SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ugh you guys are probably right, this is so fucking hard. I'm about to leave to go to my golf league and the thought of coming back and telling her that, and backing it up, is terrifying. Or that even if I do it, I'm again being inconsistent.

I'm obviously putting off the decision and confrontation in hopes she'll placate me or "change her mind" before she leaves... But I don't think that is going to happen at all. She's just stringing it along because she doesn't believe me and wants to have the best of both worlds...

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 5:31 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

I'm sorry man. It might seem easy for us to give you advice but frankly it isn't as we have all been through the same thing and know how hard this all is. Take a deep breath. If you want to wait and see if she actually goes then do that. Just remember though that you have given an ultimatum. You're going to have to follow through with beginning the divorce if she leaves on the trip I think if you want to keep any ounce of respect in this. Lots can happen from there. You don't get divorced in a day.

hope you’re taking in what everyone is telling you here . She needs to think because she does not believe you will divorce her

Buster made a good point about her family needing to be cut out of your life but that is not the issue here .

And YOU need to understand you have a shit load of

Problems in front of you even if she cancels the trip

Right now stay focused on getting a rough draft of a divorce

Filing if possible

And give it to her once she starts to pack

I'm sorry man. It might seem easy for us to give you advice but frankly it isn't as we have all been through the same thing and know how hard this all is. Take a deep breath. If you want to wait and see if she actually goes then do that. Just remember though that you have given an ultimatum. You're going to have to follow through with beginning the divorce if she leaves on the trip I think if you want to keep any ounce of respect in this. Lots can happen from there. You don't get divorced in a day.

Frankly, I'm completely comfortable doing that and it's the one thing I have been consistent on so far. And I will follow through with it no doubts in my mind or heart on that piece.

You guys are awesome I wish we could hang out and if buy ya a beer or pop lol (I quit drinking at the start of this and feel great)

I'm obviously putting off the decision and confrontation in hopes she'll placate me or "change her mind" before she leaves...

dave,

I've been here on SI for almost 3 years. It's rare (I'm talking unicorn rare) that a WS suddenly "gets it" and changes for the better. Even if they do it at first, it typically ends up that they simply drove the A further underground.

It's tough navigating this shit. But you have a wealth of wisdom to draw from. I highly suggest you follow through. Filing for D does not mean you can't call it off if she changes her mind. But I'd be willing to bet she won't. Her behavior thus far indicates that she's going to chase the rabbit all the way down the hole.

Don't compromise your values.

I'm obviously putting off the decision and confrontation in hopes she'll placate me or "change her mind" before she leaves... But I don't think that is going to happen at all. She's just stringing it along because she doesn't believe me and wants to have the best of both worlds...

If you waffle and screw around here you will regret it later.

You are correct she thinks she can go have a fun sex filled week with her new BF and you'll be ok with it. So if it doesn't work out you'll be waiting for her return.

Feel like 2nd place? It's because you are.

Again, wake up man

[This message edited by Marz at 6:54 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Uber

I apologize in advance for this 2x4 but like everyone here I’m trying to help you

So my question is this

How the fuck can you go off to your golf league while you wife is at home probably communicating with her OM and still committed to going on her fuck fest ???

You have now ignored all the advice telling you to confront her right now and knock her ass off the fence once and for all. Your time would have been better spent putting all her shit in trash bags right in front of her and telling her that her attorney can force you to take them out of storage that you are renting .

I know this sucks but it is agonizing watching you do this to yourself . Please wake up and get out of denial

Friend uberdave223:

You are a case of denial manual.

You should listen to others who know more about this, you will only achieve the opposite ...

uber,

There are a few things going on with this whole conversation so I'm going to help you sort through some of it.

1. YOU are not the person who will be deciding whether or not there will be a reconciliation. In your particular situation and from what you've written, your WW will be the one to decide if she wants to stay married to you. So let me ask you something: when's the last time you felt like she loved you? Are you willing to stay in a marriage with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved? Because right now, she doesn't love you that way.

2. There is no magic formula to fix your situation. There is no "if I do this, then X will happen." It doesn't work like that. This was one of my biggest hurdles in trying to understand the Hell I'd found myself thrust into. The sad reality is, up has become down and good has become bad. So truly, your only option right now is to just do the right thing. Unfortunately, it's a little more difficult to know what the right thing is.

3. So, about doing the right thing. What does your moral code say about adultery? About lying? About violating the 10 Commandments? About violating the marriage contract?

And if your moral code is similar to mine, you should be appalled at her behavior, you should not tolerate it and you should be questioning why you'd want to stay married to someone you obviously can't trust to do the right thing when life throws her a curve ball.

4. So, that said, the right thing for you life is to get away from the likes of her. And, if you have children, to take steps to be the parent who stands up for what is right and speaks out against what isn't.

5. Go see your attorney. Get the facts. In the meantime, don't talk to your WW other than to set her straight - her affair stops right now, tonight, or you're filing for divorce. Don't talk to anyone. Just take some time to let all of this sink in and allow your heart and your brain to process it. Maybe ramp up your 12 Step work and focus on you and making yourself the best version of you that you can.

6. And then, once you've stepped away from the situation for awhile and had a chance to catch your breath, then you can decide what the next right thing to do is.

Quit complicating it all. You know the K.I.S.S. Implement it. Decisions don't have to be made now. And more importantly, you need to understand and believe that nothing you say or do is going to change who your WW is. You can't ruin your marriage by saying the wrong thing to her. That is sheer unadulterated poppycock.

Hang in there, you'll be fine. We were all where you are and we all thought we'd never be able to breathe normally again and yet, here we all are, not only better, but smarter too, as evidenced by all the wise advice we're able to share. :)

[This message edited by josiep at 7:12 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Can everyone please let this man breathe? He literally found out about his wife 2 days ago and there are already over 200 comments, most telling him the exact same things. He has already told his wife that if she leaves he is divorcing her, he has already set up an appointment with an attorney and he has already began separating finances. I think that's pretty good by day 3. Maybe he waffles and maybe he doesn't. But give the man a break. He may change his mind 5 more times between now and the end of the year. There is nothing wrong with that.

Uber, hang in there. Take care of yourself and take care of your kids. The ball is in her court. You've stated your position, now it's up to her.

Oh boy....here goes.

Is your wife mentally deficient?

Perhaps she’s had a traumatic brain injury?

You keep talking about/to your wife as if she’s a poor misguided child being manipulated by a big bad Casanova and she’s simply too silly, stupid or weak to resist his captivating charm.

The simple fact is that your wife is a grown woman who has the ability to decide whether she’d like to act like a wife and mother or if she’d like to fuck some guy enough to irreparably change the future of your children. I cannot understand how this subject got so far into the weeds. Her emails to you and comments to you treat you like her buddy and make you part of it. She’ll, no doubt (gaslighting 101) tell you, once she’s home from her adventure to la la land, that she was completely honest with you so she can’t understand why you’re so upset.

You’ve undoubtedly been a less than perfect husband. The pic thing is a little gross and the drinking, being irresponsible with money and being overall selfish are all reasons for you to continue to get help and stay on your journey for self betterment. None of these things are good enough reasons for your wife to act like a 12 year old girl with a crush on the star football player.

You’ve been told, I’m sure, by more than one person to grow up. Being a grown man includes seeing reality how it is, not how you wish it were. Whether she goes or not your marriage is in big trouble. You don’t fix these kind of problems by ignoring reality or by fucking some guy on a family sanctioned trip.

I hope you’ll read this in the spirit in which it is intended. I read your entire thread with pain and frustration for you. You’re getting into the weeds, you need to get focused. I hate to see people lose their marriages and for children to lose their families because they got lost in the minutiae.

Just a quick update then I need to really take some breathing time and will respond later.

We are separated as of right now (I'm drawing up an "agreement" laying out the boundaries), living in different parts of the house (I'm not going to explain the why's and hows to ya'll right now, I appreciate your advice but this is what's best for our family at this exact moment). I will also be beginning the general work for divorce (talking to lawyer tomorrow and gathering info/documentation, etc). I am treating her as if we are divorced, communication is strictly kid/business related.

I can't control her, or force her to be with me, and I have to learn to love myself and not put my value and worth in her (or any person's) hands. I have problems and issues I WANT to deal with, and am looking forward to having the time and space to do that. In many ways, although I'm exhausted, I feel much freer and with a clearer head than I thought was possible since D-Day. Time to get to work on ME, and let her go.

From the bottom of the heart, I appreciate all of your advice, tough love, and encouragement. While a lot of it was uncomfortable, it helped push me towards standing up for myself, being more decisive, and taking control of myself

I love you all and will be lurking here and there to either respond or just grab inspiration from others.

Thanks,

Uberdave

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 8:42 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

A separation in her mind justifies consummating her affair. Plus she has a free babysitter for the kids while she spends time with her boyfriend.

Weak move on your part.

In essence she gets free time to pursue her other man.

No real consequences.

You've accomplished nothing with this tactic.

As a conflict avoidant person, it must have been incredibly hard for you to do. It looks to me you are going in the right direction. Keep on going, we will be encouraging you along

As you start the D process, keep in mind there’s no shame in exposing your WW. Seek support with friends and family. FB postings like "WW and I are separating because I didn’t like her new BF" is totally fine in my book.

Strength!

So when is the trip?

Weak move on your part.

In essence she gets free time to pursue her other man.

No real consequences.

You've accomplished nothing with this tactic.

I disagree. He’s doing IHS, treating her as Divorced, doing the 180 and will see a lawyer tomorrow. What else can he do? Chain her in the basement?

Make it plain. You go I file. No second chance.

IMO is a better option.

Unless I'm missing something.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:04 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

I'm assuming he's filing anyway. He can be a little vague but I think I picked up on that one.

I will also be beginning the general work for divorce (talking to lawyer tomorrow and gathering info/documentation, etc). I am treating her as if we are divorced, communication is strictly kid/business related.

OK Uber,

Lets hope that is correct and you finish the divorce paperwork before she returns. You are going to find that it is going to be more difficult after she comes back from her sex fest than just when you knew what she was planning.

She has obviously refused to cancel the trip or call anything off. And she will surely use your "separation" as making it OK. She has now crossed to line of no return.

IHS sucks but I get it.

You do your thing and focus squarely on filing as soon as possible. Pay no attention to what she does. You can't control her. You can only control you. This is the 180.

As others have said, she's a grown woman that can and will make her own decisions regardless of what you want. And short of "chaining her to the basement" she's going to act in a way that serves her best interests. Two of which are NOT you or your kids. So treat her accordingly.

I would do whatever you can to make sure that her sex trip is not being paid for by you. If that means separating finances and taking her name off joint accounts and credit cards, then do it TODAY. You could do it with a phone call.

As BR said,

she has now crossed the line of no return.

You must proceed with the mindset that the marriage is over and you are simply doing the dirty work of filling out the necessary paperwork to make it official.

You can do this. And you will live through this.

[This message edited by squid at 10:59 AM, December 18th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

Yes, your separation will provide her the mental justification for their fuck fest. It will be OK to her that she’s goes and does this. You should have no illusions about that. I know that is hard to hear, but I’ve read too many similar stories here to tell you otherwise.

You should also make it clear to her before she leaves that she will be coming home to divorce papers. She may not care, but it is essential she understand this as part of her mental calculus.