MMS wanted to finish her thank-you to this community. Here it is:
Dear SI community
In my last message that was kindly posted on SI on my behalf, I mentioned that John had asked me to pass on his thanks, and that there were then 2 that I wanted to add to that.
John felt that SI and so many of you, had played a direct role in helping him out of his "pit of suicidal sadness" and then stayed with him on the path, all the way to his discovery of incredible happiness. He wanted you to know how much he appreciated this. When he made me promise to do this, he wanted you to know how much he meant it began to make a list of all the folk he wanted me to individually thank. He was just about to begin on the third page of the list when he took all the pages and scrumpled them up and threw them in the bin. He realised that if he listed all the names of the folk that had each played a meaningful role in his journey he would be asking me to subject you all to the torture of reading through an equivalent of the "boring Biblical begats". His words. More than this, he realised that it was not just those who had contributed to his threads who had helped him on his journey. Also, not only those whose threads he had contributed to. He realised that in so many cases, he had learnt and been supported by many whose threads he just read, and never participated in. And even some who had only ever made a single comment somewhere on the site. So his sincere thanks go to all of you who participate on the site.
He did ask me to offer specific thanks to just a few. He asked me to thank Mrs Life, Hikingout and ff. He said that from you he learned that there is always hope of redemption, even when it may sometimes seem hopeless, and then, more importantly, the role of humility in achieving this. He said it was an aspect sorely lacking in his personality and when he had learned from you how to nurture and grow it in himself, he began to like the man he became, far more than he had.
He then asked me to thank MangledHeart and Walloped. He said that he saw in you a capacity for grace and an ability of a human to display an unconditional love, that he had not thought humans to be capable of. He didn't think that these were attributes that he would ever be capable of, but he said that at least he would set it as his life goal, to never stop working at it.
In the message that I had planned to send, as one of my thanks, I was then going to name a few people who I knew had brought a special smile to John at a time when he needed it, or gave him a giggle, or expressed something that he had been feeling but was battling to pin down. But after I then read on the site, I realised that I had better not name my specific names. You see, I am pretty sure that I got the names that John had mentioned to me a little wrong. For example, I had on my list; Chalie Brown, Calimari, Bleep, Bi Bi, El Jay, Superman and the Amazing Wonder Woman, Rancher, and Josie and the Kid (my mom was a Kris Kristoferson fan) and Green Eyed Girl. After reading a bit, I have my idea of what the names should actually have been, but I will leave it as a bit of a challenge for you to see if you can identify them. Let me rather just say a collective thanks to all the folk in D/S. I think most of those I wanted to thank post, or lend support, mainly there.
And then my most important thanks are to some folk who I have never known the names of, or how to find our who you are. You are the folk who, as I understand it, gave John the coaching he needed to be brave enough to even just have coffee with me, at a time when he had declared to you and all the world that he was going to make the children and his nurture of them, his only mission. To whoever you are, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES.
Thank you also to the person who told me where to find the original "Engaged" thread. I found it and loved it.
Also to the person who has suggested a possible way for me to find more posts of John's.
Then too, someone inquired after the children. John was one of those people who meaningfully fill a far greater sphere of influence than most. His loss is being felt over a much great number of areas than anyone had ever imagined. In the school leadership, at his Alma Mater, in his professional bodies, in the community, especially by widows and orphans. And being the dad he was, the sense of loss is acute. But the kids and I seem to be muddling through, and finding our way better than we though we would. We were gifted 2 at first unrecognised gifts, that at first I though would be agrgravators. Firstly, when John passed, all 3 of the children were in the middle of exam season. For our eldest, they were possibly the most important that she will write in her life. Her school leaving exams. For John's son, they were nearly as important. His last in Primary school. Laying the foundation for his high school career. I thought that the children would have their futures ruined by losing their dad at this crucial time. They instead, chose to focus hard on the exams and divert their thoughts from their pain. They only gave themselves the opportunity to grieve once they had finished writing all exams and by then we had already gotten better at consoling each other and had some understanding of how to support each other.
The other things is, as terrible as cancer is, it also brings some hidden gifts. It gives you warning. It allows you to begin your grieving while you still can express love and thanks, and make sure that you can say everything to your loved one that you so want them to know. Looking back, I can see that all of us, to some extent, began our grief process some time back. Sunshine seemed to get this more right than the rest of us. She went through her denial and then anger phase when she could express it to John. She let him know just how much a rat she thought him to be. And then she allowed herself and him to piece together a whole album of happy memories that will keep him alive in her life for the rest of her life. The trip that John did with our eldest towards the end of last year, provided something similar for her. I think that for most of us, we feel great honour when we get to give back to our parents, when we get the opportunity to care for them in their later years. The trip gave her the opportunity to do this for her dad.
The one that I am most worried about is John's son. He seems to be trying to take on the role of "man and protector of the home", for 2 households. Ours, and his mom's. Also, he is now the lone male, surrounded by so many women. I am not sure if John told you that he brought in the help of an Au pair when his ex left the home. She just fitted brilliantly with the family and John has contracted with her to stay on until his son has completed his university studies. My mom moved up from Cape Town with me all those years ago when I, still pregnant, found out I had been cheated on and moved to Joburg. Early on, when John and I first began to embark on a relationship, my mom hit it off with J, the Au pair, and they became great friends. When John and I began to merge the 2 families, my mom moved into the flat with J. So it is the 2 of them, his 2 sisters, myself, and then his mom. When John passed, I then already, got all 3 of the kids into IC, but John's son never enjoyed it. Previously he had attended with his sister, but never on his own. What does seem to be helping is there is a chap who was left to be a single dad parent to his two boys when his wife ran off with her foreign diplomat boyfriend when the boyfriend got a different posting. This dad was a tremendous help to John and the kids, and especially John's son, at the time that John's wife had left the home. This dad is in himself a wonderful man. In so many ways like John, and I think that he will be a man that John's son will draw on at times when he needs the guidance of a man. I would possibly like for John's son to spend a little more time with this chap and his sons, but John's ex is sometimes difficult to coordinate this with. I suppose that she is grieving in her own way, and John's son becomes a way for her to still feel as if part of John is in her life.
I hope that I have addressed all items that I needed to. I know that some have suggested that I join the site as a member. I have decided not to become a more active participant in the site. I have explained my reasons to Odonna. I hope that you will be understanding.
I will read. I promise. And you now know that I keep my promises. I will, in particular, be on the lookout for good news to come into the lives of John's friends on the site and please know. that every time you post about your triumphs in life. I will be celebrating along with you.
Again, a very big thank you.
MMS
And MMS, I will say to you that you should feel no compunction to come here if it takes you back to painful memories of infidelity in your or John's life before the two of you met. Your job now -- and your JOY -- is to enjoy every day, and raise that passel of terrific kids with the memories and life lessons that John left them, translated through you into a brilliant future. Peace to you, Dear Lady.
