SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Perhaps God sent you here to get the messages you're receiving from this community.

I regret not being the one to talk with the OBS.

If you know and choose to remain silent, that's your choice. But the OBS is a person in need of help and you're turning a blind eye hoping someone else will do it. Who even know if she'll ever find out.

Remember, it's not for you. It's not for revenge. It's just helping someone else that may be in the dark. Imagine where you might be if your ex had started cheating 6 years ago and you knew then. Where would you be now? Besides, the OM won't actually leave his wife, but if he found a way to, would that he fair to the OBS?

As for your feelings, I get it. I still have them too. But they also don't really matter. She made her choice and you made yours You'll heal as long as you're willing too. You don't need to vilify her, but you should recognize that she's already demonstrated very clearly she's not someone worth committing your life to.

I guess since this support community is called survining infidelity I had slightly different expectations. Not one person that has replied to me as said that they told the other person and how it went. Questioning my god, that's nice.

Support is often telling you what you don’t want to hear. You clearly don’t want to hear this. Were you expecting a gang of yes men (and women)? Nobody is here to validate you, if they think you are doing something wrong. If you don’t wish to benefit from the shared experience of the people on SI, don’t. Just consider, though... why is there almost unambiguous consent on informing a wronged spouse? Because experience has taught us this fact.

I would put it to you that you haven’t looked very hard at all if you think people don’t tell the TOS frequently. Many threads feature anecdotes of informing spouses. It’s not fun, at all, but it is an ethical necessity.

Before you express too much outrage about your commitment to God, keep in mind you’re waffling about your reasons. Before it was about fear of an open relationship, then you didn’t want to get involved. Now it’s God, or karma. It’s about fear, alright.

But hey man you do you, nkay?

The man is 3 weeks out from dday. He is in incredible pain. He is traumatized. He's still in shock.

He has taken my suggestion, and posted on the general forum. That tells me he isn't really sure if he should tell the OBS, despite what he posted here. It tells me he is open to considering it.

Beating him up isn't helping anyone. It's not helping him, or the OBS.

It might take him a few days, or a few weeks, to come around. Let's give him the benefit of our collective wisdom, and give him the chance to see why we are telling him to tell the OBS.

I am ALWAYS going to advocate for disclosure. But let's give him a minute to catch his breathe,before we throw stones.

OP, the weekends can be slow here. You will get more responses on your other thread in the next few days.

Thank you Hellfire. A good reminder. He will hopefully read and consider when he is stronger.

I feel the other man's wife deserves to know. Not telling her is selfish. And it also doesn't help the original poster's condition.

No relationship started by an affair deserves to exist. The original poster is allowing it to.

This is sad but I have to ask the question of what the poster here wants from this board ? Especially if he ignores it's advice.

Well obviously i was looking for understanding and compassion. Looks like this isn't the place for that, since I am three weeks in I guess I should be further along. I will go find a new place to look for support.

Later.

I am sorry you feel unsupported. The circumstances in which you came are unfortunate but many many of us know and understand your pain. I am sorry for your pain. It is most likely one of the hardest things you will have to survive. But you will survive.

I think if you stick around you will find the people here can help. I'm telling you, they know stuff here.

Peace to you on your journey.

Well obviously i was looking for understanding and compassion.

Sometimes telling a person to un-fuck themselves is the most compassionate thing we can do.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 4:06 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

Well obviously i was looking for understanding and compassion.

And you received both from everyone here. I think what you really wanted was for people to agree with you, Even when we thought what you were doing was the wrong way to go. If so I am sorry to say you are wasting your time here. I am sure you can find a place where people will agree with everything you want to do. But this is not the place for that, People here tell you the truth based on their own experience. We are not a bunch of yes men and women. In any case, Good luck to you....

Ooooh boy. Jordan Peterson?? Queen or Whore???? You need something other than this black/white version of half the human race, man!!! What a crock. And you’re AFRAID to make a call. No real MAN would duck this responsibility. No real woman should take a second look at a naive angry boy like you.

Wow. I know, no matter who this Peterson guy is, I'd certainly avoid taking advice from you. You're completely unable to govern your passions and jumped right into hatred and personal attacks.

He's probably a political figure, given your complete lack of control.

sorryforeverythi: Tell the OBS. It's the right thing to do. Make the uncomfortable sacrifice because it is upright and just. More often than not, I've found that sacrificing for others is a net positive for oneself.

[This message edited by Fife at 6:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

Not one person that has replied to me as said that they told the other person and how it went.

I didn’t tell the OBS right away when I should have. I regret waiting every single day.

You will read multiple threads here from betrayed husbands who told the OBS. I’ve never read a single one who regretted taking this basic step.

It immediately blows up the fantasy of the affair. Typically the OM drops the WW like a hot rock, and then the WW is in a state of panic — having lost both plan A and plan B in one fell swoop. It’s a very good first step among a series of steps that helps a betrayed husband no matter what he may end up deciding to do.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:50 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

SFE: I saw you have decided to look elsewhere for compassion and support. I write this in case you do come back and check for new comments.

First, I am sorry you have been put into this crappy situation, but I’m glad you found us. I was married for 29 years when I found out my WW had been cheating for 28 of those years. Like you, I felt (and still do feel) used, abused, embarrassed, and as if I was treated like crap from the one person on this planet who is supposed to have my back. I truly feel your pain.

I have been off line for a while so I am sad I didn’t get to comment on your situation. You said:

Not one person that has replied to me as said that they told the other person and how it went.

I was unsure about telling the OBS of my WW’s favorite AP. Folks here told me, like they are saying to you, to tell her. I did. I initially told her about the affair and made myself available for any documentation or proof of the A. She asked me to send what I had. In the end, after several emails back and forth, we developed a partnership to be aware of any signs the A was re-kindling. She was able to provide me details, and I returned the favor. Though I cannot say I have gained a friend, necessarily, but I have gained an ally.

I cannot guarantee how hour WW’s AP’s spouse will respond. That is totally up to her. However, I can tell you that she said she knew something was wrong in her marriage. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but knew in her gut something was off. She saw an email from my wife to him at one time, but he quickly gaslighted her. When she confronted him after I exposed the A, he broke down and confessed the whole thing. They are now both in counseling and are working hard to save their M. She said she is now happier than ever before in their relationship because that underlying current has been exposed and eradicated.

Can I assure you the same result will happen to you? No, but how other people react to the truth is up to them.

I was about a year out from my D-day before I was ready to contact the AP. For the first year, I was spinning in my mind trying to figure out what in the heck was going on. I was a complete mess and in no shape to tell her. I had all the proof printed off (so even if my WW deleted everything, I still had copies) and in a safe place. Because of the circumstances, I knew I had plenty of time to contact her. In your situation, however, it seems the two star-crossed lovers about to pack suitcases and head on out of Dodge. I sense a little urgency there, but everything is all up to you – whether to tell or not, and when if you decide to do so. You mentioned God, so let me mention that our Savior said the Law could all be summed up into one phrase: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” As the others here on SI have brought up, would you want someone to tell you your wife was cheating? If your answer is “Yes”, then you know what to do.

Do take care of yourself. I am right in there with you. I know it hurts like nothing else. Believe it or not, we all want you to live a healthy, happy life and we are trying to help you avoid the pain we have all endured, or at least as much as is possible.

I posted in my other forum under general. I ended up telling the APW's best friend.

I gave her all the information that I had, told her the story. She took notes, she said she would get back to me but I did feel a sudden relief when it was done.

I guess I did the right thing.

The friend wanted to talk to her husband about how to handle it, since they are both good friends with them and told me she would circle back to me.

That was three days ago. I don't know what has happened, if the APW has been told yet or not, but

I did it and will see what the fallout is if any.

SFE: I am so glad you did that! If you don’t hear from the friend in a day or two, follow up to see what happened and to make sure she went through with it. What you did was very hard, and the relief you felt was from doing something you knew you should do. You did the right thing! <<High Five>>

Good for you, I’ve been following this and you did the right thing. Be prepared for her to come back to you “In Love with you” study the 180 implement it.

Somewhere tonight there is a woman probably having sex with her husband, not knowing he just came from the bed of his mistress. Poor woman.

Don't bank on his wife finding out. Who knows what advice her husband will give her........my guess is..."Don't get involved".

Just move on if you wish and forget about it. His wife can deal with the situation herself, if she ever finds out. Some people just have it all and other's struggle to carve out a little piece of happiness for themselves. It has been like that forever.

Personally I like to go down fighting. I would tell on him. He is a shitty guy and you have an opportunity balance the books a little.

Tell the OBS directly. It's probably unlikely the message will get delivered to her. I hope it does but

Don't bank on his wife finding out. Who knows what advice her husband will give her........my guess is..."Don't get involved".

It is an act of compassion to another betrayed person. Humanitarianism.

SFE, if I understand correctly, your WW left to become a secret mistress of another man (the AP). The APs betrayed wife (the BOW) doesn't know about this. You reached out to a friend of the BOW and informed that friend?

It's a good step, but I agree with the others that it would be prudent to follow up with her to see what, if anything, is happening.

Do you know whether the AP and his wife have an open or polyamorous marriage?