SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife informed me the morning after we had some of the best sex in a while that she was seeing someone else. I was devastated. I knew we were having issues like most couples. But I didn’t know things were that bad. They weren’t for me. She said she hasn’t been happy for the last 3 years and felt like she wasn’t really married. She sought out a previous lover before me as we have been married going on 11 years. She sought him out for a listening ear. Our communication I’ll admit want the greatest but it does take 2. When she told me my mind was all over the place. We did tit for tat for about a week and then finally sat down and talked. She said she wasn’t ready to leave the marriage however she still wanted to carry on with the other guy. She said she was willing to work on the marriage and rebuild our friendship and relationship and to give her a year with this other man. She offered to be in an open relationship which I do not agree with. My choice. But, I told her no to that. We had some touching moments and I just thought that that piece was behind us. However, I was informed that she was still seeing him, wasn’t going to stop but still wanted to with on the marriage. I told her there is no way to be fully committed to working on the marriage while he is around. We did one half of a counseling session because they did not book enough time. At the end she told the counselor that she was still seeing this man and I probably needed to talk about how to work thru that.

Right now she is being Suzy homemaker doing things she hasn’t done in years and is pulling at my ankles to get me to agree to this nonsense. I don’t understand why she won’t leave the house and go be with this man. This is very confusing to me. The apparently is in a situation himself with children. But these are things that he should of thought about before trying to comfort another man’s wife. She is acting completely different in the last 3 Weeks then she has in years. We have talked and communicated like we haven’t in a long time and are actually enjoying each other’s company. It’s really nice but there is still that snake in the grass. She won’t tell me but I know she has some plans to see him for a few hours over the weekend. I’m just trying understand why she won’t leave and why she’s still in my face. She says she lives two men differently and that it’s intense. Of course it is. This man has never provided a roof over your head or anything like that. The only think he has is you know what and conversation. That’s all he has to offer and been offering. I say go be with him. She doesn’t want to leave. How can a marriage even come close to reconciling with a third party involved?

[This message edited by rynoz at 12:51 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

I am glad you recognise the nonsense that your wife is currently peddling. Her suggestion of an open relationship is an attempt to remove the guilt she currently feels for her actions. Take advantage of that by exposing the affair to her parents and all family. If her affair partner has a family, expose the affair to his family. Let them know also about the offer of an open relationship.

Get tested for STIs, seek legal advice to protect yourself and refuse to engage with your wife about this situation. Implement the 180 which is in the library.

RYNOZ,

She is not leaving you because she is getting what she wants and you are giving it to her. A big fat cake with the words Happy Open Marriage in red lettering across it.

She wants an open marriage, told you she wants it, you said no but in reality you said yes. How have you said yes, simple, you are doing nothing to stop it. This house keeping and fantastic sex (bet you're doing things you've never done before or haven't done in awhile) is called Love Bombing. It's to keep you happy and in a state of acceptance.

You have to decide right now what you want or she will decide for you, and what she is deciding is the open relationship. If you are OK with this then by all means continue status quo but please keep getting yourself checked for STD's periodically.

If you do not want this then you need to take action. Start the 180 in full and stop having sex with her. Tell her she has to move out. Contact a lawyer, setup a consult file and have her served. Separate your money and have your income deposited into a separate account. Do you have kids? If so how old? You have NO idea how long this has been going on, it could have been years and with multiple AP's.

IMO, if a spouse says they want an open relationship, they have been with the AP for some time and it's going to be intensely hard to ever feel anything for them after that. There will be others coming along that will offer more resounding advice, so hold on....

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 1:34 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

Help her leave by filing for divorce with exclusive use of the home.

That action isn't about you forcing her out or quitting the OM but you refusing to eat her shit sandwich she is trying to force feed you.

Seriously, file and have her served. She will sing a VERY different tune and act VERY differently from that moment forward.

There is no rationalizing her level of crazy at this point. She is acting purely out of selfishness. Remove yourself as a choice in that ridiculous three way love triangle and you will see results. There is no fixing anything while she is drunk on the concept of an open relationship.

When she drops the OM then begs you for another chance then that is when you have leverage and control of the situation. That is when you can determine if there is anything worth saving or not.

But for now the thing that is missing in your situation is her feeling consequences for her cheating. That is why she thinks and feels so bold to do what she is doing now which is flaunting her cheating in your face and getting a counselor to help you accept that. She thinks she's prize in that love triangle. Serve her divorce papers and make her realize it is YOU that is the gold.

rynoz,

She said she hasn’t been happy for the last 3 years and felt like she wasn’t really married.

When you were dating did she have another man on the side? I ask this because she really wasn't married then.

I’m just trying understand why she won’t leave and why she’s still in my face

Here is your answer

This man has never provided a roof over your head or anything like that

You are her safe bet.

How can a marriage even come close to reconciling with a third party involved

As you have asked this question I assume you cannot/will not R if the OM is involved.

Be careful. Should she decide to drop the OM and want to come back to you the OM may still be involved in your mind for a long time.

She doesn’t want to leave

She has been doing what she has wanted. What do you want?

Sorry my man. Your wife is quite content with the status quo at the moment cause she has faced zero consequences from her betrayal. She is a cake eater

You need a plan like now. She is fucking another man & told you straight up she will not stop. Asked for a open marriage you said no. She is going to have sex with him again this weekend. You tell her to go be with him. She said she doesn't want to leave her M or the security blanket that is you.

Don't know all the particulars if your WW works or if she is a SAHM. If you continue with the way things are then you are a cuckold. If you do not want to be a cuckold then you have no option then to serve her with D papers. If it is your cell plan cut her phone off, move her out of the master bedroom, 180 her ass like now.

Quit being nice to her & do not keep having sex with your WW as who knows what STD germs her FB has accumulated over the years. Get tested for STD's. Sloppy seconds anyone. Expose to absolutely everyone, family, friends. The woman has betrayed you in the worst way imaginable and you are beaming about how you really are enjoying her company??? How your communicating much better except for the elephant in the room. Seriously dude you seem to be very laid back with the: "Go be with him"-"No I don't want to leave" "OK ill just sit around & wait till you get tired of fucking your old BF then we can start R".

In your case R is not even possible as it stands.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 1:13 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

She wants her cake and to eat it too.

You have a third person in your marriage. She told you she wanted an open relationship, you said no. She has continued her other relationship.

The only response you should have at this time is to tell her that you are divorcing. Otherwise she is going to continue to have a relationship with the other person. Sometimes, you have to be prepared to lose the relationship to save it. In this instance, you don't have a relationship. You are providing her with a roof over her head, food on her table and funding her fun with the OM. If she wanted to truly work on the marriage she would have stopped contact with OM.

You deserve so much better than this.

Yes she does want to have her cake and eat it too. I have told her multiple times that I’m not with this situation however, she leads me to believe that things are cutoff. But when I ask directly she tells me no. I have filled out the papers. I have even emailed her a copy of the paperwork, which she said asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do this. I told her she seemed sure but she said she wasn’t. This is what lead me to believe there may be a shot at reconciliation. At this point I’m waiting to get the funds together to file which would be next week. I was going to lay the papers out for her this weekend and ask her to just sign them or just be served with them. But I have no intention on carrying on in this manner. I have not co signed on this. Yes, I will start the 180. And get the papers filled.

Sorry, but get off the Hopium!!!

There is ZERO chance at reconciliation.

But also, do you really want to reconcile with a woman who would do this to you? Don’t you deserve better?

rynoz

But when I ask directly she tells me no

I told her she seemed sure but she said she wasn’t. This is what lead me to believe there may be a shot at reconciliation

There is a 100% chance that R can happen in this marriage.

All you have to do is agree to her request of an open marriage or agree that she can have the OM and you will be waiting at home for her.

I forget whose thread it was but I remember reading about another couple in a similar situation. The WW had a BF and suggested that they should have an open marriage. As soon as the BH started going out with OW the WW wanted to close the marriage. Not for her, just him. She didn't like her husband seeing OW.

So sorry u r here.

I think you know what is needed. Take back your self respect and start controlling the situation. Do not play pick me. Hard 180. Divorce papers served. Money separated. Start the clock to the end of this farce. She does not love you nor respect you. Good luck

We had some touching moments and I just thought that that piece was behind us. However, I was informed that she was still seeing him, wasn’t going to stop but still wanted to with on the marriage.

Stop seeing what you want to see and start seeing it as it is.

She’s was unhappy is a marital rewrite to justify her affair. Nothing new here.

What you don’t get is your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special about her at all.

Right now you are taking zero action to get out of this infidelity so you’ll remain in limbo. Talk = nothing, only actions will count.

If her other man is married I would inform his wife immediately. If you help hide this affair you’ll only enable it further if that’s possible.

Everyone is right. She’s just a cake eater and currently you are continuing to feed her. Why?

Sorry Rynoz, Your WW is invoking some very typical cheater behavior. So very typical that we have some well used buzz words here to quickly describe her tactics:

Cake Eater: Waywards often do this when they have one foot in two different relationships. She is getting something she "needs" from each of you. Usually security, shelter, subsistence, domestic comforts and access to offspring from the betrayed and, sex, thrills, adventure, endorphins, and an escape route with the OM.

Cake Eaters often push for open marriages. It's a way to get you to buy-off on or, even participate in, their bad behavior.

Her willingness to share you with another woman is a bad sign. Most partners-even wayward partners, who still have love for their spouses can not fathom the thought of them laying with another.

Door Mat: Cake Eating Waywards use you as such to maintain both relationships and realities.

These behaviors will soon be followed by:

Blame Shifting: She will find a way to justify her transgressions at your expense. She will attempt to blame YOU for her actions. This will result in her suffering no consequences for actions as you except responsibility for her "unmet needs". She may even be rewarded by her actions when you try and...

Nice Her Back: This happens when the betrayed spouse attempts to compensate for these "unmet needs" and perceived culpability in the affair. BS's may even compete against the OM for her fidelity. The BS will beg, cry, grovel, and even spoil their cheating spouse to win them back.

The WS, of course, enjoys all this as it totally enables them to carry on. This all comes at a great cost to the BS as they except this indignity and very unattractively cuckold themselves before the WS. It is usually perceived as repugnant to the WS. Actually has the opposite effect to winning them back. It's usually the kill-shot to any remaining respect the WS may still have for the BS. It compromises, exposes, emasculates and subjugates the BS. Very unattractive.

So, protect your dignity. Protect your rights. Protect yourself. Respect yourself. Love thy self. Don't tolerate disrespect.

This is very attractive.

This is called "The 180".

SO,

-Get a lawyer

-Have her served with reality biting D papers

-Be cool

-Be decisive

-Employ The 180

-Protect yourself

-Protect family, property and finances

-Enforce strong marital boundaries and rights

-Don't except blame shifting

-Blow the lid off this shit, inform other BS

If she still loves you, she will come around and, have to Win You Back.

rynoz: I am so sorry you have been put into this crappy situation, but I’m glad you found us.

and to give her a year with this other man

She offered to be in an open relationship

I know she has some plans to see him for a few hours over the weekend.

she told the counselor that she was still seeing this man and I probably needed to talk about how to work thru that

Basically, she is telling you she doesn’t care about your needs, desires, or her commitment to you. She only cares about herself, and if you can’t deal with that, it’s not her problem. Is that love? No, that’s selfishness.

So, she has plans to be with her bf this weekend, eh? Sounds to me like the perfect opportunity to move her crap into another bedroom or into the living room where she can sleep on the couch. It might add an extra touch if she finds her underwear all over the front lawn. Women do it to men all the time, so tit-for-tat! Have a new keyed door knob ready and switch it for the one on your bedroom door. If she wants to sleep with another man, then she’s not sleeping with you!

Listen to these other people: Get checked for STD’s/STI’s; Implement the 180; Seek legal advice; Notify the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse); Get into IC (Individual Counseling). Normally, I am hesitant to advise the BS to notify everybody on God’s Green Earth about the A; this time, however, your WW is so arrogant and self-righteous that I would tell everyone she knows, starting with her family. The story you posted here on SI is what I would copy and paste onto FB and publish it. This is not to get even. This is an attempt to get her to wake up to what she’s doing. If she wants to screw another guy, then D you and do what she wants. But since she promised you she would be faithful and has willingly, arrogantly violated that promise, something insider her is seriously wrong. She needs a 2x4 smack on the noggin’, and maybe making her actions public will do that.

This is totally unfair to you and we all feel the deep pain you are swimming in right now. We have been there. We will help you as much as we can, so post often and keep us up to date. Just remember that here, you are not alone.

The apparently is in a situation himself with children.

Is the OM married?

I don’t think he is married but he does have a family.

I'm not sure why you're giving your WW any say in where she lives or what she does. She obviously needs to be told. Move forward quickly with divorce papers and stop talking to her. She left the marriage already and has chosen the other man over you. There's no way forward with her. She's shown and told you what her choice is. Believe her and move on with your life. Don't allow anyone to disrespect you or make you feel inadequate. Don't allow anyone to negatively affect your happiness. Remove those type of people from your life, especially those who betray you to your face and act as though it's your job to accept their behavior. This life is about you and how you want to live it. Choose to live a life free from drama and free from bad people. Take your life back quickly while you have the momentum. Realize that your WW is doing you a favor and never, ever, allow her back into your life. There are many women out there. Pick one that's got a little moral fiber in there conscience. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Yes she does want to have her cake and eat it too. I have told her multiple times that I’m not with this situation however, she leads me to believe that things are cutoff. But when I ask directly she tells me no.

Every minute...every hour...every day that you allow this to continue, you clearly communicate to her via action that you are okay with this situation.

Don't tell her what you will do.

Show her what you will do.

I am really sorry that you are in this situation.

Consult a few (usually three) lawyers to find one that is suitable to represent you. Have the lawyers serve her with divorce/separation papers asap. The divorce process takes a long time. If she should redeem herself somehow, the process can be suspended or halted.

While waiting for her being served, open a separate bank account for you and have all your deposits directed to the new account. Withdraw 50% of all other bank accounts (unless they are specifically assets of your wife) and transfer the funds to the new account. At the time she is served, cancel all of her credit cards. Tell her to use a debit card which is attached to her checking account. Do not support her while she is unfaithful. She should not be able to finance her affair with marital assets. Your assets should be used for yourself, your children and their needs. If she has assets, discuss with her how you will allocate household and general expenses.

Implement the 180 process. The 180 is counter-intuitive, but it has been proven to be the best strategy, whether your objective is reconciliation or divorce. She needs to decide either him or you. If she decides him, then you have been "fired" as her husband. Since you have been fired, you should no longer provide any support to her, no favors, no errands, no nothing. Your focus should be on you and your children. Only have contact with her with respect to the childrens' needs.

You need to distance yourself from her so that you can prepare for her to move out. Tell her to go to the OM. She will see that you will not tolerate this blatant disrespect. Do not demand anything from her; demands foster resentment and are counter-productive.

Do not fall into the trap of the "pick me" dance. You can not compete with the fantasy and new relationship excitement associated with an AP. If you try, you will only make yourself look weak. By entering into an affair she has forfeited your emotional support. Until she drops the emotional and physical relationship with the OM, you should not provide any support to her at all.

If she picks you, she should go totally No Contact with the OM. Sorry, but your kids can not be friends. She can not have an affair and still be your wife. She needs to choose.

Obviously, no sex with her. Get tested for STDs. No telling where he has been. Move her out of your bedroom. She cheated, she should leave the marital bed.

Disclose her affair to your family and her family, and to your friends. Affairs thrive in the darkness of secrecy. If you have been "fired" as her husband, you no longer owe her any confidentiality. You do not need to consult with her before you take any actions. She didn't consult with you before she began her affair.

Go buy a voice activated recorder and carry it with you at all times. You must protect yourself from false charges of domestic violence or abuse. You might think she would never file false charges, but you never thought she would cheat either.

Other posters will fill in what I may have missed.

Do not cry in front of her, do not show her your emotions. She is not there to comfort you when she is having an affair with OM. The goal is to show "indifference". She is not the woman who you loved, she is now someone you do not even know, else how could she be betraying you.

Before you allow her back into your life, you must be satisfied that she is remorseful for her betrayal and she has fixed what has been broken in herself that allows her to enter into an affair. You may have a participation in any problems that existed in the marriage, but she is 100% responsible for her decision to enter into an affair and to betray the marriage, you and her children.

You must display strength and dignity. But you do not need to be polite or agreeable. You are not a doormat. You should not be disrespected.

Do NOT agree to marriage counseling. The marriage does not have a problem. She does. You did not cheat and you were in the same marriage. Marriage counselors job is to save the marriage. They will do that by getting the BS to compromise and to "forgive and forget". You should do neither until she fixes herself through individual counseling. Perhaps you should have IC as well to help you through this sh*tshow.

Spend time with your children as much as possible. Do not include her. At this time, she is not worthy.

Just for laughs, ask her if "open marriage" applies to you as well. Ask her if you are free to date and have sex with other women. It might be interesting to gauge her reaction.

[This message edited by PassThis at 10:13 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

I don’t think he is married but he does have a family.

Right now you’re in shock. Go it but affairs for the most part only work in secrecy and the dark.

Your best method of ending it is exposure. No warning to anyone just do it. Family, friends, etc all at once.

This is on her not you. Nothing for you to be embarrassed about.

Doing nothing is your worst option