SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ryan:

Things are super quiet over here. I’m a little surprised there wasn’t some fireworks. I really wasn’t prepared for this. But it’s only been since this morning so I’m sure it’s still processing. I don’t know but it’s weird.

Sounds like you dropped a serious bomb on her. I don't think she's entirely delusional because you did send her electronic papers via email which she was trying to deflect last week ("Are you sure you want to do this?"). She probably guessed this was coming eventually.

It's really important to do the bank work (separating finances, protecting retirement) immediately. Don't let her rob you blind. Yes, that can happen and she's not exactly in a convivial mood about being served. Given that she's not showing remorse and is more than willing to jump into a counter offer, she appears to be digging in for a long slog.

I agree that you should not be paying for insurance on a vehicle that the AP feels he can drive any time. Notify her immediately of this change. When she complains, and she will, say "I'm not feeling any obligation to make your adultery comfortable or easy at my own expense, sorry. I greatly desire for this separation to be amicable but I absolutely won't assume financial risk to support the man my soon to be ex wife cheated with, that's too much to ask."

But things did get shook up this morning. I really hope she just leaves. He tells her come on. I don’t care if he takes her on. Don’t think he will but I don’t care.

ON the plus side, she needs to move out. You don't want to throw her shit out in the street NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING THAT IS, until the property settlement. Is she on the deed anywhere? Then you can apply pressure if you are the sole owner. I did that, with much caterwauling and bitching from my ex, but it worked out-- I needed her out or I would stay the wreck she made me.

I really have to agree on the VAR suggestion. You're not in detective mode any more.. there's no need to. So now, you just need to protect yourself by recording each and every transaction you have with her. Save the recordings to the Apple cloud and make sure she doesn't have access to it.

Financials: what does she pay for every month and what do you pay for. Or do you pay for all of it? I would consider doing things like canceling the cable/wifi and starting it again in your name. You're not moving, she is. Then you can share or not share your wifi password as you see fit.

Again, you don't have to feel obliged to make adultery easy for her.

Frankly, I'd do the same thing with food. Start marking food you buy with a Sharpie. Inform her she is not welcome to share. It's the little things that convey the message.. GTFO!

Or to use my new favorite.. "pack your shit and bounce!"

Rynoz, just to reiterate.. it's will start to be a plodding match now. That doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. I don't sense an ounce of remorse or reconciliation in your WW, based on what you have revealed. Now you have to do the hard work of protecting yourself. You're doing great.

kingofnothing. She showed fake remorse while still continuing to do her dirt. This counter petition is going to cost money that I seriously doubt she has. Plus she is going to need to get her own car insurance. I refuse to be on the hook for that. But she isn’t leaving because she had no where to go and the accommodations are so nice at home. I do believe the wheels are finally starting to turn and maybe the reality of her bullshit is settling in. I wouldn’t know it because she is stone faced. I don’t look at her long enough to even tell it any of this is taking a toll on her.

Marz. I think this is one of those things where based on this situation I’ll deal with it from a judge. I have a picture of him driving her car. The liability is huge for me if something were to happen while he was driving. I’ll take the slap on the wrist if needed. I’m not canceling the policy. I’m giving her a chance to pick it up and pay and be responsible while she is out doing her stuff.

I understand but if the car is in your name you are liable. Keep the insurance until you are assured it can’t affect you financially.

Marz. The car is titled to her but I pay the insurance so if he’s driving she can be on the hook by herself.

You keep wanting her to wake up, get it, etc.

My sister was a wayward. She never woke up or got it. Even after her husband divorced her.

She still years later has the same mindset.

There’s this myth that they always come back. They don’t !!!!!

Let’s say she does. What are you getting back? Will it be permanent or temporary until she finds another? Repeated DDAys happen.

Go your own way.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:31 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Marz. The car is titled to her but I pay the insurance so if he’s driving she can be on the hook by herself.

I’d have the separation agreement in place. If not her debts and liability are yours too.

If you haven't, now is the time to go full exposure as well...FULL EXPOSURE.

Hold nothing back and pull no punches with family/friends.

Get the truth out before lies get there.

Well I advised her about the car insurance situation. I got more of a reaction from her about that than the divorce papers. I was really shocked. She still didn’t get to level 10 but I was truly shocked that that seemed to hurt her more than the divorce papers. One thing she said was hurt people hurt people. Does she not realize that this is a divorce?

There’s this myth that they always come back. They don’t !!!!!

Marz: absolutely right. I think there's a feeling that the wheel of "justice" will turn around and the evil ex will see the error of their ways and wail and bemoan getting their final comeuppance. Yeah, right. More often than not your former partner sails out your life, loudly proclaiming it was all your fault and sabotaging you to your mutual friends. Some people are just flawed. The best thing you hope for is indifference most times.

Sounds like she's being faced with the financial consequences of adultery (divorce). It's always surprising how little thought is given to the consequences for their behavior/decisions.

And it's typical for a wayward to blame you for the consequences of their decision to cheat.

This is all your fault !!!

You took the cake away from a cake eater.

Why you so mean ?

This counter petition is going to cost money that I seriously doubt she has. Plus she is going to need to get her own car insurance. I refuse to be on the hook for that. But she isn’t leaving because she had no where to go and the accommodations are so nice at home.

Under Florida law, can you pressure her out of the home, now that you have filed? If she can't leave, would you be justified in making her pay for Cable/network access, electricity and sewage?

Is her name on the house, too?

She still didn’t get to level 10 but I was truly shocked that that seemed to hurt her more than the divorce papers. One thing she said was hurt people hurt people. Does she not realize that this is a divorce?

I hope you mentioned you are not obligated to make her adultery easy and convenient for her adultery partner to drive a car on insurance you are paying for. You're 100% on top of it here, it's divorce, not fantasy time. Whom did she think would pay for all those lovely drives they are going to be taking?

While you are on that notion, she pays for her own fucking gas, does her own oil changes and fixes her own shit from now on. Just a suggestion.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 3:26 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Kingofnothing.

We understand that you no longer want to be living with your spouse; however, in general in the State of Florida, you cannot force your spouse to move out of the house. As long as both parties have been married and living in the home together, that is the residence of both parties.

So no I can’t force her out unfortunately. Her name is on the house. I couldn’t avoid that in Florida. But yes it is divorce. Separating things happen. It’s not petty like she says. She believes she can ride out with no marks on her and leave me scarred. Not going to happen that way. We both are going to pay our pound of flesh. No free rides so to speak. I will not make things easy on her on this process. Has she gone about things differently I probably would be open to more things financially for her. She blew it. So I’m not giving and she can have half of these liabilities to take with her. No deals. Let it go before the judge.

Just ensure your actions are agreed to by your legal representatives. I do like the idea of her contributing to the cars, house hold utilities etc.

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:12 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Exiting infidelity is painful.

Just a reminder to focus on being nice to yourself. For example: new clothes, new car, weekend trips, gym, new hobby, and make time for yourself (a movie or read a magazine in Starbucks).

rynoz, has she been served yet?

Of course she's more upset about you not paying her bills than the actual D. In her mind, she is already done, so, you really can't say she cheated, because in her MIND, the M was already over.

Pay her own bills = consequences. Most WS's don't like those. there are a million different excuses.

You are doing the right thing, separating your finances and looking out for yourself. Keep focusing on yourself and what you want.

in general in the State of Florida, you cannot force your spouse to move out of the house. As long as both parties have been married and living in the home together, that is the residence of both parties. So no I can’t force her out unfortunately. Her name is on the house.

Not too dissimilar in my state. I took a quick look at Florida divorce law (the summary page I cited earlier) but didn't see anything about residential rights for the domicile. At least it wasn't obvious in the five minutes I dedicated to my "exhaustive" search. I did see the language where Florida is kinda sort marginally an "at fault" state but it seems contradictory since infidelity doesn't seem to impact the settlement of property, and you can't sue the AP for alienation, from what I can see.

So this means.. what? Who will buy out who? It would seem that since she's abandoning the marriage, she should be the one that leaves the domicile. That's what common sense says, but often divorce law ignores that.

She believes she can ride out with no marks on her and leave me scarred. Not going to happen that way. We both are going to pay our pound of flesh. No free rides so to speak. I will not make things easy on her on this process.

I couldn't agree more. There's nothing more irksome than the casual assumption you're going to to pay for the WW's lifestyle after the dissolution process has already started.

I noticed that she called off work today. She was in the bedroom all day until 3 pm. I wasn’t home but I saw the activity on the cameras. She got food and went in there. Took the dog out and went back in there. Why call off work to sit around the house all day. Maybe she’s waiting to kill me. Just kidding. But it seems a little creepy because she never calls off work like that. I’m certainly not going to ask either.

So I get home and she is surprised because she is going out the door with the dog and I’m coming in. She had on glasses but I could see some weird kind of almost sad look on her face as she went by. I thought that to be a little odd.

rynoz

You’re a smart guy and have handled this shitstorm well right from the beginning when you rejected her open marriage proposal in a New York second

Up until you dropped the divorce papers on her, and even after , she has been arrogant , flippant , and has even I believe flaunted her OM in your face. Now she’s sad????

Only a few possibilities

(1) some legal expert told her she ain’t going to be able to rake you over the coals

(2) Prince Charming did something now that you have made it clear he can have her that just hanging her was more fun without the baggage

If she’s not sick and never calls out from work and the dog isn’t sick, something in paradise ain’t going according to her plan

You got this . Don’t backtrack