SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you think you are conflict avoidant?

I'm glad you are finally getting it.

Beyond Rage hit the nail on the head.

His two points are the ONLY options right now if there is any chance at R.

Do you think you are conflict avoidant?

Absolutely, particular in personal relationships. I'm not so avoidant when it comes to workplace conflict for some reason (I have been a manager and a coach who taught managers how to lead/manage).

I'm also conflict avoidant when I am struggling with guilt and feelings of responsibility as well, which is a big piece of what I'm working through (forgiving myself).

I read the following piece from No More Mr Nice guy:

More than anything, Jason wanted to be liked. He saw himself as a very generous, giving person. He

prided himself on not having many ups and downs and for never losing his temper. He revealed that he

liked to make people happy and that he hated conflict. To avoid rocking the boat with his wife, he

tended to hold back his feelings and tried to do everything "right. "

That's me...

I'm glad you are finally getting it.

Beyond Rage hit the nail on the head.

His two points are the ONLY options right now if there is any chance at R.

I'm trying... I really am trying...

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 7:49 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Dave, one does not talk to OM post cheating (except to kick his assh). But when it is about to happen it is good to warn him to stay away. Think of POS mind , he is also wondering whether something will go wrong b's of what he is going to do. When someone warn him to keep away he get more hesitant. Beside if your WW get angry about it there you have another clue to get off the infidelity ASAP. It also shows to your WW your are alpha type. wayward listen to alpha type individuals. Not to criticize you, but it seems you let the POS do whatever he wants when he came to your area/may be house. Remind him that if you talk to him, Tell him you welcome him to your place and now he is acting like a loser POS.

I would also give a call to your SIL and her husband who think it is funny to ask about dick pics. all above is if you want to stop this happening and want to try reconciliation

[This message edited by goalong at 8:28 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

So just in general - I've printed off beyond rages post. Reading it multiple times a day while I am distancing myself and following the 180.

I've gotten really conflicting advice about the contacting OM and contacting the SIL - Some people are DEAD SET against it. Plus my conflict avoidance... But you are right about asking them WTF is up with asking about dick pics, or ACTIVELY helping arrange a date with this guy.

What are the likely outcomes of that though? Is it more likely to actually help reconcile?

And generally what kind of message to him, like this?

I'm am fully aware of the relationship you are pursuing with my wife. You are preying on a married woman, with two kids, who is in a vulnerable state. I don't know, or care, if you think you are actually "falling for her" or just trying to get in her pants but your actions are not trustworthy or wholesome. Legal battles, drama, strained relationships, and a lot of unpleasantness are all you can look forward to. I have let you into our home, spent time with you, and been open with you and my family, and you treat that trust with disrespect and selfishness, and a completely disregard for the health and safety of my family. You should be incredibly ashamed of yourself, need to break contact with my wife immediately, and leave our family alone NOW.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 8:38 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Do not contact the other man.

It is good. But too polite for a POS. Do not text TALK to him more pointedly (I do not mean filth). if you write the POS will show it to you inlaws and joke about it. Talk to him in stern confident voice. If he has even a slight sense of shame, the thing you mentioned about welcoming him to your home will strike him right in his face.

Uber,

DO NOT contact the other man. He does not give a rats ass about you or your family. He wants one thing, to fuck your wife.

No matter what you say to him it appears you are begging. The only one responsible for stopping this is YOUR WIFE.

Get the divorce papers asap and hand them to her BEFORE she goes. Stop trying to think she gets it. Right now she is talking to him and discussing how they can still pull it off.

And stop hiding behind your kids. She doesn't give a fuck about them or she would not be doing this once it has been exposed what she is doing. They will be fine but not if you destroy yourself.

Stick to the points.

If she goes shes not your wife anymore.

There will be no "discussions" after she her her sex fun with him.

most of you are taking him on a path to divorce and you should see he does not want it. Let him try whatever he can and then with a clear mind he can take steps to divorce.

The POS should be remined of what a low life he is to entertain someone's hospitality and to act like this.

DO NOT contact the other man. He does not give a rats ass about you or your family. He wants one thing, to fuck your wife.

BR nailed it.

Yea, I just don't see anything good coming of contacting him.

most of you are taking him on a path to divorce and you should see he does not want it. Let him try whatever he can and then with a clear mind he can take steps to divorce.

The POS should be remined of what a low life he is to entertain someone's hospitality and to act like this.

Absolutely incorrect. His wife is taking him to divorce and the POS could give a shit if we think or if Uber thinks he is a low life. He wants in Uber's wifes pants PERIOD.

uber can choose R if she does what she refuses to do. he has not indicated he wants to share her.

I suggest you give her the divorce papers as soon as possible. Tell her that you will file if she leaves. Do not wait for the last minute. She may not be able to process the consequences adequately on the way out of the door.

You must be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

There are only 2 ways out of infidelity. Through R with both partners being fully committed to the process (even then, success is not guaranteed). Or D which is the only option that guarantees that you are out of infidelity. If she wants to join you, great. But as of yet, she has given ZERO indication that she wants to abide by the marriage vows.

You really don't have any options. Unless waiting around while another man fucks your wife is an option you can live with. Because, honestly, that is the reality right now.

And please don't contact the OM. They are a team now. It's them against you.

I agree 100% with BR on this:

1)Tell her if she gets on that car to go see OM consider herself divorced and no, you WILL NOT be good friends with her and/or POSOM if they end up together.

2) Do NOT contact POSOM, like BR said he just wants to fuck your WW and could give a rat's ass about your feelings, he KNOWS what he's doing, reminding him of it won't do much if anything, it also make you look weak and begging him.

3) Your WW has not cancelled her trip to go fuck OM, this should result in instant D papers being filed, file now and have her served BEFORE she goes on her sex vacation. Stop trying to make her to "get it", if D papers don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, if so just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

To recap, simply tell her if you don't cancel your trip and send an NC FOREVER text to OM and tell your side of the family to stay the fuck out of this, then consider yourself divorced, if she says no to any of these 3 basic conditions then you simply tell her ok and file for D the very next day and have her served before her trip.

uberdave223,

BeyondRage is right on the money, there is so much knowledge between the members, it's scarry sometimes.

Many of us are veterans, Your little white pigeon is ( sorry to open your eyes) just another adultress, a married cheating woman.

A woman who doesn't care in this moment about husband, family , kids , social life, work, morgage, dirty laundry, cooking meals.

She cares about her, and popeye from Maine who will sadle his unicorn so they can ride into the sunset.

Your current M is dead. Oh yea it could be restored in time, but it will take a long time, and your WIFE has to do the heavy lifting.

Hurts a bit but there are 25 pages with wayward wifes. Your snowflake is just one of many.

Stick to the two that BeyondRage gave you. Do not bluff......

Have a divorse draft on the corner of the kitchen table.

Read in it so she can see you do it.

Stop being taking for granted, trust your gut and find your courage.

Remember you didn't get your balls just for to paint them at Easter.

Ther are more from Europa here, as Asia , Aussie's New Zealanders and people from your opposite coast, all diffrent time zones. Ther will likely always be someone who will answer.

Do or not, there is no try ( Joda)

We'll be here !

I must say, If his marriage has reached the point where he has to tell her if she goes on the trip it's over, The marriage is already over! Let's say she doesn't go this time, What's to stop her from going later or him coming to the city you live for a meet up! If his wife wants to cheat trust me she will! Time do decide if this is the type or marriage or wife you want. Good luck dude....

If you decide to R make her get an std test. I woundnt sleep with a cheating spouse until you do that! Honestly if they cheat once why wouldn't they do it again and again (like my H did)

[This message edited by Sadandlonely2019 at 9:44 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Buster123's comment no. 3 is even better than mine. Please give that a lot of consideration. I think that is your best chance to prevent unrecoverable damage to your marriage.

I agree 100% with BR on this:

1)Tell her if she gets on that car to go see OM consider herself divorced and no, you WILL NOT be good friends with her and/or POSOM if they end up together.

2) Do NOT contact POSOM, like BR said he just wants to fuck your WW and could give a rat's ass about your feelings, he KNOWS what he's doing, reminding him of it won't do much if anything, it also make you look weak and begging him.

3) Your WW has not cancelled her trip to go fuck OM, this should result in instant D papers being filed, file now and have her served BEFORE she goes on her sex vacation. Stop trying to make her to "get it", if D papers don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, if so just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

To recap, simply tell her if you don't cancel your trip and send an NC FOREVER text to OM and tell your side of the family to stay the fuck out of this, then consider yourself divorced, if she says no to any of these 3 basic conditions then you simply tell her ok and file for D the very next day and have her served before her trip.

This is excellent, thank you.

As I mentioned, I'm meeting with an attorney on Thursday for a consultation. I have to find my paperwork, as I put a freeze on my credit scores (prevent fraud and such), and I'd have to unfreeze them, apply for a new card, and use that. Using an existing joint card isn't an option without "stealing" it from my wife's purse.

AN example of why I get wishy-washy and confused.

From https://www.affairrecovery.com/20-most-common-mistakes-hurt-spouse?utm_campaign=AA&utm_medium=email_welcome&utm_source=list_UH&utm_content=20_mistakes_h&utm_term=link_not_visible

Demanding that your spouse pledge 100% commitment to the marriage right at the moment of disclosure.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 9:56 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]