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I (BS 37M) used recording device to confirm affair between WS (33F) and AP (23M), who were co-workers at a school. In these recordings overhead AP making inappropriate comments about teenage girls he was supposed to me mentioning.

I then set in motion a series of events to covertly get the AP fired with these recordings. Unfortunately she got tangled in it too, and both were terminated.

A few weeks later she found out it was me behind it and is livid. She sees what I did as worse than her cheating. Turned the tables, etc

Bottom line I want to save my family, but this is a huge obstacle. Has anyone come back from this and if so, how?

While I haven't personally experienced this, I do know that by and large most BSs whose WSs had a work-place affair have made finding a new job a condition of reconciliation. Similarly, most members here will advocate exposing an affair.

She sees what I did as worse than her cheating.

I don't think you'll find too many members who will agree with this. I certainly don't.

You did the right thing. You protected those girls from a predator. Too bad for her she made the choice to do this and protect a predator, instead of the children. You shouldn’t have to come back from this this is disgusting behavior on both of them.

She sees what I did as worse than her cheating. Turned the tables, etc

Good luck breaking through the fog in her head.

Isn't this attitude about the same as people who get pissed off when getting a speeding ticket - especially through a school zone?

OR?

It is not OK if you do it but it is OK if I do it.

I would let her stew for awhile. Either she eventually figures out bad things happen when people behave badly or - well - ask youself what have you really lost?

Forgot - did you mean "MENTORING?"

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 10:08 AM, January 31st (Friday)]

Wtf - Friend.... this is typical wayward thinking and behavior.

Of course she is mad at you, you ruined her adventure. If she is unwilling to own what she did, and that she earned that firing then there isn't much hope for R.

I would urge you to continue to go the path you have started. Get an attorney, find out your rights. This is not a remorseful person. This isn't someone who you can rebuild with. If she continues to be angry at you for this remember when you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.

I don't think she has a leg to stand on. Serve her D papers next.

A few weeks later she found out it was me behind it and is livid. She sees what I did as worse than her cheating.

Nope, its consequences for her actions.

You can’t save this only she could do that.

Right now she’s still in the wayward mindset. You have zero to work with.

You want to save this while she could care less. Losing situation.

You did the right thing.... I've got another additional concern. How did she respond to the comments POSAP made regarding the students & why did she get fired too?

Men aren't the only predators that exist in this world... if you've got children, you definitely need to look into/address this ASAP to protect them.

Tell her that you're sorry she feels her ability to cheat on you is more important than the truth. Implement the hard 180. Tell her you'll be meeting with divorce legal counsel but will be willing to listen if she ever decides to prioritize your marriage.

I have no issues whatsoever with what you did. None.

Your wife has been caught betraying you and is trying to deflect it by attacking you. Don't put up wit this or allow her to do it. Period.

If the two of you want to R, she will need to show true remorse and regret and do some heavy lifting- not blame you.

If the AP was married, you have an obligation to tell his wife. Aside from that, expose this situation on social medias.

he hope is that in short time she will begin to accept her role in all this and come around.

Let me get this straight. Her AP is not only a cheater but a pedophile and she is mad at you.

And if she knew about him being a pedophile and did nothing - that tells you more about her character than her cheating.

You did the right thing. The school did the right thing.

She should be crying about the potential loss of her family than her AP and job.

You absolutely did the right thing. The AP has no business around children. Your WW’s reaction is typical for a non-remorseful cheater. She is not a candidate for R as long as sh can’t face what she did head on. Its called consequences. Hold your head up and move on.

It sounds like her attitude is: All I/we did was have a little affair. You ruined two peoples' lives!

She doesn't get it.

First of all: You did the right thing, and do not EVER think you didn't. This is the natural consequence of her behavior. It's absurd to even THINK that your actions were "worse" than hers. Your actions simply pulled back the veil of darkness that shrouded her shitty behavior.

Next--I came back from something very similar. I went scorched earth after WW's 1st A and exposed the daylights out of it. If you asked her today, she'd still say she has a small bit of anger over the fact that I exposed it so harshly.

Here's the thing, and SI may not agree with me 100% here. She has a right to her feelings. IF she comes back to her senses, and IF she accepts 100% responsibility for the A, and IF she decides to put 100% effort into figuring out why she cheated with a man a decade younger than herself, AND you want to R, THEN you need to be ok accepting her anger. Is it her fault she got fired? 100% yes. Could you have chosen a milder way to expose her A and put an end to it? *possibly*

And that is the key. Possibly. If you want to R, there is a very good chance you'll have to be ok feeling some heat for your decision to expose in this way, WITHOUT accepting any responsibility for her firing. She got fired because she cheated with a coworker. However, could you have chosen just to confront her, see her reaction, then chart a course? Give her a warning you'd expose to her employer unless she came clean? Yeah, of course those were other options. They would have been less effective at stopping the A. But maybe given you more of a chance at R.

The thing is, the other posters are right--at this point she has no redeeming qualities as a WW. You need to 180 and see if the fantasy crumbles and there's a CHANCE she'll suddenly realize how horrible of a human being she is and try to change. Only then is she even worth considering R with. I know you want to save your family, but she's already destroyed it and doesn't recognize it was her that burned it down. You need to accept you may not be able to save your family. Let go of the outcome, and her actions as you distance yourself will tell if there is any chance of rebuilding a new M for your family atop the smoldering wreckage of the one your WW burned down.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 1:29 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Wtf, you have to consider her opinion on this.

You exposed a potential predator, a person who has an A at his place of work, and he lost his job. HE sold out your WW and wrapped her up in HIS mess. It exposes her AP's continued poor morals and selfishness.

Somehow, you are at fault for her losing her job? Is she angry that you didn't tell her you were exposing his misdeeds? Is she mad that she lost her job, and you are an easy target? Is she mad that her AP threw her under the bus and took her down with him?

Any of these three options (along with some others) show you that she doesn't think she deserves to have consequences for HER actions. Instead of recognizing that her poor decisions and choosing to break her code of conduct with her employer caused her issues, she wants to blame you.

This shows you that she really isn't R material. She needs to recognize that she is responsible for her actions and she is to blame for the outcome. She could have chosen not to have an A at her workplace with a co-worker. She could have chosen a lot of other options but she didn't.

Funny how actions have those pesky consequences.

BTW your WW also had an obligation to report the OM for his lecherous comments about young girls.

OM was in a position of trust and responsibility and is held to a higher standard of accountability as was WW.

Do not back off you did the right thing. Possibly contact the DA.

Both OM and WW should no longer work in grammar or high schools or the OM with young people.

First let me say this. . .

You did the right thing.

I do find it somewhat hypocritical for her to be cheating on you and saying that you putting the safety of those girls ahead of everything is worse than her cheating.

Of course cheating with a co-worker could just easily gotten he fired, couldn't it have ?

Just saying the results are the same no matter how you slice it.

Why does she say that it is worse than cheating ? You recording her ?

Look, most WS when confronted with evidence, talk about the "invasion of privacy." It is all about focusing the blame on anyone except where it belong on the person that made the choice to have an A in the first place. The fact that what he said did not raise alarm bells with her means that, no, she did not do the right thing. It is beyond disturbing that she ignored it. What if he did abuse of those people? Wouldn't she be guilty by knowing she may have been able to prevent it ? She needs to check her character it seems life there is a deficit there.

Integrity is doing the right thing even thought no one is looking. Was it the right thing to have a physical relationship with a younger co-worker ? To lie to you ? To turn a blind eye to a potential abuser ?

I have to ask you why do you want to stay M'd to her ? She doesn't seem to character or integrity that matches yours. Really, I am asking, why do you want this M to continue ?

The thing about familiar is that it is not the same as safe. It feels the same, but on closer inspection it is not.

Bottom line I want to save my family

Yes, but the way to approach this is to save the family without her. You so much as bend to her anger, you are essentially giving her a free pass and ALL THE LEVERAGE to dictate how things go forward.

Reminder her this -

*It was YOU that was party to the affair. You getting fired was a consequence of that, not me reporting it to HR.

*Oh and by the way, you a 37yr old mother and teacher, were having an affair with a likely child sex offendor. A CHILD SEX OFFENDOR. What the hell is wrong with YOU?!?! How do I know our own kids are safe around you?!?!

Then get an attorney and serve her digusting ass. You want the tables turned back in your favor? Then don't act like you need to preserve a marriage with a woman who copulates with a child sex offender and doesn't see anything wrong with it.