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I think an in house separation agreement is fine as long as you make it clear to her that you will be filing for D if she leaves on that trip. I would also discuss with the attorney the necessary logistics to have her served the day before or the day she leaves if she decides to go on the trip. It would be MAJOR mistake not to follow through with that threat.

Otherwise your words will mean nothing to her.

^^^^ Yep. You need to follow through.

I think an in house separation agreement is fine as long as you make it clear to her that you will be filing for D if she leaves on that trip. I would also discuss with the attorney the necessary logistics to have her served the day before or the day she leaves if she decides to go on the trip. It would be MAJOR mistake not to follow through with that threat.

Otherwise your words will mean nothing to her.

Uber

You need to file before she leaves. This OM lives in Maine so unless she plan on leaving her children you are going to be holed up with her flaunting it in your face openly.

Someone pointed out that its only been days since D Day. Yup, and she does not believe that she will not be able to come home and do whatever she wants to. he can't just take a child and leave without going to jail.

But until she knows that this is not just a separation, she still controls the narrative.

the separation agreement is still giving her power. You are the one going to be openly eating the shit sandwich while she carries on with boyfriend.

Please get mad!!!! And do actions that indicate mad! Its time for HARDBALL.

You need to file before she leaves. Otherwise, there is nothing stopping her from being able to legally take the kids with her, and not come back.

Uber, you've been avoiding answering this one.. is she going on this Maine trip or not? Have you filed yet?

Not only do you need to file, but she needs to understand that you will not allow her to write the story of your D.

You will be telling everyone and anyone that cares to listen, that you chose D because you didn't care for your wifes boyfriend.

Control the narrative, and let her know that you are controlling it, hell she is probably already telling everyone that you are talking about divorce, but not sharing it's because she has a boyfriend.

I would let a few key friends know now.

Uber

I am not an attorney, but I believe in most states once you file you are NOT responsible for any debt she incurs or runs up. Thats a question for tomorrow I'd suggest you ask.

I don't know why people are still asking if she has agreed to cancel her trip. Nothing you are posting would indicate that.

And Tushnurse has it right. Your entire mutual social circle is going to be told what an ass hole you are and not that she is off fucking another man.

Hey, Dave! How are you holding up? I wanted to encourage you to continue on the path you’ve chosen. Only you know all the details of your situation, and you have to live with the results of your decisions, not us. So, take the advice you’ve received and use what you think will help you the most. All of us here want you to come out of this crappy situation in the best way possible, and you’ve received so much advice because we care about everyone who comes into SI. We know the pain, the disruption to your life, the hassles you’re going to go through, all that stuff. Though we may differ on how you should proceed, we are united behind you.

I think you’re doing extremely well for such a short period of time. I know things seem to be happening so fast, and they are. Meanwhile, you’re head is spinning ‘round and ‘round. I’m glad you’re taking a moment to collect your thoughts.

While writing this, I recall the post where I said it would be tempting to tell the AP to keep her and what’s coming along with her. I think if I were in your shoes, right after her plane’s wheels leave the runway, I’d send that text to her BF. I guess that would be my way of saying, “She’s all yours!” Aaahhh, to dream!

As much as possible, Enjoy you Christmas! Love those kids! The WW? Well, not so much.

Ok so we went from this :

It started with her saying she was "falling for another man" about a week ago. (...) asked her to choose him or me, and she said she was going anyway). (...) I wanted to forgive her and was optimistic for our future.

To this:

(I'm drawing up an "agreement" laying out the boundaries), (...) I will also be beginning the general work for divorce (talking to lawyer tomorrow and gathering info/documentation, etc). I am treating her as if we are divorced, communication is strictly kid/business related.

Within 3 days. I would say this is good progress.

Because your WW is still considering going to see her BF after discovery, pretty much everybody is telling you to D ASAP. You can’t R with a WW rooting for another man, and with that level of disrespect towards you and your children. It’s just not possible.

Stay the course, proceed with D.

When you D, you will only talk to your XWW about kids. Who she dates, what she does, whether she takes trips to Main, or Madagascar will be irrelevant. Whether “aunt Mary” on your XWW side, thinks your an asshole? Completely irrelevant. Guess what? The SIL that encourages the affair? You’ll never talk to her again.

If your friends or family think you’re not fair? Well, number one, it’s your life, and number two, you have a nice stash of text you saved in multiple places. Make sure you explain to your kids that you are D their mother because their mother decided to have a BF and that’s not acceptable in a marriage.

Like beachwalker said, continue on the path you have chosen

You guys all need to back off this poor guy. He cannot control what his WW does. All he can do is control what HE does. And from my perspective that is what he's doing.

He's not being weak. He's doing the 180 and starting the divorce process. He's doing what he can within the parameters of the situation he finds himself in. As someone else said, he can't chain her to the boiler in the basement.

I wish him Godspeed and a quick end to his nightmare.

ddoouubbllee ppoosstt

[This message edited by Westway at 4:21 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Uber-You have been in a way given a gift. A steaming pile of shit of a gift, but nonetheless a gift.

Your WW has not presumably made her EA a PA as of yet. Most of us BS's do not find out about the EA before it transitions to a PA.

You are doing very well with most of your actions. You have the chance to lay down the ultimatum that may actually stop the PA before it happens. Almost all BS's never had that opportunity.

I think many of us see that and want you to play the best card you have in your hand now.

You can't turn back the clock once it happens.

If she goes then divorce papers will be waiting for her upon her return.

I believe that your wife does not respect you and believes that she can go on her sex trip and, if her Plan A doesn't work out, she can return to you (Plan B) and you will take her back. She does not believe there will be sufficient consequences to her taking the trip to dissuade her from going. I respectfully suggest that you do your best to make certain in her mind that you will NOT be there for her when she returns.

I suggest, consistent with advise from others, that you file for divorce and serve your wife AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. That will be your best shot at derailing this show stopper trip. The consequences will be made as certain as possible. It is totally appropriate to divorce due to her stated intent to betray you. Please don't wait to make the consequences real only after her actions are irreversible.

Of course, if the trip is cancelled, and you otherwise resolve your issues, the divorce action can be dropped. You should still start the clock as soon as possible. Also, do not let her take the kids out of state.

I am sorry if I am repeating myself, but I truly hope that you can stop her from this terrible decision. If she wants out of the marriage, she should properly divorce before stepping out.

Also, of course, if the trip is really not a deal breaker for you for your marriage, nevermind.

I hope for the best for you and your children.

Based on reading what Uber has written regarding his WW, this marriage is done.

Uber, I don't think anything you will do, plead, beg or threaten will change the outcome that is coming your way. The best thing you can do is to prepare for what is to come. Forget about the past. The pictures you took and how her family has been treating you.

To be honest, I think your WW has been trashing you to her family for years. Family members don't generally encourage the breaking up of families and affairs. Thats not typical. What you have is a situation where you WW has been dragging you with her family for yrs. They see her plight and are on her side. They think you're a perv, alcoholic and are treating you like a loser. They are actively trying to get your WW to move on from the marriage and pursue new opportunities. Your marriage in all of their eyes, has been done, thats why no one is fighting for it. And you sir, cannot fight for it on your own.

Please reread what you've written about your WW, and her family. Reassess the gatherings the past couple of yrs, and see if maybe you're missing anything. It really looks like your marriage is done, and there is no value in giving your wife the "if you leave speech". She already knows, and she's already told you as much. You're just not connecting the dots.

Your best bet is to file for D. Whether she leaves for this trip or not, your marriage is done. Its been broken for a while now.

I’m in camp with Westway. (not an admonishment of the forum, but...)

Dave, you’ve made tremendous progress since getting here and I know you have a God-awful amount of stress on you right now. Just do what you can, at least your seeing the forrest through the trees. Keep making progress to get yourself out of infidelity and keep posting.

Another question for the attorney would be: what can you do, to cut cost? Kind of hard to file and have your WW served when you are cash strapped. There is no shame in that, either, especially at this time of year.

When is her trip and what is her plan with the kids?

We are separated as of right now (I'm drawing up an "agreement" laying out the boundaries), living in different parts of the house (I'm not going to explain the why's and hows to ya'll right now, I appreciate your advice but this is what's best for our family at this exact moment). I will also be beginning the general work for divorce (talking to lawyer tomorrow and gathering info/documentation, etc). I am treating her as if we are divorced, communication is strictly kid/business related.

Based on this, it's obious she didn't cancel her trip, she's made her choice to go fuck POSOM. So as long as you tell your attorney tomorrow that you want to file for D I think your plan is reasonable, DO NOT wait for her return to file, do it before she leaves, you have absolutely NOTHING to work with here other than D, prepare for battle, you're in the fight of your life, lawyer up and make sure your kids don't go live in Maine, carry a VAR with you at all times (Voice Activated Recorder), we've seen way too many cases of false DV charges being filed in an effort to portray the BS as violent in order to get full custody of the children. Good luck and keep posting.

I disagree. He’s doing IHS, treating her as Divorced, doing the 180 and will see a lawyer tomorrow. What else can he do? Chain her in the basement?

Except, he's still providing her a home, financial support, taking care of the children, doing what's "best for the family". He just has turned himself into a live-in servant, one who still shoulders all the responsibility of and obligations of a husband with none of the advantages.

Uber, be prepared for her claws to come out once you file. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

Google - Mens Divorce The List

Good luck at the lawyer’s today

I agree with Westway. Lets not berate him. He is obviously co-dependent and a conflict avoidance method appears to be his pattern. Nothing wrong with that as long as the person he hitched his wagon to takes care of him.

Dave - You need to do the next step. Get angry. You seem to be sitting in the sadness phase which is what you do when there is no action to be done. So you need to get angry. If picturing your wife with this guy physically does it, then good. If seeing her leave her children to be with another man does it, then good. Find that part that sees how much of a monster she is and pull it out.

The reason you need this anger. Anger drives action. Sadness drives depression and inaction. You need action as everyone is pointing out. For yourself so you don't feel like your wife is controlling this marriage.

Next, you need the anger to protect yourself. If your wife doesn't go on this trip and stays, she is going to turn everything you have done wrong in the marriage against you. She screwed up horribly and she is going to have to justify that to you and everyone else. The anger will allow you to push that away and point out that she is the one who cheated not you. She is the one being selfish. Did you kiss her sister? No. So that doesn't even equate into this. Did you watch too much TV or work too many long hours? Where was she? Doesn't she spend the money you earn?

That is the kind of defense being angry will build. Then you can push her away so she is forced to focus on herself because she is messed up.

Good luck with the lawyer today Dave. And remember to find your anger if you find yourself sitting and wallowing too long. It will protect you.