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My husband has almost always been impotent in the bedroom during our 14 years of marriage. Not even Viagra or Cialis worked for him, except for once in a while. Sex for us was rare during our marriage, and was completely non-existent for the last three years.

So, when I found out about his sexual affair with another woman I was shocked, not only because he crossed that line, but that he even could have sex at all. I asked him if he had found a medication that worked for him and he said, "No. I don't need any medication when I'm with her. Everything works fine when I am with her."

Needless to say, this was a triple blow for me beyond all human comprehension. I am sure you could only imagine the depth of my humiliation. I had to endure the pain of his affair AND the humiliation of knowing that his ED is cured by another woman AND the jealousy of knowing that his whore was getting the one thing I so desperately wanted and missed in my marriage.

Does anyone have any ideas on why this might be the case for him? Why can he perform successfully with his mistress and not with me? Perhaps it's the thrill of the forbidden, but might there be more to this mystery? It's been five months since DD, and I am still in shock and confusion over this excruciating aspect of his affair.

Thanks for any ideas or input you may have.

Oh that is awful. I think there are some theories here that I have read about this. It doesn’t completely match my situation but if it helps we all feel this humiliation and pain whether we were having sex as a couple or not. In my case, there was plenty at home and I’m torn apart that it wasn’t good enough. He wanted more. Others have told me they weren’t having sex so they were shocked to find out about the cheating. I have heard that some people think of sex as a dirty thing for whatever reason in their pasts. For them, when real love is involved, they can’t perform because they don’t have that “bad” dirty feeling that makes it happen for them. Does this ring true for you? Were things otherwise good and loving in your relationship?

[This message edited by Maybehurtforever at 9:51 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Was he watching a lot of porn before her? Getting himself off on a regular basis? Things like that desensitize men to actual sex and can cause ED type issues. Could it be that was the issue?

That was the issue in my marriage. He was using porn and online/phone orgasms so often, that it was hard for him to then get hard with me. Now that all that’s done, it’s much easier.

There’s probably more to the mystery. I agree it’s a hard thing to take either way.

ED could be of course health related but not normal for a healthy 30+ year old man and for it to continue for 14+ years. Guilt caused by cheating as well could effect performance, but based on your other post I don’t for a minute think that your WH is remorseful or feels guilty.

You have been in a sexless marriage for 3 years and he graciously told you the “truth” and that he has no problems with her....I’m afraid that you have not even gotten to the tip of the iceberg w his history of cheating.

And yes, it is also very likely that he is still in the affair. There is no reason for him not to be...

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:17 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Madonna/whore complex.

Some men must view women as one or the other--pure or dirty, good or bad, nurturing or nasty--never both. I guess it stems from major FOO. It is not as uncommon as it should be.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:42 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

I agree with the porn theory and the whore/Madonna theory that OIN posted above. It could be that the illicitness of the affair is what got his engine running. There’s nothing “naughty” about having sex with your wife. Sex within marriage is expected. But doing it in secret is the titillation needed for arousal.

Read about the Coolidge effect. I discovered it after dday and was floored when my MC told me he feels that was a factor in my husbands A. Prior to dday he was having some ED issues but not always. He did tell me he needed to watch porn to perform with OW which is exactly what she told me. It still didn’t hurt any less when the affair was over because he still had the same issues with me that he had prior to dday. I felt like he was thinking about being with her and so couldn’t perform with me. I amped up my end in the bedroom and it was not too helpful. We too tried Viagra and it didn’t help at all. It took a lot of time and patience and now five years later we have to manipulate medication doses or else we’d live in a dead bedroom.

Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist?

It seems you are saying the ED has always been a problem between you and WH? Did it by chance start after you had kids? The Madonna/Whore thing frequently starts when a wife becomes a mother.

A man feels in his gut, "She is a nurturer, a mother, a pure force of good. I cannot do that to her. Disgusting. She's a good girl."

It's almost as if a wife becomes her husband's mother, in his mind. Like it's incest. He can no longer look at her in that 'inappropriate' way.

He tries to live without, use porn. But then cheating is often common. And he will want to have no respect for this person, all the better for his sexual needs.

Now, if his ED corresponds with his cheating (like caused by his cheating), then it's more likely guilt and shame.

It's not you though. He's messed up in his head. It is NOT about you and your attractiveness as it would have happened with any wife.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:33 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

I'm just going to put this simply, and it may hurt, but sister, your man is F'd up.

His brain is broken. He has to be the one to fix it. You can't do this for him, and trust me when I say this, his being able to perform doesn't mean he was giving her something you weren't getting, because it was all about him, everything in an A is about them getting ego kibbles, and needs and wants met.

Do NOT allow this fact to cause you more pain. He is a broken man, and until he does the work to fix it, he will remain broken. You however are just an innocent bystander that has been victimized by his abuse. Remember that. What he did is abuse.

((((And Strength))))

My experience with ED is that when my wife started her affair I started having ED problems for the first time in my life. I would try to kiss her and I just knew somthing was very wrong. I very much believe that emotions play a huge role in my ability to perform. Just another part of the emasculation for me.

How long have you been together and dealing with his ED in comparison to how long his A has been going on?

This sounds like so much bullshit to me. Granted, I'm not versed in the intricacies of ED.

Coco, more history is in her thread in R. A was discovered very recently.

The unfairness of this all (besides the obvious) is that this sexless marriage has been due to his ED problems and I have been supportive and remained FAITHFUL for all of these years.

We waited to have sex until we got married, and found out on our wedding night that he was unable. We never made love on our honeymoon. It took a month before we consumated our marriage and it was over in ten seconds. Our first time was not special. It was stressful and filled with disappointment. There have been times when certain medications worked, but not for long. We were always back to square one - frustration. Yet, I remained faithful.

He said he never knew he had ED. I find hard to believe for a man to not know that, but ok. Whatever.

I did my best to be a supportive and patient wife. I loved him so much, I would never have left him over this. On the contrary, I sought out new medicines and specialists, doctors and clinics. I searched for answers way beyond his own searches for answers. I searched and searched for an answer until HE finally gave up.

During one rare successful span of time, we found a medication that worked and for a year or so, we were able to have sex and it was so wonderful, we used to cry, we were so overjoyed to be bonded like we dreamed of for so long. It was during this time that I got pregnant and we were over the moon. But at 12 weeks, I miscarried. The medication stopped working, and we were back to square one again. So much loss and heartbreak and frustration. That was my only pregnancy. And on a side note, the miscarriage was easier to accept and move past than his affair ever will be.

So, no children. No lovemaking. No fidelity. No love or affection. No safety or security. And now, probably, no marriage going forward. Not exactly the life we planned for ourselves on our wedding day.

At one point he told me, "We are never going to make love again and you are just going to have to accept that." To tell this to a wife is like telling her that she will never be loved again. It was a huge blow. And the irony of his statement is that at that exact same time, he was having perfectly fine sex with his mistress.

I certainly do think that pornography played a part in his life to fill that void for years (before he found his mistress, that is) and I have heard of "Porn Induced ED".

Before DD, I asked him if porn was a part of his life because it could be causing his ED, but he insisted that porn was not a part of his life. At the time I didn't know that he was sleeping with his other woman and so I believed him. I didn't know at that point that he was a liar. Now, months past DD, I think he very likely could have been incorporating porn into his life and had lied about it to me.

I grieve and grieve over the fact that this wonderful aspect of married life was denied us, which caused a huge wedge between us, neither of us feeling loved or desired.

I am enraged that there is a selfish whore thirty miles away who cured him of his ED problem.

I grieve that I was never enough.

I tell him often that I must let off some kind of hormone or pheremone that acts against his own hormones, causing him to be unable to perform. And in my utter humiliation and horror of this whole nightmare, we see now that it is true. It is me.

There is so much to grieve, I don't even know where or how to begin. Thanks for listening everyone.

I grieve that I was never enough.

I tell him often that I must let off some kind of hormone or pheremone that acts against his own hormones, causing him to be unable to perform. And in my utter humiliation and horror of this whole nightmare, we see now that it is true. It is me.

It breaks my heart to see you beating yourself up over the ED issues because I was there. I did the same thing with my WH. I thought maybe I had just gained too much weight and was no longer attractive, or we were just too out of practice and I should try harder, etc. After DDAY, I saw all the pictures and messages where he clearly had no issue in that department. At first I did take it personally. Things are just so crazy immediately after DDAY, and I just wasn't thinking straight. I was re-writing my own marital history. I was looking at the last few years of no sex and thinking that was our whole relationship.

Then when I could think with a clearer head, I realized that his issues performing with me were because of his extracurricular activities, and really had nothing to do with me or my attractiveness/efforts at all. Before his cyber affairs, we didn't have an issue. I know that's different for you with issues from the start, but he likely wasn't being honest with you from the start either.

I also went through the asking about porn and the self pleasure, because I felt it was obvious he was getting something, and was lied too repeatedly.

I am enraged that there is a selfish whore thirty miles away who cured him of his ED problem.

His issues are secondary ED, which means he is able to get an erection, and there are a number of physical and psychological causes of it. If he's able to perform fine with her, it's more likely that he has a sick, porn brain, where illicet sex is more of a turn on. She didn't cure him of anything. He's simply a sick individual who can't have normal, loving sex.

I grieve that I was never enough.

(((Louisianalisa))) this is not your fault. I know that this is nearly impossible to wrap your brain around but it is not your fault and you didn't deserve this.

Your husband had hundreds of other options for dealing with his ED and any other mental issues he may have. He could have gone to therapy, he could have seen a sex therapist, he could have tried more medication, he could have changed his diet, he could have exercised more, he could have started drinking, he could have buried himself in work, he could have numbed out by watching tv. Not all of those are good options but they are all better than devastating you.

You are good enough. You didn't deserve this and it isn't your fault.

Tell that to yourself every day until it starts to sink in. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I grieve that I was never enough.

I tell him often that I must let off some kind of hormone or pheremone that acts against his own hormones, causing him to be unable to perform. And in my utter humiliation and horror of this whole nightmare, we see now that it is true. It is me.

Nope do NOT do this to yourself. This has ZERO to do with you and everything to do with him being a broken person.

He probably was into porn, or wanking it so much he couldn't perform. That or he has the afore mentioned Madonna/Whore complex, which could be since you had trouble even at the very beginning of your M when he should have been at you like a dog in heat.

Stop accepting blame for his brokenness. All that does is create a false atmosphere of shame for you. It isn't true, and it isn't real. It's all on him. 110% of it.

Wayward, and a male, here, so hope you don't mind....

I'm over 50 and have had some ED issues off and on over the last 8 years.

Weight, fitness level, smoking, drinking, over-work/stress, etc. can all play a part in ED problems. So can mental issues, and desire.

With my AP I actually had ED problems a lot (darn subconscious) which goes back to my being in the A for the ego kibbles and not the sex, and I get ED problems from time to time with my my wife (both before the A, and currently) which are mostly in my mind. All it takes is a moment of thinking I am not all there and that is it for me. But that is all in my mind, not physical.

Now, Viagra or Cialis work great, as long as you are sexually excited. Just taking the pill does not cause an erection, but once I start to get turned on and/or thinking about sex with my wife then it kicks in.

So is he not into you? is it because he got excited by the forbidden fruit? Is there past trauma he hasn't dealt with, is there addiction at play? Is it because of the water?

I don't know.

One thing I do know is that after my A my BW and I learned an important lesson on our way to R - we need to communicate with each other. We finally started to talk about not only our relationship but our desires and likes with regard to sex. Imagine that it only took us 23 years of marriage to figure out that we need to talk to each other.

It is not about you. It is his issue.

BUT - you two need to work on this together if you are going to work on R.

You are not alone. WH always had PE, and about 10 or so years into our M, he started having ED issues. We went to the doctor, tried different things including Viagra and Cialis, and nothing worked.

At that time, I still loved my husband very much and told myself that being in a celibate M was ok b/c I loved him and we got along well and everything else was fine. We discussed celibacy and were in agreement to not have sex.

Every year after that, I'd ask him if we were still ok with no sex or should we revisit this, and he said yes, he was fine, he didn't have much of a sex drive anyway.

At about the 25th year of M, he started secretly seeing a slunt and had no problems performing with her. In fact, he said he'd sometimes use a condom so he wouldn't orgasm too fast.

My DDays #1 & 2 were 6 years ago (we had been M since 1980).

I have no idea why your WH can't perform with you--it was the same for me. As for my WH, he had his ideal dream beach bunny younger slender blonde sex worker to fulfill all his dreams and fantasies, catering to him, and I tell ya, it was the easiest money she's ever made for less than 8 seconds of PIV.

It's NOT you.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 12:14 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

So, no children. No lovemaking. No fidelity. No love or affection. No safety or security. And now, probably, no marriage going forward. Not exactly the life we planned for ourselves on our wedding day.

LL, you are ONLY 43. You easily have another 40+ years in you. You deserve so much better than a marriage in name only. It's not even too late for you to have children if that's still something you want. Don't waste any more time on this broken, toxic man.

This IS NOT your fault. You're right that it's completely ridiculous for an adult man to not know he had ED while in a dead bedroom of his own making. It has nothing to do with you. He was always this way in your marriage. He will likely be this way for his next partner. If he's not moving heaven and earth to fix this, you do not need to give him any more of your time.

We waited to have sex until we got married, and found out on our wedding night that he was unable.

So you were almost 30 and he was 30+ and you were both virgins? I apologize if you feel this is too personal, but I'm trying to understand. Or had you both been in other relationships?

There HAS to be other information that your WH has kept hidden from you all these years. Whether it is other A's, porn addiction, childhood abuse? I realize it is impossible to make sense out of the nonsensical!

I just cannot imagine a healthy (is/was he healthy?) 30 year old newly married man being seemingly content with an almost sexless marriage for the last 14+ years.

And to also reiterate the other comments, this is no reflection on you. This is 1000% on him and what he has done and is doing is ABUSE. Please take back your power. Consult a lawyer to fully understand your rights and knowledge purposes and start with individual therapy for yourself.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 1:54 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]