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Her reaction was predictable, but I’m sure still frustrating. She will continue with her head up her ass until it becomes more painful than not.

I imagine you also wish you’d never married her given what she’s shown you the past year or so... She has overlooked your contributions to the M all along I suspect. What a selfish, entitled asshole.

Make sure you get a fair shake in the D.

I stopped short of suggesting if it bothers her that we have a guest room and she has several options at her parents.

Why not.

Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” freepdf and it’s short.

IMO I wouldn’t lie to help cover her. Your gonna (like most) set yourself up for all the blame here.

You can see that coming a mile off

I'm with Marz. I would never cover up for a cheater. She lies, cheats, and deceives then demeans your contibutions and then you cover for her shameful conduct. She doesn't want to be shamed or exposed? POOR MUFFIN! Then don't be a cheater. You don't have to be vindictive. Just honest. She cheated. Period

None of this "just grew apart" bullshit. Don't cover for her. How much worse can she hate you then: "I'm sorry I married you."

How are you doing clockman. I hope you have found the angry Hulk within you and have totally detached from her manipulation of you. Sending you strength and best wishes.

How are you doing clockman. I hope you have found the angry Hulk within you and have totally detached from her manipulation of you. Sending you strength and best wishes.

How are you doing clockman. I hope you have found the angry Hulk within you and have totally detached from her manipulation of you. Sending you strength and best wishes.

Not only should you not feel bad about claiming what's yours, you should hire a forensic accountant. Talk to your lawyer - in my state it is likely all my legal costs will be payed by my cheating spouse.

The way she is behaving around finances is so entitled it is mind boggling to me. Finances is the area where my WH's fake nice slips, but your STBX has taken it to the next level.

It's hard for me to mentally deal with not being able to support myself and kids financially, even though I've also always been the primary caretaker. I can't even imagine the pressure you feel as a man. But don't buy in to the traditional roles bullshit - your wife would be winning zero bread if not for you. She is what she is and earns what she does because of sacrifices you made in your own career.

When you work out the financial details of your divorce, you are not asking for her money. You are not taking away from her. You are simply claiming money that is already yours. It's money you earned with every diaper changed, errand run, meal cooked, and floor swept - all things you did so she could be at work and whatever extracurricular activities she was engaging in. You earned that money too. You worked hard and it is yours.

Based on the Amazon incident, she is going to guilt you and manipulate you to feel that you are taking money that isn't yours. DON'T fall for it. You know how hard you worked, and how she repaid you for your effort. She owes you. Don't apologize for normal, minor purchases. Don't pay her back. Why should you? You did nothing wrong. Don't do or say anything that will feed her messed-up narrative that she is the breadwinner and you contribute nothing.

Take alimony, child support, and AT LEAST 50% of assets, depending on how custody is awarded. In my state, infidelity factors in to the division of assets. Ask your attorney.

Then, you can use that money to buy your kids the things they need, pay for their activities, whatever. You aren't taking away from them. You're taking back your agency. Don't be that dad in a one-bedroom. Get a place where your kids can stay comfortably. Don't let your children see you take the punishment for your STBX's selfish choices. Let them see what their dad is really worth. You don't have to be mean or grasping - it is simply standing up for what is rightfully yours. You gave her so much grace, and she squandered it. It's no one's fault but her own if she suffers financially.

Do what you know is right. STBX should thank her lucky stars that she married someone who is so considerate and fair-minded.

ETA: Do YOU want the house? You seem to like being there. I think you should have the house then. I (BW $40K/yr) am trying to keep ours. Why does WW have to be the one to stay in the house for the kids? I'm guessing she's not the one taking care of it. Why is she assuming she gets to keep it? Take all the equity. Either give back your share of her retirement or just ask for the house outright as what you and your kids are owed for the damage she did to your family. I'm asking for 60% of assets, minimum.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 11:50 AM, January 28th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

It's been a while. I'm doing okay all things considered. I just wanted to post an update on everything.

I'm still in our home and in my own bed. We still haven't told the kids and I'm trying to keep the environment stable and normal until we do. We are going to a parenting class required by our state the middle of the month. Valentines Day to be specific. How wonderful. Not that either of us made a big day of it in the past.

STBXW invited me to her counseling session a couple weeks ago. I didn't know what to expect but decided to go to hear what she had to say. She basically ambushed me in front of the counselor about not talking to her or sharing my plans. I just repeated that I'd let her know my plans when I had developed them. I walked out of the session. Total BS.

Last November I discovered she was opening individual checking/savings/CC accounts and was planning to "cut me off" by switching her direct deposit from our joint account. She left me a note on my desk telling me this and stating that she would continue paying the bills but was taking control of her money and future. I told her I didn't agree with this and she just shrugged and said "oh well." Since then I've been forced to open my own account and use it for payments and expenses for my work and spending. She has been paying the bills and family expenses as usual but now complains that I'm just mooching off her because I'm getting paid but not paying any bills! WTF? I do buy some groceries and spend on the kids, but yes I'm letting her live up to what she demanded. The whole thing is somewhat comical as despite her opening an individual account, in our state it's still all technically joint as we are married and I haven't agreed to any division. Right now I'm just trying to squirrel away as much as I can for when I get out.

CallingSpades- Yes I have considered the house issue and couldn't keep it even if I wanted. I've been primarily a stay at home dad for the past several years and now can't qualify for a mortgage or refi as I'm lacking income history that would allow me to do so. I'm planning to let her keep the house after buying me out with equity so the kids can have the familiar environment and stay in their schools.

I have been looking into housing and despite my desire to purchase something I am stuck due to the income history issue. I will be renting something for a year or two and I'm actually fine with that. My kids won't care and it will actually be a nice break to not have to keep up a property. Down the road I can buy something I'm in love with.

Today she left some papers on my desk from our cell phone service. She had circled the part about my phone still being paid for via the interest free installment plan from our carrier. She didn't say anything to me about this, just left it on my desk. I assume she's trying to say she's not going to pay for my phone anymore. Hum.

I also asked for copies of our CC statements and checking account statement from last year as she's locked me out of those accounts. She just left me the checking but not the CC. Fortunately there is a clause in the courts injunction stating all records must be produced to the other part upon request. I guess I'm going to have to point this out to her.

Fun, fun, fun...

Nothing in any of your posts suggests she is going to be fair about anything.

You deserve half, child support and alimony. If the shoe was on the other foot she’d get it.

Better be prepared.

Go for EVERYTHING. You can always renegotiate later if you feel it’s too much. But don’t expect her to be fair.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:47 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

You are both done with the marriage. The painful part is accepting the things that will happen that you have no control over. You are both going to find someone else to love. In the meantime you have children who will have to navigate their new lives. The best thing you can do is sit down with your wife and tell her that no matter how much the two of you come to resent each other you cannot let it affect how you parent together.

The thing that always raises its ugly head is money. Your wife is going to have a wonderful income but she’s already resenting having to give you any of it. That is such a common reaction that I’m not surprised about it anymore. I’ve seen siblings who vowed they were best friends get torn apart over family money. Let the lawyers handle this part of it if you can. It will keep the resentment down to a dull roar instead of all out war. Because of the noise she is making about money you’re going to have to allow lawyers to get more of it than you hoped. They each will do what they can for their client but in the long run if the two of you tell them that you want it fair and equitable and get it done ASAP then they will.

I know your story and I know this was heartbreaking to you at the beginning but it seems like you have certainly moved on emotionally. I hope that’s the case because I think it makes this less painful. Divorce is never pretty but when it’s done with the children in mind it can be done.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:06 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

Staying in the home and taking care of the children is long hard work not to mention putting your career on hold.

She owes you for all this work YOU put in so she could be successful in her career.

Get your fair share.

You deserve it and your children do too.

Is my STBXWW manipulating me or is she just living on another planet? Either way, she's making it much easier for me to ask for what I'm due and more. I agree that she has no interest in being fair and is only looking out for herself as usual.

I was surprised by a move she made to start sleeping in the basement bedroom instead of in our bed where I'm still at. It didn't bother me to tell the truth just surprised me.

We are about to start working on our 2019 taxes. I've always done them and it looks like she wants me to take care of it again which I'm fine with. As part of the attempted reconciliation last year I did start to work some more. It was part time as I was also still expected to be stay at home dad and homemaker. I may have made a whopping $10k or so on the side doing some home improvement work for friends and neighbors. All this income went into our account and was spent on joint expenses aside from the last $3k that I held out of fear as she was setting up individual accounts behind my back and loosely using our "emergency" fund money.

Obviously all this pay came in as cash and I haven't paid any taxes or self employment tax on it yet. We usually get back ~$4k as a refund each year so I figured when we did our taxes it would just reduce that some and all be fine.

STBXW asked me how I intended to pay the taxes on "my income." I explained and she became angry that "she shouldn't have to be paying taxes on my money." ?! O...K? She then asked if we could file separately and I just said sure, but it will cut her standard deduction in half and she'd probably get less than if we just filed together. I reminded her that in 2019 we were still together as a married couple and trying to work things out. Just because I have now filed for D in 2020 doesn't change our financial plan and issues from last year. She's still a little hot about this and I haven't had the heart to tell her yet that not only are the taxes on my income going to reduce the refund, but that I'm going to ask her for half of what's refunded to us. She may implode.

Has anyone noticed Karma hitting their WS's? On Sunday my STBXW's car died. Well, it's technically "our" car but she's always claimed it as hers and uses it exclusively. She has a Prius and I've got a minivan. Classic family cars right? Anyway, the hybrid battery has died suddenly in the Prius and it's going to cost around $2k to get it replaced. She actually texted me today to ask if I was going to split the costs of the repair with her for her car. Our van also has some issues so I said that we should be getting our tax refund relatively soon and I suggested we use that money to repair both vehicles. I thought this was a more than fair idea but her reply was "What do you mean by OUR refund?!" She ranted and raved over text message and I mostly ignored her. In the end she said to forget it and that she would take care of it and I would need to take care of issues with my van.

I'm stunned sometimes on how she wants to have it both ways with stuff. She wanted to separate our finances and did so without my approving, yet she wants me to chip in financially when she has expenses. She complains that all she does is work and never sees our kids, yet talks about how nice it is to only work 3-days a week.

I'm so over it.

I'm about to draft a dissolution agreement for our property and finances to give to her to start some negotiations. The only piece of advice I keep getting over and over it to ask for more that I'd be happy to get. The way she's acting it going to make it easy to do this now.

Wish me luck.

You're doing great Clockman. This nickel and diming stuff is all too common - it's like they have to have a little hit of perceived power or control or something to make themselves feel better about their crap. The old "You're not the boss of me" silliness. It really does seem like you're doing a fantastic job of not taking her bait. In the end, the law is what the law is whether it's taxes or joint accounts or whatever. Let her stomp around and leave papers on your desk and think she's going to dictate things.

I'm about to draft a dissolution agreement for our property and finances to give to her to start some negotiations.

I didn't go back and read where you are in this process, but are you thinking the two of you are going to negotiate a settlement together? It's not looking like she'll be particularly reasonable in that regard. I don't get it - the hills some people want to die on and in the end discover it just didn't matter and was a waste of time and money.

Not going to send you luck - sending you lots of encouragement to stay the path you've decided to travel!

Asset splits are normally 50/50 nothing new here.

You put in just as much hard work as she did by taking care of the home and kids.

You need an attorney to guide you on what to ask for. Knowledge here is power so get what the law allows.

Staying home and taking care of everything allowed her to work and make a career possible.

If the shoe was on the other foot she would be wanting aa she was entitled to.

You are surprised she is supremely selfish? Everything she has done screams spoiled, entitled and selfish. Marz has given you great advice. I don’t see her selfishness allowing her to negotiate a fair settlement. See an attorney.

Wow. I think something must have burst in her brain yesterday. She worked until 3am and I’m sound asleep in our bed. Instead of sleeping downstairs she decided to move back into our room. She came in flipped on the lights, tossed her pillow on the bed hitting me, and then proceeded to ask haw my day was in a sarcastic tone. She made extra effort to make noise and disturb me as she got ready for bed. I’m proud of myself as I completely ignored her and didn’t take the bait she was throwing out in an effort to get a rise out of me. I just told her I hoped she got some good sleep and I’d see her tomorrow. I think she was trying to get me to leave or something. She has no idea how in control of myself I am right now. Zen baby.

Yet again the person you lovingly marry is not the cold hearted witch you divorce!!!

Congrats on your Zen move as she tried to pick a fight in your bedroom.

Can’t lose her fast enough in my opinion

If you don’t already have a voice activated recorder (VAR) on you at all times, I highly recommend you start doing this. She is escalating things to try to get you to react, and I get a whiff of a false domestic violence claim when things ramp up this way. The VAR may be the only thing that keeps you out of jail.

My gut did say to turn on my recorder on my phone last night I just didn't get the opportunity to covertly do it. I plan to let it run tonight just in case. I don't think she would claim a false DA, but I'm realizing I don't know the person she's become too well. Hopefully she was just having a melt down and it will pass.