZERO to do with who you are as a spouse, father, and partner. It has 100% to do with her being a very broken person.

Now what to do?

1. See an attoney - Find out your rights, and her obligations. Understand what Divorce (D) or Separation (S) mean to you. You cannot make an informed decision to stay/go rebuild/rugsweep etc until you have all the information at hand.

2. Go get STD tested. Tell her to go get STD tested, and I mean everything, that means bloodwork and pelvic. Do not accept her telling you the results, get them in hand printed off from her physician portal. After all she is a cheater, and cheaters lie, a lot. You don't say if it was physical or not, if you know it was then this is non-negotiable, if she says it wasn't then she should jump at the chance to prove she is clean, if she argues or bawlks it's a giant red flag. Do NOT waiver, and do NOT have unprotected sex w/ her until she tests clean. This also changes the dynamic of your stance and power for things. Right now you are just letting her do whatever, and trying to nice her back. That doesn't work.

3. Demand a timeline of her A. Give her a week. If she doesn't give it to you by then, kick her out of your bedroom. Again, you need to show her you are willing to work with her, but you are not going to be a doormat. Again taking back your power.

4. This is quite possibly the most traumatic thing you have been through, and if you are struggling with sleeping and eating, then see your Dr. You cannot keep your emotions in check and heal yourself if you are not sleeping and eating. Additionally make sure you are taking care of yourself. Stay away from alcohol, it's a depressant and will only bring you down more. Exercise and be kind to you.

Others will be along w/ more advice, but know that we are going to give you advice and info based on what we know to be true w/ infidelity, while each affair is unique all cheaters follow the same shitty behavior patterns. It's true.

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.

Initially she stayed it was not physical but I would be naive to believe that. Based upon her web searches and things she messaged her friends I would say something did happen and I am choosing to believe it did. IEvery time she saw him it was for several hours at his apartment drinking. I know she told her friends he turned her down because she was married BUT later there was a message to her friends where he agreed to a “date”. She got a bikini wax the day before.....

She did have an appointment with her OB/GYN last week for a follow up to another issue. We are waiting on the results.

I know I may not be directly responsible for her infidelity but I am certain I am to blame for at least half of the issues in our marriage. Her friends did not help either. One person she was taking advice from cheated on her husband one time and apparently contracted one of the life long STD’s. Another friend was cheating on her husband around the same time.

I know I may not be directly responsible for her infidelity but I am certain I am to blame for at least half of the issues in our marriage.

Marriage can't MAKE someone choose to cheat.

They do that all on their own. Their choice.

You were in the same marriage, did you make the same choice to go outside the marriage?

No one is a perfect partner and the vast majority of relationships have problems, but don't start your next steps blaming yourself for HER CHOICE.

If she is blaming you, then you have to decide what it is you want next. Until she owns her decision, you don't have a lot to work with as far as her becoming a safe partner. Otherwise, you're simply awaiting her next bad decision.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 3:27 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Were you happy in the marriage before this happened?

I was. The last few years I did not express it well and created space. I would be spiteful and short tempered.

Account4This,

You are getting good advice from senior members of SI, read it carefully. I would add: don’t worry if posters say you didn’t handle it perfectly. There’s no “how to handle a cheating spouse 101” course in high school.

One of the reason you have all these emotions and insecurities is because of the relative rug sweeping that happened here.

You can get out of infidelity through Reconciliation or Divorce. But to R, you need to know what you are Reconciling with.

Do you know exactly what happened? Do you know that it ended?

It doesn’t seem like you do.

So now you have to be firm and calmly lay down the non negotiable requirements for R. One of them is, like other posters have said, a detailed timeline. If she refuses to give you what you need, then you walk the D path. Divorce is bad, but living in infidelity is worst.

Another requirement will be that the friends that encouraged the affair have to go. They are toxic to your marriage.

She thinks that she can make all this go away by having sex with you 3 times a day. It may have worked for a few days, but now, you will need to control the narrative.

If your WW was pursuing him and getting a wax for him, she was probably in love with him. How do you know it’s over?

Keep on posting and you’ll get great advice here. We have all gone through this here at SI and you will too.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:56 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

I know I may not be directly responsible for her infidelity but I am certain I am to blame for at least half of the issues in our marriage.

What you said here, Account, I used to say all the time. But now I don’t say that anymore. My WH discussed his feelings about me and our marriage with his AP, not me. Just a great way for them to bond. I’ve asked him to go to counseling with me. He says no, he doesn’t believe in it. Well, I think he MUST’VE believed in it when his AP was counseling him.

My point is, he could’ve come to me, but he went to her. I could’ve gone to someone else like he did, but I chose to bottle it up and not look for an AP. Yes, I should’ve approached him sooner, but there came a point when he seemed flippant about my feeling neglected and I shut down. I accepted that my life was like this now. Until he finally DID say something! He approached me in the midst of his affair before I knew anything. It was the wake up call I needed; this was my marriage! I started working hard on improving things, but it was too late as I would find out almost 2 weeks later. He never did fight, he just muddied the waters during decision time. He lied about his affair continually and seems to be immune to a wake up call of his own. I hope and pray your wife does get a wake up call because I know what you’re feeling, but tushnurse and old wounds are right....NONE of this is your fault!!!!

Infidelity is NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

NEVER THE BS FAULT

(if in doubt read that again)

You're getting good advice, I would also add for you to EXPOSE the A with OBS/GF (Other Betrayed Spouse/Girlfriend) if any and with family and close friends, As thrive in secrecy plus it typically removes the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspect of it and replaces it with ugliness, embarrassment and shame, in order for you to R successfully first the A needs to END, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure. Demand she writes a complete timeline of the A, it helps by making her face her huge betrayal in black and white, she also needs to send an NC (No Contact)FOREVER text/letter to OM that you approve and watch her hit send, short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes/I will forever miss you or similar), the cheerleader friends who knew about the A and/or enabled it/covered for her also need to go, they are NOT friends of the M, don't waste your time with MC now but demand she goes to IC to find out her "whys" with someone who specializes in infidelity (very important). Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time.

I drew the line and she gave me her phone to block him everywhere I wanted. She also gave me her passcode.

Be careful about this. Even though she handed you her phone to block her AP and gave you her passcode, she will feel resentment, because YOU did the blocking, not her.

Don't be too surprised if it starts up again, because she now resents that you made her do something she did not want to do, then she goes across to her toxic girlfriends (you should expose them to their BHs), and they will tell her that you (Account4This) are controlling her (your WW), and she will agree with them, then she will start up her A again.

It would have been better so tell you WW that you will be moving on, and it is up to her if she wants to R. If she does want to R, then all forms of contact must be stopped/blocked. She makes the decision, not you. You make the decision to continue forward with your life, with or without your WW.

If she has not stopped contact with her toxic cheerleaders, then it has to be stopped. If you have the guts, expose them to their BHs also, not for revenge, but basic human decency, as they should not be living a lie.

Don't be too surprised if it starts up again, because she now resents that you made her do something she did not want to do, then she goes across to her toxic girlfriends (you should expose them to their BHs), and they will tell her that you (Account4This) are controlling her (your WW), and she will agree with them, then she will start up her A again

Excellent Point.

My H voluntarily ended his affair after the “it’s her or me” discussion. Of course he resented me. I was keeping him from his “true love”.

Affair resumed a few weeks later AND went underground. I thought we were reconciling but he was still cheating.

Be careful here.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:10 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

I don’t know if it’s been said yet but these friends of hers have to go. They are not friends of your marriage.

These friends are.co-workers. My wife and I work from home 4 days per week and go into the office one day. (We both work for the sane employer but in different functions). When she does go in, they all sit near each other in their cubicle jungle. The only way to eject these from the equation would be for my wife to change to another area. I keep my eye open on openings so I can encourage a move

I definitely will contact attorneys after the new year as I also want to protect inheritances in the worst case scenario

I do love my wife and get lost when I look into her eyes. I melt when I hear her playfulness come out.

Account,

I do love my wife and get lost when I look into her eyes. I melt when I hear her playfulness come out.

You can either R, in which case you would have to follow the good advice you already got, or you can D.

If you let yourself be blinded by the love you have for your wife, you will live in Infidelity, which will mean constant pain and insecurity. Oh, and all of us here have been there, I can assure you that it’s not easy to detach and do what is right for getting out of infidelity.

Which path are you considering? Have you considered what was written here for you?

I would be an idiot to not heed the advice from those that have already walked this path. I lack courage and fear that if I do lay down this law, I derail my marriage completely. My wife is not the easiest to discuss things with when they are contrary or disparaging to her. Do I get my marriage to a stable ground before I really dig in or do I just jump? Am I willing to risk losing the daily stuff with my kids?

How can you get to a stable ground if you don't actually know what happened? The new foundation would be built on lies and uncertainty.

If your wife wants to reconcile with you, then she needs to take some steps. Asking for what you need is not unreasonable in the slightest.

You need to act decisively and not dance around the issue, you need to act from a position of strength and now display an ounce of weakness, if she still gets mad and/or not accept your conditions to when you lay down the law after her huge betrayal, then that indicates she's not a good candidate for R by a very long shot, take control and be firm.

I do lay down this law, I derail my marriage completely

Friend, your WW derailed the marriage. By being unfaithful, she killed it.

If you follow our advice and your WW decides to D, then so be it. The worst thing that can happen to you is not D, it’s living in infidelity. And this is where you are right now.

Follow tushnurse list. Do it today.

You don’t have to yell, or angrily threaten to D. Calmly but firmly tell her that you refuse to stay in a marriage where trust has been destroyed and that you want to know the whole story. She refuses? Tell her you’re sorry she feels that way and you’re sorry that she’s not invested in your marriage. Then leave the room, go play with your kids, do the 180 and start the D with your lawyer. Why? Because there’s nothing to work with. You can’t control your WW. Either she’s committed to fix what she broke or she’s not.

Your children will suffer more in a home where the mother is not invested in the marriage and the father is in constant pain. They will see you suffer and they will assume it’s their fault somehow.

So, you know what you have to do today. And we will be helping you and supporting you her on SI.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:05 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

Ok. I’m going to start scheduling consultations with local attorneys.

I am going to apologize if I am all over the place but a new incident occurred. She was receiving texts from another work colleague and then deleting them late last week. I only saw a few. On Friday I snooped In her IMs with this co worker and found that they were discussing a guy they were calling the banker; but I’m pretty sure it was her AP. Apparently my wife had used her co workers phone to get in touch with AP in some capacity and then the co worker was talking to him and relating things he said back to my wife. She even called my wife on her work phone to help hide it on Thursday. I did notice that my wife began acting unusual around the time I found the call came in.

I confronted my wife and she said that her friend was pursuing something and that she was not seeking anyone or anything. She refused to tell me who the banker was. It does look like he did not have nice things to say....we ended up sweeping it.

I do think she is still in love with this guy.

We did celebrate our anniversary the next day by sending our daughter off to a friends house and ordering pizza for our son. We went to dinner, took some pictures she posted on Facebook, watched a movie and did some late evening shopping. We returned home and cuddled before falling asleep.

I’m pretty tore up though. I don’t know if I am strong enough to take control back or even go through with D if it comes to that. I am so afraid to lose her even with what this has done to me.

I have resisted texting or calling this guy and telling him to F off. I don’t know how to handle all of this.