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Dave - You said you used to drink too much. You got a DUI.

Did your wife jump into the driver seat to get the ticket instead and say she was wrong for pushing you to drink too much? Then hope and dream you would get better?

No. You had to hit rock bottom. You not enforcing boundaries and actions is hurting her more than helping her. You are enabling her worst behavior. What did it take for you to realize you drank too much regularly? Yeah, it was something bad.

Now, to your mom telling you not to get divorced. Why isn't your mom swooping in and stopping your wife? She is instead telling you to wait and see. That is not action. Go to a work level problem. Do you wait and see what happens? No, you take action. You say you are decisive at work. Step back and try to see this marriage as a work event. This will let you make a logical decision without letting your emotions overrule what you want.

Oh, FYI - Divorce does not mean you are done. It means your wife and you are forced to stop being married. You know divorced people. I bet some of them have done what my friends have done and tried to get back together. Ask your friend who is on his second marriage. I be he gets sheepish and talks about it.

Divorce takes about a year. Especially with kids involved and you 2 would need to split the house. Heck, you can go online and figure out what a divorce would look like. There is a calculator for child support/alimony and a break down for the day separation.

Dude, you need to draw a line in the sand! Asking your WW not to go fuck her AP is not asking for her 100% commitment to the M. It is a basic tenet of M (forsaking all others) that she’s actively ignoring!

Please, please, please do something that lets her know you will not be treated like this. Of course she is free to go, but you are also free to D her treacherous ass. Weeks, months, and years down the road you will be glad that you took a stand when you look in the mirror.

Thanks Doin - yea that is a good analogy. And I'm trying to not enable her (I know some of my actions have but in the last day, especially once I saw her messages to him, I'm coming around to the hard stance).

And yes, I said in our conversation yesterday "regardless of what happens, this "old" marriage is done. If we got back together, it would only be as new people." So I'm accepting that!

I think I pictured serving her papers as a "we're done, split everything up in a few days" type of deal. But yes, it can take some time, shock her system, I keep working on myself in the meantime, and if she decides to "see the light" and work on herself, and wants R, then we go from there. Otherwise, I've protected my kids and well-being.

Dude, you need to draw a line in the sand! Asking your WW not to go fuck her AP is not asking for her 100% commitment to the M. It is a basic tenet of M (forsaking all others) that she’s actively ignoring!

Please, please, please do something that lets her know you will not be treated like this. Of course she is free to go, but you are also free to D her treacherous ass. Weeks, months, and years down the road you will be glad that you took a stand when you look in the mirror.

Absolutely right!

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 10:13 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

And yes, I said in our conversation yesterday "regardless of what happens, this "old" marriage is done. If we got back together, it would only be as new people." So I'm accepting that!

will she understand/interpret this as getting together even if she cheat?

Demanding that your spouse pledge 100% commitment to the marriage right at the moment of disclosure.

She already did that.

This is not about promises. Everything from today is about actions.

If you truly want reconciliation, read through all the threads here and see the common theme.

Betrayed husband is a Beta Male. Somewhere in the marriage (maybe even before the marriage), they got lazy and started letting the wife run the show. They gave away their power. This is where women subconsciously lose respect for their husband and start resenting them for whatever comes to mind ie. chores...sex...pictures of sister... They lose attraction and start looking outward. At this point you are nothing more than safety and security.

To gain that respect back, you have to become Alpha. It doesn't happen overnight, so don't fool yourself. This is why the 180 is recommended each and everytime. It gives you power back. Now this is where personally I would recommend to take it a step further. It's a lot like disciplining my kids. If I threaten this or that, they call my bluff everytime. Your wife will call yours. You MUST serve her with divorce papers and go down that road until she has really let it sink in and she is crying for you back. (Search LCDRLost and read his story to see how it's done)

Sadly, this may never happen. I would not say expect one or the other, but either way you'll have your answer. Do not expect her to act with any rationality, infact quite the opposite. She will make very irrational decisions that you cannot wrap your head around.

Lastly, I would highly recommend googling "Men's Divorce Forum - The List" Coming across this gem when I got started helped me win my divorce. I came out huge with preparation. Now is the best time to do this while she is in the fog of the affair.

[This message edited by Unbelievable35 at 10:38 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Uber

You will do yourself a big favor if you stop thinking or talking about possible reconciliation right now.

Your wife has been caught. You know exactly what she’s planning to do with her boyfriend, and she shows no signs of altering her plan.

So what is there to reconcile unless you want to be in her open relationship

And doing what’s she’s doing us more disrespectful than doing it behind your back because knowing you know what she’s going to do means she doesn’t give a shit

Stop trying to explain it.

And your actions also mean more than words and the best action you can take now is to make the consequences clear and certain

The OM is either:

1- in "love" with your WW in which case he won’t care what you tell him, or worst...

2- he doesn’t give a shit about you nor your WW, he’s having fun fucking another man’s wife, and when he receives you message, he’s going to laugh his ass of... at you, and show all his friends how much the poor husband is suffering along with a couple of your WW naked pictures (his latest conquest) I even remember a case where the OM videotaped himself having sex with the WW and sending the video to the BH just for giggles.

So no, don’t communicate with the OM.

I may have missed it but does your WW knows that you know she’s going to meet the OM on that trip?

Filing for D before she leaves is a great idea because you will suffer less knowing what she’s doing while you’re at home with the kids since the D started.

And yes, I said in our conversation yesterday "regardless of what happens, this "old" marriage is done. If we got back together, it would only be as new people." So I'm accepting that!

will she understand/interpret this as getting together even if she cheat?

I don't think so, I meant if we got back together during or after D. And the current us was done.

I may have missed it but does your WW knows that you know she’s going to meet the OM on that trip?

Yes.

She sent a text earlier today (recall I had the "I'll divorce you if you go" talk yesterday asking if my stomach hurt. I said no I'm fine, did you take tums? She replied "Nah - I think I'm just anxious... Terrified really... I'm going to sit down tonight and go through things... write lists... so much is going through my head... I just need to get it out of my head...

I just replied that was good, she needs some time alone to evaluate things and this was serious, and I am serious.

*shrug* we'll see. I'm continuing to try and sort through all this, and work on ME. Talk to the lawyer on thursday and prepare for the worst.

I may have missed it but does your WW knows that you know she’s going to meet the OM on that trip?

Yes.

Then there’s nothing left for you to work with. Detach and proceed with the D. To say it kindly, she is really not worth your while, run away.

After D day, my XWW continued to cheat right under my nose, not caring at all, almost flaunting me in my face. You don’t want to go there.

My man you are putting too much faith in your WW to do the right thing. Unfortunately she is not doing the right thing & by her actions will not do so. Thus your limited options which have been repeated over & over is to tell her point blank "You go to Maine I file for D".Eight words that need no explanation or discussion. It was her choice to cheat via EA & to elevate it to a PA, its your choice whether to R or D.

No need to tell her that maybe your will get back together after the dust has cleared cause your old M is dead & you still luv her. That's like telling her hey go fuck the other guy & if its not all what you were hoping for you can come back here and we can start again from scratch cause i'm your plan B. Seriously makes you look weak & a borderline cuckold in her books.

All the other stuff that happened in your M should have been addressed & dealt with upon discovery like most M issues are, not used as a verification tool in order to exercise her right to go an fuck another man. You need to be strong, you need to be firm. What you really need to do is to tell her to take her disrespect & shove it up her ass.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:05 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Uber

Every time you seem to be headed in the right direction you are leaving her wiggling room. You now have just played pick me by telling her to take time to think if I read that correctly

Thinking time is over. Stop engaging her in conversation of what happens after she goes

You need to tell he that the only thing you want to hear from her are either that she has cancelled the trip or who her attorney is

No more what ifs

You are cintributing to your own agony

Every time you negotiate with her you are handing her back all the power

Again BR is right on the money, there's NOTHING to think about here, she's been cheating on your for way too long, she's had plenty of time to think about the possible consequences of her huge betrayal, you should tell her RIGHT NOW you have 30 seconds to send POSOM an NC FOREVER text and of course cancel your trip/sex vacation and I will add to tell her side of the family/enablers to fuck off and stay out of it, if she refuses to any of those basic requests simply tell her you will be filing for D on Thursday when you see your attorney so that she can run into the sunset with prince POSOM and you can proceed to get out of infidelity, make sure you hire a pitbull D attorney and to avoid at all costs that your children will NOT be moving to Maine or anywhere out of town.

BTW even if she complies with the above, that does NOT mean you will offer R and rugsweep this whole thing, these are just some of the basics to start the work to determine if a successful R is even possible, and if it is, it would take years, right now your WW is NO R material by a very long shot and as of right now she has shown you that she doesn't even want to be.

Again BR is right on the money, there's NOTHING to think about here, she's been cheating on your for way too long, she's had plenty of time to think about the possible consequences of her huge betrayal, you should tell her RIGHT NOW you have 30 seconds to send POSOM an NC FOREVER text

^^^This. Actually 30 seconds is about 25 too many.

She has to think? Either she wants the marriage, or she wants to go and have sex with this other guy. If she does, you are done. Period. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. She's on the fence, give her a huge push off with a mega dose of reality.

My guess is that she is trying to decide if good ole Dave really means it when he says he will divorce her. She is thinking she can try the other man on for a week or so and if it doesn't work she's trying to decide if you will reconsider. My thought now is to file before she even leaves. Take the mystery out of it for her.

^^^^^ This. I also completely agree with BR and Buster123 and others who have recommended that you erase any uncertainty in her mind that the marriage is over if she spends another second thinking about going on her trip.

Uber

I hope you’re taking in what everyone is telling you here . She needs to think because she does not believe you will divorce her

Buster made a good point about her family needing to be cut out of your life but that is not the issue here .

And YOU need to understand you have a shit load of

Problems in front of you even if she cancels the trip

Right now stay focused on getting a rough draft of a divorce

Filing if possible

And give it to her once she starts to pack

WW is indirectly telling you she is in turmoil - lust vs real life. She knows the way pos is interacting with her he is in it for sex and he is not a serious partner. So stay stern (alpha). I am wondering when you were generous enough to give her "permission" she thought she can have all the fun , have a shower and come back home to have dinner with you.

You told her if this happened it is end of the marriage - she went and cried while looking at wedding photos

Then you gave her something in righting now she is having stomach problems. This is what happen when you stand stern.

You said you need to focus on your studies and other responsibilities without letting this control you. It is very sexy in the eyes of WW to see that you are productive.

So in case you like reconciliation you can take whatever such actions that show your resolve. .

If you cannot tell POS who he is, you can tell WW what kind of a man she is salivating about.

If she starts packing, tell her she might as well pack everything. There will be nothing left for her when she gets back.

Dave, maybe I’m responding a little too “over the top”, and maybe I feel this way because of where I am now in my life. With that said, and after reading that she needs to “sit down tonight and go through things”, I would probably go into whatever room she’s in and tell her, “Decision time has come. I need an answer right this second. Yes or No, are you going on this trip?”

If she answers “yes”, you walk out of the room, hard 180, go to the Thursday appt. with plans to D.

If she answers “no”, then have her call Dippy, on speaker, to tell him the relationship is over and NC again ever. Immediately hang up and have her block him on all media, etc., etc.

Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m watching a movie or something, but I just can’t take seeing you in agony while your WW tries to decide whether or not to cheat on you. I know I’m the one who said to sit and wait. I think waiting time is over.