SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think the best move would be to plan to elsewhere and not reachable for a couple of days once she is served.

She needs time for the reality to settle in and do some hard thinking about where her life is really headed right now.

You engaging her is going to help her keep the self deception going.

Look, at this point she is lying to herself as much as she is lying to you. You need the D papers being served as a snap back to reality.

Once she calms down (and she will) you will have an enormous advantage it whatever you decided.

Go dark, don't answer your phone. Turn off your location. Literally disappear for a few days.

When she tells OM that you filed for a D, he will get bored and drop her. OM doesn't want to meet any of the needs that you have been meeting for her.

She had two men providing an endless supply of validation. Now she will realize she has none. She needs to hit rock bottom before there is any chance of her seeking the positive help she needs to get her life back on track.

Your M might not survive, but at least she will find remorse and maybe even apologize to you.

Please also keep in mind that everything she will do until she hits rock bottom will be manipulations to get you to take her back and sweep her hurtful choices under the rug.

She is headed for rock bottom already. You just need to get out of her way. You've got time. Loads of it. Keep all options (including a D) on the table.

You have the upper hand. At 50 she will not be able to find a better reliable partner than you. Hope all the BSs do what my friend did to OM who promised a lot and gave the boot after Dday. He showed up at a OM's extended family gathering and told everybody what a POS he is.

Is she getting served today?

No one take this the wrong way. I don't mean to offend anyone but how could you consider staying with someone who would do something like this to you? How cold you ever trust them again? How could you not think they will leave you again when something they think is better come along? Why would you even want to stay with someone who obviously doesn't love you like you love them? Just asking no judgement.....

Dblackstar normally when someone says no offense that’s just what they mean. Or when they say no judgement that’s just what they mean. Thanks for being constructive, non offensive and non judgmental.

Am I open to R? Right now I have mixed emotions. I probably would if she did complete and 100% participation. With counseling and stuff. Change phone numbers, no contact, and iTunes tracking her locations until some manner of trust but verify was done. I don’t know if she would agree to all of that once she’s blown up but if not.

Well, the first indicator of a possible R is her willingness to own her shit in full and accept the consequences AND not put any of the blame for her affair on you. So as long as you've known her has she ever owned her shit in full in past situations where she made bad choices or has she always found a way to shift all or part of the blame to others in order to escape full consequences?

If she did want to choose R her objective is to work to become a safe partner for you again on top of fixing her own broken self. It's very hard work. Do you know her to dig in and work hard to achieve anything? Even if the objective is not guaranteed?

You can always to choose D anyway and still reconcile later. Sure, it would cost money in court and attorneys fees but you would unbound from all marital obligations from the very person who has proven themselves to be unsafe for you. Should you both do decide to R after the D is finalized one of the safer decision you can make is to never marry her again and just maintain a relationship that either of you can just pack your shit and go at anytime. But if you do decide to marry her again you can make sure to make a prenup as a requirement.

There are so many scenarios to consider but the one scenario that can never be ignored is your own healing and detachment from your WW infidelity. Right now you are just seeing the trees in front of you, which hides that one path your should take. Keep detaching and put yourself above her bullshit so you can see the forest from the trees and your path forward becomes much more clear.

Without out a doubt all her decision and actions are about her self preservation. She'll use you like a person would use a stick to get dog shit off their shoe so keep being wary of her actions as they are telling you all you need to know.

Jduff. I have known her to own up to her shit in the past. I have known her to work for something with no guaranteed outcome. I have seen that in the old person that I used to know. She just seems so much more different to the point where I question knowing her.

She just seems so much more different to the point where I question knowing her.

Cheaters are pod people while they're in their affair... and you don't know who's going to emerge from the pod until they're out of the pod.

You've done all the right things in order to have CHOICES. Your WW is going to understand, beyond any shadow of doubt, that you're completely willing to walk away rather than tolerate a cheating partner. If she wants to continue on in a relationship with you, she's going to have to meet your terms. So, it's important to start thinking about what those terms might be. Some people might put the divorce on hold and then start working on R, observing whether the WS is making true changes in order to correct their broken character. Some will follow through with the divorce with the intent to R as domestic partners rather than husband and wife. Some will decide that it was just more damage than they want to deal with, follow through with divorce, and then move on.

From what you've posted here, your WW is going to end up with her back to the wall, dumped by both husband and AP, and without a whole lot of resources. If that happens, it's going to be tough for you to determine whether any interest in R she shows is about you or about the financial stability she has when she's with you. It's not an impossible situation, but it is challenging. Your WW is a bit brazen. Most WW's don't try to keep their paramour after they're busted. But... it's not the worst case of infidelity we've ever seen either. It just means she's likely to be more hard-headed than most and your boundaries would have to be STRONG.

My advice is to keep doing what you're doing, and to start thinking about various scenarios and what you'd need for boundaries.

Strength to you.

ChamomileTea She is very brazen. I don’t even know if that’s the right word. But I believe her back is against the wall right now. AP isn’t going along with her modified plan or she would be gone I believe. The papers I believe will push her over the edge in one direction out the other. But it’s going to be AP’s time to shine when it drops and I don’t think he’s going to pick her up. Her telling me probably wasn’t part of the plan as she went off script. But will he step up? We’ll see. If she leaves great. That will make things and life much easier for me so I don’t have to see her face.

brazen

You misspelled craven

I have known her to own up to her shit in the past. I have known her to work for something with no guaranteed outcome. I have seen that in the old person that I used to know. She just seems so much more different to the point where I question knowing her.

Much clarity comes when you take a step back.

Many upfront just want them back but you need take your time and think about what you’d be getting back. That may not be apparent upfront.

Skadu You saying her actions are cowardly? I would have to agree with that.

Again, I did not mean to offend. I am aware that everyoes situation is differnt and it effects the choices they make. I Candt speak for others who have posted here, But i am over fifty so i tend to mean what i say. I was simply trying to get insight into why someone would want to stay after this.....

No she didn’t get served yesterday. She did receive mail from divorce attorneys that was intercepted. She should know one way or the other sometime today. Any other notices from attorneys won’t be intercepted. It has become hard to get restful sleep with her in the house. So I get up and leave at odd times and go for a drive. Send weird that I can fall asleep in the car but not in the bed.

No service again today. I really wanted it to hit before the weekend started. I’ve been let down. It’ll happen though. I’m tempted to make a copy of my copy and leave it on the table. I’m ready for her to know.

Well. I got tired of waiting for her to be served and served a copy on her this morning. I dropped it on her and walked out the house and blocked her number so she couldn’t spew any venom at me. I will go home later but will act like a robot as someone else suggested if she even bothers to come at me. I just couldn’t handle one more day of disrespect and wanted to burst her bubble.

Just beware. In case she changes her toon. Upfront they can get in a self protection mode. Which may not last. Which is why you take your time.

Words, talk mean very little in these circumstances. Only actions over a long period of time will count for much.

Good luck

[This message edited by Marz at 9:29 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

You may want to buy a VAR, voice activated recorder, before going home. If she did flip a lid. She may come at you then call.the police siting DV, domestic violence charge against you. Having a VAR will be your only defense against this when the police arrive.

You need to protect your self now. Treat your D as a business transaction. Keep your emotions out of things which can be difficult. Get what you need out of the D process.

^^^^^ great advice.

False domestic violence claims happen.

Beware

You may want to buy a VAR, voice activated recorder, before going home. If she did flip a lid. She may come at you then call.the police siting DV, domestic violence charge against you. Having a VAR will be your only defense against this when the police arrive.

You need to protect your self now. Treat your D as a business transaction. Keep your emotions out of things which can be difficult. Get what you need out of the D process.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This is very important you need to do this ASAP. You can get cheap ones at Best Buy, I believe. Amazon certainly has them, order it today and have it tomorrow.