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Two nights ago we made love for the first time in the new year. She got off, I didn’t. She’s questioned me non stop as to why, so today I confessed that when we are intimate her AP is always present in my mind and frequently kills my libido. She actually said “OMG, is that why you turned away? It never occurred to me!” Really, are WS’s that clueless? It never occurred to her that screwing a married man while married to me would haunt me ? SMH. Apparently that goes for being naked with another man or exchanging love notes and letters as well.

This!

Yes, they are clueless!

Tell her it doesn’t wash off.

My WH didn’t think things would be that bad after if I found out about the affairs. That sure, I would be hurt, but would ultimately be totally fine.

They really are that clueless.

Congrats, your WW is even more clueless than mine. Lol she just didn't care I had mind movies about the two of them. "Haunted by it" and "it doesn't wash off" are two great ways of describing it.

I have the same problem. The mind movies are a killer!

Niceguy25, have you thought about confronting the OM?

Jimmy1962

I can relate as I found out my girl cheated on me about 10 years ago . I don’t know full details but I think it was between a year and 2 years. Mind movies sucks . It’s hard to know or think that your spouse was getting pleased by someone else and enjoyed it. When a person cheats they always say affair sex is the best as it’s the fear of getting caught , exciting and doing something naughty.

Ugh. I had some great hysterical bonding with WH earlier on. After a recent insensitive act on his part, my subconscious guard went up and I just can't finish. I'm interested, it's nice, but it's different.

The insensitive act? The A was with a bar fly. He left a bar where he was with a mutual friend (which I was comfortable with), and announced via text that he was going to a different bar by himself. I was so shocked I didn't even reply. I truly don't think he did anything that night, and I set him straight later. But Christ, mine is a clueless W indeed.

I have the same problem...I can't seem to get his whore out of my visions when we are intimate. It turns my stomach

We just had this conversation last night. I wish I had some advice or answers for you, but I’m struggling with the same things. Although we talked about it, it went nowhere. He listened, but instead of reassuring me, or saying anything at all, he just kept staring at me like I was going to come up with an answer by myself via venting. There are so many triggers during love making. It baffles the mind that this doesn’t register as a potential issue to the WS after cheating is discovered. Perhaps it’s not an issue for them because they could easily have A sex then come home to their spouse without blinking an eye. Maybe they’re still disconnected from sex and it’s still not an intimate encounter… still just sex. I really haven’t a clue, but if anyone has any advice, I’m listening.

Niceguy25, Thanks for starting this thread. Apparently we’re not alone in this.

They live in denial. They believe what they want to believe. They are enjoying the A They don’t want it to be as bad as it is. Denial x 1000

For me as the BS. It’s trauma. It just is. I ruminate. I have nightmares. I became depressed and PTSD. Of course I trigger. Look at the numbers on this site. It’s a common reaction. All these symptoms last for years.

They believe sex is the one area you will be ok? Really? That’s visiting the scene of the crime. It’s a major trigger.

I’ve been date raped. Date rape drug. By a friend. It’s been my experience that cheating by my husband was far worse traumatic then rape. Far far far worse.

If it’s not such a bad thing. Why hide it? Why not discuss it? Why get married? Why not tell everyone?

I never got over it sexually. I find my ex very appealing. Just not sexually.

At the end. He believed I was tolerating his serial cheating. Which meant we had an open marriage. Talk about delusional. It was all in his head. He was so very happy. He said we had fantastic marriage. No clue.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:52 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

PeaceLily210...at some point I intend to ask her if it will be ok for me that to fuck, suck and exchange sexually charged cards and letters with the person of my choosing, make sure she is aware of it all, allow it to go on for 3+ years, all the while telling her how much smarter, more physically fit, more ambitious, more sexy, more attentive and passionate they are. Then I’m going to be totally astounded when this isn’t OK, so I can tell her to get over it and move on. It was just a mistake after all.

House of plane...yes I have wanted to confront him but what’s the point. She was nothing more than another notch in his belt. His wife knows his lifestyle and at the time he zeroed in on my wife he was on affair #8,9 or 10, and broke it off with my WS to move on to #11, and who knows how many more since then. I can’t help but believe God will deal with it far better than I can ever hope too.

Lovemaking? What's that?

Since wh affairs it seems to just be sex. And all about him. Or at least was. I've taken back alot of power in that department. Then again as the bw I still have triggers. Shit back when he asked if we wanted to have a third child....omg. I hadn't had unprotected sex with him in ages and sex itself was few and far between. So wanting another child...yes I did but...oh how hard that was. I cried the entire time, quietly in the dark during the whole thing. Of course the twins were the result of that. And I'm blessed to have them but it was painful to get there.

Even now years out....sex is so difficult.

I had gotten sick of just being his blow up doll and a series of holes for HIS pleasure. I demanded affection and foreplay and nights that he just attended to MY needs. It's been going well. Some days.

One thing I realized that when he was in an active PA and had sex with an ow, that night coming home to me he was distant. He didn't want sex. Didn't want to touch me at all. He slept turned away from me when we always spooned. Looking back I see now the signs I missed then.

So yesterday on his break i had told him that i really needed his attention when he got home. Once the kids were in bed and it was our time i fully expected him to get right into things, i even started things...and he just laid there...

Then. He fell asleep....FELL ASLEEP!!!

Now i realize he works hard. I realize hes been in pain from the back issue and meningitis and its going to take time for him to get back to his old self...but dammit i needed him.

And him being distant and uninterested was a massive trigger for me.

He apologized this morning. He knew, without me saying anything, that I was upset.

And the thing is that when I am upset I just ccant get aroused with him.

For ages I'd get to that plateau and never finish. The mind movies haunted me. And the frustration of not enjoying the time with him didn't help. I got more satisfaction from my alone time than I did with my husband. He didn't understand that frustration at all until recently.

He hasn't been able to finish with certain methods and the other day he laid there so frustrated that I was doing everything right and it just wasnt working. He looked at me and said "now I understand how you felt all those times".

It definitely a work in progress.

Love making ... he is in my head too! She does not understand that screwing another man for 4 years that was 18 years older than me (52 at the time) and then telling me he was more of a man destroyed my desire ... I did try a couple times though but she always says no ... she gets her way ... she just rolls over on top of me when I am sleeping or going to sleep and pulls my bottoms down... no foreplay ... no touching ... she will rock sometimes ready and sometimes not... she Climaxes and rolls off ... sometimes she will wait a minute, but will tell me to hurry up and finish and rolls off if I do or dont... ironically she can seem to be super loving at times... co workers and neighbors thknk she's the best and I am so lucky...

That's incredibly sad Jeepman. She doesn't have a right to your body like that. I'm so sorry.

Jeepman and DragnHeart, thank you. It’s encouraging that to know this is not just me. I’ve kept this secret for her/us for 30 years and have recently asked myself WHY? Why am I protecting her when I was her last choice for over 3 years while he enjoyed carefree Sex and passion from her. Why am I the one trying to shut out the mind movies while she compares me to him and savors their intimate times together? Why am missing out on a pleasures in my sex life experience and only wanted when she’s in the mood. I’m done and I’m open to any possibilities that come my way. Two can play this game. Ive tried to help her “Get It” but I now know it’s going to take one of two things. Divorce or having to live through this experience this from the other side of the coin. I’ve never thought of myself as a Madhatter, but sometimes crazy works.

I'd never suggest having a RA.

Myself I never could have sex with another man while married. In regards to a revenge affair I was told by our mc that it wouldn't have the same effect on wh as it did me. So why add fuel to an already raging fire.

Alot of the mind movies eased up when I took back my bedroom. When I made MY needs well known and demanded he pay attention to me. I wanted the sex life we had before back. We used to be so adventurous, included toys, visits to the sex shop, sex in many places. It all became vanilla after the affairs. And I haven't been happy with just laying back to be fucked.

Trust me it takes time. And work from both people. And alot of communication. That one we totally suck at so it's a challenge to speak my mind without him thinking I'm just a bitch lol.

Do you talk with her about how you feel?

DragnHeart...yes. I read every book on affairs but she has refused to. I dug out all my proof and gave it to her and she refused to look at it all the while telling me I was exaggerating or misinterpreting her words to him. “I love you” to him, “we messed but we didn’t miss” and “Sex kills brain cells, wanna get stupid together again,” are pretty hard to misunderstand. It’s been one denial after another till our MC told her she had to tell me the truth. It’s been years of rug sweeping, and gas lighting to protect whom ...ME? I think not. Him and her, absolutely. She still hasn’t ever admitted that he played her like a fiddle and when it threatened his career and marriage, turned away and ghosted her. I love her but I’m not willing to live out the rest of my life as her backup plan to him.

It’s been years of rug sweeping, and gas lighting to protect whom ...ME? I think not. Him and her, absolutely. She still hasn’t ever admitted that he played her like a fiddle and when it threatened his career and marriage, turned away and ghosted her.

You are not wrong about who she is trying to protect, but I would go a little bit further and say that between her and her AP, she is trying to protect her self-image more.

She cannot reconcile in her head that he did not love her, as it was very 'real' to her. She cannot believe that she could be so stupid. She cannot get over the fact that she meant nothing to him.

All this is ultimately about her.

I love her

Change that to 'I love the woman she was when we got married'. She is no longer that woman, and she has not been since she had her A. The person you are married to now, is just a mask on the body of a person you thought you loved.

Until she can break that mask, you will hang in limbo due to her denials.

Well...you could put it into graphic terms...

“Well, consider the next time you are giving me a blow job that you know what’s in your mouth has been inside some other woman and that I did that to you repeatedly without you knowing it, how do you think that would impact your sex drive or feeling in the mood?”

For the others on the same post but gender reversed ask them how they would feel giving you oral sex know I’m they were licking where another man came. How long would it take them to get over that and forgive you and be able to enjoy trusting sex life with you? Spell that shit out.

Let’s stop bullshitting and calling it ‘mistakes’ and other crap. I had my husbands dirty junk in my mouth repeatedly that he knew the entire time had been inside my “friend” and frankly I think that was part of the sick high. To me, WORSE THAN RAPE (and yes, Based on my experience I’m able to reference both). At least with the rapist I knew it.

To have that kind of bodily intimate betrayal by your closest relative who you love and trust? Whole other level!!!

Maybe explain it like that because frankly if she (or he) doesn’t get it then THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND THE HARM SHE HAS DONE and the doNt have the ability to truly feel remorse, shame and guilt.

Just my 1.5 cents

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 2:18 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]