SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm about to enter unknown territory and thought I'd re-engage on here. I was a poster in the Just Found Out forum early this year.

M for 10+yrs, two kids. Wife is breadwinner and I've been the homemaker. Now back to working part-time and building.

WW had an A I found out about this spring. The aftermath was beyond painful but I've recovered to a more stable position. We, although I feel I should say "I", have tried to reconcile. We've been going to MC and IC since March but it's been a step forward at times and then two steps back.

A couple months ago I came to the conclusion that my W was still with me but was in reality already gone. It became clear that she was only with me because of how it would hurt our kids and perhaps some financial fears. It finally sunk in that I can't save us by myself and have had a major shift in my feelings that I don't really want to be with her anymore. She's not acting like a friend and I'm out of love and want to move on. I have no trust towards her and am tired of living in limbo.

My list of red flags kept growing. Her wedding ring stored in the closet, no affection, keeping records of all her daily productive activities and noting my "screw ups" in her daily planner, and the final nail in the coffin was I discovered she had set-up individual bank accounts aside from our joint accounts. She was planning her departure. My gut knew it so I contacted some attorneys for initial consults and find one I like "just in case."

Yesterday she finally came clean that she's done with the marriage and wants a divorce. Neither of us has filed yet and after talking have hopefully agreed to wait until after the holidays. We don't want to start this process and potentially ruin our kids Christmas. Our initial talk sounds like we are going to try and go the uncontested route at least at first.

I met face-to-face with an attorney today and have chosen him to represent me when the time comes.

In thinking about this process of splitting up all our assets and joint parenting I'm already feeling torn about how to approach it.

If I fight for what's mine in the divorce I'll be hurting my kids as my wife will be in a weak position (probably losing home, etc.).

If I don't fight for what's mine in the divorce I'll be hurting my kids as I'm not going to be able to provide them with the quality of life I'd like to give.

I haven't even filed yet and I'm already aware that we are both going to lose.

2019 - Worst year ever.

I'm really sorry it has come to this Clockman. Sometimes there's just no other way.

I haven't even filed yet and I'm already aware that we are both going to lose.

2019 - Worst year ever.

Yep - no one wins in this infidelity game. I know about that worst year thing (see my tagline). I'm hopeful that your process will go smoothly. Really really hopeful. But know you have a whole group of people here who have navigated it before or are going through it at the same time as you. We'll all try and help make 2020 a better year as you move forward.

So glad you met with an attorney before the holidays - remember at this point it's a business transaction. Regardless of what that ends up looking like, it sounds like you are a great Father and will be there in all ways for your kids.

Clockman,

It sounds like you're feeling sad, and you need to get mad. Use that anger to stick up for yourself and your children.

Your WW is not thinking one bit about what is best for you or even her children. People that have affairs, lie, and cheat are not playing fair. She has been plotting her exit behind your back and lying to your face in order to get all she can in the divorce. She is steps ahead of you in being divorced in her heart, mind, and physically.

I discovered she had set-up individual bank accounts aside from our joint accounts.

This makes me angry for you and your children. She's stealing, and I wish the courts would punish her for it.

I think only the ultra-wealthy come out of a divorce without a change in their financial situation that impacts life in some way. It's just part of it.

You worry about you and the kids. Your WW is not one bit concerned for them or you. She's been plotting against you this whole time, getting her ducks in a row. You were just caught flat footed. Don't fool yourself. She's going to get what she can, you better toughen up and get what your children deserve. Just think about them and keep them top of mine bc your WW isnt'

If I fight for what's mine in the divorce I'll be hurting my kids as my wife will be in a weak position (probably losing home, etc.).

If I don't fight for what's mine in the divorce I'll be hurting my kids as I'm not going to be able to provide them with the quality of life I'd like to give.

Your kids will adapt. This is a financial decision that will impact YOUR future, and by default your kids. Kids will be hurt no matter what route you take. Please be smart and leave emotion out of financial decisions or your STBX will take advantage of that and slaughter you in the paperwork.

All you owe her is to be fair and reasonable, and make decisions that concern your children with their best interests in mind. You both owe your children a safe, loving set of parents that can co-parent through this process. Stability, is important.

I can tell you many people enter divorce thinking it will be uncontested and and splitting assets will be reasonable. Divorce brings out the absolutely worst in people. Expect it, plan for it, and have a good attorney to represent you when you feel overwhelmed or without a voice.

I'm sorry this feels like the worst Christmas ever. It won't always be that way. Find something to take your mind off things. Plan a Christmas light expedition to go look at the lights in your neighborhood. Stay busy, and know you aren't alone. You may feel isolated on an island of pain by yourself, but we all have ownership in that same island. It's pretty damn crowded if you look around. I think I've had prime real estate on it for most of 2018 and half or more of 2019. I'm not letting 2020 be anything but HINDSIGHT.

((Hug)))

Based on everyone that has gone through this, I would have to guess shes still nailing the other dude or found another one.

I too, made the mistake of going to M.C. early on and that is a last resort...it should only be attempted when the wayward is remorseful and figured out why they have horrible coping mechanisms, based in insecurity.

Where I live, the spouse may aquire alimony at a higher sum and longer duration, following 10 years. Despite popular belief, husbands can receive this, as well. Dont feel you are above it, that is her karma. Cause and effect...there are consequences in everything we do. Your kids aren't stupid, they see what's shes doing and will understand the sacrifices and decisions, as they grow older. My son is an adult and I realized I made a horrible example in being a doormat.

If she wants to make "big girl" decisions, call her bluff...trust me, she'll realize her folly, when it's already too late.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 4:26 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]

If I fight for what's mine in the divorce I'll be hurting my kids as my wife will be in a weak position (probably losing home, etc.).

If I don't fight for what's mine in the divorce I'll be hurting my kids as I'm not going to be able to provide them with the quality of life I'd like to give.

It often seems like the BS is the only one who thinks about the situation holistically. I know STBXWH is only out for what he can get. Egged on by his GF.

It truly saddens me.

Good luck with everything.

Yes, I think I remember your story. I’m sorry it has come to this. Not necessarily surprised, but sorry just the same.

While it is nice to be cordial with people who treat you similarly, I think it is foolish to be nice to people who are not nice to you. Since your WW has decided life will be better without you, I suggest you take any step necessary to ensure you have the resources you need to thrive post-D. She’s already well down that path with the separate accounts...

Your WW is a very, very selfish person. I suspect she’d be quite happy if you accept whatever she offers and then just went away quietly. Please don’t do that. Part of the reason she’s been successful is that you handled things on the home front. You should be compensated for that.

It sounds like you're feeling sad, and you need to get mad. Use that anger to stick up for yourself and your children.

As an attorney I seriously think anger makes things a LOT harder in a lot of situations. My advice to people when they are angry is: be angry if you want, but do not use the court system as a method of taking revenge, as the "revenge" you will get here is: 1) not likely to be the revenge you think you will get, and 2) not likely to make you feel better in the long run about yourself. I also tell people to try to cull their anger so that logic can drive the bus. When people are angry and overly emotional, all logic leaves the building and you oftentimes end up with more hurt and a bigger mess and (if you are a remotely decent person) a bit unhappy/upset/distressed about how you have behaved in the "moment."

I'm not saying to not defend yourself and what you have worked for in your life - but don't let anger fuel your behaving in ways that you would not want anyone to emulate (think: would I be proud to tell my kids I behaved this way? would I want them to? and act accordingly). Sometimes anger is appropriate - normally as a catalyst for change, but it can get very scary and out of hand when it becomes the driver for long term consequences.

Then again, I wholeheartedly disagree with this personally:

While it is nice to be cordial with people who treat you similarly, I think it is foolish to be nice to people who are not nice to you.

At the end of the day, I have to live with me, and I firmly believe in the treat others the way in which you wish to be treated. If I start acting like a vindictive _______, then I have stooped to their level, and I absolutely refuse to do that. Something my Dad said years ago about his divorce from my mother when asking why he didn't fight harder for his "stuff" from the marriage has always stuck with me. He said:

"Things were already nasty and at the end of the day you kids were going to split time with us and have to live in whatever situation remained. I couldn't just walk away and never see her again, so my actions would not just affect me, but both of you. My stuff just wasn't worth the long term animosity and negativity that would have created, so for the most part I just agreed with what she wanted and let it go. She wanted to take it to another level of ugly and I simply refused to do that. You can always get more stuff but you can't erase the damage of negative behavior. I chose peace over things of monetary value. I've never regretted that choice. "

My Dad's view (which he told me way later when I was an adult) is the right one for me. It doesn't mean not trying to defend yourself, it means picking your battles and for me it means being able to live with my own behavior in the long term and teaching your kids (or step kids in my case) how good people behave. The funny thing is now, as an adult, I see my parents divorce for what it is: an event where on paper my Dad got "screwed" but for us kids, it was the best situation that could be done (we lived with my mom in the marital home for 7 years, until she remarried, and my Dad got his interest in the proceeds when it sold without any additional benefit from her having the place for so long - which he then was able to buy a place for himself - he could have forced the sale but he did not - he could have also forced the liquidation of a piece of property and some other things that were income earning but he did not because it would have changed life for us and given fuel to the vitriol from my mother - it took the light out of her fire and to him that was worth it even though he rented a small 1 bedroom place for those 7 years).

So getting a lawyer is good. Considering what affect your actions will have on your kids (and heck, even your WS if that's how you feel - especially as your kids will likely be with her at least part of the time) is perfectly normal, and healthy, and sane IMO.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:47 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]

In my state, my atty said, the primary caregiver could more easily given custody. (Dads included)

I learned in my D that anything is open to negotiation. It seems a court date is set, then right b4 the date, the attys get with the clients and see what can be worked out. Then, on the court date, everyone appears and says we’ve reached agreements. ***But let the attys work this out, don’t negotiate with her! They usually hear things from their atty better, and they want to look good to the atty, so in my case, anyway, I got a lot bc of this! ***

Your STXWW or you can possibly have the marital home. When the youngest graduates high school, it can be sold, the proceeds split.

In my case, I kept the house and all equity, do not have to refi, but gave up $ from his 401k. I then gave up alimony to have a lump sum of $$ from the above named 401K.

Something I was surprised about was claiming the children on taxes. Either parent can be named to claim the children, and my gosh that really helped me. We each claimed one child. I had custody, and worked 2 part time jobs. I got the child tax credits-now $2,000 a child, and I got an earned income credit of thousands of dollars. And a credit you get even if you owe a small amount of tax. So, My tax liability was $500.00, but the credits were in top of that! I think I got 5,800 as a “refund”. When it came to college applications, the FAFSA is based on who the child physically lives with. ( I hope I don’t sound like a freeloader, but I felt if my kids went to college, and I had help along the way, we would contribute more to society long term. )

My xh wanted custody of a week with each child. I think it would have worked out great for us. I fought it though, bc the OW now wifetress was involved in a murder years before and I wanted the time limited of my kids around her.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:44 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Ok, your kids are going to be ok - they are very resilient & know more than what we parents always assume in regards to your marriage.

Always, always ask for more than what you truly want so you can negotiate down and be happy with what you actually receive. Sounds callous, and all but the first rule of negotiations is to ask for more and let them think you are "settling" for less.

I'd go 180 on her. Only discuss kids and bills. Let anything else go through the lawyers. Don't leave your home - stay in your room - the master bedroom too - if she is done with the marriage let her sleep on the couch or in another room, let her be the one to move. Your kids will still have their home - with you - Make sure you tell your kids together so that your wife cannot paint you as the bad guy.

That being said, divorce brings out the worst in people - so keep a var or your phone handy in case she does become not so nice.

Don't even think that by asking for more that your kids will suffer - they won't - because you will be there for them no matter what they need.

TISL

Then again, I wholeheartedly disagree with this personally:

While it is nice to be cordial with people who treat you similarly, I think it is foolish to be nice to people who are not nice to you.

If Clockman is who I think he is, he’s going to need to get his hands dirty with his STBXW. She’s not a good person and will expect him to roll over for her, so she can go live a fantastic, high achiever lifestyle while he goes and crawls in a hole somewhere.

I’m not suggesting he be nasty for no good reason, but he’s going to have to take a harder tack with her than he’s been willing to do in the past.

Thanks for all the encouragement and words of wisdom. That's why I'm on SI again.

While capable,I'm not prone to anger and do find it just shuts things down rather than strengthening me. I'm fine with my STBXW getting angry but refuse to let emotions control me. I prefer assertive strength to emotion. I actually feel much stronger when the other person is melting down to anger and I'm just keeping my cool and looking at them. I think it was Bruce Lee that said to "Fear the calmest person in the room."

We went to MC this week and I think reality might have hit home with my STBXW. I took control of the conversation and explained in very clear terms why I was the one ready to D her. She normally gets defensive and distorts our past to "win" discussions or arguments. This time she just sat and listened. I even sensed fear from her. I kind of felt like without knowing it she'd been using the "perhaps we'd both be happier if we were not together" talks as some sort of push to get me to beg to stay together or whatever. When I shifted to actually agreeing that we should divorce and even told her when I planned to file I think it hit home with her that I wasn't afraid to kick her to the curb. She's been making comments like "I'm only still with her because my quality of life would decrease if I left" and I very clearly made her realize she was dead wrong about that.

The night after our MC session I headed to our bed. She walked to it crying, grabbed her pillow and a blanket and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. I slept just fine. Her mindset had become very entitled and self-centered over the past couple years. I tried to kick her out of our bed after her A and she stubbornly told me she made the money that paid for the bed so I could go sleep elsewhere. Her going to the couch was another indication that it's sinking in that she's not in the drivers seat anymore.

W and the kids are now out of town. To add even more drama to this holiday season, her grandpa out of state has cancer and has suddenly gone steeply downhill.

It's going to be hard to be happy for the kids this holiday.

[This message edited by Clockman at 7:19 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

No good advice but so sorry you’re faced with this. Besides the obvious damage that was done to you there’s still so much more to deal with. It’s wonderful you’re a good dad and will

Continue to be one. I send prayers and positive thoughts your way.

We made through Christmas. Kids had a great one and because of that, so did I. I did get hit with some feelings of depression late in the evening as the thought came to me that this could be our last Christmas as a complete family.

W's grandpa died. That's added another layer of stress and sadness to both of us.

It's interesting to me how I guess I envisioned people who are looking to divorce as always arguing, fighting, angry, and acting hateful towards the other. We've had almost none of that. Our issues are more along the line of "trust is dead" and layers of resentment and fear.

I sometimes get glimpses of normalcy between us. Then I realize she's very good at acting normal yet plotting and planning behind my back.

I was changing the sheets on our bed and found her "battle plan" of notes for what she might bring up in a divorce case. Most of it was bullshit that was based on how she felt and not that I'd actually done anything wrong. The one statement that jumped out was she said she was "afraid I might hurt our pets to get revenge on her." WTF?! I love our two dogs. Why would I hurt our pets? They have been far more loyal and loving than she has. I guess she's just scared and reaching for anything to try and save herself from some envisioned action I might take to destroy her in a D. I don't plan to destroy her.

The thing that's grating on me right now is how she has switched to a different bank account from our joint one and it keeping it all secret from me. We've always done joint finances and she has not unilaterally changed that. She had even locked me out our our Amazon Prime account. I asked to be re-admitted to that and she did change the password back.

I got a $30 Amazon gift card for Christmas and went on today to buy something. I added the gift card and it added into a credit balance she already had on there of ~$500. I spend $38 and it all came out of the big gift balance. She texted me within the hour asking "Why are you buying things on Amazon with my money?" I explained what I'd done and told her I was so sorry for upsetting her and I'll be happy to give her the $8 soon.

This whole mine vs yours crap is new and I don't like it. We're still married and I didn't get on board with this.

Clockman, sorry for the loss of your family member, but glad that your holiday was pleasant overall.

Your WW is actively trying to cheat you out of marital assets. She has $500 “spent” at Amazon. Wanna bet how many other credits she has squirreled away with other retailers? I’d recommend that you engage an attorney sooner than later so that you don’t have to resort to a forensic accountant to get your share of the marital property when things finalize.

Also, that “worry” she had about you hurting the dogs is awfully close to false domestic violence allegations we see on here sometimes. Wake up and takes steps to protect yourself!

I said it before, and I will say it again: you need to take a no nonsense approach with her. All business or she will run your ass out of town on a rail. She’s an inherently selfish, entitled person.

Bud what you are seeing is a conniving, self centered wayward who is going to for your juggler.

You worry about your kids. How are you gonna even begin to have any life with them if you let her take everything?

She's showing you her hand and is rewriting the marital history to suit her.

Be smart and wake up to what you're about to get hit with. Then prepare a battle plan. You and your life matter too.

Clockman - listen to Sanibelredfish and Marz - get the ball rolling with the attorney NOW. She's going to ramp things up before things calm down; I'd be willing to bet a paycheck on that.

Carry a VAR with you at all times as well.

She is planning to dump you hard.

Don't get caught flat footed.

Get everything you have a right to.

Asset split, alimony, child support.

She will have no pity on you. Bank on that.

I read somewhere that telling the other party your moves is maintaining the relationship.

It's appealing because if you could divorce together, it would be easier.

Yep, but you aren't dealing with a reasonable person. Neither am I. It took me awhile to understand that and act accordingly.

Don't tell her when you plan to file again. Just do it.

She is savvy.