SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why don't you just contact OBS directly instead of a friend ? go a head and tell her TODAY.

I think you made a good effort, but unfortunately the friends might decide to not get involved and this poor woman is still left in the dark.

My bff was informed about her husband's affair through an anonymous letter. In the letter was an email address for further information, I'm sure it wasn't the betrayed husband's real email address, one he created to get the information to her. She did contact the BS, and she was given all the information she needed...who, when, how.

I know you are struggling with this, but I think you need to go one step further and make direct contact with the wife.

BTW, how do you know who her best friend is?

My opinion, time to reach out directly. As far as you know, you may have contacted the wife of AP's best friend who squashed it. Something simple, "Hi, I'm the spouse of you husband's mistress, I'm open to communication if you need."

Interesting career choice

I'm glad you told the friend and I hope she does the right thing and let's her friend know.

How are you doing? The way your W(GF) has handled this makes me think that you are way better off with her gone.

I hope you feel comfortable posting again.

This is just cold. File this under “Hard lesson learned, never again.”

Thanks Freeme,

I am doing pretty well. I might be in some delusional state but overall I have been doing good.

The mornings are the hardest but once I am up I am out the door to the gym which gets me a little more settled.

I have a pattern, gym, shower, breakfast, journal about what's going on in my head. I go and read a few sites, this one an another which I can't name.

Sometimes my mind wanders and I think of her and him but I have been replacing those images with making food so that seems to be working.

I got rid of all her stuff so what is left in the house is mine. I am moving in a few weeks so the final memory will be gone as well.

Sometimes I go into her old room and imagine she is there and I talk to her about stuff, but mostly

I just talk to my dog when we take our evening walks. Crazy old guy i suppose.

I know it's better we are done, I think back of all the things she did that I didn't like and all the times I told her what I needed and all the times she didn't try and work on any of it.

I know I will be better off without her and I pray that things start turning my way in some stuff.

Maybe she had given up long ago and was just looking for somewhere to land.

She has not worked for five years and relied soley on me for support. So leaving me for a married millionaire probably made sense in her mind. Less sex, less commitment and an allowance to buy shit.

(I am assuming, I didn't dig deeper in the texts to see what the deal was but it might have been over email which I never saw.)

But overall the Highs are better and last longer and the lows aren't as bad as they used to be. I cried a few nights ago on a walk but it lasted about ten seconds and as soon as I thought of her it stopped so maybe I was done with her as well and she did us both a favor by leaving the way she did.

I sometimes fantasize about her trying to come back, that door is closed but I think about what I would say.

I don't know if its healthy or not but its honest.

Thanks again to the community. I am sorry I wasn't ready to listen but its been 21 days since she left and the wound is starting to scab, before it was just a raw, seeping hole.

What goes around comes around. She will reap the rewards of her bad actions, have no doubts. You are hurting, but you can also look in the mirror every morning and see a man who never cheated and who kept his promises.

When she looks in the mirror every day she will see a cheater: a person who betrayed her husband and sold herself out for money. It may not seem that way to her at first, but once the glitz and glitter wear off, that realization will come one day. One day her youth and looks will be gone and she will have nothing of substance left to fall back on. She will be just another sleazy gold-digging tramp with no values or conscience.

I emailed the ap's wife. No response as of yet.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 4:01 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Why did you email your WW? What is your objective in breaking no contact with her? Do you miss her? Want her back? What kind of response are you hoping for?

Sending strength and support.

I may have misunderstood. Did you email the OW, and not your WW? If so, sorry.

Pass this,

sorry i missed your comment. I emailed the apwife's on monday. I haven't heard back from her as of yet so no clue.

I am strict no contact.

I told her years ago about cheating and lying, that if I find out that she cheated it would be over and I would be done with her.

I don't talk to exe's and she was of the same mind if I cheated on her.

Guess it was all part of the illusion that she wanted to maintain.

I told her years ago about cheating and lying, that if I find out that she cheated it would be over and I would be done with her.

I don't talk to exe's and she was of the same mind if I cheated on her.

She may well have agreed with you that if YOU cheated, she would be done with YOU. She may not have believed you that you would actually be done with her, or she just does not care. Really looks like she just does not care.

Either way she is the one with the tainted character. You are the one who has retained your dignity and who deserves respect and not betrayal.

Sending strength and support.

Any feedback from the OBS?

Not to the email. I called her office twice today left a message, no call back, so I called again towards the end of the day.

It sounds like you are in a much better place than a few weeks ago. Your doing what you need to do to heal. I think we all do that "if they come back...I'll say..." thing. I doubt her Married OM plans to support her indefinitely and she is going to have a hard time finding new men that will... she might be back.

As far as contacting the OBS you've done all you can do. Since the OM might have been given a heads up from his "friend" and this doesn't seem like his first affair... He could have painted you as this crazy ex employee. Prepared his wife that she needs to avoid all contact with Mr. sorryforeverythi if he calls... that you are someone seeking revenge against him for a deal that fell through by messing with him and his family. It's happened on this site before.

You've told her the truth and given her a way to contact you. That's all you can do. She would probably rather believe her husband. She will contact you when she starts to question his words and actions.

I'd really like your ExPartner to get thrown under the bus for doing this to you (you supported her for 5 years!), the OBS and her kids but you can only do so much.

Good luck

Thanks Freeme,

I don't know. Yesterday was a very dark day for me.

I didn't get the job that I had been praying I would get. That led me to a very dark night last night.

I fell off my diet, not horribly bad, I didn't drink or get shit faced I went to the store and bought some banana pudding, nilla wafers and a box of chocolate macadamia nut cookies.

I know this a stupid, falling off the wagon story, but I have been keto/paleo since she left and feeling much better about myself.

I gorged all night and laid in bed stewing about her and her new guy. The influx of carbs made me feel worse in my body and that just compounded the whole issue.

I cried for the first time since all this happened and maybe that is what I should have done at the start, but the tears never came.

I did force myself to cry but it was triggered by watching endless sad movies until I couldn't stand it anymore.

I know not getting the job hit all the same triggers that my bruised ego was healing from with her, the betrayal, lying and abandonment.

I feel ugly, I feel old and I feel pathetic.

I am currently sitting on my couch writing and trying to make sense of it. I am idolizing our relationship and looking at all the things that I did wrong. How I could have tried more, been a better partner, focused more on her.

I know the affair wasn't my fault but the relationship was, I am not being objective but I feel that if I was willing to lose myself and make it solely about her it would of maybe lasted a year or two longer but I would eventually been right here.

I know I dodged a bullet, I know that I will be better off in the long run but the long run is so far away from where I am right now that I can't see it.

I just really miss her right now, and I know its stupid to miss the toxic woman that she was, but it's where I am right now.

I feel like I am not being helpful here and just sit on my couch all day sitting in silence thinking of it all.

I force myself to go out and do stuff but I always end up back here in my empty house, reading about how shitty it is for mistresses, how the married men lie and never leave, how affairs aren't the BS's fault.

Then I get up and see what I am in the mirror and see a sad, old man that is alone.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 6:13 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

sorryforeverything! I guarantee you have a history of being hard on yourself even before all this pile of crap was dumped onto you. I know, because I recognize your self talk! IT’S OKAY. And you’re going to be OKAY if you keep tending to you.

And you know what?! Carbs are gonna happen! Being healthy is not about doing the very most right thing, every single time. It’s about balance and perspective and processing. Sometimes the vanilla wafer banana pudding cryfests help us get emotions out and then remind us the next day of our goals and that we don’t want to feel that shitty anymore.

Think of this way. Exercising our bodies to improve our outward appearance means actually physically moving our body parts for a sustained about of time, over the course of many months. As we all know, it takes time to see real results. Self-love is a MENTAL exercise. It’s not JUST about sticking to keto or always staying on a diet and exercise schedule. It’s about practicing on a daily basis a regimen of gratitude for what we have, focusing on our strengths, checking in with ourselves about what we have to give that day, giving ourself grace on the days we feel angry-feel miserable-ugly whatever and UNDERSTANDING and accepting that feeling grief and allowing it is NEEDFUL Just doing our best everyday to live an authentic and peaceful life. Then the changes in how you feel about yourself will come! Over time you will only do what’s best for you (including more exercise one week than cookies or maybe you have a prolonged few days of madness - it varies)

You are in a particularly painful spot in your journey. When I’ve been where you are it was helpful when my therapist remainder me - Feelings are not facts. And - Feelings are not final. You will get through a better person if you do the mental exercises along with that physical. We are rooting for you. Be good to you today.

Sorryforeverything are you talking to anyone? A priest, counselor or just a trusted mentor about what you are going through? I talk to my priest a lot and that helps. It helps to know that there is someone out there who empathizes with my situation.

And don't feel bad about the relapse. Get back up on the horse and keep trying. When life knocks you down you have to get back up. You keep getting up every time life knocks you down. Because in the end the world doesn't care about who gets run over, so you have to say "F...You!" to the world and keep going forward.

Westway,

I talk to my friends, one is a counselor for a college, have known him for years and then my best friend as well. I talk to my mom and than a family friend as well.

I did two years of therapy after my first divorce so I know the steps and have been reading lots. I know it's just time and taking care of myself.

I am currently working on accepting that the relationship is over and that seems to be helping.

I am moving day after tomorrow to a new state, so no more daily memories will be triggers for me.

I doubt she will ever reach out to me and after talking to a few here I know that the fantasy of what I would say to her if she did reach out is just as toxic I am working on not thinking about if and when she reaches out.

I know she is going to have to face what she did and I am pretty certain her new lover will dump her in time, be it a month, three months, six months or six years from now and I know the choice to be a mistress is going to cause her all sorts of long term damage, but I accept the relationship is over and am moving on.

This site has helped me, not only with the advice I get but the advice I give.

It's easier to tell someone what they should do then doing it but most of the time the advice I give helps me move forward.